The Beautiful Kind
Kinky Stories & Relationship / Sex Advice
Why Am I Not Getting Laid? Lacey, Age 29
Lacey prefaces her answers with the following: "I have a feeling you might suggest online dating, but I work for a super conservative organization and it would be disaster if anyone found my profile. Craigslist has been more anonymous, but weirdo-central. I'm most concerned about fixing my real-life sex appeal. I get nervous as a teen when men flirt (which happens rarely), and tend to avoid it."
Age:
29
Sex:
Female
Location:
Chicago, IL
I want to fuck:
Men. I'm curious about women, too.
Last time you got laid:
Two weeks ago by a very occasional lover I met on Craigslist. He's 11 years older and there's zero relationship potential, but the sex is hot when it happens.
Describe your fashion sense:
Mostly quite girly: dresses, skirts, long, belted tops, slim pants, heels, scarves, jewelry, etc. And I have enough lingerie to stock a burlesque house.
Do you floss regularly?
Yes.
Any physical issues?
I'm overweight (size 16-18), but in an hourglass shape that inappropriately older men seem to love...
Describe your past relationship history:
I was in a big relationship through high school, which broke up when I was about 19 and went off/on until I was 25, even living together at one point. He is still a friend and there's been nothing but flings since that ended.
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender?
Yes, but in my hometown. I moved for grad school in a completely female dominated area and my good male friends in Chicago have been mainly gay.
Places you hang out:
Museums, galleries, parks, bars and restaurants. Lots of fundraisers and social events for work, as well.
Hobbies:
I study Tantra with a local school (I know what you're thinking but the men I've met there have literally all been at least 15-20 yrs older and married or recovering from traumatic divorces).
Last place you went on vacation:
Italy
Are you taking any medication?
Birth control pills.
Job situation:
Working in two places: teaching art at the college level and doing a bit of everything at a well-known arts organization.
Your living arrangement:
My own apartment.
Do you like to read? If so, what?
I mostly like classics and things that evoke faraway places. Right now I'm reading Sebald's Austerlitz.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you'd like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one?
Almost none since I know so few men in this city. The big one is an old friend from home who has a long-term girlfriend. I seriously wanted my masseuse, who just moved to another city. Doesn't everybody want a masseuse?
Are you Dom or sub?
sub
What's your fetish? What turns you on?
My nose is very sensitive and when I like how a man smells, I melt.
What kind of porn do you like?
Really vanilla MF sex and celebrity nipple slips.
Religion:
I grew up around the Episcopal church and kind of enjoy some of the rituals sometimes, but wouldn't consider myself tied to the church. I prefer an open interpretation of spirituality.
TBK's Answer...
You remind me a bit of this woman Erin I featured a while back.
Have you checked out my new ebook? www.thebookofgoddess.com I offer all kinds of suggestions on how to increase your sexual magnetism.
One thing I suggest is adopting a signature piece, such as always wearing a flower behind your right ear (right means you are available, left is above your heart and means you are taken) or a certain color. A sig piece helps you stand out and offers good goddess energy.
You sound like such a romantic with all that lingerie, Italy, and vanilla porn. I'm the same way about a man who smells good, irresistible!
Make sure and read in my ebook about the part about birth control pills and smell, it's good to know, it's on page 42.
Also, since you're open to spirituality, have you considered joining a hip, liberal Unitarian church in your area?
You need to work on that nervous teen behavior, watch for it, and be aware of it. When it starts to happen, make a conscious effort to replace the fear in your heart with love. Don't be scared of your radiant feminine energy - embrace it. You have a gift - be willing to share it with others.
Readers, any suggestions?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
YATBK: Sexie Sadie
YATBK: Sexie Sadie
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Who's Afraid of the Female Breast?
Who's Afraid of the Female Breast?
Comments
Add a Comment
brian
are you having trouble meeting/making contact or with the initial dating part? tell me /us where the problem occurs please and we'll try to make some suggestions. one fav for my male friends is asking someone to lunch- it removes all fear for their meeting- set time- set agenda- eat and talk- set escape mecahsinsm- time linited for a polite reason.
looking forward to hearing about this to see what we might do to assist. :-)
B
“Any suggestions?”
Yeah, ditch the newly divorced and married men, they are a dead-end (I know, I was newly divorced AND married once and no gal seeking “more” should have been with me).
Instead (since you like older), go with divorcees who’ve been out of marriages AT LEAST a year, if not two. Let them shed past baggage and open to the wonders you have to offer. Watch out for older who’ve never had long-term unions…most likely they will continue to have problems with commitment.
But definitely stay away from the married men; they got all manner of problems…problems you want NO part of…
-B
Srriracha
I'm not your target audience but reading your profile here made me want to get naked with you! (female, bi, 7 years older than you)
I think that just the act of putting out this delicious message to the universe that you are ready for hot times is going to set things in motion for you.
I wish you lots of love and ecstasy!
Lacey
Thanks so much!
Swedishskier
It sounds a bit like your time is filled with female-dominated activities. Find something that you enjoy that involves more men. It seems likely that men would flock to you if they knew where to find you. I don't think the weight issue is an actual barrier as most men I know love curves and an hourglass is something to rock.
Lacey
Uh oh, B, sorry to confuse. I should clarify that I am not involved with the recently divorced and married men I meet!! I'm totally closed to deception and negative drama. That was just intended to illustrate how tantra workshops haven't been available man soup, like people expect them to be!! As for age, I'm open in something casual, but longer term I'm not interested in anyone so much older or younger that I'd have to explain my references or justify my biological clock. So, ideally, someone sort of 27-35.
Brian, the worst hurdle right now is meeting and making contact with engaging, age-appropriate men. I never initiate contact and don't really know how. And I'm not great with getting-to-know-yous, either. I've been told that I terrify men with apparent confidence. But I don't feel that way; I get nervous during initial communications and struggle not to shut down. This is especially around my dry sense of humor, which can come off mean rather than playful.
TBK - dogmatic types really upset me, so I've never gotten involved with any church beyond weddings and art visits, which I love. I sort of tune out the words, look at the paintings, light candles and inhale the incense. It's rare to find someone who can get with that aspect of my personality and it is pretty fundamental, so maybe I should investigate some open communities.
Hope that helps clear things up. Thanks for your input!
brian
Lacey, you said "Brian, meeting and making contact with engaging, age-appropriate men. ...initiate contact ... not great with getting-to-know-yous, either. ...which can come off mean rather than playful." --(don't judge yourself too harshly- its their problem)--I never asked for a stuffed playful perfect person.
Ok I'm on it and will be writing something for you on the weekend. I'm 54, still sex crazed up to 3 times a day sometimes, monogamous and have known as friends and lovers over 47 women of all shapes and sizes, and loved and worshipped them all as women until married one of 3 in 1995. then mono. hang in there! help is on its way from me and others.
brian
Hi Lacey,
For you, this is just the start of some hopefully helpful stuff. BTW, the best lover/gf I ever had was a bigger size than you, and a great gf/lover after I helped her to express her sexuality and kink without compromise. Sometimes she’d see the signs and go “whee! Sexorama again!”
TBK suggests checking out a Unitarian Universalist Fellowship type of spiritual gathering; good call, lots of people there from all four quarters of the earth who will welcome and not judge you, and even help you right off with anything you need.
Guess what Group of friends I found 3 years ago? I'm spiritually open, refer to myself as Buddhist leaning redneck- I love animals but am not afraid to kill one to relieve suffering, have studied the Tao to Christianity to Wicca to dark arts, and joined a UUF group because they are so easy going and friendly with still a strong emphasis on doing the right thing, and the people are normal/bi/metro whatever sexual friendly, and good men could be found there.
It’s worth checking out a couple of times, not just once, as services are not all the same format. Some are totally revolved around singing, for instance. You could begin with a call to the minister of your local UUF and meet with him or her. Ours is lesbian and we all love her dearly for her great insights and sprirtual inspiration. Me, it met my need for spiritual and friendly company- I missed going due to pain for a while and got many emails and calls. Were I single, there would be three women there who openly admire me for my person, (not my sexuality), and how I speak out on issues and suggest good things, and dating would not be a problem at all. More later on meeting, contact, talk, nnervosusness :-), now tired.
Happy wishes, BW
Lacey
Thanks for all your comments and encouragement, Brian. I'll keep all of this in mind and really appreciate all the thought and care you've put into this.
Buddha
I definitely agree about Craigslist - unless you want a serial killer or someone living in his mom's basement. I'm curious how an area can be "completely female dominated", though; maybe I should move there (if my girlfriend's reading this, I'm just kidding, baby). First off, there's nothing wrong with a size 16. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman. I like that you're from Chicago (me, too), a sub and that you have a dry sense of humor - all good things. That you're shy is fine; the right guy will know how to approach you. You said that you were in a relationship that lasted from high school until just a few years ago - that you've had nothing but flings ever since. You also said that men don't flirt with you very much. Now... being a guy, I know we flirt all the time. Could it be that you're just not seeing the signs? That, or... maybe you're giving off a vibe that says "stay the hell away." Don't know. Since Match.com is out, I'm not sure what would work best. I'm sure Destiny will deliver your John Cusack. Take your time. Damn. Now I'm going to have to watch "Serendipity" again.
Kitty Calhoun
I agree about Lacey NOT being over weight. You look great. We don't know you, our happiness isn't tied to yours in any way. Meaning we aren't saying it to be sweet, really. We're saying it cause it's true!
fuzzilla
Wait, is that her in the picture or a stock photo? If it is her, she's smokin'!
Lacey
No, that is not me!!! I do have a top just like that in white, but I am definitely wider and curvier.
I'm not grossly overweight from my perspective. Most size 16 things have to be tailored at the waist to fit my exaggerated hourglass shape. And I do find things labelled size 10/12/14 that fit fairly often.
I definitely have size-related self-conscious moments and am aware that my size limits my dating pool, but I choose not to dwell on any of that. I am who I am, living a happy, active and fulfilling life. There are people in this world who find me beautiful, and others who don't, as with anyone else of any size.
brian
ps exaggerated hourglass is a +++ Hey I've seen it and had it - in a fitted outfit with a matching (just for fun)whip my "come hither" attention was immediate to the matters in hand...she wore red and black "Funderwear" and it was indeed Lacey.
Lacey
Buddha, there is probably some combo of me being oblivious and stay the hell away vibes going on. Now how on earth do I overcome that???
Buddha
I think Lionman said this, but confidence is a huge turn-on for men, so it's good that you're confident. Yeah... maybe it's the delivery. I remember working with a girl years ago who was super cute. I tried flirting with her, but it was awkward. I couldn't tell if she liked me or was annoyed by me, so I gave up. It turns out that she was attracted to me, but it just didn't register. Oh well.
Guys need to have their egos stroked. Smile. Laugh at his stupid jokes. Make eye contact. Wear clothes that compliment that beautiful hourglass body (which it sounds like you do). Fuck his mind with your intelligence, but be warm and approachable. Then, again... you could always wear a shirt that says, "I may not show it, but I want to fuck you so bad."
Lacey
I so need that shirt!! I'll work on this ego stroking business, too.
fuzzilla
Huh, sounds like me in a lot of ways. Only I'm fine with an FWB (for now) and unabashedly like older guys (although maybe the built-in unavailability says something about where I'm "at" or something).
>I've been told that I terrify men with apparent confidence. But I don't feel that way; I get nervous during initial communications and struggle not to shut down. This is especially around my dry sense of humor, which can come off mean rather than playful.<
The answer must be somewhere in here. "Terrify men with confidence"? Do you babble when you get nervous and they can't get a word in edge-wise? Humor comes across as mean rather than playful? Is it because you're nervous so he isn't sure how to take your tone? Do you have a trusted friend you could ask for feedback on this? I found group therapy immensely helpful for this kinda thing. Buddha might be onto something about possibly giving off a "stay the hell away" vibe (speaking for myself, I probably do on some level, because when I have had Relationships they were draining and codependent). Also, the right person will probably love your humor and you exactly as you are. It's being patient in the search that is a beeyotch.
The most sane dating advice I ever found was this (it's from a "fat acceptance" site; I personally refuse to "accept" being fat and I'm actively working on that, YMMV):
http://kateharding.net/2007/05/22/on-dumb-luck/
Also there's a new free dating site called herway.com where women do all the initiating. I know you said online dating is kind of a no-no for you, but guys can't see any female profiles unless they're approached, so...I'm assuming the random web surfer couldn't, either? Don't quote me on that, but that might be a workable option for you.
Lionman
Confidence in a woman is usually a turn-on for most men, so fuzzilla may be right in that it could be the WAY you say things that is somehow being heard as disagreeable. A dry or sardonic comment needs to be said with a smile on your face and/or a soft voice.
It is all just basic sales technique to get you to where you want to go and who you want to be with.
Lacey
That website sounds great! I'll definitely look into it.
I'm chatty, but not really a babbler. If someone I like approaches me (again, this is rare!!), my mind goes blank and I start clamming up. Then discomfort and teasing becomes the default mode of communication. I've been told by friends that my teasing can be harsh, which is why I get so nervous about it now. Then I really have nothing to say! I'm working on kinder delivery, for sure. Softness isn't easy for me.
I've been told by friends that I seem so confident and focussed on my own path (I'm very ambitious and have lived in several countries for work or school) that I seem intimidating or distant to "normal" guys. But of course I feel completely normal and down to earth. Maybe this is part of why older, more confident guys are usually the ones to approach me.
fuzzilla
Confidence and ambition are definitely good things. With the "so focused" part, maybe guys feel like "well, shit, what role would there be for me to play in her life?" Yeah, maybe some ego stroking, making a point to say you like the guy and are having a good time, suggesting specific activities would help. You seem like a good catch to me!
Lacey
Thanks, that's sweet of you. Stating explicitly that things are fun and not just assuming they know is good advice!! Thanks!
brian
quick agreement tip: men are dumb. speell it out. a female friend gave ne a fantastic massage for my pian with a industrial unit them rolled me over with a towel etc. I was relaxed and didn't get it. looking back - DUH!
we actually need to know what you are thinking- we don't pick up on the cues that women see a mile away - i told my wife of what seemed an innocent question form a real estate agent, she immediately said" she was cruising you" . Dang. i was single then too, and missed it. so it's ok to spell it out gently but firmly - for instance, the answer to "do you like the movies" could be "yes (booo)" or "why? shal we go to one this Friday" and bang- you know where you stand and may have a date.
Miss
Borrow a dog to walk in a park on a regular basis. Seriously. Or, join (or start) a social sports club like indoor soccer. Full of dudes, and an immediate social circle-widener cos of the end-of-season bbqs, get-togethers, etc.
Sounds like you feel a bit isolated so the key might be to make a couple of good female friends and/or acquaintances and do social things with them. You could join a taiko group. I think that joining a group, taking up a group hobby is such a good thing anyway. You get skills out of it, which are sexy, and make you a more interesting person so you have something to build your confidence on.
fuzzilla
>You could join a taiko group<
Hey, I was thinking of doing this. And I'm in Chicago!
Lacey
Miss & Swedishskier are both right that I'm in very female dominated activities. But I'm extremely social - always out with my girlfriends, talking, laughing and dancing. So I only feel isolated from straight, male company!
I'll think of some man-heavy activities - wine-tasting, maybe? My eyes glaze over at the mere mention of sports, unfortunately. I tried taiko when I lived in Japan and it wasn't pretty!!
Lionman
Do try wine tastings - I have always found it easy to talk to females at wine tastings. Do not go with a whole bunch of girl friends, either only you or just one friend.
That way you are more approachable.
Lacey
Haha, you so got me. I was just thinking to myself what friends I could bring along! Thanks.
silvershovler
due tell is that a stock photo or the real you? really cause that is a smoking hot pic.
Lacey
No, not me.
Jack
I was wondering why TBK put up that picture when in her profile Lacey mentioned her size which was nothing like the picture.
I would love to see a picture of Lacey posted with the profile, because I certainly like women of all sizes and find it a little insulting that this website would post a "stereotypically hot" girl when Lacey seems to have a different body type.
The Beautiful Kind
I hear you, Jack. I picked that stock photo because she was curvy & wearing lacy lingerie. I've never posted a pic of the actual person with their WAINGL - I should start making that an option!
funguy
Next time you are in st. louis email me when you are coming.
The Beautiful Kind
I chose that stock photo for this post based on the pics Lacey shared with me and because of her extensive lingerie collection! Sexy lacy curvy!
Lacey
TBK, I'm blushing!
I think you unwittingly gave my my signature piece - LACE! I love that advice. Also from the Book of Goddess, I loved the idea of casting goddess spells and planting seeds. It's not aggressive, but it creates room to approach... I can do that! Thanks!
Kate
Lacey, I know you stated that you couldn't have your workplace finding an online profile of you for a dating site; however, there are many ways to make sure that no one outside a man you're interested in, knows who you are on those sites. Post a pic that doesn't show your face, or make you profile private until you decide to "friend" someone.
I only suggest that because you remind me of me about 8 years ago. My family was super religious and I hadn't accepted that I was different then them, so I was constantly worried that someone would find me online and it would get back to them and etc... I hesitantly put up a few profiles around the net and much to my surprise, there were many many men who were into a seemingly confident in life, but shy in bed, submissive overweight woman (I've been a size 20+ forever).
It really helps those initial nerves over the meeting of the man when you know from the first second that he's already into you enough (from your online conversations) to want to be there meeting you.
And, once you have enough dates that go well, your confidence level goes way up and things just get easier from there as far as meeting guys IRL (in real life). I'll never forget that moment a random guy in the gas station asked for my number, I had forgotten myself and was acting like I knew he already liked me (as I did with online dates), and wah-lah he did like me. It's an awesome feeling.
So, I know that the online dating really helped me. But, short of that you could try speed-dating or single mixer parties in your area. Right now you should be focusing on getting dating experience, not looking for a relationship. I've had a lot of men tell me that shy/reserved women come across as thinking 10 years out from the first moment and that's a turn-off to men. So, another trick is to not expect a life-long relationship to happen overnight (or at all). Just meet the men with the idea that you want a first date and if you get that first date, act as tho your only focus is to get a second date.
So, in short, based on my experience, I would try to get as many first dates as possible by any means (online, speed-dating, blind dates, etc...). Once you have enough of these under your belt your confidence level skyrockets and you can actually use the skills you've honed to find someone to settle down with - it will be easier to meet a man from your "life" (rather then active date-searching) when you're in tune with how to give the right vibes.
Let us know how it goes!
Lacey
Thanks, Kate. This is really thoughtful and helpful advice. I'd never thought of cropping pics like you suggested and didn't even know it was possible to control who sees which pics like that.
I'm usually only a matter of months away from moving to another country, so I doubt guys see me as seeking long term relationships at the outset. It's probably more that I seem closed. But I definitely write people off in my head if I see something that would be bad in the long term, so a shift there toward more fun and step by step dating and then just letting things unfold is really smart. THANKS!
brian
i wonder if the move will be North?
brian
the two date rule: so much pressure is involved in that first date, don't be afraid to call again and say "hey that was a pressure cooker, I was very nervous. want to go for a walk?" and one of my hottest relnships was started after the first date seemed bad- turned out we were both scared and nervous.
NB
Lacey,
My first time commenting on TBK, but this might help!
Envision yourself open for business- like you have an illuminated taxi sign over your head- then wait to see who is trying to flag you down!
I was afraid I had "fuck-off" tatooed on my forehead and someone gave me this advice.
It is helpful because then you just look at people expectantly if they are interested they look back, if they aren't they don't usually make contact.
Sabrina
Lacey, if you're still reading this post, I'm sure you've probably gotten laid by now - congrats :-). I just want to say, that confidence will get a man in your bed almost every time. And don't forget to stroke those egos. Men like to be reminded of how 'great' they are; how much you want them inside of you - yatta yatta yatta...The real key is confidence and don't be shy about showing off those curves. YOU ARE NOT FAT...trust me. The twigs they try to force us to immitate on the tele are a farce. They don't even want to look like that lol...so be proud of you. If you don't like your size, start exercising. Simple as that. Don't forget, exercise increases all that sexual energy and consequently makes you feel incredibly desirable.
Well, I'm sure you don't need any additional tips as you are probably laid up with your fantasy stick right now playing a much needed game of hokey pokie lol...uh oh, I just showed my age...Well, have fun.