Toxic Masculinity from a Sex Worker Perspective

By Kendra Holliday | June 15, 2019

Trust me, I’m a wise witch!

I’m going to preface this with the following disclaimer: I’m a witchy, woo woo, sex worker goddess, and this brain dump is going to sound crazy. I’m fine with that, as I fully embrace my hormonal mood swings and non-traditional way of thinking. I live in a society with lots of self-imposed cages, and my motto is “Think outside the cage.”

So, hear me out, let it all sink in, and let me know what you think!

Toxic masculinity goes hand in hand with white supremacy, and it’s making me sick. It’s making A LOT of us sick.

I’ve been diving deep into history, addiction, psychology, science, and more, and I’ve connected some dots.

Centuries ago, people from Europe set out and explored the world. They invaded many areas and took them over. They brought disease, death, and disruption to the people already living there.

They set up elaborate exports and imports of toxic trade – sugar, alcohol, and slavery. They brought oppressive religions and destructive concepts that were deadly and divisive.

They declared that people, plants, animals, and places were all possessions. They put up fences, walls, and demanded territorialism.

They sought to control everything, and lived with a scarcity mindset. They instilled and lived in fear. They were hungry for power imbalance. They felt they were anointed by God, and thus justified in all their actions.

These things represent male energy: fire, cars, guns, alcohol, conquering, destruction.

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Does Your Vagina Stink?

By Kendra Holliday | June 15, 2019

Ed Note: My friend posted this on facebook the other day:

“So anyone who is close to me knows that I have some very strong opinions about the way modern society portrays the female genitals. One aspect of that topic is ‘cleanliness’, or the idea that the female anatomy is somehow naturally ‘dirty’ or ‘smelly’ and therefore women need products to help ‘correct’ the problem.

I found this Summer’s Eve ad in a magazine today and I almost screamed.

This is not OK.

This is not OK.

Don’t forget your ‘V’ this valentines day’???

Fuck you, Summer’s Eve. Fuck you for building an industry around making women feel terrible about their bodies and their sexuality, and for pushing ideas and products that are actually counterproductive to vaginal health. And fuck you for implying that I need to go ‘wash my gross vagina’ before I let someone near it this Valentines Day. I invite anyone to share this who is tired of being told they need to douse their genitals in floral perfume to be considered worthy of attraction or physical affection.”

So, I’m sharing it.

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5 Hardcore Relationship Exercises

By Kendra Holliday | June 13, 2019

David Wraith and me

David Wraith and me

Want a better sex life? Then start communicating better! Push past your comfort levels, people, and communicate FOR REAL.

Open, and honest. You gotta be vulnerable.

Here are some bold ideas to get the ball rolling (pick the right time and place to do these! Carve out some quality time, don’t attempt to knock it out on the way somewhere, unless it’s a road trip):

1. Institute relationship check-ins. Do as often as needed – daily, weekly, monthly… My partner and I do it about twice a year, when our schedules are especially stressful and it’s a challenge getting our physical and emotional needs met.

Have you heard of Daily Temperature Readings? It’s a concept that allows you to explore the following key points:

*Appreciation

*New Information

*Puzzles

*Complaints with recommendations

*Wishes, hope and dreams

Covering these points can help you find out if you’re on the same page, or even reading the same book!

2. Tell each other three things you don’t like about each other (or five, if you’ve known each other for more than two years. 🙂

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Up Skirt

By Kendra Holliday | June 9, 2019

Took this pic spontaneously the other day – just bent over and snapped a turtle’s eye view real quick. You can tell it’s unplanned because my undies don’t match – silly red Christmas theme with Scotties. Christmas in June!

I love this dress.

LOOK.

Let’s Play the Obscene Nipple Game!

By Kendra Holliday | May 31, 2019

Can you guess which nipples are allowed to be seen in public, posted on facebook, and are socially acceptable? Which nipples are to be feared and reviled? Which nipples should be jailed and punished by law? You be the judge! (All photos are from Wikimedia Commons unless otherwise noted).

Tip: Here is the definition of the word “obscene”:

1.offensive to morality or decency; indecent; depraved.
2.causing uncontrolled sexual desire.
3.abominable; disgusting; repulsive.

Here we go! First, let’s warm up with some very SFW (Safe For Work) pics of human mammals:

This is a woman from Afghanistan. Is this obscene?

This is a Victorian woman and man. Is this obscene?

This is a statue. Is this obscene?

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My First Time Not Committing Adultery

By Kendra Holliday | May 24, 2019

Ed Note: This is a guest post by Jem.

I was married for twelve years. For almost all the time we were together, everything was good. Almost.

About eight years after we got married, my husband forced himself on me. We were getting into bed, we were both sober, I had no idea what he was going to do. He held me face down. We’d played at this sort of thing before.

This wasn’t playing.

I shouted at him to stop. He’d never done anything like that before. Not even close.

I got dressed, left and went straight over to see a friend. He was a lawyer. It was about eleven at night, he could see I’d been crying. I told him what had happened, and at first he thought I wanted him to report a rape. I just wanted a place to stay and a friend to talk to.

My husband didn’t rape me. He betrayed my trust, didn’t respect my wishes, was clearly on some sort of power trip. He never did anything like it before or since. He was deeply ashamed by what he did, and had a harder time forgiving himself than I did.

My friend and I talked for hours. We ended up talking about sex and the law. At some point he said that adultery was when a man and a woman had consensual, penetrative sex. Nothing else counts. We had fun coming up with things that weren’t adultery: blowjobs, gay sex, buggering a sheep, being tied up and having five guys come over you … not adultery. Grounds for divorce, but not adultery.

I stayed the night in his spare room. He gave me a T-shirt to sleep in. It was about three in the morning by this point. I lay in bed, and decided about a dozen times that I would go next door. I didn’t.

We met up at a coffee shop about a week later because he wanted to know how I was. We didn’t buy coffee, we decided to go back to my place and drink coffee there. We sat on my sofa, talked, I told him how grateful I was for his support. How everything was better with my husband, now. It was, we’d talked and he was guilty and sorry. At some point, my friend put his hand on my leg. He had to get back to work, he said.

I’ve just got no idea who made the first move. We kissed, we stopped kissing and looked at each other and I said ‘oh no’. We joked about this later. We both knew at the coffee shop that this would happen. We didn’t plan it, but put it this way: I was wearing matching underwear. Then we were kissing again and I think I was the one who lifted up my top, but that might have been him. He pulled up my bra and sucked on my nipple so hard it probably should have hurt. It didn’t. Then he really, really had to get back to work.

The first time we didn’t commit adultery was three days later.

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Lingerie and Henna!

By Kendra Holliday | May 17, 2019

I got new undies from Victoria’s Secret from a friend, and henna from another friend! Too bad it’s so faded here, it only lasts about two weeks:

Victoria’s Secret

Here’s a colorful pair!

Poke my dots!

Ahhhh they’re radioactive! 😉

Image with colors reversed

 

I Dated A Charming, Popular Sex Predator

By Kendra Holliday | May 3, 2019

OJ Simpson and his late wife, Nicole – a celebrity example of a charming, popular guy that is, ahem, problematic

Ed Note: This guest post by Lynn Beisner was originally published on RoleReboot. Lynn warns women to always trust their gut. Sometimes the guys we label as “creepy” aren’t sexual predators, they’re just insecure. In her experience, it’s the charming, popular guys who can be the most dangerous.

The recent discussion about creeps has been both encouraging and concerning for me. I am encouraged because I believe that we as women should give ourselves permission to avoid any person or situation for no reason other than that it feels wrong. I also am of the strong opinion that we as women have a duty to warn each other about potentially dangerous situations, which is what we are trying to do when we label a man as a creep. But using the label of creep as a way of warning our fellow women also causes me concern. I worry that we are confusing or conflating creeps with sexual predators. They are two very different creatures and what protects us from one does not protect us from the other.

I can explain the difference best by telling you about two men I have dated. Let me start by telling you about the sexual predator; I call him Mr. Popularity because he was one of the most well-liked men that I have ever known. We worked in the same office high-rise, and it seemed like anywhere on those 32 floors that we went, people knew and liked Mr. Popularity.

When we started dating, I became instantly and bizarrely more popular; it was as if my geekiness was cancelled out by my association with Mr. Popularity. Women suddenly wanted to talk to me—mostly about Mr. Popularity. He had dated other women in our building, and some of them struck up conversations, telling me how much fun they had with Mr. Popularity. One comment that was repeated by every woman was how much he had expanded their sexual boundaries. I suddenly seemed to show up on men’s radar as well once I started dating Mr. Popularity. Many would tell me something along the lines of: “You’ll have a lot of fun dating Mr. Popularity. He is a great guy. But you know that he never gets serious about anyone, right?” Then they would give me their phone numbers for when Mr. Popularity and I stopped dating.

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Do You Want a Daddy Dom? I Do.

By Kendra Holliday | April 24, 2019

Such a good feeling.

Such a good feeling.

My friend wrote this essay on Daddy Doms, and wow did it hit home. I’ve been thinking about it ever since I read it on FetLife (republished here with permission):

“I have been asked several times what a Daddy Dom is. First, I want everyone to know it has NOTHING to do with incest, and it isn’t ageplay or any fetish to do with children. I can only say what it means to me; others may have a different impression.

In my view, a Daddy Dom is the most tender of all Dominants. He loves His little one with an undying passion. He always has his submissive’s best interest in mind, even when it conflicts with his personal desires. That doesn’t mean that he gives into her every whim. There can be a huge difference in her desires and her real needs. He has to be able to make that sacrifice for her if need be. And yes, at times he does punish her. This usually hurts him just as much if not more than her, but he will always do what’s best for her.

He helps her set and reach her goals in life, not just in the lifestyle. He will help her improve herself to be the best she can be, not for HIM but for her ! He’s not just looking to make her a better submissive, but a better person in general.

He becomes many things in her life, a mentor, a teacher, a protector, a guide, AND… a lover! He offers her what she needs most of all, unconditional love and acceptance. He is consistent in his actions so that she knows what to expect from him. She knows she can depend on him!

He wants nothing more than to pull her close and protect her from the cruel world. But knowing all along that he can’t! SO … it is up to him to prepare her for whatever life may throw her way and be there to comfort her when things go wrong. Knowing she will run to him when she becomes overwhelmed or frightened. The Daddy Dom will listens to all her fears and concerns, knowing no matter how silly they may sound, to her they are real and he will help her confront them. He slays her dragons; he is her “Knight in Shining Armor”.

The Daddy Dom hears all her dreams, desires and all the dirty little secrets, and smiles because she is bold enough and loves him enough to open herself up so totally to him. He kisses her face and holds her close letting her know she is loved no matter what. She is His little one, and he loves her unconditionally.

There is nothing more satisfying to him than to see her succeed, to watch as she grows as a person. He revels in her daily accomplishments almost as much as she does herself.

He will cuddle her and show her the tenderness she craves when she needs it., when she feels unsure of herself he will whisper encouraging words for her. When she feels ugly he will reassure her how beautiful she is to him … when she is scared he will be her safety net. She is his pride and joy … his main comfort in life … his reason for living. His pride in her shows in the tender loving way he cares for her. Even though she is all woman, she is his little one and he is her Daddy! Just remember, he may be a Daddy, but he is still a Dom!”

Ways I Get High

By Kendra Holliday | April 19, 2019

Oh, the shame! 🙂

Sometimes we should ask ourselves, “Is the choice I’m about to make going to make my situation better, or worse?” 🧐

The other day, I heard in a lecture I attended that 25% of the US population has drug addiction issues.

Does that surprise you, or not?

If what humans need is movement, freedom, connection with others and sharing resources in order to thrive, then no wonder so many of us are suffering. We’re stuck, isolated, and taught to be territorial/fearful.

As someone who has alcohol addiction, I am part of that 25%. My mom, who is a prescription drug addict, is as well.

Think about the people you know. How many of them use drugs? How many of them abuse drugs? Everything you ingest is a chemical, and can affect your brain and body.

Here is a list of ways I get high, now that I can’t drink alcohol anymore. (I do not think I have a personality that is prone to addiction, as alcohol is the only drug I’ve ever abused.)

Almost all of the ways I get high are legal where I live!

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My Sanity Plan

By Kendra Holliday | April 17, 2019

The past couple years, I’ve struggled with mental health issues.

Here is why:

  1. Menopause – I have severe symptoms. It’s like going through puberty again, ugh!
  2. Alcohol addiction – I was stress drinking, which was making things much worse.
  3. Genetics – my family is prone to mental illness.
  4. Life stressors – my aging parents, my daughter moved out, sensitivity to my client’s baggage and trauma.

I go through periods where I can’t function, and it SUCKS!

I’m glad to say I’ve been enjoying a few good weeks, phew! I made this video to show myself for when I am down again:

My therapist Dr. Diane Sanford wrote a book called Stress Less Live Better: 5 Simple Steps to Ease Anxiety, Worry, and Self-Criticism. In it, she speaks of the teachings of Buddha: “To end suffering, we must retrain our minds to be aware and allow whatever happens without trying to cling to pleasure or avoid pain.”

Ahhh, that’s interesting. I’m practically allergic to suffering, especially the suffering of others, so how can I cope with it better?

I created a Sanity Plan. My Sanity Plan is a living document I update or refer to whenever necessary. My friend Metta May has a similar setup – she calls it H.E.L.P. – Hoes Enjoyin’ Living Plan! Maybe something like it will help you, too. After all, most of us are dealing with our share of stress, and it can get overwhelming. We need all the balance we can get! Depression, anxiety, and addiction are ravaging our country – shit is WAY out of whack!

Here are the key components of my Sanity Plan:

I list the things that are causing me stress/bumming me out.

Next, I list some good ol’ gratitude. What are the good things in my life?

For instance, if I’m getting frustrated with catty women, I think about all the good women in my life.

Or if I’m annoyed with men who are a pain in the ass, I review all the good men I know.

I think about things to look forward to – I have a couple trips planned this year, to Colorado and Florida, yay!

I remember the causes I support – making a difference and giving back helps me feel better.

Then, I’ll review my list of tools for finding balance and feeling better.

My self-care list includes supplements I’m taking, books, podcasts, types of therapy, exercise, music, massage, LEGOs, my meditation app, and of course, SEX!

The good things in life can be small and simple. Here is an example:

It’s so nice to be feeling good right now! The better I feel, the more I can be of service to others.

What does YOUR Sanity Plan entail? If you’d like help creating one, you can book a consult with me. Or, we can just talk about sex, that’s always fun!

 

Why Creative Sex is Better Than Straight Sex

By Kendra Holliday | April 14, 2019

Let me school you on creative sex…

Years ago, I went to a swinger party with an ex. There were six women at the party, and we all had lots of fun. But, to my surprise, when we were driving home, my ex lamented, “I only got to be with four of the women there.”

Huh??

That’s right – he was dissatisfied with only getting to stick his penis in four of the women’s vaginas that night. He was keeping score!

I’ve noticed other times where I’ve played with a man, and we’ve gotten naked, shared pleasure, had oral, but he left disappointed because he didn’t get to do ALL THE THINGS, i.e., stick his penis in my vagina and have intercourse.

I have clients who spend time with me, and instead of basking in female energy and pleasure, they get bummed if they don’t have an encounter that involves them having an 8 inch penis that remains hard for 45 minutes and drilling me bareback in four different positions.

In other words, they feel let down that they aren’t having sex like they see in mainstream porn.

Meanwhile, I’m having amazing, abundant sex with my partner of 11 years that is leaving us both extremely happy and fulfilled.

The Key to Good Sex!

You want to know why?

Because we are having CREATIVE SEX. We aren’t having straight sex!

Straight sex is what you see in mainstream porn. It is male centered. It’s penis focused. It’s vigorous and aggressive. It’s filmed for camera angles, and based around the male orgasm. It’s objectifying. It’s GOAL ORIENTED, which can set the stage for unrealistic expectations and A LOT of anxiety. And anxiety is terrible for arousal!

The women in straight porn are often uncomfortable – from the fake eyelashes and bleached hair and garter belts and heels, to the pussy pounding and loud vocalization and money shot in the eye.

Creative sex, on the other hand, is more about pleasure, skinship, being in the moment. It is about savoring the experience.

Straight men crave intimacy and connection, but they seek it out in a rigid way that can set them up for disappointment and failure. Moreover, it can be off putting or dissatisfying to their partners.

Creative sex is more egalitarian, and allows for more pleasure and orgasms for all parties involved.

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Handcrafted Wooden Dildo

By Kendra Holliday | April 5, 2019

One time I asked Annie Sprinkle who her last sex partner was. She replied:

“Yesterday I cruised a tree that was really sexy. I went up and fondled and sniffed it. It had this beautiful strong beauty…”

I have to admit, her answer took me by surprise.

But wow if you LOVE nature, it makes total sense to take tree hugging to a new level.

I told a friend about Annie’s Ecosexual ways, and she admitted that when she runs, she feels vibrations from the trees. The trees reach out to her.

All this tree talk had me intrigued, so I went right out and bought a wood dildo so I could fuck a tree, too. SAFELY, mind you. I don’t want splinters.

I looked up wood dildos on EdenFantasys and pulled up this beautiful lineup. This one stood out, so I ordered the darker version. Visually, dark wood is more appealing to me than blond.

It arrived in a purple velvet pouch. I was amazed at how lightweight it is; it has the airiness of cork, but is solid hardwood. I looked up the manufacturer – what a hippie! He has a FAQ page where people can ask about splinters, sustainability and cleanliness. Most of the wood he uses is found on the forest floor. I think this wood is Celam, a lustrous dark red with brown lines, a hardwood from Mexico similar to Mahogany.

My lovely super smooth dildo glows like a tiger’s eye and smells like cedar. Very warm and inviting, unlike the stone and glass I’ve tried.

The pictures don’t do him justice. You MUST see him in person to fully appreciate his radiant beauty. I’ve named him Tapio, after a Finnish forest deity, often referenced as “bear-king, ruler of the forest.”

Let me tell you, he is a very special dildo. He is the most living inanimate object I’ve ever fucked. I cannot tell a lie, this Pinnochio appendage is AMAZING. I prefer wood over glass or stone. I can’t believe it took me this long to get around to trying it!

I feel affectionate towards Tapio. When I stick him in my pussy, I don’t want to take him out. I lingered so long in bed with him that when I finally reluctantly pulled him out, he kindof stuck to my vagina. I think we tried to become one with each other. To clean him, I just wiped him down.

The wood dildo site has this to say about the varnish: “Each dildo is finished with at least five coats of Salad Bowl Finish, a food-quality varnish. The finish seals the wood, making them safe, waterproof, and natural-feeling. No dyes or stains.” Seriously, go check out all the different woods and designs!

When I play with Tapio with Matthew, it feels like a threesome. My little wooden soldier feels like he has a soul, like there’s energy vibrating from him. I know this sounds really weird and I’m not describing it well, but I’m at a loss for words.

I’m a tree fucker and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

photo by Stan Strembicki

If you ever come visit me at my home, you’ll see Tapio on display in my impressive toy cabinet!

Tips for a Yummy Mouth

By Kendra Holliday | March 27, 2019

Going places!

SMILE!

Psssst.

Do you want to know if you have bad breath?

Ask someone. Ask me!

Or, try this:

1. Grab some floss. If you don’t have easy access to any, you have bad breath FOR SURE.

2. Floss a few of your teeth.

3. Sniff the floss. This is what your breath smells like.

Any food that is caught between your teeth and left there simply rots, right in your face. That’s why it’s important to floss daily – you don’t want a graveyard in your mouth. Bacteria is bad news.

The reason why I’m posting this is because I run a sex worker group, and one of the most common complaints I hear from the women (besides clients being stingy) are clients with bad breath. It’s really hard to give the Girlfriend Experience when your partner has stinky breath.

Conversely, I was at a Whore Happy Hour and one of the men complimented me on my teeth, saying the women he knew were sweet, but many had meth mouth and smoked. So I guess my nice grill is a good selling point, if you will.

SO, if you want others to enjoy kissing you, here are some easy tips on keeping your breath fresh n’ clean:

1. Brush your teeth twice a day. This is also good for your gums.

2. Floss daily. As they say, you only have to floss the teeth you want to keep! Glide is a good brand if you have crowded teeth and normal floss shreds.

3. Go to the dentist for routine cleaning twice a year. I don’t have dental insurance, but I still make this happen. A cleaning costs me about $150. Consider it skull maintenance. If you’re scared of dentists, ask around for recommendations. There are lots of nice dentists out there!

4. Avoid coffee or smoking, but if you do indulge, rinse with water or brush your teeth afterward.

5. HYDRATE. Drink lots of water.

6. Eat more fruits and veggies, less meat. High protein diets are the worst for creating bad bacteria fumes as it decomposes.

7. Chew on parsley and mint! Eat your garnish at dinner, grow mint in your backyard and rejoice in the natural freshening powers of chlorophyll! Just watch out afterward for green stuff stuck in your teeth!

8. Listerine may actually do more harm than good because it contains alcohol and dries the mouth, which the bacteria tend to like. I use SmartMouth, it’s great! It shorts out the bacteria’s ability to breakdown and produce sulphides in your mouth.

9. Keep the mouth moist (god I hate that word) with sugar-free gum or mints. I sometimes chew a piece of gum ten minutes before a date.

10. Tongue scraping is good. You can buy a scraper, but I just use a spoon every couple days or so. It’s crazy what can accumulate on the back of your tongue, it gets all thick and white, eww!

You can read more about halitosis here.

Do you have any fresh breath tips or bad breath horror stories to share? If you had bad breath, would you want someone to tell you?

How Do I Exercise My Open Marriage?

By Kendra Holliday | March 23, 2019

Dear Kendra,

My wife and I recently decided to open our marriage. Unfortunately, I’ve run into a problem: women don’t seem to want to get involved with a man who is in an open marriage.

So far the three women who I’ve approached, although they admit being attracted to me and interested in the idea, have all given me some variation on the same objection: they’re worried about hurting my wife or causing harm to our relationship. These women know both my wife and me, and they aren’t willing to even acknowledge the possibility that talking to my wife could resolve their concerns.

I can’t help but find this fairly insulting. These women seem to be substituting their own judgment for mine and my wife’s, and telling us that, as much as we might think we’re ready for an open relationship, we will inevitably fall victim to jealousy and bitterness.

Now, I can understand that some women may not want to take any risk of being responsible for that, no matter what the people in the relationship might say, and maybe there’s nothing I can do to change those women’s minds.

But how can I best explain that they don’t have to worry about causing harm to our relationship—and that even if that happened, it wouldn’t be their fault—and how can I maximize the chances that they’ll overcome their feelings of unease and be willing to get involved?

My reply:

I asked a couple successful poly guy friends of mine for their 2 cents, and their combined answers added up to at least 2 bucks! Here is J’s take:

“Why not approach women who already identify as poly themselves and have other already established relationships? You can join a poly group in your town and mingle with like-minded people.

Of course I realize that’s a tough pill to swallow when you’ve already got what seems like three perfectly willing takers–if only it weren’t for their warped view of his wife, the mutual understandings they may have in their relationship …or what, on principle the sanctity of his marriage to her? Yeah, honestly I’d feel somewhat insulted by these assumptions of overreaching responsibility and risk too.

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