By Kendra Holliday | January 2, 2014
You know what’s awesome? It was much easier writing the list of Top 10 Things That Have Been in My Vagina. My positive sexual experiences far outweigh my negative, and shine warmly in my head, eclipsing the dark, gross shitty stuff.
That’s because I have not let the negative things define me. I have overcome them, and defined my sexuality on my own terms. Each of the things below sucked bad, but they all made me a stronger person as a result.
Look, I’m not much into trigger warnings – I kinda figure if you’re alive and on the internet, you’re going to run into some raw dog shit. But I’ll go ahead and let you know that the list gets progressively worse. A yeast infection is a walk in the park compared to some of the hell that follows.
10. Yeast. I’m glad to say I have a hardy vagina – some women I know have to deal with chronic yeast or bladder infections. For the most part, mine can endure all kinds of crazy activity and then go on about its business. I have had a few yeast infections though, and itchy, pissed off vaginas are no fun! They’re actually pretty gross. It’s cool modern medicine has evolved such that you just need to pop one pill orally and be done with it, as opposed to seven days of injecting applications of messy creams up there.
9. Bad bacteria. I’ve had two nasty, disgusting bacterial vag infections in my life, and they both developed from the same hot tub. It was a nice, clean swinger hot tub in West County, and I’ve been in all kinds of hot tubs and lakes with no problem, and no one else who was in the tub had an issue, so it must’ve been a bad reaction with my personal chemistry. I smelled like rotting fish down there. Had to go to the doctor for medicine, good grief! Needless to say, I stopped hot tubbing with that couple, even though they were nice. I had gross associations with them, like when you eat a can of sauerkraut and then throw up afterward.
8. A really big dick. I’ve been with all sizes of dicks. I prefer average size – 5-7 inches when erect. I dated one guy for a while with an 8-inch-dick. It wasn’t ideal for me. Then one day, I slept with a man who had a 9-inch-dick – talk about a world of hurt! IT SUCKED. I wasn’t into it AT ALL. I grimaced my way through it and avoided him after that, which made me feel gross.
7. A Catholic prick. I worked with this Catholic guy and was not interested in him AT ALL, he was the complete opposite of me, right down to being a conservative bore, but he kept bugging me to have sex with him, which was doubly annoying because he was pro-life. I tried getting him to back off by asking him, “Why would you want to have sex with a woman who is pro-choice? If I got pregnant, I would abort your child.” But get this – that charming announcement didn’t deter him (c’mon, he was HORNY), and, GET THIS – he finally wore me down enough and he finally had his way with me. I know you’re sitting there wondering why I would have sex with someone I didn’t even want to have sex with, but what can I say? I was young and dumb. Luckily, we used a condom and I did not get pregnant and after he finally accomplished his goal, he lost interest and wandered off. And I felt really gross.
6. The first guy I had sex with. Sadly, Catholic prick is not the only person I’ve had sex with who I didn’t want to have sex with. The first guy I had sex with right around my 16th birthday was this creepy 24-year-old guy named Greg. He bugged me for MONTHS to have sex with him. When he told me, “C’mon, it’s not that big a deal,” I shot back, “Then why do you keep hounding me about it?!” Finally, he convinced me that it would be a grand Satanic gesture, which was the right thing to say to a rebellious teenager who wore black all the time and thought she was a badass for being anti-Christ and burning bibles. So I had sex with him, and it was okay, but I immediately freaked out and was convinced I was pregnant, even though we used a condom. Thankfully I wasn’t, but later on he DID take liberties and stick his dick in me without a condom in a dark basement, and I finally dumped his creepy ass and started dating some other creep and did not get creepily impregnated. But I still felt gross.
5. The worst date I ever had. OH MY GOD this guy made me feel gross! And I STILL slept with him!!! I met him online, and at first he was so charming. He told me for our first date, he would take me to dinner, and get a nice hotel room, because of course I told him I fuck on the first date and don’t believe in serial killers. So we met for dinner, and his pick was BUFFALO WILD WINGS. And I’m vegetarian. And of course he wasn’t as attractive or charming in real life. In fact, he was a real dick. BUT I WENT TO HIS HOTEL ROOM ANYWAY. I guess I liked playing Fear Factor with myself a lot as a young lass. At his hotel, his wooing method was to verbally burn me at the stake for being a slut. He commented, “I should probably wear two condoms with you,” which I thought was pretty rude, BUT WE HAD SEX ANYWAY, and it was TERRIBLE, and afterward he told me my tits were too small and I should wear a burqa to hide the fact. And then he announced he felt a bout of diarrhea coming on from the wild wings and I had better go. I got the fuck out of there, my dignity NOT intact. And you won’t believe it, but a week later he called me up, asking for another date, using this ridiculous childish tone he hoped would trick me into thinking he meant no harm. I coldly told him no way in fucking hell.
4. The guy who stalked me and slashed my tires. I dated this one guy and he was nice, but he was too nice and I lost interest, so I started dating his neighbor instead, who was a dashing playboy with a Ph.D. This did not go over well with the nice guy. My thoughtless behavior turned him into a very mad asshole. So he started stalking me and scaring the shit out of me. He stood outside my apartment, lurking in the shadows. He spray painted SLUT on my car. He slashed the tires multiple times. I finally had to move for it to stop. I felt gross about the whole thing.
3. Rapist #3. It was a date rape scenario, except we weren’t even dating. He was someone I worked with at a nursing home – we were both in nursing school. He was an African exchange student. I was looking for a place to live, so he took me to this empty rental. There were no signs to indicate he had bad intentions. I didn’t suspect a thing, until he pushed me down and started taking off my jeans. He was stronger than me. I was stunned. It’s true what they say about rape victims – after I got away from him, I cried and scrubbed myself in a hot shower. It shook me up for months. I felt gross and ashamed.
2. Rapist #2. This was a man I was partnered with for years. After we split up, he decided I was still partly his property, and assaulted me more than once. He had the upper hand – I was homeless and broke, in a vulnerable state. He took advantage of the situation. Super dastardly and gross, but of course he didn’t see it that way. When I confronted him about it once I was out from under his grasp, he acted like it was his right to take liberties with me.
1. Rapist #1, aka my childhood molester. When I was nine, my teenage adopted brother molested me for a few months. He performed various sex acts on me, including instructing me to penetrate myself with objects so that I would be ready to accommodate his penis. As soon as I told my parents what was going on, they shut that insidious shit down fast, but it was a traumatic ordeal for the entire family and resulted in many years of serious damage. I haven’t seen him for decades, but recently he has been contacting me, which is completely baffling and gross. It’s fucked up when creepy people from your past try reconnecting.
Note that all these experiences happened to me years ago, when I was younger, less experienced and mature, and more of a pushover. I make better choices these days, and have learned to speak up for myself. When I hear about girls and women enduring assault, date rape, and more, I don’t judge – I’ve been in the same gross, leaky lifeboat.
But now I’m running a cruise ship, and I choose the passengers, and throw the gross jerks overboard!