Why Am I Not Getting Laid? Joseph
Here is another virgin, this time a guy in his 30’s who wears funny shoes and has excellent taste in music.
Name: Joseph, 33, Male
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women only
Last time you got laid: Virgin
Where do you live? Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA
Your living arrangement: Family
Job situation: Full time work
Fashion sense: Regular clothing. Sometimes I wear odd shoes.
Grooming habits: I bathe once or twice a day.
Hobbies: Collecting music
Places you hang out: Bars, coffee shops, libraries
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) 5 women. Let’s see mmmmmm.
1. Lady one: She is too far away and taken, and…
2. Lady two: She is not sexually social.
3. Lady three: I have never asked.
4. Lady Four: Married
5. Lady Five: I see her ever once in a while. I don’t really know how to get in contact with this women.
What kind of porn do you like? Not really a porn watching guy. However, the little porn I have watched suggests Milfs and older women are what I like. I am not attracted to the “just turned 18″ girls.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? hahaha big lips, legs, raspy voice. Nice Ass (it’s the shape that matters not the size.)
Are you dom or sub? Relationshipwise, I only take charge when I have to.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 5
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 8
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) Want kids. I would date someone who had kids.
Religion: Protestant
Charity you would give money to: American Diabetes Association
Political affiliation: Liberal/democrat
Music you listen to: The Roots, Sting, Bjork, Dinah Washington, The Police, The Fall, Joy Division, Nellie Mckay, Bruce Hornsby, Pat Metheny, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Christian McBride, Jaco Pastorius, The Temptations, Level 42, Seal, U2, Doves, Coldplay, Soulive, Outkast, Medeski Martin & Wood, Charlie Hunter, B.B. king, Albert King, Albert Collins, John Lee Hooker, Fiona Apple, Steely Dan, Jimi Hendrix, Harry Connick Jr., Jeff Healey, Stevie Ray Vaughan, The White Stripes, Charlie Mingus, Mahalia Jackson, Opera (Luciano Pavarotti), Red Hot Chili Peppers, Wynonna Judd, Diana Krall, Swing Out Sister, Michael Mcdonald, Talib Kweli, ELO, Prince, Led Zeppelin, The Clash, The Beatles, Barry White, Joe Satriani, Sara Gazarek, Stevie Wonder, James Brown, Queen, John Lennon, Frank Sinatra, David Bowie, Feist, Santana, Broken Social Scene, Al Green, Tears For Fears, Sade, Jamiroquai, Brad Mehldau, John Scofield, Brand New Heavies, Harry Connick Jr., Rage Against The Machine, Van Halen
Movies you have loved: Gladiator, High Fidelity, Highlander, Superman, Lord of The Rings Trilogy, Most of the Star Trek Films, The Star Wars Saga, The Matrix Trilogy, Heavy Metal, Ghost in the Shell 1&; 2, Akira, Bounty Dog, Stripes, Runaway Bride, Blazing Saddles, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill vol. 1- 2, Jackie Brown, Xanadu, Porco Rosso, The Unbelievable Truth, Eulogy, Grease, , Garden State, Roxanne, All I Want, The Women in Red, Meatballs, National Lampoon’s European vacation, The Neverending Story, Joe Vs. the Volcano, The Fountain, Happy Feet, The Royal Tenenbaums, Rushmore, Girl Interrupted, Gia, Superman, The Usual Suspects, Juno, The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
How often do you watch television? Not much at all. I prefer talking to people
Restaurants you like: Coffee shops, Chinese, the stereotypical sandwich shops
Person you respect/admire: God mother, Stephen Hawkings
Past relationship history: I have only had one relationship. That was also the only time I was ” in love.” We broke up because her parents wasn’t down with her dating a black guy. As in, super racist. That was a huge train wreck and really hurt.
Weird habit: I pace a lot
The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Dear Joseph, you sound young at heart and you probably hang out with a young crowd. I think an ideal woman for you would be older, like a cougar (an older woman in her 40s-60s who sexually pursues younger men in their 20s or early 30s.) Someone with experience, and more likely to have a big ass and raspy voice. I’m sure you’re keeping your options open as far as race goes.
Also, your numbers are skewed. You’re a 5 but you expect your partner to be an 8? Then again it seems like your idea of attractiveness is not the typical ideal. You’re a social person, you make friends fast and easily, but you need to make the first move early on. Getting your own place near school will be a good move.
Do you go to church? Any interesting prospects there? Why don’t you put an ad up on a dating site saying you’re looking for an older woman to attend concerts with you? Or someone who likes watching fun films? Include a lot of the details you put in this questionnaire and I think you’ll do well. It sounds like you have a lot to offer when it comes to music, make that work for you. Also when you’re on a date, ask questions and listen, don’t do all the talking.
I don’t think you’ve had a chance to heal from your one doomed relationship. You need to push yourself a little harder into the dating scene, break past that “friends” barrier. I can already picture you with an older outgoing sassy woman who smokes and twitches her ass when she walks but has a heart full of love and God. You’ll be going to brunch after church, and she’ll feel so proud to have you as her arm candy. 
4 Responses to “Why Am I Not Getting Laid? Joseph”
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Joseph, because you listen to Joy Division and Charles Mingus I will forgive you for listening to U2. But why man WHY! Just kidding, you seem like a nice enough guy, TBK’s verdict seems pretty much spot on. Most of us who are as into music as you are and even know who Stephen Hawkings is are a little on the dorky side. Try to stick with dorky women who will “get” you. The fact that you will date a woman with kids is a big plus for you, most single moms don’t have time to play games and many times are more open to a quick romp in the sack. Dating white chicks in Alabama must be damn tough for a black man, ever think of leaving that state? The fact that you’re still a virgin at this age suggests that you really aren’t sure how to transition from watching a movie with your date to humping your date. You certainly need an experienced woman! Good luck
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YOU GOTTA MOVE OUT ! ! ! !
once you get past 20 years old, you ain’t gettin laid very easily without a hotel room. You do sound very eccentric, you sound very cool, maybe even too cool for alabama……
I know from experience….i am from ozark alabama (near dothan)….
population - fuck if i know.
you are so smart, most alabaman girls are probably daunted by you. try to drop to their level. loosen up a little, alabaman girls like it crazy….not so intellectual. Know in your heart that you are very smart, but keep that for yourself, hold that close, but don’t flaunt it, it will flaunt itself. girls hate more than anything guys that hold their smarts out in front of them. you sound like you have awesome talking skills, but TBK may be right about you spending some more time listening. speak less, but speak deep. thats my motto.
You sound so deep, i think it would be very hard for you to meet a match in ‘bama. Not impossible though. The crowd for you is the school crowd, like TBK said, being near school would be a plus. especially with your own crib.
Once you hit 30 and you don’t have your own place, all things in your life should focus on GETTING OUTTA THE HOUSE ! ! ! meaning save extra money if you have to. do extra jobs on the weekend, sell your sperm, deliver papers on top of your normal job , but above all….GET OUTTA THE HOUSE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
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hahaha, holy shit Lion, way to slam on Alabaman girls! I agree that you need to move out. And you are a music collector, but can you sing or play anything? Musicality in a man is super hot. I got a little turned on just reading your list of things you listen to. I agree that you may not want to project an “I’m better than you” smartness, but don’t dumb yourself down–then you’ll just end up with a moron that makes you dumber by association.
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TBK says: It sounds like you have a lot to offer when it comes to music, make that work for you.
No doubt. I’d fuck him for the mix tape alone.
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