By Kendra Holliday | April 23, 2015
I hosted a big, upscale play party a couple weeks ago, and it was EPIC!
These parties take SO much work to organize. I spend countless hours just on screening and email correspondence. Everyone has so many questions (I added FAQ to the Party page!), and there are details galore to sort out.
One of the biggest challenges is finding a venue. It makes it much easier when someone in the community has a big, classy place and offers to host, but when that isn’t an option, I have to rent a place, which is nerve wracking.
Case in point: A week before this last party, my original venue canceled on me!
So I called in my troops and we ended up finding an even BETTER place. I have a core group of awesome friends – I can’t do it alone!
Super Slut Powers – Activate!
The gorgeous lake house in the country was spacious and modern – IDEAL.
I wore an electric blue dress.
People started arriving at 7pm, and we socialized like a normal party for a couple hours.
The place was TEEMING with gorgeous redheads – there were like a dozen of them. And so many other sexy, well-dressed people! Women in sparkling evening gowns, men in kilts and tuxedos…everyone was walking around with huge smiles on their faces. Excitement and anticipation was in the air!
My friend Sissy Maid was in full French maid attire with fishnets and heels, making sure drinks were filled and pillows (tee hee!) were fluffed.
At 9pm, my partner Matthew and I made an announcement. We dedicated the evening to our friends, Warren, Jade and Adam, who had been to some of my parties in the past, but would not be with us this time – just that afternoon, we attended Warren’s memorial service. I started to cry, and Matthew stepped in and picked up where I left off. He always has my back. We reminded everyone of guidelines and etiquette, and then kicked off our icebreaker – a girl pile!
I stood in the middle of the great room and eagerly stripped off my dress, inviting women to join me. We started off with four or five, and it eventually swelled to twenty writhing, orgasmic lusty ladies! It’s crazy – I always envision a soft core porn scene, with women gently kissing, touching, and sighing, but it’s always more kinky and intense!
We took turns being the lucky lady in the middle, reveling in all the hands and tongues and sex toys. You always hear about women taking 20 minutes to orgasm, but with all that concentrated attention and positive female energy, women were popping off left and right! Squirting, screaming, gushing… toes were sucked, asses were spanked, pussies were fucked… and there was a HUGE audience watching it all go down, some overlooking the scene from the balcony. As an exhibitionist, that was a plus for me!
By Kendra Holliday | April 16, 2015
YOU GUYS! JOAN PRICE IS COMING TO ST LOUIS!!! April 25-27!
Joan Price is, among other things, a senior sex educator and author. I reviewed her book Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex a couple years ago. I’ve been wanting to meet her ever since.
She has a new book out called The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty. You can pick up a copy at Left Bank Books, or at one of the events. Shameless Grounds also has copies available in their lending library.
A lot of my clients are 50+. The oldest person I’ve ever been intimate with was 91. He experienced cunnilingus with me for the first time in his life! He was surprised it was pleasant – he had always been told female genitals were dirty and smelly. He thought sex toys were disgusting.
People of all ages often have misconceptions about sex. Joan’s book tackles some great topics in a very readable, approachable manner. She teaches her readers about sex toys, masturbation, partner sex, health, dating, and more.
Aging is about change. We might not have the same abilities we had in our twenties, but that’s okay – we can enjoy a new way of enjoying our sexuality. I had a 55-year-old man tell me he wanted to get back to how he was in his twenties – an aggressive power fucker. With his erectile dysfunction issues and hip problems, I knew that was an unrealistic goal, so I introduced him to different methods of lovemaking and intimacy. I helped him come to terms and embrace his evolving sexuality.
I tell you what – tantra is MY secret weapon. When I get less flexible and mobile and can’t assume as many vigorous sex positions as I get older, I’m going to start incorporating tantra more and more into my lifestyle. Lots of breathing and eye gazing closeness with my partners – ahhhh.
Joan touches upon tantra in her book, as well as other sexually creative elements such as BDSM.
Did you know a flaccid penis can feel pleasure and achieve orgasm? Do you know where the P-spot is? Did you know that too much togetherness can hamper our libidos? Have you ever thought that maybe sex workers save marriages? Is sex a need, or a desire?
And then there are the tough topics – mismatched libidos. Being in a sexless marriage. Cheating. Joan calls on other experts to weigh in on these issues, and offers a checklist to review called “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?”
She offers lots of tips, encouragement, and validation. Stop dwelling on the things your body can’t do, and start celebrating what it CAN do.
Actively seek out therapy and solutions.
Here is Joan’s mantra:
– Desire follows action.
– Use it, don’t lose it.
– Just do it.
By Kendra Holliday | April 12, 2015
I’ve been hosting sex-positive play parties the past year – you can find more info on this page. They’ve been wildly successful! I can’t keep up with the demand! A lot of swinger newbies attend, and they are understandably nervous and inexperienced. They ask a lot of questions. Here’s an example:
Just wondering what others think, have experienced, and advise. We totally get the standard play party rules (seek consent, etc.), but are wondering how you transition from casual introductions/conversation with brand new or recent acquaintances to PLAYTIME.
Also, what’s a good way for members of one couple to engage with members of another couple (“Mind if I kiss your husband/wife?”). Does anyone else feel awkward about this, or is everyone else smooth as silk?
I replied with my play party rules and etiquette:
Everything is on your own terms and consensual. People are friendly and nice, so feel free to introduce yourself to others, and ask permission to play. And feel free to say no thank you. Guests are mature, respectful, gracious, and fun-loving. We have a lot of nervous and excited newbies – please make them feel welcome! TBK parties tend to have really good, sex-positive energy.
You can expect to see some super sexy action going down (GIRL PILE icebreaker!!!), but you don’t have to play if you don’t want to, or you can just play with your partner, or do whatever feels right to you. There will be spaces for public play, as well as some privacy. BDSM, bisexuality, and other forms of creative sexuality is encouraged! Feel free to bring toys. Safer sex is smart, so we’ll have condoms and lube on hand.
By Kendra Holliday | March 28, 2015
“We plan, god laughs.” – Yiddish proverb
When you make plans and a wrench is thrown in them, it’s usually easy enough to improvise, adapt, and overcome.
I’ve had so many wrenches thrown at me this month, I’m black and blue and barely standing, much less blogging. But whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
Well, how much can you take before you finally break?
There’s a quote I often refer to when the going gets rough: “I can’t go on, I go on.”
But you know what? Nothing I’ve experienced now, or ever before, compares to what my kinky local friends Jade, Warren, and Adam are going through right now. It’s a true life and death drama, and it is fucked up and cruel. I am sick over it. It’s a fucking nightmare.
Drama: Any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results.
You can read a summary of their dire situation here.
But you can’t read their story at Kink and Poly anymore. The site, once deemed the Best Sex Blog in St. Louis, has been taken down. I’ve referred SO many people to Jade’s incredible website over the years.
Here are pics of me with Warren, and with Jade:
By Kendra Holliday | March 22, 2015
You guys, I just love my pubic hair!
Or should I say, public hair?
Just look at it – doesn’t it resemble a willow tree?
Even the stubble around it resembles a starry night. I should get a little moon tattoo above it, ha. Maybe my belly button is the moon, the source of my being…. alunapull.
This area of my body is so full of sacred femininity, mystery, pleasure, Yin… Look at that Y! Look how it reaches up as if in celebration!
The hair is soft, musky, and leads to luscious pink folds of skin. Salty and sweet. I’m tingling right now.
I love Sunday mornings. I am worshiping myself and feel love. They say that if you are surrounded by love, you are already in heaven…
By Kendra Holliday | March 14, 2015
The other day, I attended a SEX+STL women’s only Topless Tarot event with my daughter, and it was wonderful!
The ages of the attendees ranged from 14 (my daughter) to 65. There was one other mother/teen duo there as well, in addition to about 20 women of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds.
This was not the first clothing optional women’s only event we’ve had (in the past, we’ve done Pussy Parties and Topless Tea Parties), but it was the first one my daughter attended. So it was kind of a big deal! Naturally, I wanted it to be a positive experience for her.
I think ALL young women should have the chance to experience body-affirming moments. It’s so funny – for a lot of us, the older we get, the more comfortable we are in our skin. We don’t appreciate our bodies when we are younger, thinner, and more vital.
My daughter has a wonderful, strong, beautiful body, but she is wracked with all the insecurities I had at that age. I remember feeling so awkward and inferior. I compared myself to every other female – girls my age, models on television, older women. I remember some of the weird things I tried to improve my appearance – slouching, lots of makeup, starving myself, padded bras, walking around blind without my glasses.
When it finally seemed futile that I would never be beautiful and measure up to society’s standards, I went ahead and shaved my head and wore black all the time. I eventually outgrew that phase, but the body image struggle continued through my stripper phase, my married phase, my pregnant phase, my divorced phase, my nude goddess phase… heck, I STILL struggle, but I’m not going to let that hold me back from celebrating my body, feeling pleasure, and being naked!
It’s painful watching her struggle. The Topless Tarot party seemed like a gentle exercise, and of course, she was happy to give it a try. She and I are used to seeing each other naked around the house, but it would be different with others there.
Here is me at age 27 with my squishy little newborn daughter, almost 15 years ago:
By Kendra Holliday | March 8, 2015
Don’t be so hard on yourself!
This article is part of a series that delves into the issues brought up in The Dysfunctional Bedroom: Top 5 Sex Life Woes.
Many people seek me out because they have no one to talk to when it comes to sex. I’m the only person in the real world who knows that Lenny likes wearing pantyhose. Or that John wants to find a dominatrix. Or that Jenny has rape fantasies.
I’m like an atheist priest.
They feel guilty about something. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “Well, I was raised Catholic…”
They need someone they can be open and honest with, someone who won’t judge them, someone who is fluent in the language of sexuality.
They need compassion.
“‘Our secrets keep us sick’ is a well-known maxim within the therapy community,” says Amy Luechtefeld, a sex-positive psychotherapist in St. Louis. “The companion quote to that is, ‘We’re only as sick as our secrets.’ In any case, secrets tend to consume an inordinate amount of our energy, resulting in lies and shame and generally have a parasitic effect.”
How do you shake the shame that festers in you like sex cooties?
By Matthew | March 7, 2015
Some thoughts from my partner of seven years, Matthew…
More and more people are thinking outside the confining cage of social norms these days and exploring the option of opening their relationship. While this is something that can be truly amazing and freeing, there are a number of considerations that should be made piror to, and during, the process.
What kind of door is it that you are about to open? A single or double door? Revolving door? Sliding door? A Security Door? Here is a very short list of some truly important items that you should also think about:
1. Move Slowly
There should be no reason to rush this process. If you find there is a high degree of expedition in your partner’s, or your own, eagerness to open the door, examine it. Do not go forward with the process if one of you is not happy with your current relationship. If the door you are opening is not well adjusted, balanced and oiled; it will not function properly. In other words, someone could get hurt.
|Opening doors can lead to many great things.|
2. Define Guidelines
It is extremely important to discuss limitations and you should certainly have some in place at the onset. These can be any number of things. Perhaps you would only like new partners to use the front door, keeping the back door reserved for yourselves. Safer sex is a must of course. A great way to start the guidline discussion is: Who? What? When? Where? (The “Why?” should have already been discussed by the time you get to setting up guidlines.)
3. Mutual Respect
It is imperative that everyone involved feels respected. From primary partners, to new partners, to potential partners. Don’t slam the door in anyone’s face once you’ve opened it. Of course, you aren’t going open the door to anyone who you don’t think should come in, so there should be no need to slam a door. However, there may be a need to lock it sometime. People who choose not to respect your relationship with your primary should remain outside of the door, knocking.
4. Be Honest
Do not be afraid to acknowledge any feeling you have, no matter how small or silly you may think it is. Those small emotional responses can smolder and turn into a raging fire quickly if they are not placed on the table. One thing that you can be sure of in life, aside from from the fact that you’ll die someday, is that honest, mature communication is always beneficial.
Be prepared to experience being emotionaly uncomfortable at some point, no matter how many times you talk about it, no matter how strong your primary relationship is. Early on, and even sometime after you’ve opened the door, you will naturally long for your primary partner and/or even wonder about the stability of your relationship when they are with someone else. Do not feel like you are doing something wrong, or are inferior. Realize that you are in love and keep being open and honest with each other.
Remember, what you are attempting to do is what so many other people are already doing, except they are climbing through windows. It’s much better to use the door.
By Kendra Holliday | March 4, 2015
I am not a licensed therapist. I do not have a degree in sexology. All of my knowledge and wisdom about human desire and happiness is based on my own research and personal experience.
This allows me greater freedom and flexibility when it comes to the sex and relationship consulting I offer. I’ve seen hundreds of clients in the past few years. Most of them have been men – men are more in touch with their sexuality and are more ambitious when it comes to solving problems and getting what they want. I think this is due to their higher testosterone level, but even more so, the double standard in our society that still represses the majority of women.
It’s interesting to note that most of my clients divulge things to me in our first session that they haven’t revealed to the real psychologist they’ve been meeting with for months. It’s important to address the deep, dark sexual secrets, because they influence everything on the surface – it’s all connected.
Here are the top reasons people seek me out for guidance:
They need an atheist priest.
I’m the only person in the real world who knows that Lenny likes wearing pantyhose. Or that John wants to find a dominatrix. Or that Jenny has rape fantasies.
They feel guilty about something. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “Well, I was raised Catholic…”
They need someone they can be open and honest with, someone who won’t judge them, someone who is fluent in the language of sexuality.
They have baggage.
The baggage society weighs you down with can weigh a TON. Often people will repeat the same mistakes over and over, getting with a man who treats them as crappy as their last partner, who is echoing neglect from their father.
Something terrible happened to them years ago.
Someone wronged them.
They screwed up.
They still pine for their “true love.”
By Kendra Holliday | February 21, 2015
I used to HATE winter, but then I learned about hygge.
What is hygge?
Hygge is a Danish word that translates into: “GET COZY AND HAPPY EVEN THOUGH IT’S FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE!”
Well, here is what the Visit Denmark website says:
“Hard to explain and even harder to pronounce, the Danish word hygge (pronounced ‘hooga’) roughly translates to ‘coziness’. In essence, hygge means creating a warm atmosphere and enjoying the good things in life with good people. The warm glow of candlelight is hygge. Friends and family – that’s hygge too. There’s nothing more hygge than sitting round a table, discussing the big and small things in life. Perhaps hygge explains why the Danes are the happiest people in the world!”
Turning a negative into a positive = LIFE’S SECRET WEAPON.
I have a Norwegian friend and I make him pronounce it for me. Over and over, hee! As an ignorant, but now *enlightened* American, it’s a tricky word to say! But at least I know how to DO IT.
Since I learned about hygge, I’ve surrounded myself with glowing candles, soft scarves and blankets, warm spirits, and cozy-inducing activities. Mood lighting and inviting textures are KEY. Group sex is optional.
While the ice pelted down on us like pop rocks last night, I had an amazing foursome with some loved ones. We were one big, erotic cuddle pile!
Here are some examples of MY hygge – I range from sweet to sexxxy:
By Kendra Holliday | February 19, 2015
|Are you obsessed with
the wrong person?
“Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in.” – Robert Seidenberg
I have two close friends who are suffering from limerence.
Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person.
Some of the components:
– Intrusive thinking about the limerent object. (Note the word “object” used here when referring to a human being. The thoughts become pretty possessive.)
– Acute longing for reciprocation.
– Unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence.
– Intensification through adversity.
– Acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition, with one’s mood being affected by the limerent object’s actions.
I’ve experienced limerence many times in my life. The first time was in 5th grade when I freakishly obsessed over Michael Jackson. The second time was in 7th grade when I became obsessed with Duran Duran. I thought about Simon Le Bon’s sperm a little too much, let me tell you.
When limerence is mutual, it’s magical. It’s New Relationship Energy. It can fuel you for weeks, even months, until you get to a more simmering, contented love destination.
When limerence is one-sided, that pretty much puts you in the “stalker” category. One-sided limerence cloaks a person in delusion, false hope. You’re lovesick. When you’re under the spell of limerence, you are never bored. Nor are you mentally healthy. Your energy is being channeled down a dead end street.
By Kendra Holliday | February 18, 2015
I offer sex and relationship consulting, and I’m happy to say that I’ve been getting more women, LGBT folks, and couples these days. Historically, most of the people who have sought me out for my unique services have been men who crave female energy.
The Top 5 reasons why people contact me are, in this order:
1. He’s a married man in his 50’s or 60’s whose wife is not interested in sex (mismatched libido)
2. He/she/they have some sort of sexual issue they want to work through, such as inexperience, anxiety, or penis problems
3. He/she/they are interested in branching out sexually, either because they are in transition, not getting laid, or curious about alternative lifestyle options (non-monogamy, BDSM, sex work, etc.)
4. He has a fetish and is ashamed/seeking an outlet
5. They want to meet me, and possibly rub me for good luck
My goal is to offer tools, connections, and non-traditional options so that the people seeking me out can reach their goal of becoming happier and healthier. My approach is unconventional, and I get referrals from licensed sex therapists. I’m pretty well connected and have a strong network. Sex is my specialty, which ties into work, family, personal – everything!
Here is a list of resources I most often recommend to my clients:
By Kendra Holliday | February 17, 2015
Do y’all know about Cowboy Ethics?
I keep the book by my bed, right next to the condoms, candles, and lube. It’s like my bible.
It’s also like porn to me – totally sexy. People who possess Cowboy Ethics TURN ME ON.
So, what are these good qualities that make me drool and take notice?
I’m not talking about rodeos and eating steak and slinging guns and chewing tobacco. I do like country music, however – it’s so sentimental! And I LOVE country living – give me a cabin in the woods any day!
Here’s what I’m talking about.
People with Cowboy Ethics are rugged. They are patient. They are passionate. They don’t quit. They have a heightened sense of justice. They do the right thing.
Some people come by their Cowboy Ethics honestly – it’s effortless for them. Others need training, like me! I strive to live by the Code of the West.
Here are the ten tenets – how many of these ring true to you? Which ones do you need to work on?
1. Live each day with courage.
Be brave. Be strong. Conquer your fears. Courage means “to have heart.” Having courage means doing what is right, even when it scares the living daylights out of you. Be true to yourself.
Talking openly and honestly about my intensely personal and kinky sex life, and posting photos of myself naked – right down to my hairy armpits and shaved pussy – being intimate with the world, sharing myself with strangers – that takes courage.
Don’t be a coward. Face your fears. Replace the fear with LOVE.
2. Take pride in your work.
My top three priorities are my daughter, my life’s passion (sex and relationships), and work (making money). Luckily, some of these things overlap. I’m a single mom, so I have to bust a move if I want to take my daughter on a nice trip or splurge on renting a fancy house for a play party.
I have a day job I don’t love, but I take it seriously and have pride in my work. I also work at Wash U as a Gynecological Teaching Associate. I give talks for medical professionals. I work with licensed sex therapists. I mentor women interested in sex work. I absolutely LOVE my work as a counselor and sex surrogate. That is where my true talent lies, and where I make a real difference in people’s lives.
You should always try to leave people, places, and things in better condition than you found them.
It’s good to have more than one way to make money. Be diverse in your skills, but also be an expert in something. Be passionate! What are your top three priorities? What are you passionate about?
By Kendra Holliday | February 16, 2015
Everyone is bitching about how terrible 50 Shades of Grey is. I’m no exception.
Yes, it sucks.
So where can you find GOOD erotica – the kind that will jump start a million libidos and celebrate kinky creativity?
Writing is not easy, but based on all the incredibly shitty erotica out there, it must be especially hard to craft this genre. You have to use the right words and flow to elicit feelings of arousal, rather than cringing. It’s a delicate balance. Plus, it can be pretty subjective. Some people hate the word “cunt,” while others can’t stand the term “nether lips.”
I asked friends and readers for their recommendations, and came up with this extensive list of 30 Shades of Great! Thank you to everyone who contributed!
1. Sleeping Beauty Trilogy – this one was mentioned the most. You should probably check it out.
2.Literotica – Hit and miss, but LOTS to explore. My favorite category is Incest/Taboo.
4. Anais Nin – I remember being so shocked and turned on reading the scene where a group of men pin down a woman and let a big, shaggy dog lick her pussy. I also got really disturbed and turned on reading about the man who found a freshly drowned body and had his way with it.
5. The Story of O - female submission galore
7. Exit to Eden – more Anne Rice BDSM
8. Genesis Deflowered - the Bible is already salacious enough, but this author fleshes out some scenes…
9. My Secret Garden – published the year I was born! These fantasies are timeless…
10. Forbidden Flowers – encore to Secret Garden
11. Kushiel’s Legacy series by Jacqueline Carey – I’ve read this, it’s pretty good. Hell, you know it’s good when you remember certain scenes and incorporate them into your own fantasies – the one that stands out to me is when the slave girl is in the great hall and is presented to a Lord as a gift, and his Lady watches him take the slave girl on the table…
12. Whip Smart – memoir of a college student working as a dominatrix
By Kendra Holliday | February 15, 2015
We all know that humans are not unfeeling objects, right? – despite the mainstream media trying to push us in that direction. From what I can gather, our society tends to regard natural bodies and animals with contempt.
Here is what mainstream seems to like:
No body hair
No body fluid
NEWSFLASH: We ARE animals. Mammals, in fact. Primates, actually. We have body hair, fluids, feelings.
We are born natural (nature!) and can remain that way, if we wish.
We can fake or freak our way through life, or we can go The Bonobo Way.
We can REPLACE THE FEAR WITH LOVE.
You can read all about it in Dr. Susan Block’s book by the same title.
It’s very difficult for me to write about this book, because I want to share every single detail. There is not one sentence I disagree with. I could have written it myself, as it shares all my unconventional, sex-positive sentiments, except I didn’t – Dr. Suzy did, and you need to heed this good Doctor’s advice!
She writes in an extremely engaging, reassuring style, full of cute metaphors and alliteration. Yes, she has a freak flag and she’s not afraid to let it fly, but she keeps the tone very safe for bonobo beginners. She’s a REAL sex therapist who employs non-traditional methods for treating couples and individuals dealing with sex and relationship issues. She offers solutions for bored couples, inorgasmic and uninspired women, inexperienced men, men suffering from anxiety when being intimate with a woman, and more.
One of her first steps for learning the Bonobo Way is to watch bonobos in action. If you can’t see them in the wild or in a zoo (they are only found in about 20 zoos in the world), you can find footage online.