By Kendra Holliday | September 23, 2016
I’m 43 years old. Here is my life trajectory so far:
1973: I’m born in North Dakota. Brrrr!
1974: My family moves to Dallas, Texas.
1975: Who the hell knows.
1976: My brother is born.
1977: Um, Elvis dies?
1978: My sister is born. My brother throws up. I remember my first dream; I’m kidnapped by Captain Hook and held hostage with Raggedy Ann and Andy. He cuts off my foot and it looks like SpaghettiOs.
1979: My family moves to St. Louis.
1980: My baby brother is born, and dies two days later. My mom tries to kill herself several times, and when that fails, she burns his name into the back of her hand with a soldering iron. She is never the same again. A very dark time.
1981: Life still sucks. My mom is a complete wreck.
1982: My brother is born. My grandmother dies.
1983: I get molested by an older, adopted brother. It SUCKS. I get sent to therapy, and I don’t know why. I think I’m being punished. I am a victim.
1984: I have my first lesbian encounter. It’s hot and naughty. I’m 11.
1985: My baby sister is born. I drop her on her head, but don’t kill her. Skeptical about god’s involvement, I become an atheist.
1986: I hit puberty and middle school, and lose all my artistic talent and confidence. My family is poor white trash, and I am branded a zitty nerd. It sucks.
1987: My mom keeps getting crazier and crazier. It makes me crazy, and I attempt suicide. I spend time in three different mental hospitals. I lose my virginity to a 24 year old creep with a mustache because he keeps badgering me and I finally give in. It sucks.
1988: My moms tries to kill herself again. I put pressure on her slashed, gaping arms as my dad calls the ambulance. She gets hospitalized a lot, and OD’s, and gets shock treatment. I fuck around and feel very confused. It sucks.
By Kendra Holliday | September 21, 2016
BLACK LIVES MATTER.
I am serious.
We love to fetishize and FEAR black men, women, and transgender people.
Escorts, bulls, trannys, hookers, hos, bitches, pimps, thugs, drug dealers, robbers, rapists… we subconsciously and consciously wallow in projection…. painting our dark dreams… casting shadows. So much guilt and shame surrounding racism.
And often guilt and shame and forbidden thoughts give us that taboo thrill we need to get off.
We need to channel that powerful energy to something positive.
SEX not DEATH.
PLEASURE not PAIN.
Our country is deep in the throes of non-consensual power exchange. Consensual power exchange is the core of BDSM, which can be a healthy outlet for acting out fears and healing. Non-consensual power exchange is ASSAULT and ABUSE, which can be deadly.
Please do your part to end needless suffering.
I really don’t know how to reconcile all this grief and death and turmoil.
2016 has been a real test of strength.
I know this in my heart.
But it’s still hard.
By Kendra Holliday | September 13, 2016
As a follow up to my post Can Creepy Men Be Cured?, I offer these quick thoughts on how to activate a woman, as opposed to repelling her.
Offer good male energy. Stand out among all the men who fall short.
Be a giver, not a taker.
Exude sexy confidence.
Be mature. Don’t be eager. RELAX.
Be grateful, but not groveling.
Show appreciation and respect. Cowboy Ethics.
Know how to be a gentleman. Know how to be a rogue. More importantly, know WHEN to be a gentleman, and WHEN to be a rogue.
Learn how to worship, as well as ravish.
If you watch Game of Thrones, you’ll get this joke I’ve seen online: “Ned Stark in the streets, Oberyn Martell in the sheets.”
Or, even better: “Podrick Payne in the streets, Podrick Payne in the sheets.” 😉
Strive to be a King, a Warrior, a Magician, and Lover, as opposed to a Tyrant, a Bully, a Fool, and a Loser. (A loser is someone who has lost something, such as their mojo.)
Don’t be entitled. Be genuine.
The other day, when I wrote someone to confirm our session, instead of responding with the usual grunt, “yeah I’ll be there”, he replied, “I cannot wait to see you today! Your beautiful mind, body, and energy will be on my mind until I get to see you!”
Upon reading that, I was immediately activated and turned on for our session.
By Kendra Holliday | September 13, 2016
Dear Kendra, I don’t know about you, but I know a lot of creepy men. What makes a man creepy? Can creepy men be cured? Or, once a creep, always a creep? Have you ever met a creepy woman?
All right, readers, I want feedback from YOU – tell me about an encounter you had with a creepy guy. What made it creepy? What are the qualities of a creep? Can creeps be cured?
Here is what I have to say on the subject – I hope reader input will help shape my understanding of this unfortunate issue.
Being in the sex industry, I’ve met A LOT of creeps. Here is an example:
A few years ago, a man contacted me through this website. He wrote me a couple emails, then met me at an event I advertised – I was part of a sex fair that was open to the public. He seemed nice enough, and asked to meet me for coffee.
I said sure, so we met for coffee. At coffee, he asked me tons of questions and got this weird look in his eyes. He got excited from all the things I was sharing with him. He walked me to my car and asked if he could get in with me so he could ask me a question.
A huge red flag went up, but I said sure, BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT. (Since then, I have tightened my security and have read The Gift of Fear, and consider it required reading for every woman.)
We sat in the car and he turned to me. “Can I kiss you?”
Disgusted and horrified, I sputtered no. I had NO interest in this guy. He was creepy. What made him think I wanted to make out with him? (Answer: I gave him the time of day. Other things that lead men to think you are interested in them: Eye contact. Smiling. Laughing at their jokes. Being polite. Being female.) At least he didn’t lunge at me.
He whined a bit, then took his leave. I’m very lucky nothing bad happened. I appreciate that he asked and respected my reaction. NEVER put yourself in a closed space with someone you’re unsure of.
Later, he showed up for one of my TBK get togethers. He circled the party, stared, and kept to himself. His behavior made me uncomfortable.
After that, he emailed me two or three times asking when I was going to have another get together.
I’ll tell you when: NEVER. Or if I do, it will be invite only.
It wasn’t just him that put a damper on the party for me – there were two other creepy guys there who drank too much and crossed some lines.
OK, so what made this particular guy creepy?
By Kendra Holliday | September 5, 2016
It was a sunny afternoon, and golden light was streaming through the window.
Matthew had me up on the table in the middle of my dining room. When I bought it, I made sure it was sturdy enough for fucking around on.
I was nude, lying on my back, legs spread. He sat in a chair at the head of the table, with a bottle of lube as a condiment.
He was in one of those supremely confident moods. (what else is new?) – always a good skill to have when doing a scene like this.
Looking down at him sitting up straight and proud with his fists planted on either side of me, he completely reminded me of an arrogant King about to tuck into a celebratory feast.
I felt like one of those Turduckens – you know, a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey.
Except I was more like a bitch stuffed inside a whore stuffed inside a slut.
Which I guess makes me a… slortch?
By Kendra Holliday | August 27, 2016
Happy GO TOPLESS DAY AUG 28!
I’ve FINALLY figured out what makes female breasts/nipples so awed and feared!
You know I’ve been struggling with this Topless Inequality quandary for years – remember the Obscene Nipple Game?
A married man told me that seeing his wife’s breasts is always exciting – it never gets old. “Every time I see them, it’s like it’s the first time. It’s refreshing and invigorating.”
I notice with amusement how predictable my clients are – as soon as my bra comes off, they lean down and suck on each nipple, like an automatic, erotic handshake. They simply HAVE to touch and fondle them.
But then get this – the other day I had a date with my girlfriend, and when she took off her shirt, I was compelled to do the exact same thing! I just wanted to grab them! But I didn’t – I was a respectful lady. And that reaction is even with me having breasts myself!
Breasts are like warm, glowing light bulbs, and we are mere moths. Supposedly, moths are drawn to light because of some ancient connection to the moon, which is a feminine symbol.
Sooo here’s the deal – the reason female breasts and nipples are so awed and feared is because
THEY ARE MAGIC.
That’s it. They are a source of creation and life-giving. They symbolize Mother Earth – they are the opposite of destruction. And while most people revere and respect life force and see it as a positive thing, some people find it overwhelming and confusing, which can be scary. The more we can be in touch with our feelings, the healthier we can process the mysterious world around us.
I breastfed my daughter for a year, and am so proud how I provided her only food source for months, and how she thrived and grew – it’s so magical and empowering!
In honor of this realization, I’m hosting a Topless Tarot event later this week, for women only. We’ll sit around in my warm and cozy fairy cottage and connect and bond over candlelight, cards, gems, and runes. We’ll be surrounded by breasts and loving female energy! Our cups runneth over!
I went back into my blog archives and pulled random breast photos – I just love them so much, and am happy to have them. I’m glad to share them with you, on my own terms. Thank you for your respectful worship and appreciation!
By Kendra Holliday | August 25, 2016
Last night my daughter and I attended a school board meeting that featured sex ed.
The school sent a survey out to parents last year. Over 1000 parents responded (I was SO excited to fill it out!), with the majority of parents in favor of updating the curriculum to include important topics beyond pregnancy and STIs, such as gender and LGBTQ issues, consent, and exploring sexuality.
As a result, the board voted and approved the improved curriculum in March. HOORAY! You can read details here.
I’m Co-Leader of Sex Positive St. Louis and I graduated from the school in ’91. My sex-positive daughter is a sophomore now. Needless to say, we strongly advocate acceptance, inclusiveness, and accurate education when it comes to the wide range of human sexuality. We were in good company, with plenty of rabbis, physicians, professionals, sex and health educators, and representatives from local organizations such as Growing American Youth and TransParent.
But some people are having a fit over the change. They think the curriculum, which draws mainly on Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines for sexual education, is medically inaccurate. They also think providing information sends a dangerous message and encourages teens to have sex. Let me ask you – did you have sex as a teenager? Most of us did, and we fumbled around and made lots of mistakes. I wish I would have been better informed at that age.
People both for and against the teachings that will promote acceptance and better emotional health attended the meeting.
The people against the change wore white to symbolize purity and innocence.
One of the white people kept repeating the word “pornography” with such passion that it made me want to run right home and watch some! Another white person demanded that the school stick to “education, not indoctrination.”
A mom and her incredibly brave and shaking 16 year old son got up to speak – Andrew Bennett has been getting bullied and slandered by some of the white adults, online and in person.
As they spoke, some of the white people shouted angrily at them and some turned their backs on them.
You can watch footage of them speaking here. The building was surrounded by police and security.
Teen hero Andrew is saving lives by putting himself out there. I can’t wait to see him speak in front of thousands of people someday.
My daughter got to witness adult behavior – some mature and respectful, some not. I’m proud to say the people we sat with exhibited good manners. But I have to confess – as soon as we got to our car, we burst out laughing and repeated the word “pornography” all the way home.
I got compliments on my Planned Parenthood “I LOVE SEX ED” shirt. 🙂
I counsel adults mainly in the 40-70 age range who were grossly misinformed when they came of age. If the next generation gets proper education, then I can be put out of business and bake cupcakes or garden instead. Or, if we choose to remain ignorant, I can make lots of money mucking around in all the guilt and shame baggage.
I prefer the former.
By Kendra Holliday | August 24, 2016
Last week I lost another client. (Please read this previous post about losing a client before proceeding.)
He wasn’t just a client – he was a friend and lover, too.
D and I first met over two years ago – his doctor referred him to me after it was determined he would outlive his initial diagnosis of dying young. Now, it looked like he could expect to make it to middle age. With that startling revelation, he was able to consider pursuing adult activities beyond getting his college degree – sex. A relationship.
But he was behind all of his peers in dating experience, so he needed to seek ways to catch up.
Drastic, unconventional ways. Beyond OK Cupid.
So, we met for a couple of consultations and built rapport. Because of his breathing machine, D was difficult to understand, and he didn’t have the muscle strength to move as much, but his eyes – oh his eyes were so incredibly expressive. I spent many hours gazing into those beautiful, warm eyes.
He used a motorized wheelchair and had a hospital bed. His medical condition kept him feeling cold all the time, so his bedroom would be really warm. I felt bad removing his cozy blankets, but the excitement and passion we shared provided a different type of warmth. Even his cologne smelled warm, like a clean, masculine fire.
At the beginning of each session, D would ask a sex question, such as, “I saw this in porn – is it really like that?” or “Is female ejaculation real?” and we would come up with different themes to explore. We had such fun and educational sessions!
We kissed as best we could around the breathing tube. His body was solid, so I was able to climb around him pretty easily. Still, I always made sure he wasn’t just enduring something or have pain interfere with pleasure.
By Kendra Holliday | August 14, 2016
The experience blew me away. I am a changed person.
I expected to soak up new energy in a new city, new ideas, new people, and learn about tantra. I’ve read a lot about it online, plus I read Barbara’s book Urban Tantra twice – yet I still didn’t have a proper grasp on it. I think tantra is like Burning Man – you have to immerse yourself in it in order to “get it.”
Well, I got all that and more – I met other sex workers, fetish models, dominatrix, tantrikas, and other specialists. I learned about marketing, BDSM, gender politics, and about other cultures.
That picture of Barbara on the right? That’s what the week was like – we were sparkling, ecstatic, and open-hearted.
My NYC escort for the week was my good friend Matthew Stillman, who was also attending the course. He’s like a brother to me – I was so lucky to spend the week with him – it was my first time to NYC and I was so intimidated! I couldn’t have been matched with a better soul – he’s lived in NYC his entire life and was an excellent guide.
We walked all over the place and took the subway!!! Columbia University, Central Park, Brooklyn Bridge… I reread A Tree Grows in Brooklyn on my trip, and found this slut-shaming passage still relevant, 70 years later:
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2016
Disclaimer: I wrote this a long time ago, and it never seemed to fit the vibe of this blog, so I’ve never published it here, or anywhere. It ALMOST made it in BUST magazine, but they chose an essay about male strippers instead.
I was in a very different place 20+ years ago, but since I mentioned it in the post yesterday about Jobs I Have Had, I decided to follow up with this. My next post will feature modern positive updates, I promise!
I had this gig was when I was 19 (I’m 43 now). I was pretty much trapped in a bad spot – kicked out of my house, no money, no car, dead end job.
I didn’t know what to do. So one day, a girlfriend and I decided to check out the strip clubs on the East Side. I called a place at random, and asked if they hired girls who had no boobs and couldn’t dance. She said sure, gave me directions, and told me to come in for an “interview.”
So I saved up money for a down payment on the cheapest car I could find, and we drove over there.
It was SO frightening entering that place. It was like a haunted house, but it was in the afternoon, and the building sat on a gravel parking lot in Washington Park like an overgrown mobile home. It was called Mainstreet.
Quaking, my friend and I entered. It was really dark, and we had to go up some stairs. There was a bouncer at the door, a 6’6″ black man named Humphrey who directed us to the bartender, who was in charge. She was very tan, busty, and abrupt, and our “interview” consisted of us being taken back to the dressing room, and being told to lift our shirts. I guess she was checking for scars, or a hairy chest or something.
We filled out an application (the whole purpose being to get in writing that you’re 18), and we were hired.
I gave my employer two weeks notice, and soon it was my first day to report to the strip club. I was SOO nervous, because guess what?
I was on my own.
My friend chickened out. (It’s almost unheard of for a woman to just walk into a strip joint out of the blue and get a job there. Women usually wind up there because a friend they party with or relative works there.)
My first day was TERRIFYING. I was paired up with a sweet-n-stupid girl with bleach blond curls and pink lipstick named “Sassy,” who took one look at me and gave me the name “Glamour.” Can you believe that was my stage name?? Isn’t it SO Seven Dwarfs?
She lent me high heels, and for the first time in my life, I got up on a stage and took my clothes off in front of a bunch of strange men 20 years older than me. Can you imagine doing that right now? Can you imagine doing that as a teenager?
We hustled the guys all day, and I went home feeling very dirty and exhausted. And that’s the way I felt for next nine months. I was in my prime and desired by many, but absolutely LOATHED myself.
The strip club I worked at was owned by a nasty man in his 50’s named Tom Venezia, and his 25 yr old son, Milan Venezia. They were SLEAZY all right, and were involved in all kinds of illegal activity, and had loads of money. Milan thought he was hot stuff, so did his dad. They would pick the hardest, bitchiest princess girls and SHARE them, and of course the “chosen ones” thought they were something else, too. They’d run the bar, like the one who hired me.
By Kendra Holliday | August 11, 2016
Babysitter. When I was 12-16 years old, I babysat a lot. I wasn’t very good at it. Looking back, I feel bad for the parents who trusted me with their homes and children. Sometimes they hired me so they could go on dates, but sometimes they had to work or go to school. I was oblivious to their grind. Some were rich, but some struggled. It was sad seeing them divorce. Nothing bad ever happened on my watch, but I did snoop around their house, eat their food, and made sure the kids followed the rules. As soon as they fell asleep, I would watch Cinemax softcore porn and get all tingly. One thing I did NOT do is steal, and one of the moms accused me of stealing from her kid’s piggy bank! I ran into her ten years later and was able to confront her. It still hurt after all those years. She apologized and told me it was a different babysitter – she just assumed it was me because I was younger. It was good getting closure with her.
Telemarketer. As soon as I turned 16, I got a job selling magazine subscriptions over the phone, facing a wall in a room full of cubicles. It was HELL being a clueless teenager and cold calling people, trying to make them buy something they didn’t need, and getting rejected, hung up on, cussed out. I only lasted a day. I remember thinking, “This is what having a job is like? It SUCKS!”
Salad Bar Attendant at grocery store. A week later, I got a job at a grocery store near my parent’s house, working in the salad bar. I’d sometimes go to school until 3pm, then work at the salad bar from 4-10pm. Sometimes I’d have a Sat or Sun shift that went from 530am-3pm. I wore a polyester uniform and stood in the cold back room for hours, chopping romaine lettuce, pineapples, rinsing slimy kidney beans…I worked there until I was 18, and was glad to be transferred to the bakery where things were warmer, smelled better, and there were cupcakes. During this time, I was an unethical slut and fucking around – one time my jealous boyfriend visited me on my lunch break. He put his hand on my thigh and felt the garter belt and stocking I had on under my polyester pants. BUSTED. I remember the angry flash in his eye, and how my heart raced. I lied to him that I was wearing them to keep warm, when in reality I totally had plans to cheat on him after I clocked out.
Hotel front desk clerk. When I got kicked out of my parent’s house at 18, I was homeless, so after crashing with friends for a while, I found a crappy shotgun house right on Highway 44 with an awful roommate. I didn’t have a car, so I found a job within walking distance – that hotel at Hampton and 44. It used to be a Howard Johnson. I thought it was rather glamorous – I got to work with the pretty ladies. We had one suicide while I was there – he checked in, but he never checked out. I dated the maintenance man who resembled Bruce Springsteen, but it was bad – his penis was damaged from being circumcised later in life after a foreskin injury. The management favored my co-worker who would leave me to watch the desk while she did drug deals in vacant rooms, so I got frustrated and saved money as best I could in order to buy a car.
By Kendra Holliday | August 7, 2016
Back in April 2015, Shameless Grounds hosted an important event for people in non-traditional (poly, kinky, non-married) relationships.
If you fall into traditional social norms and are legally married and something happens to your spouse, you are protected by law. You have rights. But if you are not married to each other, you are screwed – unless you have other legal documents in place.
Lawyers were on hand at a poly-packed Shameless to educate the community and distribute paperwork for protecting yourself and your partner(s) in the event of hospitalization or death. The event was inspired by a tragedy that happened to one of my polyamorous friends – she was banned from her partner’s hospital bedside by his family. She found out about his death by seeing his obituary. Never in a million years did she think this would happen to her – she got along great with his family before he fell ill. And now, during this time of crisis, for whatever reason, they turned on her. She was devastated to her core.
My partner Matthew and I don’t have plans to marry or move in together, but we’ve been together eight years and trust each other with our lives. So, in lieu of legal marriage documentation, we finally have the official paperwork in place, notarized and witnessed: Hospital Visitation Authorization and Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care and Directive.
And when I say finally, I mean FINALLY. I’ve been carrying the folder of paperwork around with me in my laptop bag for the past sixteen months!
I kept trying to coordinate phone calls to the lawyer, having a meeting with my partner to fill out and sign the papers, going to a notary public to have them officiated, and then having two witnesses sign them. Plus, all kinds of kid stuff, events, and other duties and obligations kept getting in the way.
It took a couple weeks of calling the law office for me to get answers from them on the steps I needed to take – they were super busy. So I’d be glad to recommend them to you, but you may want to do a search for Probate and Estate Planning Lawyers in your area. Since our focus was on healthcare directive and not on finances or property, we were able to utilize state forms you can find online here. (I got the Hospital Visitation Authorization Form from the lawyer.) But if you have more complicated needs or have an estate worth over $40,000, you should definitely meet with a lawyer to cover all the bases. Keep in mind that MO law is different than IL law, so stick to your state.
By Kendra Holliday | July 31, 2016
My friend Mitchell Tepper, Ph.D., MPH is working on a documentary project featuring injured soldiers and their sexuality. It’s called Making Love After Making War, and they are raising funds for the film. Of course I donated to this important cause, and wanted to let you know about it.
There are six days left of the campaign – won’t you please consider contributing sometime this week? Or help spread the word?
I met Dr. Mitchell Tepper last summer at an AASECT Summer Institute that focused on sexuality and disabilities. Mitchell, who has lived with a spinal cord injury for over 30 years, knows firsthand what it is like to live with a permanent disability, and he is passionate about teaching others how to make the most out of their unique situation. He is a husband, father, and sex educator. He’s also brilliant, ambitious, and one of the most positive people I know.
So, yeah, I believe in his work and want to support this project however I can.
Please take a look at the Indiegogo campaign and find out more. Thank you!
By Kendra Holliday | July 29, 2016
Have you heard of My Princess Boy? It’s a book that celebrates boys who feel happiest when wearing clothes most commonly reserved for girls in our culture. Do you ever wonder what happens to some of those boys when they grow up? Some feel terrible shame and keep their truest desire to dress in the clothes they like best a secret.
Others find the courage and support to go out there and make their dressiest dreams come true. Here is my friend H.’s story…
Trying on dresses at David’s Bridal
I have been cross-dressing since I was a little boy. I have always had a love for formal dresses and wedding dresses. Over the past year, I contacted several bridal shops asking if, as a male, could I come into their store for a fitting before I bought a dress.
Repeatedly, I was told flat out NO!
I had the wrong genitals between my legs to be welcome as a customer.
Finally, I contacted David’s Bridal asking them the same question I have asked others in the past.
I was told by David’s Bridal I was more then welcome to come in for a fitting and try on dresses, when would I like to come in for an appointment? I talked it over with my wife to make sure it was all right with her for me to do this.
My wife told me if that’s what I wanted to do, I was more then welcome to schedule a appointment. My 50th birthday was just two months away. I could not think of a better way to spend my 50th birthday. I called the David’s Bridal in Fairview Heights, Illinois and talked to the customer service rep.
I made my appointment! David’s Bridal asked me to go to their website and register and pick out what dresses I liked best.
By Kendra Holliday | July 15, 2016
My 12-yr-old daughter is asexual. Sometimes I wonder if she will always be that way. (UPDATE: I first wrote this four years ago. She is now 16 years old and is still asexual.)
Not that it would be a bad thing, but it sure would be really fucking ironic.
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others or the lack of interest in sex.
I’ve been a horndog since I was about 9. She and I have had very different experiences growing up.
My mom tells me I used to play with myself as a baby. To my knowledge, my daughter has never experimented with that. (As an aside, my mom was 27 when she gave birth to me, and I was 27 when I gave birth to my daughter, so there’s always this eerie parallel running in my head – how DIFFERENT I am from my mom, who’s only had one sex partner her entire life and suffers from a host of mental illnesses.)
When I was 9, I was molested by an older adopted brother, which exposed me to sex early and manifested itself as a hypersexual mindset. I was drawing dirty pictures in 3rd grade, and writing erotica at age 12. I was making out with girls at 11 and boys at 13.
My daughter has never been molested. So far, the only bad things that have happened to her on that front is 1) one man on the internet sent her a cock shot, 2) one man flashed her while she was walking down the street, and 3) one man grabbed her butt in a public swimming pool. Each time, she was horrified and disgusted.
She does a lot of research online for her writing projects and is into anime and deviantART. This means she runs into adult content from time to time. As soon as she encounters it, she backs the hell up – she has absolutely no interest in it.