Fantasy vs Reality

Is fantasy better than reality? Let's find out!

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The Fantasy

I came up with this fantasy I wanted to act out in real life...

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The Reality

You be the judge - which is hotter - the fantasy, or the reality?

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Liberator Wedge and Throe

Two very valuable bedroom accessories for the sexually creative!

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Hey Jealousy

You want to fuck other people - so why does it pain you when your partner does, too?

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Cucumber Yoni Cleanse

Are you ready to feel fresh and clean, for less than $1?

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How to Receive Head: 3 Simple Suggestions

By Matthew | September 22, 2014 at 7:00 am

There are a great many resources on giving oral sex. From videos and articles, books and blog posts, one can find all kinds of information on how to give great blowjobs and eat some fierce pussy. But what about being skilled at receiving it?

Huh? Yes, you read that right.

Oral sex should satisfy both the giver and receiver at the same time, albeit not necessarily in the same way, but satisfying nonetheless. In order to make that happen, the receiver needs to be as active, at least mentally, as the giver. You have to find out what your partner likes. How? Here are some thoughts from my partner, Matthew…

You deserve oral worship.

1. Be Assertive

This is a big one. Don’t be afraid talk to your partner. This may take some getting used to for both of you. Some people find it embarrassing or “not right” to talk about sex openly, let alone talk while having it. Tell your partner what you like about what they are doing. Let them know they are making you feel good! “That feels amazing!” or “Yes!!  Right there!” are great places to start.

You can also fantasize with your partner through speech. If you know about a particular fantasy your partner has, or you have one of your own, try acting that out. Maybe she is your secretary or co-worker. Maybe he is that young stud you’ve been wanting to have your way with for a while. Roleplaying and fantasy are great ways to live out desires without the possible repercussions of actually doing them. The possibilities are endless, but you’ll never know any of them until you try.

Lastly, but certainly not in the least, if and when you have an orgasm, in the name of all that is good; vocalize it. “Yesssss!!!”  “I’m Cumming!!!” “Holy Fucking Shit!” or whatever comes out. (On the subject of whatever comes out: Men – do not surprise your partner with a mouthful of cum. You must let them know you are about to release so they can control where it goes. Unless of course you’ve talked about it and know what your partner prefers.)

2. Be Active

This can happen in numerous ways. Of course you shouldn’t immediately jam your dick down their throat or suffocate them with your grinding pussy. Start with a slight push toward them. Pay attention to their reaction or ask them if they like that. If they do, then you can push or grind a bit more. You’ll eventually find a comfortable amount for both of you. Keep in mind, everyone is different in their preferences. Some people like their face smothered or their mouth fucked hard and they get great pleasure from it.

Try touching their head, shoulder, cheeks, or hair in different ways. Remember always start lightly and move to more intense sensations. If you find your partner enjoys their hair gripped and head controlled, do it. If you find your partner likes his face ground into and thighs clinched around his cheeks, do it. It will make is more pleasurable for them.

3. Be Adaptive

Don’t get get stuck receiving oral in the same place, at the same time, in the same way, for the same reason. Try new positions like standing or lying on your side. Different environments can offer amazing amounts of excitement. Of course you need to be very mindful of some environments (i.e. elevators, cars, public bathrooms, dressing rooms, parking garages, wooded areas, etc.), but great pleasure can be realized from short sessions of oral sex. It doesn’t always have to be done to orgasmic completion. After all, foreplay and build up are great pleasure paths.

Certainly this list of thoughts and suggestions is just that. Everyone is different and derives pleasure in different ways. However, not many people want to feel like what they are doing is not appreciated. If you keep that in mind, you can come up with many more ways to make oral sex an even more amazing part of your life.

Now, go forth, and receive head.

What are your oral sex tips?

 

“My New Love Interest Has Herpes. What Do I Do?!”

By Kendra Holliday | September 22, 2014 at 6:15 am

Dear Kendra,

I’m about to start a relationship and the woman told me she has genital herpes. I like her, but sex is a really important part of a relationship to me and I’m not sure how to safely deal with this. I want to do the right thing by both of us and I just don’t know how to proceed. I’m also worried that this will make me more timid when/if we do have sex, which would not be as much fun for me.

My reply:

My friend had this posted as her status update on facebook the other day:

“When I was in 2nd grade we were given an assignment to write about the three things we feared most. I chose 1) killer bees 2) Russia 3) herpes.”

Good news for those who haven’t been properly educated since the 2nd grade – herpes is not as big a deal as you think. Here, a man who has herpes tells his story:

“I’ve had herpes for 35-plus years. It’s been an occasional complication when dating, but rarely a deal breaker. I can only remember one woman deciding not to have sex after I told her about the herpes. It did take my now-fiancée a number of months, a lot of research and an evaluation of the risks to decide to have protected sex.

I’ve (almost) always told potential lovers about the herpes *before* sex. That’s just plain respectful and ethical. It’s best to have the discussion before you start seriously thinking about ripping each other’s clothes off. I’m not proud of the few times I was not honest and ethical. Liquor and lust are not acceptable excuses.

A surprising number of times the woman (including my to-be/now-ex wife) has said ‘Oh. I have herpes too.’

Blood tests show that around 16% of the U.S. population has herpes. Of those, only around 20% are aware that they have it; the other 80% have no symptoms or symptoms so mild that they don’t recognize them. Infection rates are higher for women (nearly 21%) than men (11.5%). (Source: CDC)

(If one person knows that they have herpes and the other person believes that they don’t, that person might want to get tested. Maybe he/she already unknowingly has herpes.)

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Surreal Disconnect

By Kendra Holliday | September 16, 2014 at 8:18 am

Things have been surreal lately.

I just got back from Europe and have been slammed. I’m working a day job and have two or three appointments every evening. A client is flying in from Hawaii this weekend to see me and recharge his mojo. I also have a spa day at The Chase reserved with a girlfriend, a gift from a friend who appreciates what I do. I have a sexy date with FOUR people Friday night (see this post? I get to be with the two women my partner was with while I was in Germany, plus a tall, dark and handsome young man! My fantasies are coming true!) I’m seeing one of my favorite bands, Iron and Wine next week with my partner. I’m planning a big swinger party and girl pile next month. I’m plotting all kinds of trips to amazing locales. RESPONSIBLE HEDONISM. Living a rich and beautiful life as a strong and independent woman. I’m making it happen. I have positive energy to share. I love, enjoy, and appreciate life so much.

The one thing I am lacking is time.

On the flip side, my inbox is rowdy – trust me, you don’t want to see it. I get a lot of people contacting me daily from around the world, trying to push boundaries and waste my time.  The weird energy has been crazy lately. It must be the solar flares!

Here’s an example. Some guy with no profile pic named Mike has been pestering me, asking me questions. At first I was nice, but of course, if you give an inch, they’ll take a mile. Finally, I wrote to him:

Hey. You know me. You know a lot about me. You know what I look like, what I do, all kinds of exciting stuff about me. I don’t know you. I don’t know what you look like, where you live, what you’re about. You are a stranger poking me, asking me questions. I get this all the time, and it’s a weird imbalance I’m not comfortable with. So please keep following my blog, twitter, etc, but don’t assume we are insta-friends. Thank you.

I try and respond positively to every person who contacts me. I try giving every one a chance, but it’s becoming overwhelming. I’m learning I need to start deleting the time wasters right away, the people who write to me with, “Hi.” Sometimes I feel like a sow with a bunch of piglets fighting for my teats. It’s draining!

So I guess the purpose of this post is to let you know I want to help as many people as I can, but I need to stick with the people who are willing to operate on my terms. I have a policy for how I do consultations. If you don’t like it, book a consult with someone else. I screen my play parties. If you don’t like it, find some other party to attend. I am one woman offering extraordinary services. If you want something from me – advice, validation, intimacy, an amazing experience – how can you help me or the community in return?

I’d like to recommend two books I’ve been reading lately – Give and Take, and 29 Gifts. In order to find happiness and abundance, you need to give back and practice gratitude.

I operate on mutual respect. I practice Cowboy Ethics. So if you contact me out of the blue, please take a moment to offer a greeting and tell me a little about yourself.

Thank you!

The Invisible Orientation

By Kendra Holliday | September 14, 2014 at 9:04 am

invisible orientation

The Invisible Orientation

I know it’s going to sound crazy, but there are people out there who aren’t horny all the time.

I recently read this fascinating book called Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies. The author polled thousands of people, and was surprised to learn that 10% of his sample group reported no sexual fantasies. He was skeptical, wondering if they were in denial or had super repressed fantasies.

Maybe they really don’t fantasize about sex. Maybe they aren’t interested in it. Maybe sex isn’t a priority for them.

Which leads me to THIS book – The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality.

I’ll admit it – I used to think asexuality was not real. I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept – sex is a huge part of my life, so how could it be insignificant to someone else?

Then, when I finally acknowledged it was real, I was of the mindset that it was odd or the person was defective, and hopefully they would eventually outgrow the notion and get with the program – sex is the most important thing in the world.

Boy, was I ignorant!

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Back from Germany!

By Kendra Holliday | September 10, 2014 at 12:38 pm

Whenever I think of Germany, I think of GGG. Not Dan Savage’s GGG

but THIS GGG – German Goo Girls. Extreme bukkake cum dumpster porn.

I’m also reminded of Vernonica Moser, the legendary German scat porn star.

I went to Germany last week, and I saw none of that. I saw, tame, idyllic Germany. Like this:

Rapunzel's Castle

Rapunzel’s Castle

I stayed near Rapunzel’s Castle, one of the castles the Grimm Brothers turned into a fairy tale. I also saw Sleeping Beauty castle, but that was boring – no wonder she fell asleep there!

Lots of beautiful scenery:

Lovely German countryside

Lovely German countryside

Even special European rainbows! (“Rainbow” in German is “Regenbogen,” by the way)

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Hey Jealousy

By Kendra Holliday | September 2, 2014 at 7:44 am

Adam & Eve gave in to temptation and pleasure - so should you!

Adam & Eve gave in to temptation and pleasure – so should you!

HEY! Are you non-monogamous by nature, but feel freaked out when your partner wants to exercise their right to be non-monogamous, too? Have no fear – I have some advice for you!

Let’s use this woman as an example:

“Dear Kendra, I have a problem, I’m a 36 year old (mostly straight, but love to eat pussy) lady in an open relationship with a 42 year old straight man. We’ve been together for about a year and have been open the whole time. We’ve mostly been doing swinging, but we also play separately. We both had experience in the lifestyle before we met and wanted to continue together. The problem is I can’t seem to get over my jealousy when he plays on his own with other girls, and not always, just the girls I know he really likes.

He is really wonderful and we have a great, communicative and respectful relationship and are both totally honest with each other about everything. I feel terrible because there’s a huge double standard going on, in that I often play alone with other guys, he loves me being slutty and I totally get off on the fact that I’m being slutty and he’s loving it. I love him all the more for giving me my freedom and independence and respect him for being strong enough that me with other men isn’t threatening to him.

Also, I fully realize that when I’m out with other guys I cannot wait to get home to him and have him fuck me like crazy and it only makes me want him more. However, this is where the problem comes in. I just can’t make the connection with my brain and my ego when the tables are turned, I feel scared, and threatened, and jealousy, and anxious and I don’t know what to do to get past it.

I’ve read Sex at Dawn, Mating in Captivity, Opening Up, I listen to Dan Savage, Tristan Taormino, and a bunch of other swinger podcasts, as well as read your blog and am a long time reader of Jade’s blog as well. Since it’s been a year, it’s getting to the point where he’s becoming frustrated that it’s taking me all this time to figure this stuff out, and I don’t want him to feel restricted. I need someone to help me through this and I can’t talk to my vanilla friend’s about it and I also don’t want to talk to my swinger friends about it because there are very few of us that play separately so they don’t really understand either.

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Cucumber Yoni Cleanse

By Kendra Holliday | August 31, 2014 at 2:43 pm

DIY cucumber dildo!

DIY cucumber dildo!

First, the grapefruit. Now, the cucumber…

What do you think a vagina smells and tastes like? Bittersweet? Sour? Pungent? Musky? Earthy? Oysters?

Mine smells and tastes different all the time. I’ve heard a vagina compared to a tidal pool, which sounds about right. It’s a woman’s own little eco-system and pleasure cove.

I posted about how to keep your vagina tasty and date-ready here.

I learned about cucumber yoni cleanse on this secret sacred yoni egg goddess group I belong to on fb.

Here is a page about it. An excerpt from the Eco-Goddess Temple:

“The New Whole Foods Encyclopedia, by Rebecca Wood, confirms that cucumbers are considered nurturing to the bladder, spleen, large intestines and lungs. It is a cold food that treats hot conditions and helps resolve toxins. A cucumber contains more than 90 percent water. Cucumbers are a food that tends to restore normal health because of its ability to cleanse and purify the blood and gradually alter the excretory process to restore normal body functions. Cucumbers contain a digestive enzyme, erepsin, that breaks down protein, cleanses the intestines and helps expel intestinal parasites.”

The other night I tried it, and it was better than I imagined!

I thought it would be goofy and awkward, but it turned into a sexy little loving date with myself.

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A Pain in the Ass

By Kendra Holliday | August 28, 2014 at 7:05 am

Give your ass some TLC!

Give your ass some TLC!

The other day, I posted the following on fb and twitter:

You know that move in porn where the guy grabs a woman by her ass cheeks, and spreads them apart as wide as he can? Yeah, don’t do that.

I had someone do that to me recently, and it gave me a slight tear and hurt!

But then, I got mixed comments from it – turns out some women LOVE that move, and some women HATE it. Just goes to show you, communicating with your lover is key!

In addition, the post prompted a woman to send me the following unusual message:

“Dear Kendra,

Almost every time my husband and I have sex, I end up with the dreaded, painful, “butt crack split” I don’t know how else to describe it. It would normally happen if a guy ripped your ass cheeks apart during doggie, but I get it all the time!! With no butt cheek pulling!! HELP! It is painfully inconvenient! I put A&D on it, bag balm, anything I can think of, but it still happens. I love sex and can’t get enough of my husband, but this is getting ridiculous!! It hurts!! thank you in advance for any tips you can lend me! Is this common?”

I have to admit, I had never heard of anything like this before, but I’ll bet it’s common enough, and people are just too embarrassed to mention it!

I replied to her:

How long has this been going on? What positions do you try? Where do you have sex? Bedding? Do you have sensitive skin in other places? Is it the lube you’re using? How often do you have sex? Have you had past perineum trauma from childbirth or anything? Do you get hemorrhoids? There has to be some solution to stop this from happening.

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What’s With Picky Orgasms?

By Kendra Holliday | August 27, 2014 at 5:00 am

Dear Kendra,

I’m 18, in college, and Female-to-Male transgendered. I have had three male sexual partners in the last eight months or so. Of the three, TWO have claimed that a handjob or blowjob WILL NOT DO, and absolutely NOTHING but penetration will get them off, and in the case of one of the guys, even that wasn’t enough, and he had to turn to his own hand.

However, on your site and elsewhere, I see tales of guys that can get off with ease using various methods beyond penetration.

So what gives? These guys are 20 and 21, respectively, shouldn’t they be rarin’ to go? What on earth is going on that penetration is the only thing that seems to get them off?

My reply:

It’s unusual that you ran into two men in a row who require penetration to get off. I think it’s a fluke. They probably both used penetration in their early masturbation routine and have become dependent on that way.

I’ve been with a couple guys recently who needed to take over and finish with their own hand. It didn’t bother me, as one was new and the other often finishes that way, but can just as easily get off other ways.

I think everyone should experiment solo and with partners to expand their menu if possible, but hey, at least they know what works! I have a few girlfriends who can ONLY get off via clit stimulation with a vibrator. Some of their partners are bothered by that, but they aren’t, and that’s what matters. They know their body and what they like.

What about you all – can you only get off one way? Can you only get off solo but not with a partner? Does it bother you if your partner can only get off one way? Do you think it’s important to train yourself to get off in many different ways? Have you ever been surprised at an atypical orgasm? Do you find a difference in how you respond when engaging in casual sex vs long-term partner sex?

What’s your favorite way to get off? Mine is lying back, relaxing, and having my pussy worshiped with an experienced tongue.

PS: Have you seen those videos where a woman gets off using a door? Never would’ve thought of that!

The #1 Way to Please Your Man: How to Give an Extraordinary Blowjob

By Kendra Holliday | August 26, 2014 at 5:15 am

I blow, therefore I am Goddess.

Oral sex is the #1 way to send your man into ecstasy. It feels incredible and few men can resist the opportunity for their cock to be worshipped and loved. Best of all, his deep gratitude is bound to pay off considerably later on when he eagerly returns the favor. Here is a breakdown on how to give a great blowjob, TBK style.

Great conversation topic

Before you put your mouth to good use, ask him what he likes so you know what to lay on thick and what to avoid. Does he like his balls licked? Teeth? Lots of suction? Strong head stimulation? Slow or fast? You can have this conversation over dinner or while sitting on the couch watching TV, but be prepared to stop what you are doing so you can practice. OR employ tech foreplay and do it over IM or text during the day so you can prime his pump for when you see each other that evening.

Tease him

Take the tease trail. For example, start by kissing your most fortunate test subject, then slowly head south, kissing and licking his nipples, chest, belly, thighs, balls, shaft, then finally make your way to his cock head.

Once you’re there, open your damn mouth. I keep hearing from both men and women about these women with small mouths who can’t get the job done. Despite what you might think, my mouth isn’t that big, and I can stuff something substantial in it. Though I can’t fit a soda can in it like I saw one woman do. That’s impressive. If you have TMJ/jaw issues, do the best you can and supplement with edible lube/hands.

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