By Kendra Holliday | August 23, 2017
The other day I tweeted about how I loved a good mindfuck, and a few people asked me what I meant.
A mindfuck can mean many things. It can be finding out the 22 year old Swedish woman you’ve been having cybersex with is actually a 43 year old man from Alabama.
It can be finding out the knife blade your Dominant is running up and down your back as you’re strapped facedown is actually a wooden skewer.
But my favorite kind of mindfuck is one that really challenges me and pushes my limits. When I engage in BDSM activities, I’m more interested in the mental aspects than the physical. I’m not a masochist. I’m a sensualist. I use BDSM play to safely act out the things we’re not supposed to do in society.
We’re not supposed to hit people.
We’re not supposed to pee on people.
We’re not supposed to use people.
We’re not supposed to say hurtful things to people.
But all those primal id desires lurk under the surface. You can repress them, feel guilty about them, or you can use healthy outlets to exercise them. Some people work out, play video games, or leave rude comments anonymously on websites.
I prefer to “work the kinks out” in the bedroom.
Every once in a while, I like being treated like a worthless piece of shit, but it has to be on my own terms, and with someone I trust.
My loving partner is capable of flipping a switch and assuming the role of a hateful motherfucker. This man, who deeply respects me, can unleash some intense wrath on me that leaves me quaking in my boots. I love the moment when his eyes go cold and I feel genuine fear. It’s like riding a roller coaster – terribly exhilarating.
He’ll piss on me, drag me by my hair, use my holes, and tower over me and utter the most unspeakable things – things about my body, things about my past, things about my father and mother – all the things I feel most vulnerable about.
Why do I enjoy this? Because it’s a way of facing my fears. It makes me stronger. It challenges the truth. It penetrates me deeply. It’s incredibly personal and intimate – you can’t do that with just anyone.
I can use my safeword if it gets too intense, and after the scene he administers aftercare, babying me for hours. I love how he can be so fierce one moment and tender the next. I’m in awe of his emotional scope. The resolution is so satisfying – you don’t get that kind of closure in real life. The roleplaying heals old wounds – much better than putting a band-aid on them.
I suppose you need high self-esteem in order to successfully pull off this sort of edgeplay. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it in my 20’s, no way, I was too insecure and soft.
I wasn’t ready to face my fears. I wanted to avoid them. Not anymore.
I’m proud of my personal growth and empowerment.
What about you – what’s your idea of a mindfuck? Do you address your deepest fears?