By Kendra Holliday | December 15, 2016
The other day, I had a session with a 30 yr old man who has never been intimate with another person. He was a blank slate – didn’t even have kissing experience.
A few hours before we met, I posed a question to my network:
What would you teach a sexually inexperienced person?
The responses were so excellent, I had to share!
Self-pleasure – knowing what feels good to you is helpful before engaging others.
Sex can be sacred or profane. Sex can be spiritual or playful.
Sex is adult playtime. If something embarrassing happens, laugh it off.
The best sex is messy. That’s why we have showers!
Practice good hygiene and health. Learn how to use condoms. Pee and wash up after sex.
COMMUNICATION. Communication with your partner is critical. Always check in with your partner, ask for feedback. LISTEN to your partner.
The importance of CONSENT.
The importance of connection. Really get to know your partner, it tends to take the pressure off.
Be open to giving and receiving. In a healthy relationship, your partner is a reflection of you. So give, and you shall receive.
Go with the flow.
Take your time – there’s no rush.
Sex is natural and beautiful.
How to kiss. Paying attention to what the person you are with is feeling/enjoying. Everyone is different so you need to act and react differently to each.
The concept of mentally stimulating someone long before you touch them.
Focus on sensation. Focus on the moment. BREATHE. Let every action be new and uninformed by anything you’ve heard or read.
Sex in real life is different than it is in porn. Porn actors are models and athletes and often portray exaggerated ideals. Porn is more entertaining than educational.
The power of different kinds of touch. Contact with skin is a wondrous thing.
Wide strokes to smaller strokes. For skin to skin contact, kissing, touching, etc.
The notion that sex and our bodies are natural and normal and to enjoy the moment. Ditch as much guilt and shame as you can.
Be accepting of your body. Focus more on the positives.
Push through the anxiety, self doubt and find the courage to make fantasy a reality.
Be aware of speed and intensity when action begins. Don’t start immediately fast when it comes to kissing, oral, intercourse, etc.
Don’t get stuck in a rut or know just one move. Experiment!
Sensuality. For instance, when lying with a partner having pillow talk, caress your partner in long, slow strokes, don’t frantically or absentmindedly move your hands over their body like a paintbrush.
Notice how general the advice was – there’s no mention of having a big dick, being hard for 45 minutes straight, multiple orgasms, or having the perfect body.
What if we approached sex as goal-free, and focused more on pleasure, sensation, and connection?
The wildly popular Laci Green, who offers sex ed for the internet and has almost 1.5 million subscribers on YouTube, states:
listening to peoples sex woes for 10 years on youtube…90% of it is communication. we don’t learn how to feel, to communicate, to listen.
— Laci Green (@gogreen18) December 6, 2016
And here’s the thing – the advice above applies to EVERYONE, not just the inexperienced. So even if you’re been fucking away the past 30 years, take time to soak this list up and consider hitting the reset button!
Oh, and as far as my virgin encounter went, he arrived SO nervous – he didn’t know how he would perform, he was afraid of the unknown or making a mistake. My patient methods helped put him at ease, and we covered uncharted territory with much success and happiness! We practiced kissing, pressures of touch, body-positivity, and more. It was so rewarding watching him get comfortable, smile, and revel in the new sensations!
When I sent him a thank you note, he replied:
“I am the one who should be thanking you. I could not have asked for a better first experience or a better person to teach me. It was beautiful. The memory of sitting there, holding each other, kissing has been all that I’ve thought about today. It was as close to a perfect moment as I’ve ever experienced. I felt all that nervousness and the fear go away. I feel so much better about my body and my ability to do things in this area. I feel happier and more confident than I have in a long time. I don’t even know how to properly describe the difference it makes to me. I’m not normally the sort of person who believes in magic but that’s almost what it feels like. Thank you again for an afternoon that I will always remember.”