Black Lives Matter

By Kendra Holliday | September 21, 2016

David Wraith and me

David Wraith and me

BLACK LIVES MATTER.

#BlackLivesMatter

I am serious.

We love to fetishize and FEAR black men, women, and transgender people.

Escorts, bulls, trannys, hookers, hos, bitches, pimps, thugs, drug dealers, robbers, rapists… we subconsciously and consciously wallow in projection…. painting our dark dreams… casting shadows. So much guilt and shame surrounding racism.

And often guilt and shame and forbidden thoughts give us that taboo thrill we need to get off.

We need to channel that powerful energy to something positive.

SEX not DEATH.

PLEASURE not PAIN.

Our country is deep in the throes of non-consensual power exchange. Consensual power exchange is the core of BDSM, which can be a healthy outlet for acting out fears and healing. Non-consensual power exchange is ASSAULT and ABUSE, which can be deadly.

Please do your part to end needless suffering.

I really don’t know how to reconcile all this grief and death and turmoil.

2016 has been a real test of strength.

I know I’m accomplishing great things with my work, passion and Sex Positive St Louis. I know I am a great parent teaching my daughter to be compassionate; she is an empath by nature.

I know this in my heart.

But it’s still hard.

A beloved member of our sex-positive community died yesterday. He was diagnosed with cancer this summer, and died two months later. He was my age. I’ll never forget the first time he attended a clothing optional event – it was Fleshtivus, our naked holiday party. He was walking around, dreadlocks bobbing, wearing nothing but festive garland, swinging his big dick, so tall and proud. Verrry cocky, I must say. 🙂 He was a show-er, not a grow-er.

As a musician and entertainer, these are two songs he wants to be remembered by:

He did not get to leave this earth on his own terms. Many of us don’t. He was gunned down by cancer. Some of us are gunned down by police officers, cars, or our kin.

You never know how much time you have left, so please make the best of it. Have as many orgasms as you want. Do a good deed every day. Connect with other people.

Replace the fear with love.

I love these men dearly. They are David, my brother from another mother, and Nick, my friend and lover, and two of the five leaders of SEX+STL. Together, we are making the world a better place.

Kendra, David, Nick - 3 leaders of SEX+STL at our most recent happy hour

Kendra, David, Nick – 3 leaders of SEX+STL at our most recent happy hour

Just yesterday, Nick was featured in the community photo project Humans of St Louis. This is his story:

When I was in grade school, I used to go to summer camp in the middle of Missouri. One night, I was hanging out with an older friend of mine after we had dinner. We were in the back room watching TV, and I remember, the carpet had lots of holes and cuts all over it.

While we were watching this movie, we started kicking up holes and destroying it even more. While we were doing this, our feet became intertwined. I remember, because he was a few years older than me, about 15 or 16, and I remember how big his feet were compared to mine.

As my foot was was sitting on top of his, I began to relax my foot.

And all of a sudden, BOOM! He hit me in my chest so fast, I didn’t know whether to yell, cry, or pick up a heavy object and toss it at him. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t remember all he said, but I remember he called me a not-so-nice word that starts with ‘F’ and rhymes with ‘maggot.’ That was a scary situation for me, and I held onto it for a long time.

Fast forward to 2008, I’m in college in Washington, D.C. with a group of friends of mine. And I got into an argument with one of them. We always made fun of each other and teased each other.

But for some reason, this argument was different. I felt a rage come up inside of me. I began to say some really nasty things to my friend. I began to make fun of some of his feminine mannerisms. It got really really bad. To the point where he walked out of the room crying.

As I reflected on this situation, it turned out my outburst wasn’t from anger. It was fear. I was taunting this young man for being himself when, internally, I was yearning for the courage to do the same. And at an early age I learned that in order to be a man I had to present myself and behave in a certain manner or there will be consequences.

In late 2014, I was wrapping up a date with my current partner. We had just started dating. We were headed back home and got to the point in the relationship where we were comfortable enough to have that conversation. You know, the one where you get a summary of that person’s sexual history, figure out what they like and what they don’t like.

I already knew that she was bi, so she told me her story and about her experiences.

When it was my turn to talk, I was definitely nervous to share my experiences because I was used to hiding them. I kind of grazed over the fact that I was attracted to men and had experiences. I just continued on with the story. When we finally pulled up to the apartment, she said, ‘So, tell me what’s your experience with guys?’ For some reason, I felt comfortable. It felt okay.

And after sharing those things, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

She said, ‘Wow. I never knew you were bi. That’s awesome.’

After confronting insecurities I had dealt with my entire life, someone still found a way to recognize my humanity. There are people who can see beyond my sexuality and acknowledge the endless layers that complete my identity as a human being.

I had to hurry up and get out of the car so she wouldn’t see me crying.

You can see Nick speak this Saturday at 2pm at Rustin’s Place, a drop-in center in St Louis where community members, ages 13+, can have a safe space to be themselves.

This excerpt from a book on spiritual enlightenment I’m reading is timely. From The Power of Now:

In ordinary unconsciousness, habitual resistance or denial to what is creates the unease and discontent that most people accept as normal living. When this resistance becomes intensified through some challenge or threat to the ego, it bring up intense negativity such as anger, acute fear, aggression, depression, and so on.

Deep unconsciousness often means that the pain-body has been triggered and that you have become identified with it. Physical violence would be impossible without deep unconsciousness. It can also occur easy whenever and wherever a crowd of people or even an entire nation generates a negative collective energy field.

The best indicator of your level of consciousness is how you deal with life’s challenges when they come. Through these challenges, an already unconscious person tends to become more deeply unconscious, and a conscious person becomes more conscious. You can use a challenge to awaken you, or you can allow it to pull you into even deeper sleep. The dream of ordinary unconsciousness then turns into a nightmare.

If you cannot be present even in normal circumstances, such as when you are sitting alone in a room, walking in the woods, or listening to someone, then you certainly won’t be able to stay conscious when something “goes wrong” or you are faced with difficult people or situations, with loss or threat of loss. You will be taken over by reaction, which ultimately is always some form of fear, and pulled into deep unconsciousness. Those challenges are your tests.

Do the work that needs to be done in order to face these challenges. Be a conscious person. Be an asset, not a liability.

PS: You can get Black Lives Matter signs at MoKaBe’s coffeehouse on Grand.

 

 

Comments

James 2016-09-25 00:30:59

My condolences for the loss of your friend, Kendra. Sincere, heartfelt condolences. Cancer is a hard way to go, but at least you have fond memories of him. I’ll pray for your friend and for those suffering his loss.

As for BLM…if the black community wants us to take it seriously, then they need to stop acting like animals. Burning things down when they get upset–which is all the time–merely reinforces stereotypes and racism. If they want to surprise white people and get us to take note, perhaps they ought to use their logic to make a point, rather than violence and matches. That would be a nice change of pace, I think. After all, when *haven’t* blacks been prone to mindless violence? I certainly can’t remember a time.

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2016-09-26 10:01:29

    Thank you.

    I’m sorry you don’t personally know any good people in the black community. It sounds like your perception of the black community is what the media portrays, and not from personal experience.

    Reply

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