By Kendra Holliday | September 13, 2016
Dear Kendra, I don’t know about you, but I know a lot of creepy men. What makes a man creepy? Can creepy men be cured? Or, once a creep, always a creep? Have you ever met a creepy woman?
All right, readers, I want feedback from YOU – tell me about an encounter you had with a creepy guy. What made it creepy? What are the qualities of a creep? Can creeps be cured?
Here is what I have to say on the subject – I hope reader input will help shape my understanding of this unfortunate issue.
Being in the sex industry, I’ve met A LOT of creeps. Here is an example:
A few years ago, a man contacted me through this website. He wrote me a couple emails, then met me at an event I advertised – I was part of a sex fair that was open to the public. He seemed nice enough, and asked to meet me for coffee.
I said sure, so we met for coffee. At coffee, he asked me tons of questions and got this weird look in his eyes. He got excited from all the things I was sharing with him. He walked me to my car and asked if he could get in with me so he could ask me a question.
A huge red flag went up, but I said sure, BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT. (Since then, I have tightened my security and have read The Gift of Fear, and consider it required reading for every woman.)
We sat in the car and he turned to me. “Can I kiss you?”
Disgusted and horrified, I sputtered no. I had NO interest in this guy. He was creepy. What made him think I wanted to make out with him? (Answer: I gave him the time of day. Other things that lead men to think you are interested in them: Eye contact. Smiling. Laughing at their jokes. Being polite. Being female.) At least he didn’t lunge at me.
He whined a bit, then took his leave. I’m very lucky nothing bad happened. I appreciate that he asked and respected my reaction. NEVER put yourself in a closed space with someone you’re unsure of.
Later, he showed up for one of my TBK get togethers. He circled the party, stared, and kept to himself. His behavior made me uncomfortable.
After that, he emailed me two or three times asking when I was going to have another get together.
I’ll tell you when: NEVER. Or if I do, it will be invite only.
It wasn’t just him that put a damper on the party for me – there were two other creepy guys there who drank too much and crossed some lines.
OK, so what made this particular guy creepy?
1. He had awkward social skills. He wasn’t warm or personable. He came off as cold. He had a bad vibe.
2. HE BROUGHT NOTHING TO THE TABLE. As I sat there and regaled him with interesting stories and advice, I realized I was providing all the entertainment, and that I was basically wasting my time. When I interact with someone, I want there to be give and take. Or, even better, give and give.
3. He was predatory. He watched me like a hawk, staring constantly, circling the party like a wolf. It’s important to be assertive and go after what you want, but don’t treat the person like a walking steak.
4. He had a mustache. Some women love mustaches, but I’m not one of them.
Other things that make a man creepy:
– Being manipulative. Trying to guilt a woman into doing something, trying to wheedle something out of her.
– Being selfish. A creepy man’s goal is to score, and if he keeps hitting on a woman even though she’s not giving him signals that she’s into it, that’s fucked up.
– Being eager. As American Mistress Bardot Smith would say, don’t be “a beggar with your dick out.” Think beyond your dick. Don’t send unsolicited cock shots. Don’t post pictures of your dick on your profile. Don’t choose “Mr Horny” as your Twitter handle.
Here are my big suggestions on how to not be creepy:
– Bring something to the table. Be good looking, intelligent, charming, sexy, thoughtful, attentive, and if you are lacking enough of those characteristics, then at least be rich.
– Make a woman WANT you. Leave her wanting more. So many men’s main goal is to get their dick in a hole. It’s so refreshing when a man plays the game differently – I’m always shocked when a man doesn’t try to fuck me right away. It’s happened a couple times. Being patient and in control is very sexy. Eager and pushy is not.
– Be respectful. Don’t stare rudely. Don’t be crude with a woman you just met. I’ve seen Matthew say to a girlfriend of ours at a bar: “So you want to take my load, huh?” If some other guy were to use a line like that, it would be nasty and inappropriate. But Matthew has already paved the way for it to be hot and welcoming, because he has established that the woman is totally into him through conversations, building rapport, body language, and being attentive to what turns her on. This is why he gives lessons on confidence and how to please women and be successful in the dating game. SO MANY MEN DON’T HAVE A CLUE.
– Respect personal space and boundaries. Don’t touch someone without asking. I met a man for the first time the other day, and right off the bat he touched my hip and called me “sweetie.” He might have thought that was charming behavior, but I found it repulsive.
– A lot of men crave female energy. Don’t be an energy vampire. I recommend David Deida’s book, The Way of the Superior Man. In Chapter 23, he says:
The next time you come upon a woman who sends a thrill through your body, relax into the thrill. Let her waves of feminine energy move through your body like a deep massage. Breathe fully, without resisting the joy her sighting affords you. Breathe the joy all through your body. Don’t stare at her, don’t even interact with her. But when you see her, and you experience your attraction, fully allow the energy of attraction to move freely through your body. Learn to magnify and sustain your desire, so your whole body and breath open and deepen by its force. As you behold her, receive her vision as a blessing.
For example, one of my friends is a married college professor, and he interacts with gorgeous young women all the time. Of course he is tempted to touch them and fuck them, but instead of pursuing them and having reckless affairs, he maturely and respectfully basks in their female energy in private. Check yourself before you wreck other people.
I hope this provides a few clues on how to interact with others. So often a guy is creepy and then we avoid them, which isn’t constructive.
I didn’t even get to the question, “Do you know any creepy women?” Do you? I know a handful – they don’t respect other’s personal space. Women who repel instead of attract are a curious breed. Again, the issue seems to be with making other people feel uncomfortable, which can be complicated.