By Kendra Holliday | February 11, 2018
Category Archives: Health
My friend Joan Price is an ageless sexuality educator, and she has a free webinar on safer sex for seniors. Here it is – I queued it up to my favorite part. Please watch it for 20 seconds, then feel free to watch all of it. 🙂
By Kendra Holliday | August 13, 2017
My friend Steffy tipped me off to a Women’s Clinic that worked for her. They really care about their clients, and they don’t jack up the prices like some of the clinics do.
Still, I had to pay out of pocket because they were out-of-network with my lackluster health insurance. Each visit cost about $150.
They suggested I do a spit test for hormone levels, as that is more accurate than blood. So I did that, and they provided me with a very detailed report. I was impressed with how thorough and efficient they were.
It turns out that not only was a little high on testosterone, but I was also high on stress hormones (duh) and very low on progesterone and estrogen. So they prescribed a plant based hormone cream specifically designed for me, to be applied at bedtime. I replaced the Paxil with this hormone elixir. It cost about $115 (not covered by insurance of course).
I felt immediate relief!
And I got my orgasms back after three days or so off Paxil. It was weak and like watery waves, but I wept with joy all the same!
SO GLAD TO HAVE MY ORGASMS BACK.
And more energy! I felt motivated and positive. I was getting shit done! Woo hoo!
The hormones help A LOT, but they don’t erase the symptoms altogether. They certainly make them more manageable.
In addition to the whoremones, here is what else I keep in my menopause survival kit (keep in mind this is what works for ME – every person is different. It’s important to experiment and find what works for you.)
- a spray bottle of water in fridge to spritz on myself for immediate relief
- ice packs
- all those heat pads I used to put on my tummy for menstrual cramps – now I was freezing them and putting them on my neck!
- glass dildo in fridge for quick core cool down 😉
- FIJI water – mmm, electrolytes
- Whenever possible, I get 10,000 steps in each day. I take a dawn walk, a day walk, and a dusk walk. Helps me keep in touch with nature/trees/sun/flowers…
- T-Balance Plus thyroid supplements – helps with night sweats
- Cheryl’s Herbs
I’m so glad I figured this all out through lots of research and trial and error. Before I had this kit, I was non-functional – sobbing, lying on the couch, useless. Four psychotic episodes. There are entire weeks during the months of June and July I can’t remember – pics on my phone I don’t recall taking. That’s some scary shit!
I’m so glad I’m feeling better.
I’m pretending this stage of my life is about being reborn as a witch. It feels magical and other worldly – a painful and beautiful process. I’m sure there will be ups and downs, but I’m fortunate to have a strong support system in place. My family and friends have been so compassionate and understanding.
And it’s providing me with much wisdom and perspective so that I can continue helping others who are struggling with life’s curve balls.
And you know what else? It’s kind of awesome living in a man’s world with a man’s thermostat. It’s nice not having to bundle up every time I go to the grocery store or a movie theater!
By Kendra Holliday | August 13, 2017
Throughout this whole six month ordeal, my sex drive remained strong. In fact, it was even stronger! Instead of drying up, I was firing up.
I had more male energy. I felt juicy and sizzling like a steak on a grill. My friend Joan Price maintains that if you have a healthy libido before menopause, you will likely retain it after you go through the life change.
Needless to say, my sexuality is vitally important to me. So it sucked to start taking Paxil. I knew what was coming, and it wasn’t going to be me!
Many medications, especially anti-depressants, affect desire and orgasm.
The first day I started taking it, I vibed it out and came just fine.
The second day, I could cum.
The third day, it was an effort, and the orgasm was not the best.
The fourth day, my orgasms ghosted.
They were gone.
Still, I kept up with pleasuring myself daily. I tried to enjoy the sensations without the satisfying climax.
I was able to get off with partners, but it was different. It was coming from a different place – like my breath, instead of my clit.
I tried different methods of self-pleasure, but nothing worked that well. (Check out fellow sex blogger Crista Anne’s #OrgasmQuest chronicles!)
Oddly, my fantasy Rolodex no longer worked for me! Usually, I flip through the rich and perverse fantasy catalog in my brain until something grabs me by the clit and does the trick for me. Now, all of my favorite scenarios were as dull as dirt. Uncle seducing niece at a family pool party? Yawn. A sexy couple teaching a curious girl about sex? Ho hum.
I promised myself I would take Paxil for at least a month to give it time, but I broke that promise. After three weeks of taking it, I tapered off and replaced it with something that was a MUCH better fit for me…
By Kendra Holliday | August 13, 2017
At my yearly physical last June, I talked to my doctor about my drinking problem.
He didn’t offer me much help. He’s a good man, but the system has his hands tied.
This year, I came to him with an even BIGGER problem – my menopause madness. I was at death’s door, but still raging.
I begged for blood work, and told him I was in a desperate situation. Of course the office air conditioning wasn’t working. I was SO hot and bothered.
He automatically prescribed Paxil, which has been studied with menopause symptoms.
I knew it would fuck with my sex drive/orgasms, but I just almost died, so I figured it was worth a shot. Better to find a stopgap while I searched for relief.
After the doctor appointment, I loaded up on ice and cold drinks, and went to Tower Grove Park. I communed with my tree friends. Being under a tree is like church for me.
I like how trees have roots that run deep, and they also have branches that reach to the sky. Which brings me to birds. I have an affinity to birds, as well. And butterflies.
If you visit my house, you can see this for yourself – my house is full of plants, birds, and butterfly imagery. It is definitely a fairy cottage.
This is why I hate hospitals so much – I dropped out of nursing school because I realized that even though I wanted to help people heal, I couldn’t work under fluorescent lights and with no windows to the outside world.
ANYWAY, I got my blood work back, and everything was normal enough. No diabetes, thyroid is fine, etc. My testosterone was a little higher than normal, but no big deal.
I continued to ice myself down, and made an appointment with a Women’s Clinic that specializes in hormone therapy. You have to be careful when it comes to choosing a clinic – some are really expensive and don’t care about you, but I heard good things about this one.
Meanwhile, I reluctantly started taking the Paxil. And then, of course this happened…
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017
I’d like to blame Trump for my alcoholism, but in all fairness, I’ve been dealing with it for the past couple years.
Menopause and the current social climate has made it much worse, so I’ve been trying to get it under control.
But goddamn it’s a STRUGGLE.
Like this woman.
I started going to therapy in February after my first breakdown, and to help me deal with my teen daughter and my aging parents. I take care of so many people – not just family, but clients. I love it so much, but it can get overwhelming.
It became clear that I was self-medicating with alcohol.
And menopause symptoms are very similar to alcoholic symptoms, or withdrawal symptoms, or other mental illness.
I’ve found myself addicted to alcohol, as well as social media/the internet. It makes me feel weak! I want to be STRONG!
At first I was deeply ashamed of being a lush, but I’ve had time to process and research it, and I’m fine talking about it.
I’m currently an active, high functioning alcoholic. The book Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp seems to capture my experience very well. (I was bummed to learn the author died at age 42 of lung cancer!) I love my work, I have great relationships and community, a fabulous daughter, a lovely little home. I’ve worked hard to overcome past trauma. My core beliefs include being open and honest – I have nothing to hide. I’m one of the freest people I know. I live a rich and beautiful life. My mantra is Replace the Fear with Love.
So what the fuck?? Why am I struggling like this? I read Chasing the Scream – I know the causes of addiction and why people self-medicate in order to deal with pain, neglect, and isolation.
I’ve been to three AA meetings, and they are great. I’ve been reading the Big Book.
I’ve also attended one Moderation Management meeting, which was great, too. They have a book on Responsible Drinking.
I’ve noticed the AA crowd seems to be more of the “rock bottom” type who use alcohol to avoid responsibility, whereas the MM folks are more perfectionists cracking under the pressure of doing ALL the things.
Of course, this is a gross generalization based on four experiences. I want to attend more of each.
I’m also keenly interested in the Sinclair Method, which utilizes therapy and a drug called Naltrexone. I’ve been begging health professionals for a prescription to this medication for the past two years, but no one will prescribe it to me. I have no idea if this would affect my sex life, but would like to find out.
I looked into out-patient treatment, but was quoted $10,000 WITH insurance.
I have a list of a few other resources I still need to dig into – Empower Psych Centers, Beat Addiction St Louis, Smart Recovery, Refuge Recovery, Harris House, White House Retreat, …. the list goes on, and is overwhelming. I have a hard time knowing where to start, so then I put it off until the next day.
I’m constantly justifying my drinking. I drink to celebrate, I love the ritual, I drink to cope and slow down. I drink almost every day, and it’s not good for my body.
So yeah, that’s another thing I’m dealing with right now.
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017
In February, I got blindsided by a mental breakdown.
In June, I almost killed myself.
What happened between Feb and June?
The meltdown in February made me think I was going insane. My mom has a long history of severe mental illness, and my daughter struggles with it, too, so I figured it was finally my time to succumb to it.
But why was it happening? What changed in my brain to set off this explosion of uncontrollable behavior?
I started keeping track of my severe symptoms.
I noticed it happened about once a month. Feb was acute. March was intense. April was mild. May was madness. June was the worst.
About once a month, I would freak the fuck out. I would explode like a volcano. I raged. I paced. I begged. I screamed. I spoke in tongues. It felt like going into labor.
I remember when my water broke with my daughter 17 years ago, I felt the same feeling of fight or flight. The birthing process was water rage – this was fire rage.
I saw stars. My psyche cracked open. I sobbed. The pain and beauty was too much.
All my life, I’ve been cold. I hated ice water, air conditioning. I’d bring sweaters or blankets to grocery stores, movie theaters, offices.
Now, I was SO FUCKING HOT. I was guzzling ice water. I was a wild animal.
The heat would boil up in my chest and erupt out of my crown.
My entire body felt electrified, throbbing, pulsing, crackling.
I had four psychotic episodes leading up to my planned suicide. I needed to get away from this. I needed it to end.
through the fog and confusion, I realized I was dealing with hormones.
Like most people, I had an intense puberty experience as a teenager. Pregnancy was a big fucking deal. And now I was entering menopause, which is like puberty all over again, but turned inside out.
HORMONES ARE REAL.
Now to be clear, my experience is unusual. Some people have no issues, some have a few hot flashes and irritability.
Due to my hysterectomy, sensitivity, and genetic makeup, I was experiencing severe symptoms.
Similar to this woman.
Mood swings, suicidal thoughts, irritability, insomnia, depression, anxiety, fatigue, bloating, weight gain, hot flashes that last for days, night sweats, chest pains and palpitations, brain fog… GRIEF.
The day after my near death experience, I went right to my doctor and DEMANDED bloodwork.
I wanted to know my hormone levels. I wanted to try medicine before death.
I couldn’t drive, so I had a friend take me. He also took me to the park, so I could lie under the trees.
In my mad state, all trees were beings to me, not objects. I felt connected to them. They pulsed and whispered to me.
Now I understand why women back in the day were treated for hysteria, or condemned as witches.
I could barely function.
That night, I hosted a whore hangout, and I had to lie on the floor for it. I begged a friend to bring a chilled bottle of champagne to pour over my naked body in the bathtub, which she did, much to my bright delight.
Which brings me to the next tricky piece of this puzzle…
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017
This SCARY thing started happening to me back in February, and I didn’t know what it was.
I WAS LOSING MY MIND.
My first episode occurred the same day I impulse bought a grandfather clock – how timely!
Have you ever impulse bought anything? This year, here are two things I impulse bought:
a grandfather clock, and a funny shaped sweet potato.
I like blaming my daughter for the goddamn limited edition Howard Miller heirloom clock. We stopped by a furniture store that was going out of business. I was looking for candles or something. I saw a wall of grandfather clocks and mentioned casually to my daughter, “My great uncle used to build grandfather clocks. I’ve always wanted one.”
That’s why I have one in my dollhouse, as well as a roll top desk. My grandfather had a roll top desk. I never imagined I would have either of those things in real life, any more than I can imagine myself owning an orange muscle car or 5 bedroom house for hosting orgies. They are too fancy and expensive.
My daughter marched right up to the salesperson and said, “Would you please help my mother? She wants to buy a clock.”
I sputtered in protest, but decided to find out the price. It was 50% off, so I went ahead and YOLO’ed and got it.
After I bought it, I felt the same anxiety I get after I book a ticket to Europe. WHAT HAVE I DONE? IT’S SUCH A COMMITMENT!
By Kendra Holliday | July 30, 2017
I’ve been blogging since 2006. At one point, I was posting 5-7 days a week. I was a blogging FIEND.
This current iteration of my blogging career features 575 posts. I consider it my vita. People see the topics I cover and how open and honest I am and feel compelled to reach out to me. They know they can tell me ANYTHING.
Blogging was my internship for what I do for a “loving” now – talking consultations, intimacy sessions, fantasy facilitation, play party hosting, and SO much more.
Back when I was a baby blogger, people would contact me and say, “You are SO fascinating. I’d like to meet you for coffee and pick your brain!”
At first, I was flattered. Who, me? I have no degree, I have no license. I have no letters – M.D., LSW, Ph.D. – after my name. I’m just a friendly neighborhood MILF slut who puts it out there.
I am YOU – without a filter. I am YOU – raw, and without fear.
So, I did it a few times – met with strangers and let them gush eagerly at me and ask tons of questions. It felt very one-sided, like I was cooking them an exotic dish and they were gobbling it up with relish and leaving fulfilled. Meanwhile, I left feeling drained.
Why should I go hang out with a stranger and help them on their journey and forsake time with my daughter, friends, family, and lovers?
So, I came up with a plan to thwart the intense – but super interesting! – invasion of my time and energy. The next time someone approached me, I returned with, “Sure, I can meet with you to discuss polyamory/fetishes/relationships/you name it. My rate is $60/hr.”
To my great surprise, they AGREED.
Wait, what? I’m not a licensed therapist. I’m not a certified life coach. I’m just a brave mom-next-door who’s in touch with her sexuality.
But, holy shit, it WORKED.
People were EAGER BEAVER to pay for my hands on experience, my alternative views, my judgement-free space, my wisdom, and most importantly – my female energy.
These are both me:
By Kendra Holliday | July 13, 2017
My friend offered to conduct an orgasm experiment with me!
He came over wearing a lab coat, carrying a clipboard and some measuring equipment.
We wanted to see how long it would take me to orgasm while he measured my heart rate and blood pressure every minute. We also audio recorded it.
He got me hooked up to the portable blood pressure monitor and sat by my bed, dutifully holding the clipboard and taking notes.
I stripped down and grabbed my new wireless Magic Wand.
“What are you going to fantasize about?” he asked.
“I think I’ll go with recalling some erotica I read earlier today about a virgin who gets impregnated on an island by a caveman, that was pretty hot.”
He nodded, then offered, “Here’s what I think you’d be into – imagine Matthew calls you up and is with another woman and is giving her an orgasm and wants you to listen.”
“OH that sounds good, too, I like it! And no doubt he’ll get off, too!”
With that, I was ready to rock. RIGHT as I was about to hit record, my next door neighbor fired up his motorcycle right outside my bedroom window! Arrghh!
My Doctor said, “We can wait a minute, he’ll leave soon.”
By Kendra Holliday | July 3, 2017
|The Purple Heart Medal is given to
soldiers wounded or killed.
What would a medal given to
women giving birth look like?
One time I pushed a 7 lb. baby out of my vagina.
Not only that, but I took the typical American route of childbirth and went to the hospital, got an epidural, laid on my back, had an episiotomy (a surgical incision in the perineum made to enlarge the vagina and assist childbirth), and had my baby vacuumed out of me. (One thing I didn’t experience was a C-section.) If all this sounds whack to you, I highly recommend you read Misconceptions by Naomi Wolf, and then watch The Business of Being Born and Orgasmic Birth.
Keep in mind that during my entire pregnancy, I read up on natural childbirth and walked into the hospital proudly carrying my birthing plan. But as soon as my water broke, I freaked out and cried and the birthing plan, with its birthing ball and breathing exercises, went out the window. Oh, how I wish I had a doula.
This was absolutely one of the hardest things I have done in my life. I have no idea how women do this more than once. It is one of the only times I have literally seen stars and fainted. The doctor stitched me up down there ala Frankenpussy.
After they took the urinary catheter out and my epidural wore off, I went to the bathroom. You know how you can stop and start the flow of urine? To my horror, the pee fell out of me. I had no control over it whatsoever. I wept. They gave me warm compresses to put on my traumatized pussy and told me not to have sex for six weeks.
Breastfeeding pretty much killed my sex drive, but we did have sex a month or two after I gave birth. And guess what? It hurt. The episiotomy scar was raw and intense. I kept waiting for my sex drive to return and for it to stop hurting during sex. Several times I thought I was broken forever, and that I’d never enjoy sex again like I did before. Dark times, people.
The whole point of this is to let all you new moms and dads know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not sure if childbirth has something to do with it or if it’s just me sexually evolving, but I’m more orgasmic and love fucking more than ever.
Just don’t get me pregnant, OK?
Women should receive an equivalent to the Purple Heart medal that is given to wounded soldiers, except it should be for celebrating creativity instead of honoring destruction.
And remember – the next time you call someone a pussy, you are saying they are tough, amazing, resilient, and STRONG.
By Kendra Holliday | January 25, 2017
This is a picture of me from the 3rd grade. Looking at it, it’s hard to believe I was molested – I mean, wouldn’t those ginormous nerd goggles be repellent enough, not to mention the shitty haircut and goofy fashion?
Then again, my opportunistic molester was pretty homely too, and wasn’t very picky. I daresay he had bad taste in children.
But this ugly child grew up to be a gorgeous goddess. Here are some steps I took in my maturity makeover:
Braces – My parents could only afford braces for one of their five kids, so they chose my sister. That means I made it to adulthood with one of my front teeth jutting out. In grade school, kids would come up to me all the time and inform me, “You have a crooked tooth.” LIKE I DIDN’T KNOW. I was self-conscious about smiling, so I scowled a lot.
Finally, when I was married and DINK (double income, no kids), I took the plunge and got Invisalign braces. I’M SO GLAD I DID IT. It was worth every penny (how many pennies are in $4000? oh never mind). Now I wear a retainer at night whenever I feel like it, which is about half the time. I’ve only broken it once. Flossing is so much easier.
Heart zapped – In 2000 I birthed my daughter vaginally – hooray! I didn’t want an epidural or a c-section, but I sure did freak out and request the epidural as soon as my labor pains kicked in for real.
My doctor took it upon herself to give me an episiotomy (a surgical cut in the muscular area between the vagina and the anus), which took a long time to heal. But further north, the pregnancy took other tolls on my body – my heart.
It had trouble keeping up with the extra blood flow and work involved with carrying another person around inside me for months, so it started to misfire. I developed SVT – Supraventricular tachycardia. My heart would sometimes race 300 beats a minute, which was inconvenient and scary. The solution was a procedure where they snake a laser up through your groin to your heart and zap the naughty part and kill it. So my heart has a scar.
The procedure cured my condition, but that zap also signaled the end of my marriage. I woke up from the procedure and everything changed in my life. My heart was fixed and broken, all at once.
By Kendra Holliday | December 2, 2016
Kyle took the train from Chicago.
All day he traveled, portable oxygen tank in tow.
He didn’t listen to podcasts or music. His mind was too occupied with thoughts of what was to come –
You see, Kyle was overcoming great obstacles in order to find answers and rediscover intimacy with another person through surrogate sessions with me. It had been seven years since he was last with a partner, and he was missing human touch terribly.
Why? Life took an unexpected turn from him.
I’m always fascinated by my client’s life stories, and his was especially interesting.
As a forensic anthropologist, Kyle traveled the world working on ancient civilizations and gravesites. He was fit, had a passport, and worked outdoors a lot, in all kinds of conditions. Destinations included South America, Australia. He was next scheduled for a project in Europe, and had his sights set on Asia.
Then one day, at a church in Mexico, disaster struck – literally. The team was digging in trenches, excavating an old sacred graveyard for relocation. Despite wearing a Hazmat suit and respirator, something went wrong when a 400 yr-old-bone was hit with a pickax. Bacteria exploded in the air, and invaded his lungs. He suffered serious pulmonary damage, and has been on oxygen 24/7 ever since.
A couple years after that, he was hit in the ass with colon cancer, and had to undergo risky surgery to remove 1/3 of his colon. The doctors warned him he might not survive the operation, due to his lung condition. They had to give him an epidural and twilight meds instead of general anesthesia!
Incredibly, he survived this double whammy.
Nowadays, Kyle is the same age as me (43) and lives with his parents on disability. He can no longer drive. He’s overweight and in poor health. His lifestyle went from adventurous globetrotting to being tethered to a tank in his bedroom, more or less homebound, living vicariously through the internet. He is an odd combination of extremely worldly and intelligent, and emotionally stunted and childlike.
We had our initial consult over Skype. I found out he’s quite kinky like me – into stockings, men and women, incest and rape fantasies, pegging… all that fun stuff! His sensitivity and shyness put me at ease, and we clicked.
By Kendra Holliday | November 3, 2016
Note: This article was originally published here.
Hey, fellas—when’s the last time you sported a boner? Have you ever noticed how annoying spontaneous erections are for teenage boys, and how annoying lack of erections are for older men?
In fact, if you look up “Reason for Erection” on the internet, besides getting some German band’s website, you’ll also find a lot of resources for unfortunate teenage boys plagued with erection problems: Erections during class. Erections at night. Erections for no reason at all. Boo-hoo, must be nice! I hope they remember that 40 years from now!
According to evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa, the only biological function of an erection is to allow men to have intercourse with women, with the end goal of making a baby. But hey, we’re human, and sometimes men want to use their dicks recreationally. It can be extremely frustrating when the little head doesn’t play nicely with the big head. Let’s face it – dicks can be unpredictable!
As a sex surrogate, I help out men with all kinds of issues. One of the more common complaints is ED—erectile dysfunction. There are two causes for ED—physical and mental.
By Kendra Holliday | October 16, 2016
Since I’ve been back from Tantra Training, I’ve practiced the Tantra Awakening Ritual with several of my friends and clients.
But get this – you can also perform the ritual solo!
To learn how, you can read Barbara Carrellas’s book Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-first Century.
It’s actually super easy to do, but it helps to be coached through it your first time. I read Barbara’s book thrice before I went to her workshop, and it was only there that I was able to “get it,” with her walking me through it.
Tantra is like the City Museum in St Louis or House on the Rock in Wisconsin, or many other exotic and unique places in the world – it’s hard to explain it, you just have to experience it for yourself. And you can experience it WHENEVER YOU WANT, FOR FREE.
Tantra is about energy, being present, and opening yourself up to a deeper level of consciousness.
Awakening is rousing, getting in touch with parts of yourself you have buried or ignored. This can be spiritual, mental, or physical. So often we feel disconnected from our bodies, we’re so in our head thinking and worrying so much. REPLACE THE FEAR WITH LOVE.
Rituals are tools that help us focus our attention.
The first time I did the solo ritual, I was in a roomful of people, which might sound like an oxymoron, but we weren’t interacting physically with each other. We all lay supine on the floor separately, and Barbara encouraged us to breathe deeply, go with the flow, and make noise if we wanted to. Having other people’s energy present made it more intense – I heard heavy breathing, crying out, moaning, sobbing… I myself felt great tingling and waves of emotions, and then cried cathartic tears afterward.
Naturally, I wanted to try it at home by myself. Ideally, I’d like to schedule this self-care weekly. You can knock it out in 30 minutes, or you can turn it into a more elaborate ritual.
For my first solo ritual at home, I chose a planets and elements theme.
By Kendra Holliday | August 14, 2016
The experience blew me away. I am a changed person.
I expected to soak up new energy in a new city, new ideas, new people, and learn about tantra. I’ve read a lot about it online, plus I read Barbara’s book Urban Tantra twice – yet I still didn’t have a proper grasp on it. I think tantra is like Burning Man – you have to immerse yourself in it in order to “get it.”
Well, I got all that and more – I met other sex workers, fetish models, dominatrix, tantrikas, and other specialists. I learned about marketing, BDSM, gender politics, and about other cultures.
That picture of Barbara on the right? That’s what the week was like – we were sparkling, ecstatic, and open-hearted.
My NYC escort for the week was my good friend Matthew Stillman, who was also attending the course. He’s like a brother to me – I was so lucky to spend the week with him – it was my first time to NYC and I was so intimidated! I couldn’t have been matched with a better soul – he’s lived in NYC his entire life and was an excellent guide.
We walked all over the place and took the subway!!! Columbia University, Central Park, Brooklyn Bridge… I reread A Tree Grows in Brooklyn on my trip, and found this slut-shaming passage still relevant, 70 years later: