By Kendra Holliday | January 25, 2017
Category Archives: Health
This is a picture of me from the 3rd grade. Looking at it, it’s hard to believe I was molested – I mean, wouldn’t those ginormous nerd goggles be repellent enough, not to mention the shitty haircut and goofy fashion?
Then again, my opportunistic molester was pretty homely too, and wasn’t very picky. I daresay he had bad taste in children.
But this ugly child grew up to be a gorgeous goddess. Here are some steps I took in my maturity makeover:
Braces – My parents could only afford braces for one of their five kids, so they chose my sister. That means I made it to adulthood with one of my front teeth jutting out. In grade school, kids would come up to me all the time and inform me, “You have a crooked tooth.” LIKE I DIDN’T KNOW. I was self-conscious about smiling, so I scowled a lot.
Finally, when I was married and DINK (double income, no kids), I took the plunge and got Invisalign braces. I’M SO GLAD I DID IT. It was worth every penny (how many pennies are in $4000? oh never mind). Now I wear a retainer at night whenever I feel like it, which is about half the time. I’ve only broken it once. Flossing is so much easier.
Heart zapped – In 2000 I birthed my daughter vaginally – hooray! I didn’t want an epidural or a c-section, but I sure did freak out and request the epidural as soon as my labor pains kicked in for real.
My doctor took it upon herself to give me an episiotomy (a surgical cut in the muscular area between the vagina and the anus), which took a long time to heal. But further north, the pregnancy took other tolls on my body – my heart.
It had trouble keeping up with the extra blood flow and work involved with carrying another person around inside me for months, so it started to misfire. I developed SVT – Supraventricular tachycardia. My heart would sometimes race 300 beats a minute, which was inconvenient and scary. The solution was a procedure where they snake a laser up through your groin to your heart and zap the naughty part and kill it. So my heart has a scar.
The procedure cured my condition, but that zap also signaled the end of my marriage. I woke up from the procedure and everything changed in my life. My heart was fixed and broken, all at once.
By Kendra Holliday | December 2, 2016
Kyle took the train from Chicago.
All day he traveled, portable oxygen tank in tow.
He didn’t listen to podcasts or music. His mind was too occupied with thoughts of what was to come –
You see, Kyle was overcoming great obstacles in order to find answers and rediscover intimacy with another person through surrogate sessions with me. It had been seven years since he was last with a partner, and he was missing human touch terribly.
Why? Life took an unexpected turn from him.
I’m always fascinated by my client’s life stories, and his was especially interesting.
As a forensic anthropologist, Kyle traveled the world working on ancient civilizations and gravesites. He was fit, had a passport, and worked outdoors a lot, in all kinds of conditions. Destinations included South America, Australia. He was next scheduled for a project in Europe, and had his sights set on Asia.
Then one day, at a church in Mexico, disaster struck – literally. The team was digging in trenches, excavating an old sacred graveyard for relocation. Despite wearing a Hazmat suit and respirator, something went wrong when a 400 yr-old-bone was hit with a pickax. Bacteria exploded in the air, and invaded his lungs. He suffered serious pulmonary damage, and has been on oxygen 24/7 ever since.
A couple years after that, he was hit in the ass with colon cancer, and had to undergo risky surgery to remove 1/3 of his colon. The doctors warned him he might not survive the operation, due to his lung condition. They had to give him an epidural and twilight meds instead of general anesthesia!
Incredibly, he survived this double whammy.
Nowadays, Kyle is the same age as me (43) and lives with his parents on disability. He can no longer drive. He’s overweight and in poor health. His lifestyle went from adventurous globetrotting to being tethered to a tank in his bedroom, more or less homebound, living vicariously through the internet. He is an odd combination of extremely worldly and intelligent, and emotionally stunted and childlike.
We had our initial consult over Skype. I found out he’s quite kinky like me – into stockings, men and women, incest and rape fantasies, pegging… all that fun stuff! His sensitivity and shyness put me at ease, and we clicked.
By Kendra Holliday | November 3, 2016
Note: This article was originally published here.
Hey, fellas—when’s the last time you sported a boner? Have you ever noticed how annoying spontaneous erections are for teenage boys, and how annoying lack of erections are for older men?
In fact, if you look up “Reason for Erection” on the internet, besides getting some German band’s website, you’ll also find a lot of resources for unfortunate teenage boys plagued with erection problems: Erections during class. Erections at night. Erections for no reason at all. Boo-hoo, must be nice! I hope they remember that 40 years from now!
According to evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa, the only biological function of an erection is to allow men to have intercourse with women, with the end goal of making a baby. But hey, we’re human, and sometimes men want to use their dicks recreationally. It can be extremely frustrating when the little head doesn’t play nicely with the big head. Let’s face it – dicks can be unpredictable!
As a sex surrogate, I help out men with all kinds of issues. One of the more common complaints is ED—erectile dysfunction. There are two causes for ED—physical and mental.
By Kendra Holliday | October 16, 2016
Since I’ve been back from Tantra Training, I’ve practiced the Tantra Awakening Ritual with several of my friends and clients.
But get this – you can also perform the ritual solo!
To learn how, you can read Barbara Carrellas’s book Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-first Century.
It’s actually super easy to do, but it helps to be coached through it your first time. I read Barbara’s book thrice before I went to her workshop, and it was only there that I was able to “get it,” with her walking me through it.
Tantra is like the City Museum in St Louis or House on the Rock in Wisconsin, or many other exotic and unique places in the world – it’s hard to explain it, you just have to experience it for yourself. And you can experience it WHENEVER YOU WANT, FOR FREE.
Tantra is about energy, being present, and opening yourself up to a deeper level of consciousness.
Awakening is rousing, getting in touch with parts of yourself you have buried or ignored. This can be spiritual, mental, or physical. So often we feel disconnected from our bodies, we’re so in our head thinking and worrying so much. REPLACE THE FEAR WITH LOVE.
Rituals are tools that help us focus our attention.
The first time I did the solo ritual, I was in a roomful of people, which might sound like an oxymoron, but we weren’t interacting physically with each other. We all lay supine on the floor separately, and Barbara encouraged us to breathe deeply, go with the flow, and make noise if we wanted to. Having other people’s energy present made it more intense – I heard heavy breathing, crying out, moaning, sobbing… I myself felt great tingling and waves of emotions, and then cried cathartic tears afterward.
Naturally, I wanted to try it at home by myself. Ideally, I’d like to schedule this self-care weekly. You can knock it out in 30 minutes, or you can turn it into a more elaborate ritual.
For my first solo ritual at home, I chose a planets and elements theme.
By Kendra Holliday | August 14, 2016
The experience blew me away. I am a changed person.
I expected to soak up new energy in a new city, new ideas, new people, and learn about tantra. I’ve read a lot about it online, plus I read Barbara’s book Urban Tantra twice – yet I still didn’t have a proper grasp on it. I think tantra is like Burning Man – you have to immerse yourself in it in order to “get it.”
Well, I got all that and more – I met other sex workers, fetish models, dominatrix, tantrikas, and other specialists. I learned about marketing, BDSM, gender politics, and about other cultures.
That picture of Barbara on the right? That’s what the week was like – we were sparkling, ecstatic, and open-hearted.
My NYC escort for the week was my good friend Matthew Stillman, who was also attending the course. He’s like a brother to me – I was so lucky to spend the week with him – it was my first time to NYC and I was so intimidated! I couldn’t have been matched with a better soul – he’s lived in NYC his entire life and was an excellent guide.
We walked all over the place and took the subway!!! Columbia University, Central Park, Brooklyn Bridge… I reread A Tree Grows in Brooklyn on my trip, and found this slut-shaming passage still relevant, 70 years later:
By Kendra Holliday | August 7, 2016
Back in April 2015, Shameless Grounds hosted an important event for people in non-traditional (poly, kinky, non-married) relationships.
If you fall into traditional social norms and are legally married and something happens to your spouse, you are protected by law. You have rights. But if you are not married to each other, you are screwed – unless you have other legal documents in place.
Lawyers were on hand at a poly-packed Shameless to educate the community and distribute paperwork for protecting yourself and your partner(s) in the event of hospitalization or death. The event was inspired by a tragedy that happened to one of my polyamorous friends – she was banned from her partner’s hospital bedside by his family. She found out about his death by seeing his obituary. Never in a million years did she think this would happen to her – she got along great with his family before he fell ill. And now, during this time of crisis, for whatever reason, they turned on her. She was devastated to her core.
My partner Matthew and I don’t have plans to marry or move in together, but we’ve been together eight years and trust each other with our lives. So, in lieu of legal marriage documentation, we finally have the official paperwork in place, notarized and witnessed: Hospital Visitation Authorization and Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care and Directive.
And when I say finally, I mean FINALLY. I’ve been carrying the folder of paperwork around with me in my laptop bag for the past sixteen months!
I kept trying to coordinate phone calls to the lawyer, having a meeting with my partner to fill out and sign the papers, going to a notary public to have them officiated, and then having two witnesses sign them. Plus, all kinds of kid stuff, events, and other duties and obligations kept getting in the way.
It took a couple weeks of calling the law office for me to get answers from them on the steps I needed to take – they were super busy. So I’d be glad to recommend them to you, but you may want to do a search for Probate and Estate Planning Lawyers in your area. Since our focus was on healthcare directive and not on finances or property, we were able to utilize state forms you can find online here. (I got the Hospital Visitation Authorization Form from the lawyer.) But if you have more complicated needs or have an estate worth over $40,000, you should definitely meet with a lawyer to cover all the bases. Keep in mind that MO law is different than IL law, so stick to your state.
By Kendra Holliday | July 31, 2016
My friend Mitchell Tepper, Ph.D., MPH is working on a documentary project featuring injured soldiers and their sexuality. It’s called Making Love After Making War, and they are raising funds for the film. Of course I donated to this important cause, and wanted to let you know about it.
There are six days left of the campaign – won’t you please consider contributing sometime this week? Or help spread the word?
I met Dr. Mitchell Tepper last summer at an AASECT Summer Institute that focused on sexuality and disabilities. Mitchell, who has lived with a spinal cord injury for over 30 years, knows firsthand what it is like to live with a permanent disability, and he is passionate about teaching others how to make the most out of their unique situation. He is a husband, father, and sex educator. He’s also brilliant, ambitious, and one of the most positive people I know.
So, yeah, I believe in his work and want to support this project however I can.
Please take a look at the Indiegogo campaign and find out more. Thank you!
By Kendra Holliday | June 17, 2016
I found out about yoni eggs by happenstance at a party, when I met a vivacious woman named Dailia. A while back, Dailia had hosted an event featuring a woman from Harlem named Makeda Voletta, aka Queen Lioness. Makeda leads workshops all over the country, featuring topics such as sensual strength training and sacred yoni eggs.
Dailia was hopping around the kitchen bragging about the yoni egg she was wearing.
I looked for an amulet or something, but she laughed.
“You can’t SEE her. She’s inside me.”
OH. DUH. Yoni = female genital region – vulva, clitoris, vagina, etc.
“So what is its purpose?” I asked.
She gushed, “She helps me stay grounded, empowered, tight, toned, stimulated, CONNECTED.”
My eyes widened. I had to find out more.
Read Makeda’s Yoni Egg Basics overview.
By Kendra Holliday | May 19, 2016
A recent tweet of yours got me thinking. Someone asked about the number of sex partners and someone answered, “Why does it matter?”
Well, the average guy like myself, ignorant to the female body, thinks men can have sex with a thousand females and have no physical change to the penis, but if a woman has sex with a bunch of partners, her vagina becomes stretched out or damaged in some way.
As I get older and wiser, this seems like a really stupid believe. Can women have sex with many partners without physical change? Could you explain how the female body really works and educate us cavemen?
Every body is different, so some women have very tight vaginas to begin with that slowly become looser over time, kids or no kids, sex partners or not.
How many kids you have makes a difference. So can how much you use your vagina. OR it makes no difference! What if she has c-sections, for instance?
What if she fucks guys with HUGE dicks?
What if she’s a porn star? I’ve heard of porn stars doing anal scenes for five years who sustain damage. Then there is Belladonna who takes really good care of her body and exercises muscles most of us aren’t even aware of!
A woman can do Kegel exercises and tighten PC muscles and make things better.
I’ve asked several guys how different pussies compare – guys who have been with total sluts, women who have had NO kids or four kids, and they say it all feels the same. I think that is their honest answer.
By Kendra Holliday | April 22, 2016
If you know me at all, you know that I have a mentally ill mother, and a mentally ill daughter.
Yes, genetics can be a bitch.
As a result, I’m constantly sandwiched between my past and my future.
If the timing features one of them having a meltdown, it can feel like a stressful seesaw, but if the timing features both of them freaking out simultaneously, it can feel crushing.
Today, I set out to have a happy-go-lucky day of self care – I took time off from seeing clients so I could enjoy the beautiful spring weather – read, write, go shopping, take walks, and nap.
Relax and rejuvenate.
But a couple days ago, I had a bad phone call with my mom. Among other things, she has borderline personality disorder. I’m not sure what that means exactly,
but I do know that serial killer Aileen Wuornos had it, and it means you have to walk on eggshells with the afflicted person and kiss their ass, or else you will pay dearly for it – they will instantly turn on you and become vicious.
I talk to my mom on the phone a few times a week, and I usually play along and kiss her ass, murmuring sympathetic responses to her litany of complaints about how cruel everyone is to her.
This time, I didn’t feel like it. She whined about what a victim she was, after bragging about slamming the door on her social worker and stealing money from my dad, and when I asked her what she wanted me to do about her pathetic plight, she got angry and insulted me. I hung up on her.
Today, my daughter got a letter in the mail from her crazy grandma. It included this picture of me, along with a taunting message in my mother’s spidery script:
This was your mother at age 21, before she met your father.
My daughter was confused, but I immediately knew the intent.
This picture was taken right after I was raped. She sent it deliberately in order to hurt me again. The first time, a man stuck his cock in me because he wanted to. This time, mom mom stuck a memory knife in me because she wanted to. Both times, I was penetrated without my consent.
The day this photo was taken was over twenty years ago. I was working at a nursing home with a nice guy named Pasqual. He was from Cameroon, and was attending Maryville University for a nursing degree. He lived with a host family. He had dark skin and a moon face, and a thick French accent.
By Kendra Holliday | March 23, 2016
It’s my birthday today! Do you know what I want?
Happy, healthy vaginas.
My fellow women in St. Louis.
My fellow women around the world.
If you are glad I was born and would like to honor that time I traversed a vaginal canal 43 years ago, please consider donating to one of my favorite non-profits:
Worldwide Fistula Fund – A global health organization dedicated to the treatment and prevention of obstetric fistulas. WFF helps girls and women to heal, recover and rebuild their lives, while working to improve the safety of childbirth. WFF and our partners in sub-Saharan Africa provide girls and women with expert care and support to recover and rejoin society. Restore health and dignity to girls and women in sub-Saharan Africa.
Planned Parenthood – HEALTH SERVICES give individuals the power and the ability to take control of their lives, their health and their future. EDUCATION SERVICES give medically-accurate information to help teens make responsible decisions about their reproductive future and strengthens parent-teen communication.
SWOP-St. Louis – A local branch of the Sex Workers Outreach Project, a national social justice network dedicated to the fundamental human rights of sex workers and their communities. SWOP focuses on ending violence and stigma through education and advocacy.
Thank you for helping make the world a better place, one healthy vagina at a time!
By Kendra Holliday | March 18, 2016
My organization Sex Positive St. Louis offers some amazing events for our local community – not only do we host happy hours, discussions, pussy parties, and clothing optional parties, but we also present demos from time to time. Previous demos include blowjob, cunnilingus, female ejaculation, and fisting.
Well the other day, I met a man who loves sounding. Urethral sounding is the practice of inserting rods into the urethra (pee hole) in order to increase the inner diameter. Say what?! Believe it or not, this unusual activity can elicit very sexy sensations for some people!
You can read a good essay about it at Nerve.com – Sensible Sounding: Why I Inserted a Metal Rod into My Penis on Purpose.
He joked to me, “You should do a demo on this.”
I shot back, “That’s a GREAT idea! Will you do it?!”
He was surprised. “What? Really? Who would be interested in that?”
“Are you kidding? This is FASCINATING! Every time I mention it to someone, they either cringe like crazy or ask tons of questions!”
YES I talked him into it!
About 20 interested people attended the demo – men, women, couples, black, white, younger, older. We were fascinated and full of questions! How does it work? Why do it? What kind of man would do such a thing? Does it feel good? How far do they go in? Is it safe? What tools should you use?
Our demo guy was 28-year-old Marty. He reminded me of a young Jack Nicholson, complete with messy hair and a mischievous grin. He had a strong, muscular body dusted with body hair and decorated with a few tattoos. He had some scrapes on his legs and a bandage wrapped around one of his hands. When asked how he got banged up, he told us he skateboards.
Before he got started, we all sat around in a circle and introduced ourselves and shared why we were there. A couple of the men had sounding experience, but most were curious about it; they didn’t explore it due to safety concerns.
The women were also very curious, but there was one female nurse there who found it to be a huge turn on!
By Kendra Holliday | February 6, 2016
I’m a sex surrogate. That means I work intimately with people in addressing their sexual issues. In other words, I’m a fucking therapist! 🙂
I LOVE what I do, but it’s not all fun and games. I sift through a lot of painful baggage. It’s incredible what people have to endure! I do my best to feel for them, and WITH them. I want them to unpack that baggage, but it can be hard to accomplish in just a few hours – they’ve been gathering it for years. What a burden! I try to lighten their load, in a fun and loving way.
Here are some examples of what my clients are dealing with:
losing a wife suddenly
never having a partner
orgasming too quickly
inability to orgasm due to back surgery
inability to feel orgasm due to anhedonia
erectile dysfunction due to heavy emotional baggage
erectile dysfunction due to a million other things – 80% of ED is mental, 20% is physical
married but haven’t had intimacy in more than ten – or twenty – years
lack of intimacy
By Kendra Holliday | January 26, 2016
|Live like a Mad Scientist & get laid!|
I asked my friend RainMan to share some of his alternative lifestyle habits with The Beautiful Kind community; clearly he’s a man who thinks outside the cage. And it works – it gets him laid! Here is a peek into his weird world, in his own words:
“How many times have you been approached by, gone on a date with, or even married someone who is best described as Generic Humanoid #17?
The woman whose entire life is work, Facebook and fruity drinks with her girlfriends every Saturday night.
The man whose entire life is work, video games, and NFL Sunday Ticket.
The married couple whose twice-a-month sex life consists of the same two positions every time, carefully scheduled between episodes of Desperate Housewives and the ballgame.
Is it any wonder people trade in their spouses as often as their cars?
Kendra has had glimpses into the insanity that is my world, and she jokingly called it the “Mad Scientist” approach to living: doing things just to see if you can, changing your life around just because you can.
The crux of this is constantly challenging yourself. Rather than spending life coasting along, why not mix things up? Do something that forces your to consider life from a different perspective. Each time you do this you grow, even when you fail.
I’ve tried all of the following examples at one time or another. Some won’t be feasible depending on your specific circumstances (wife/husband, kids, disabilities, etc), but your options are only limited by your imagination.
By Kendra Holliday | December 13, 2015
The other day, I came across this post on Cameryn Moore’s blog about death and sex work: When a Client Passes Away.
It gave me pause.
I’ve been a sex worker for almost 10 years, and a lot of my clients are older, and/or have disabilities. I’ve had clients disappear, but have never been confronted with a death.
I wondered what it would feel like to lose someone you have a professional, yet loving, intimate relationship with, that society may or may not approve of. Talk about complicated!
Unfortunately, I soon found out. Not even two weeks later, one of my client’s passed away unexpectedly. He was 35 years old with a severe disability. I was supposed to see him again Christmas week. It hit me harder than I thought.
M contacted me back in May with the following request:
“sexual surrogate for a quadriplegic disabled man”
M had Muscular Dystrophy, which, according to Mayo Clinic, “is a group of diseases that cause progressive weakness and loss of muscle mass.”
We had an initial consult via Skype. He had to use his tongue for typing. I teased him about it: “I can’t wait to see what else that tongue can do!”
I only spent a few hours with him total, but what special hours they were!
I had to travel to him, since he was so limited in mobility. He lived about an hour from St Louis.
Each session, he was sooo eager and excited! He didn’t get to explore his sexuality nearly as much as he would like to, so he was an apt pupil. We practiced kissing, oral, pleasuring a woman, and condom sex.
He’d be hard before I even entered the room – anticipation is half the fun! He trembled with excitement, and complimented me on my body – “you look good for your age.” Ha, thanks! 🙂
Since he couldn’t move his arms, we adapted a technique where he was able to get me off – “knuckle riding” – we lubed up his hand and I rode the back of it. His soft knuckles folded perfectly into my labia and clit, creating a sexy sensation that gave me tingles!
I taught him to relax his mouth while kissing, and suck my breasts in a way that I enjoyed. I boldly stood above him so he could get a good look at my pussy, and carefully lowered myself on his face so he could taste the bittersweet tang of sacred femininity, being sure not to dislodge the tracheotomy tube attached to the base of his throat. He wasn’t as fragile as I thought he was – I was able to climb all over him and experiment with different positions. He was able to feel giddy waves of pleasure, and orgasm without ejaculating.
Most men keep warm – testosterone is nature’s furnace – but the men I’ve been with who have Muscular Dystrophy are more like me – they get cold easily. So we would cuddle under blankets together and talk about plans and dreams. We would gaze into each other’s eyes. I would stroke him all over and press my soft body against his. He beamed with joy. He loved live music, his pets, and the beach. And most of all, he loved women!
I last heard from him on Dec 1. We were discussing our upcoming session the week of Christmas.