By Kendra Holliday | February 17, 2019
Category Archives: Health
I’m like a kid in a condom store!
I have to tell you something.
Unless you’re fluid bonded with a trusted partner, you really need to use condoms. I hear so much complaining about condoms (they choke! they slow me down! they make me go limp! they dull sensation!) and I’m hearing even more about poly/swinger people not practicing safer sex! Don’t forget that you’re sleeping with everyone they’ve slept with and you are putting many people at risk when you throw caution to the wind and think, “It won’t happen to me!”
THINK BEYOND YOUR DICK.
So if you’re going to stick your penis in another person’s moist and sensitive orifice, take it from this promiscuous STI-free slut and WRAP IT UP! Here are some good options for you to try:
1. TheyFit Condoms – Offering 95 sizes, the company has tried to eradicate male sensitivity over measurements by giving each girth a random code. Men can use the “FitKit” chart to determine their perfect penile pouch.
2. Condoms you can put on drunk in the dark: Sensis. Watch this video that was appropriately filmed in bars. Sensis has little easy pull tabs, so no more fumbling around in the dark with lubed hands trying to tear a seamless wrapper.
Snowman condom! Ho, ho, ho!
4. Are you artistic and like an interactive condom company? Try One, a cool company that offers several cool ways to win/earn free condoms and condom-related merchandise (very helpful for us poor folks!) You can submit designs for their condom wrappers and if you win, you get cash AND a year’s supply of condoms!
5. Custom art condoms: Get your photo or logo on the wrapper OR the condom by ordering YOU condoms. I could totally see Gene Simmons being into this concept…
6. For those who don’t care for the stinging, burning sensation of spermicide as it eats away at your sensitive tissue, try the condom sampler pack from Condom Depot. A variety of 100 condoms makes a great vagina – I mean, stocking – stuffer!
7. Internal Condoms. In my opinion, they’re like shoving a sandwich bag up your vagina, which isn’t very sexy, but if your man has issues with choking and sensation, these are a good option. I’ve used them with men who have trouble achieving orgasm with regular condoms, as they provide a different sensation. ALSO good for people who have a latex allergy, or for MFF threesomes so you don’t have to keep changing condoms in between partners.
Still wondering what’s out there? Go to Undercover Condom and browse their categories – they’ve got latex free, vibrating, studded, glow-in-the dark, and much more.
Have fun wrapping your favorite present that keeps on giving!
What are YOUR favorite condoms? Have you tried any of the suggestions above? Share your tips below!
By Kendra Holliday | December 13, 2018
You know what’s awesome? It was much easier writing the list of Top 10 Things That Have Been in My Vagina. My positive sexual experiences far outweigh my negative, and shine warmly in my head, eclipsing the dark, gross shitty stuff.
That’s because I have not let the negative things define me. I have overcome them, and defined my sexuality on my own terms. Each of the things below sucked bad, but they all made me a stronger person as a result.
Look, I’m not much into trigger warnings – I kinda figure if you’re alive and on the internet, you’re going to run into some raw dog shit. But I’ll go ahead and let you know that the list gets progressively worse. A yeast infection is a walk in the park compared to some of the hell that follows.
10. Yeast. I’m glad to say I have a hardy vagina – some women I know have to deal with chronic yeast or bladder infections. For the most part, mine can endure all kinds of crazy activity and then go on about its business. I have had a few yeast infections though, and itchy, pissed off vaginas are no fun! They’re actually pretty gross. It’s cool modern medicine has evolved such that you just need to pop one pill orally and be done with it, as opposed to seven days of injecting applications of messy creams up there.
9. Bad bacteria. I’ve had two nasty, disgusting bacterial vag infections in my life, and they both developed from the same hot tub. It was a nice, clean swinger hot tub in West County, and I’ve been in all kinds of hot tubs and lakes with no problem, and no one else who was in the tub had an issue, so it must’ve been a bad reaction with my personal chemistry. I smelled like rotting fish down there. Had to go to the doctor for medicine, good grief! Needless to say, I stopped hot tubbing with that couple, even though they were nice. I had gross associations with them, like when you eat a can of sauerkraut and then throw up afterward.
8. A really big dick. I’ve been with all sizes of dicks. I prefer average size – 5-7 inches when erect. I dated one guy for a while with an 8-inch-dick. It wasn’t ideal for me. Then one day, I slept with a man who had a 9-inch-dick – talk about a world of hurt! IT SUCKED. I wasn’t into it AT ALL. I grimaced my way through it and avoided him after that, which made me feel gross.
By Kendra Holliday | December 13, 2018
I thought this would be a good topic to follow the vaginal penetration post.
A few years ago, the Riverfront Times published an article titled Top Ten Things That Have Been in The Beautiful Kind’s Vagina: NSFW. I was SO honored. I’m pretty sure no other woman has that distinction. The article is by now out of date, so I’m going to offer my own, more accurate version. GOD my vagina has been good to me! Holy shit I’ve had a lot of people and things in my vagina! (For context, click here to see what my pussy looks like – the glorious gateway to my vagina!)
10. Tapio, my wooden dildo. One of my favorite sex toys. My lovely super smooth dildo glows like a tiger’s eye and smells like cedar. Very warm and inviting. He is the most living inanimate object I’ve ever fucked.
9. An abortionist. I seriously can’t imagine what life would be like right now if I hadn’t gotten an abortion in 2007. It was a sucky situation and a difficult decision to make, but I am infinitely grateful I had the legal option to exercise my right to choose.
8. Big black cock. I’m sorry, but even if the cock isn’t technically “big” (and lord knows I’m not a size queen!), it still sounds better to say it that way. I’ve had the pleasure of fucking several handsome black men. Here is one of them.
7. Hitachi Magic Wand Attachment. OMG I LOVE THIS THING! I use the Hitachi Magic Wand every day, but every once in a while, I add the attachment. It fits over the head and inserts perfectly snug. I lube it up and it’s like a benevolent alien tentacle bathing me in white light, inside and out. It’s gripping and intense and when I cum, it hurts so good! My vagina grabs on tight and doesn’t want to let go. I yelp when I pull it out after my rockin’ session, phew!
By Kendra Holliday | December 11, 2018
My friend offered to conduct an orgasm experiment with me!
He came over wearing a lab coat, carrying a clipboard and some measuring equipment.
We wanted to see how long it would take me to orgasm while he measured my heart rate and blood pressure every minute. We also audio recorded it.
He got me hooked up to the portable blood pressure monitor and sat by my bed, dutifully holding the clipboard and taking notes.
I stripped down and grabbed my new wireless Magic Wand.
“What are you going to fantasize about?” he asked.
“I think I’ll go with recalling some erotica I read earlier today about a virgin who gets impregnated on an island by a caveman, that was pretty hot.”
He nodded, then offered, “Here’s what I think you’d be into – imagine Matthew calls you up and is with another woman and is giving her an orgasm and wants you to listen.”
“OH that sounds good, too, I like it! And no doubt he’ll get off, too!”
With that, I was ready to rock. RIGHT as I was about to hit record, my next door neighbor fired up his motorcycle right outside my bedroom window! Arrghh!
My Doctor said, “We can wait a minute, he’ll leave soon.”
By Kendra Holliday | September 1, 2018
Would you like to know your asshole better? How about someone you love’s asshole? Do you wish you could stick things in it in a way that feels intensely amazing, but are not sure how?
Anal is one of the sex acts I get asked about the most, mainly from women who fear it, and men who want to explore it. To that, anal expert Tristan Taormino chirps, “What’s up, chickenbutt?” OK, not really. Instead, she makes videos.
For the newbie set, I recommend Tristan’s initial video on the subject, Expert Guide to Anal Sex.
For those who want to take it to the next level, there is the newly released Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex.
Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex stars Nina Hartley, Bobbi Starr, Kylie Ireland, Adrianna Nicole, Mr. Marcus, James Deen, Danny Wylde, Christian, with special appearance by Sinnamon Love and Tyler Knight.
Note: Bobbi Starr was so charming and special, I had to go look her up. She reminded me of a friend of mine, proof that she nailed the “girl next door” schtick. Bobbi talks about how she only does anal for work because she can prep properly; apparently, sex at home is more spontaneous. It’s so cute hearing a porn star admit she’s self-conscious about making a mess!
First things first: This video is SO respectful.
AND educational. Which might make you think it’s not sexy or worth jerking off to. But it totally is! Tristan manages to include so much information into this video that you can easily flip between learning about how to give an enema to sitting back and getting erotically lost in an intense scene for three hours.
|This is a picture of my butt,
which I felt was appropriate
for this review
I hope I watched it all – it went on and on, it’s packed with scenes and info. I dunno, there might be some hidden butt plugs I missed.
Watching this video reinforced my respect for porn stars. They are such good, giving, game athletes. So refreshing to see people explore their sexuality in a shame-free zone. So many people are so secretive about their sex life and act like it’s a private activity that should be conducted behind closed doors, like going to the bathroom, so it felt very open-hearted for these performers to keep the door open for us on their backdoor activity.
These are professionals who want you to try this at home.
I love the conversations with the stars before they commence to fucking. There is more eye contact and kissing than you would expect for anal. Watching them kiss is what is personally hottest for me.
The actors have real chemistry and connection, they smile, appear relaxed, I get the impression they are friends in real life.
By Kendra Holliday | May 23, 2018
You have bad breath.
I’ll prove it to you:
1. Grab some floss. If you don’t have easy access to any, you have bad breath FOR SURE.
2. Floss a few of your teeth.
3. Sniff the floss. This is what your breath smells like.
Any food that is caught between your teeth and left there simply rots, right in your face. That’s why it’s important to floss daily – you don’t want a graveyard in your mouth.
The reason why I’m posting about this topic is because I run a sex worker group, and one of the most common complaints I hear from the women (besides clients being stingy) are johns with bad breath. It’s really hard to give the Girlfriend Experience when your partner smells like he ate a shit sandwich.
Conversely, I was at a Whore Happy Hour and one of the men complimented me on my teeth, saying the women he knew were sweet, but many had meth mouth and smoked. So I guess my nice grill is a good selling point, if you will.
SO, if you want others to enjoy kissing you, here are some easy tips on keeping your breath fresh n’ clean:
1. Brush your teeth twice a day. This is also good for your gums.
2. Floss daily. As they say, you only have to floss the teeth you want to keep! Glide is a good brand if you have crowded teeth and normal floss shreds.
3. Go to the dentist for routine cleaning twice a year. I don’t have dental insurance, but I still make this happen. A cleaning costs me about $150. Consider it skull maintenance.
4. Avoid coffee or smoking, but if you do indulge, rinse with water or brush your teeth afterward.
5. HYDRATE. Drink lots of water.
6. Eat more fruits and veggies, less meat. High protein diets are the worst for creating bad bacteria fumes as it decomposes.
7. Chew on parsley and mint! Eat your garnish at dinner, grow mint in your backyard and rejoice in the natural freshening powers of chlorophyll! Just watch out afterward for green stuff stuck in your teeth!
8. Listerine may actually do more harm than good because it contains alcohol and dries the mouth, which the bacteria tend to like. I use SmartMouth, it’s great! It shorts out the bacteria’s ability to breakdown and produce sulphides in your mouth.
9. Keep the mouth moist (god I hate that word) with sugar-free gum or mints. I always chew a piece of gum ten minutes before a date.
10. Tongue scraping is good. You can buy a scraper, but I just use a spoon every couple days or so. It’s crazy what can accumulate on the back of your tongue, it gets all thick and white, eww!
You can read more about halitosis here.
Do you have any fresh breath tips or bad breath horror stories to share? If you had bad breath, would you want someone to tell you?
By Kendra Holliday | March 25, 2018
I asked readers to suggest sex acts that everyone should try at least once. Now, this list may not be as kinky as you might expect. That’s because I chose to focus on sensualism and intimacy over fear factor stuff.
So, you’ll find a lot of creative vanilla acts, but things like genital torture? Not so much. I was also able to consolidate a lot of things into one entry, such as anal play for rimming, receiving, pegging, etc. This gives you more flexibility when planning out your sex menu.
Thank you to everyone who contributed to this list. Please comment on how many of these things you have done, and what stands out as something you’d like to try soon!
2. mutual masturbation
3. sexual encounter with person of a different gender
4. same sex encounter
5. male-female-male threesome
6. male-female-female threesome
8. using a condom during sex
9. using another form of birth control
10. getting/giving spanking
11. phone sex
13. writing/drawing on your partner
14. combine food and sex in some way
15. sex while being restrained in some way
16. one night stand
18. orgasm three times in one night
19. morning sex
21. afternoon sex
22. middle of the night sex
23. have sex while wearing a costume
24. cross dress
25. give oral sex
26. receive oral sex
27. have sex with a friend
28. wait a long time to have sex with someone you’ve been crushing on
29. get a full body massage (more…)
By Kendra Holliday | February 11, 2018
My friend Joan Price is an ageless sexuality educator, and she has a free webinar on safer sex for seniors. Here it is – I queued it up to my favorite part. Please watch it for 20 seconds, then feel free to watch all of it. 🙂
By Kendra Holliday | December 10, 2017
We all experience trauma at some point in our lives.
Our reactions can be
and I propose a fourth –
Freak the Fuck OUT
When I feel threatened, I don’t usually fight. I usually run away or freeze. But I find that when I allow myself to FREAK THE FUCK OUT, I can recover more successfully.
For instance, if someone gets in a car accident and is in shock and gets rushed to the hospital, the medical staff will sedate the patient, which is numbing. The patient is not allowed to work through the trauma – it gets stuck.
I think when something bad happens to you, you should be allowed to freak the fuck out, or wallow in grief for a while. But then you have to make a conscious effort to Move Forward.
Being happy and healthy requires resilience.
A victim is someone who allows their past to dictate their current actions.
A survivor is someone who uses their past as a stepping stone to being stronger.
This mentality reminds me of addiction. As I’ve struggled this year with my drinking, I’ve studied many teachings, including Alcoholics Anonymous, and Moderation Management.
I was going down the AA path because I felt helpless and out of control – like a child. AA corroborated with that, espousing that alcoholics are powerless against alcohol. You have to surrender and give yourself up to a Higher Power in order to find your salvation.
I bought into that until I started reading the book Responsible Drinking. It offered a practical, shame free approach to a healthy relationship with alcohol. The part that shifted my entire lens is when they talked about the power of belief.
It’s not easy to change our beliefs and the habits that have evolved over many years. First we need that inkling. An inkling that all is NOT as it should be. Work your way through “I want to change” to “I can change” to “I’m changing now.”
I gave myself permission to be empowered. I leveled up in my personal growth process. It feels good.
Another thing I’ve taught myself is processing negative experiences quickly.
I think blogging and putting myself out there helped with this.
Years ago, if I got a nasty comment on my blog, it would sting, and it would haunt me all day.
Over time, I got used to it, and was able to process it quicker. So all day turned into all morning, then a couple hours, then an hour… nowadays, I still feel the sting, but I can move past it in about 15 minutes. That’s SO much more efficient!
Facing shame is also healthy. Anytime I have an experience and think, “I don’t want anyone to know about that!” I realize that I need to blog about it so that EVERYONE knows about it. Bringing it to the surface is so much healthier for me than burying it.
Like everyone else, I feel shame, but I process it faster than most people, I think.
I can be tender, but I have pretty thick skin!
My friend commented, “You don’t SEEM like you have thick skin. You’re soft and tender with people. I know you are tough like whoa, but I love that you aren’t hard on people. It’s a gift.”
Another superpower is being forgiving. Forgiveness lightens your emotional baggage load. So often, our parents intentionally and unintentionally hurt us when we are children. Those experiences shape us as adults. Forgiving them of their flaws and mistakes is a huge gift to everyone involved.
Paul Gilmartin of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast always says, “All feelings are valid, there are just healthy and unhealthy ways of expressing it.”
Don’t bury or suppress your feelings. Find safe spaces to bring them to light and address all the fascinating layers that make you the person you are.
By Kendra Holliday | August 13, 2017
My friend Steffy tipped me off to a Women’s Clinic that worked for her. They really care about their clients, and they don’t jack up the prices like some of the clinics do.
Still, I had to pay out of pocket because they were out-of-network with my lackluster health insurance. Each visit cost about $150.
They suggested I do a spit test for hormone levels, as that is more accurate than blood. So I did that, and they provided me with a very detailed report. I was impressed with how thorough and efficient they were.
It turns out that not only was a little high on testosterone, but I was also high on stress hormones (duh) and very low on progesterone and estrogen. So they prescribed a plant based hormone cream specifically designed for me, to be applied at bedtime. I replaced the Paxil with this hormone elixir. It cost about $115 (not covered by insurance of course).
I felt immediate relief!
And I got my orgasms back after three days or so off Paxil. It was weak and like watery waves, but I wept with joy all the same!
SO GLAD TO HAVE MY ORGASMS BACK.
And more energy! I felt motivated and positive. I was getting shit done! Woo hoo!
The hormones help A LOT, but they don’t erase the symptoms altogether. They certainly make them more manageable.
In addition to the whoremones, here is what else I keep in my menopause survival kit (keep in mind this is what works for ME – every person is different. It’s important to experiment and find what works for you.)
- a spray bottle of water in fridge to spritz on myself for immediate relief
- ice packs
- all those heat pads I used to put on my tummy for menstrual cramps – now I was freezing them and putting them on my neck!
- glass dildo in fridge for quick core cool down 😉
- FIJI water – mmm, electrolytes
- Whenever possible, I get 10,000 steps in each day. I take a dawn walk, a day walk, and a dusk walk. Helps me keep in touch with nature/trees/sun/flowers…
- T-Balance Plus thyroid supplements – helps with night sweats
- Cheryl’s Herbs
I’m so glad I figured this all out through lots of research and trial and error. Before I had this kit, I was non-functional – sobbing, lying on the couch, useless. Four psychotic episodes. There are entire weeks during the months of June and July I can’t remember – pics on my phone I don’t recall taking. That’s some scary shit!
I’m so glad I’m feeling better.
I’m pretending this stage of my life is about being reborn as a witch. It feels magical and other worldly – a painful and beautiful process. I’m sure there will be ups and downs, but I’m fortunate to have a strong support system in place. My family and friends have been so compassionate and understanding.
And it’s providing me with much wisdom and perspective so that I can continue helping others who are struggling with life’s curve balls.
And you know what else? It’s kind of awesome living in a man’s world with a man’s thermostat. It’s nice not having to bundle up every time I go to the grocery store or a movie theater!
By Kendra Holliday | August 13, 2017
Throughout this whole six month ordeal, my sex drive remained strong. In fact, it was even stronger! Instead of drying up, I was firing up.
I had more male energy. I felt juicy and sizzling like a steak on a grill. My friend Joan Price maintains that if you have a healthy libido before menopause, you will likely retain it after you go through the life change.
Needless to say, my sexuality is vitally important to me. So it sucked to start taking Paxil. I knew what was coming, and it wasn’t going to be me!
Many medications, especially anti-depressants, affect desire and orgasm.
The first day I started taking it, I vibed it out and came just fine.
The second day, I could cum.
The third day, it was an effort, and the orgasm was not the best.
The fourth day, my orgasms ghosted.
They were gone.
Still, I kept up with pleasuring myself daily. I tried to enjoy the sensations without the satisfying climax.
I was able to get off with partners, but it was different. It was coming from a different place – like my breath, instead of my clit.
I tried different methods of self-pleasure, but nothing worked that well. (Check out fellow sex blogger Crista Anne’s #OrgasmQuest chronicles!)
Oddly, my fantasy Rolodex no longer worked for me! Usually, I flip through the rich and perverse fantasy catalog in my brain until something grabs me by the clit and does the trick for me. Now, all of my favorite scenarios were as dull as dirt. Uncle seducing niece at a family pool party? Yawn. A sexy couple teaching a curious girl about sex? Ho hum.
I promised myself I would take Paxil for at least a month to give it time, but I broke that promise. After three weeks of taking it, I tapered off and replaced it with something that was a MUCH better fit for me…
By Kendra Holliday | August 13, 2017
At my yearly physical last June, I talked to my doctor about my drinking problem.
He didn’t offer me much help. He’s a good man, but the system has his hands tied.
This year, I came to him with an even BIGGER problem – my menopause madness. I was at death’s door, but still raging.
I begged for blood work, and told him I was in a desperate situation. Of course the office air conditioning wasn’t working. I was SO hot and bothered.
He automatically prescribed Paxil, which has been studied with menopause symptoms.
I knew it would fuck with my sex drive/orgasms, but I just almost died, so I figured it was worth a shot. Better to find a stopgap while I searched for relief.
After the doctor appointment, I loaded up on ice and cold drinks, and went to Tower Grove Park. I communed with my tree friends. Being under a tree is like church for me.
I like how trees have roots that run deep, and they also have branches that reach to the sky. Which brings me to birds. I have an affinity to birds, as well. And butterflies.
If you visit my house, you can see this for yourself – my house is full of plants, birds, and butterfly imagery. It is definitely a fairy cottage.
This is why I hate hospitals so much – I dropped out of nursing school because I realized that even though I wanted to help people heal, I couldn’t work under fluorescent lights and with no windows to the outside world.
ANYWAY, I got my blood work back, and everything was normal enough. No diabetes, thyroid is fine, etc. My testosterone was a little higher than normal, but no big deal.
I continued to ice myself down, and made an appointment with a Women’s Clinic that specializes in hormone therapy. You have to be careful when it comes to choosing a clinic – some are really expensive and don’t care about you, but I heard good things about this one.
Meanwhile, I reluctantly started taking the Paxil. And then, of course this happened…
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017
I’d like to blame Trump for my alcoholism, but in all fairness, I’ve been dealing with it for the past couple years.
Menopause and the current social climate has made it much worse, so I’ve been trying to get it under control.
But goddamn it’s a STRUGGLE.
Like this woman.
I started going to therapy in February after my first breakdown, and to help me deal with my teen daughter and my aging parents. I take care of so many people – not just family, but clients. I love it so much, but it can get overwhelming.
It became clear that I was self-medicating with alcohol.
And menopause symptoms are very similar to alcoholic symptoms, or withdrawal symptoms, or other mental illness.
I’ve found myself addicted to alcohol, as well as social media/the internet. It makes me feel weak! I want to be STRONG!
At first I was deeply ashamed of being a lush, but I’ve had time to process and research it, and I’m fine talking about it.
I’m currently an active, high functioning alcoholic. The book Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp seems to capture my experience very well. (I was bummed to learn the author died at age 42 of lung cancer!) I love my work, I have great relationships and community, a fabulous daughter, a lovely little home. I’ve worked hard to overcome past trauma. My core beliefs include being open and honest – I have nothing to hide. I’m one of the freest people I know. I live a rich and beautiful life. My mantra is Replace the Fear with Love.
So what the fuck?? Why am I struggling like this? I read Chasing the Scream – I know the causes of addiction and why people self-medicate in order to deal with pain, neglect, and isolation.
I’ve been to three AA meetings, and they are great. I’ve been reading the Big Book.
I’ve also attended one Moderation Management meeting, which was great, too. They have a book on Responsible Drinking.
I’ve noticed the AA crowd seems to be more of the “rock bottom” type who use alcohol to avoid responsibility, whereas the MM folks are more perfectionists cracking under the pressure of doing ALL the things.
Of course, this is a gross generalization based on four experiences. I want to attend more of each.
I’m also keenly interested in the Sinclair Method, which utilizes therapy and a drug called Naltrexone. I’ve been begging health professionals for a prescription to this medication for the past two years, but no one will prescribe it to me. I have no idea if this would affect my sex life, but would like to find out.
I looked into out-patient treatment, but was quoted $10,000 WITH insurance.
I have a list of a few other resources I still need to dig into – Empower Psych Centers, Beat Addiction St Louis, Smart Recovery, Refuge Recovery, Harris House, White House Retreat, …. the list goes on, and is overwhelming. I have a hard time knowing where to start, so then I put it off until the next day.
I’m constantly justifying my drinking. I drink to celebrate, I love the ritual, I drink to cope and slow down. I drink almost every day, and it’s not good for my body.
So yeah, that’s another thing I’m dealing with right now.
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017
In February, I got blindsided by a mental breakdown.
In June, I almost killed myself.
What happened between Feb and June?
The meltdown in February made me think I was going insane. My mom has a long history of severe mental illness, and my daughter struggles with it, too, so I figured it was finally my time to succumb to it.
But why was it happening? What changed in my brain to set off this explosion of uncontrollable behavior?
I started keeping track of my severe symptoms.
I noticed it happened about once a month. Feb was acute. March was intense. April was mild. May was madness. June was the worst.
About once a month, I would freak the fuck out. I would explode like a volcano. I raged. I paced. I begged. I screamed. I spoke in tongues. It felt like going into labor.
I remember when my water broke with my daughter 17 years ago, I felt the same feeling of fight or flight. The birthing process was water rage – this was fire rage.
I saw stars. My psyche cracked open. I sobbed. The pain and beauty was too much.
All my life, I’ve been cold. I hated ice water, air conditioning. I’d bring sweaters or blankets to grocery stores, movie theaters, offices.
Now, I was SO FUCKING HOT. I was guzzling ice water. I was a wild animal.
The heat would boil up in my chest and erupt out of my crown.
My entire body felt electrified, throbbing, pulsing, crackling.
I had four psychotic episodes leading up to my planned suicide. I needed to get away from this. I needed it to end.
through the fog and confusion, I realized I was dealing with hormones.
Like most people, I had an intense puberty experience as a teenager. Pregnancy was a big fucking deal. And now I was entering menopause, which is like puberty all over again, but turned inside out.
HORMONES ARE REAL.
Now to be clear, my experience is unusual. Some people have no issues, some have a few hot flashes and irritability.
Due to my hysterectomy, sensitivity, and genetic makeup, I was experiencing severe symptoms.
Similar to this woman.
Mood swings, suicidal thoughts, irritability, insomnia, depression, anxiety, fatigue, bloating, weight gain, hot flashes that last for days, night sweats, chest pains and palpitations, brain fog… GRIEF.
The day after my near death experience, I went right to my doctor and DEMANDED bloodwork.
I wanted to know my hormone levels. I wanted to try medicine before death.
I couldn’t drive, so I had a friend take me. He also took me to the park, so I could lie under the trees.
In my mad state, all trees were beings to me, not objects. I felt connected to them. They pulsed and whispered to me.
Now I understand why women back in the day were treated for hysteria, or condemned as witches.
I could barely function.
That night, I hosted a whore hangout, and I had to lie on the floor for it. I begged a friend to bring a chilled bottle of champagne to pour over my naked body in the bathtub, which she did, much to my bright delight.
Which brings me to the next tricky piece of this puzzle…
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017
This SCARY thing started happening to me back in February, and I didn’t know what it was.
I WAS LOSING MY MIND.
My first episode occurred the same day I impulse bought a grandfather clock – how timely!
Have you ever impulse bought anything? This year, here are two things I impulse bought:
a grandfather clock, and a funny shaped sweet potato.
I like blaming my daughter for the goddamn limited edition Howard Miller heirloom clock. We stopped by a furniture store that was going out of business. I was looking for candles or something. I saw a wall of grandfather clocks and mentioned casually to my daughter, “My great uncle used to build grandfather clocks. I’ve always wanted one.”
That’s why I have one in my dollhouse, as well as a roll top desk. My grandfather had a roll top desk. I never imagined I would have either of those things in real life, any more than I can imagine myself owning an orange muscle car or 5 bedroom house for hosting orgies. They are too fancy and expensive.
My daughter marched right up to the salesperson and said, “Would you please help my mother? She wants to buy a clock.”
I sputtered in protest, but decided to find out the price. It was 50% off, so I went ahead and YOLO’ed and got it.
After I bought it, I felt the same anxiety I get after I book a ticket to Europe. WHAT HAVE I DONE? IT’S SUCH A COMMITMENT!