Category Archives: Random Bullshit

I’ve Been Tied Up…

By Kendra Holliday | February 27, 2017

I’m SO behind on updating this damn website!!

Photo by Mike Estes

I have posts in draft and adventures to share, but they keep stacking up as I keep putting out fires (menopause hormones!), attending events, and playing with clients.

The pic above was taken by my friend Mike Estes at Naughti Gras, an erotic art show that happens every Feb in St Louis. This year was the 10th one, and it was better than ever!

Mike built that super deluxe cross I’m chained to, and guess what? After the show, I got to take it home! It’s in my dungeon, hooray! It has really good energy – so many sexy people posed with it at the show, from burlesque dancers to fire breathers and fetish freaks.

It’s been years since I’ve done a shoot with Mike. He documented my Coming Out party, as well as a few other events.

Red seems to be the theme color…

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A Few of My Favorite Things

By Kendra Holliday | February 13, 2017

Nuru Mermaid

Nuru Mermaid

Since you asked… here is a list of some of my favorite things:

Cash, of course!

Wouldn’t it be awesome if the gas, water and electric companies offered gift certificates? What would be more loving than gifting someone with a hot bath, a home cooked meal, or cooling or heating?

Amazon gc – send gift certificates to kendra@thebeautifulkind.com – I looooove books so much! And they sell pretty much everything else.

GiftRocket online gift card – versatile and easy!

Whole Foods gc – or Trader Joe’s, Global Foods, Dierberg’s, Schnucks local grocery stores. I don’t eat mammals or birds, but I do eat seafood, veggies, fruit….I love ethnic food like sushi, Indian, Vietnamese, Ethiopian

A donation to

Planned Parenthood – because I believe in accessible health care.

or

Worldwide Fistula Fund – The Worldwide Fistula Fund is an incubator, funder, and promoter of innovative solutions to improve global women’s reproductive health.

Etsy gc – support artists!

Target gc – I’m a sucker

Flowers and gifts from Fleur de Lou – they sell lots of sexy and kinky flower arrangements, and also have whimsical gifts. I like when flowers last more like a week as opposed to three days, so the hardier ones are better, though I do like roses and fleeting exotic flowers like orchids. My favorite color rose is the peachy one with blush tones. I don’t like pink as much and I can’t stand the smell of cloying lilies, too funeral home. I keep my flowers in my dining room, which has green walls and lots of colorful jewel tones. Daisies, carnations, sunflowers are great. I like colorful.

Soft blankets, soft tummy

Soft blankets, soft tummy

Soft Surroundings gc – I looove soft clothes and blankets!

Earthbound gc – hippie fashion!

Shoes – size 7, no sandals

Mystic Valley gc – for my witchy things!

Cheryl’s Herbs gc – more healing magical opportunities! I got a scent there called Goddess…

Shameless Grounds gc – one of my favorite places in St Louis!

Godiva milk chocolate and truffle assortments

DeBrand is even finer, but is based in Fort Wayne IN and worth a goddamn road trip!

Fruit from heaven

Fruit from heaven

Merb’s milk chocolate covered strawberries is local and scrumptious

Soaprocks – these are so cool!

Demeter – they sell so many fun scents, some of my favs are New Leaf, Firefly, Grapefruit Tea, Sushi, Silvery Pekoe, New Zealand, Pipe Tobacco, Leather…

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab – just look at this website!! I have a scent called Bewitched…

FLOAT gc – I love FLOAT, it’s like being in the womb, getting a massage without being touched. You should try it, too!

Massage – my baby sis is my massage therapist, she is excellent! You can sponsor a massage for me, or book one for yourself! She’s located in South City. If I know you in real life, I’m happy to refer you.

Victoria’s Secret – I tend to wear a medium, but sometimes L depending on the style and brand, 36B. My body is average (5′ 4″, 140 lbs) but my mind is extraordinary! I don’t like thongs or g-strings. I prefer timeless and VINTAGE looks over trendy – black, bright colors, jewel tones

Liquor – Bombay Sapphire / Beefeater / Tanqueray gin, Maker’s Mark whisky, bourbon galore, Ketel One  / Grey Goose / Belvedere / Sobieski vodka, Kraken rum, American Honey, peach brandy, Chardonnay, champagne, or any other premium liquor brand you want me to experience

I also like coffee, tea, and Kombucha.

How about you? What are some of your favorite things?

Junk in Your Trunk

By Kendra Holliday | February 1, 2017

You know how they talk about baggage, being in the closet, etc.?

Everyone has baggage – daddy issues, mommy issues, family pain, abandonment issues, trust issues, inexperienced issues, break up trauma, secrets, shame, guilt, neglect, abuse, loss, betrayal, injury, fear, rejection…

I like to pretend our head is an attic, and our brain is an old fashioned trunk, crammed full of stuff we’ve collected from our travels.

What's in your trunk?

What’s in your trunk?

Space is really tight, and the stuff is jammed in there.

So, I propose this exercise to my clients.

Find the key that opens the trunk.

A skeleton key, for the skeletons in your closet

A skeleton key, for the skeletons in your closet

Open that trunk up.

Now, take ALL the stuff out of it – toss it around the room.

Examine each article – is it a piece of clothing? Is it a toy? Is it wrinkled? Is it moldy? Does it still fit? Do you want to keep it?

Address and assess each item. Acknowledge why it’s in your trunk, and decide if it’s something you want to hang on to.

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The Good, the Bad, and the Lovely

By Kendra Holliday | December 25, 2016

This chest makes an excellent tuffet

End of the year recap!

Who here is glad to be done with 2016?

WHO?

MEEEEE!

And I didn’t even have that bad of a year – I mainly watched other people’s loved one’s die and shitty world news and election travesty…

I can easily recall bad things, but if I think a little harder, I can conjure some really amazing memories this year –

Going to the cabin

Spending time with people who are no longer alive

Hosting fun events – Shameless Grounds, clothing optional pool party, sex worker workshops, sissy tea party, Fleshtivus!

Road trip with Sex Positive St Louis crew to Chicago CatalystCon

Tantra training in NYC!

Sun and moon book

A quick jaunt to Texas…

Fun with family – my daughter, partner, siblings and partners are still alive and well

New dishwasher, washing machine, and dryer – so many gifts and blessings thanks to my clients and loved ones

Another trip to NYC and the Poconos!

Lots and LOTS and LOTS of sexy time! Tantra, long distance clients visiting, devirginizing, fetish facilitation and roleplay realized….

Ahhhh!

And another year of good health – no serious illnesses or STIs, hooray!

And so many loved ones, a roof over my head, food in my belly.

Want to hear something funny?

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Twelve Days of Dickmas

By Kendra Holliday | December 23, 2016

You know what gives a sex worker a serious case of frosty burnout? An onslaught of timewasters and disrespectful horny men.

It’s winter now, and I’ve been dealing with a bone chilling, relentless dick blizzard.

It’s enough to make my pussy FRIGID.

Baby, it’s cold outside. Don’t be all rapey, virtual, or otherwise.

I feel like I’m doing the heavy lifting. Other women are opting out – they’re had enough and are done with dick – which makes more men cluster up, desperate and eager, their testosterone levels sloshing out and flinging on anyone they can access.

If you want to warm a woman up, make her feel comfortable and respected.

If you want to wear a woman out, be pushy and insensitive.

Believe me, I LOVE sex and men and doing what I do, but when it comes to the creepers, it goes like this:

On the twelfth day of Christmas

my horny fans sent to me:

12 Dicks Drumming

Don't be this boner.

Don’t be this boner.

Eleven Pricks Piping

IN YOUR FACE

IN YOUR FACE

Gather around, manchildren!

Ten Dicks a Leaping

Nine Dongs Dancing

Eight Dicks a Milking

Seven Dicks a Swimming

Six Cocks a Laying

Five Golden DIIIIIIICKS

Four Calling Dicks

Three French Dicks

Two Turtle Dicks

and a Penis in a Pear Tree.

Now repeat twelve times.

See? Exhausted.

Merry Dickmas, Everyone!

Luckily, I get a boner break – I’ll be on vacation Dec 26-Jan 10. First Hogwarts in Orlando with my daughter, and then Iceland with my partner! I’m excited to see magical landscapes and the Northern Lights!

And then I will return, refreshed and ready to rendezvous again! See you next year!

My Top Sex-Positive Recommendations

By Kendra Holliday | December 7, 2016

Kendra Holliday, clothed, studio portraits

I offer sex and relationship consulting, and I’m happy to say that I’ve been getting more women, LGBT folks, and couples these days. Historically, most of the people who have sought me out for my unique services have been men who crave female energy.

The Top 5 reasons why people contact me are, in this order:

1. He’s a married man in his 50’s or 60’s whose wife is not interested in sex (mismatched libido)

2. He/she/they have some sort of sexual issue they want to work through, such as inexperience, anxiety, or orgasm/penis problems (Erectile Dysfunction is a common complaint – it can get complex when you heap social conditioning and anxiety on top of the natural aging process.)

3. He/she/they are interested in branching out sexually, either because they are in transition, not getting laid, or curious about alternative lifestyle options (non-monogamy, BDSM, sex work, etc.)

4. He has a fetish and is ashamed/seeking an outlet

5. They want to meet me, and possibly rub me for good luck

———

My goal is to offer tools, connections, and non-traditional options so that the people seeking me out can reach their goal of becoming happier and healthier. My approach is unconventional, and I get referrals from licensed sex therapists. I’m pretty well connected and have a strong network. Sex is my specialty, which ties into work, family, personal – everything!

Here is a list of resources I most often recommend to my clients:

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Golden Anniversary

By Kendra Holliday | November 25, 2016

Kendra Holliday, operating on mutual respect since 2006

Kendra Holliday, operating on mutual respect since 2006

This holiday season, I’m feeling very nostalgic.

You see, my parents 50th wedding anniversary was this week.

FIFTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE.

My mom is one of the only truly monogamous people I know.

She has only been with one person her entire life.

Isn’t that IRONIC??? I’m the opposite – I’ve been with hundreds of people. I’m SO non-monogamous.

How about you? How many people have you been with? How do you feel about it?

A few years ago, my parents renewed their vows, because they weren’t sure they would make it to their Golden Anniversary.

My veteran dad had open heart surgery in 2005 after retiring from a 30 year career and delving into two more government jobs. So earnest and gullible.

And my mom.

Well, she has had more near death experiences than I can count – childbirth, child death, mother guilt, resentment, confusion, suicide attempts, cutting, bashing, languishing, slicing, dicing, overdosing, psychotic episodes, hallucinating, mania, depression, dumpster diving, dog and people rescuing, child abusing, drug rehab, halfway houses, driving into ditches, crumpled up in closets and outhouses, ER visits, endless falling, bleeding, heart stopping, toxic drug levels…

Life can be fucking brutal.

They are stubborn and of strong stock.

Here is the song that was played at their renewal of vows. My baby sis chose it (she’s 12 yrs younger than me – we span their reproductive love story – it went girl-boy-girl-boy-girl):

I love how the colors start out red, like blood, then blue is added, and it turns purple. Purple is a healing color. Purple is what people could wear after a year of mourning, back in the day.

Healing.

Healing.

It reminds me of this song. Yes, I KNOW it’s super cheesy, but it symbolizes so much:

Celine Dion is an angel, overseeing their fate.

Youth.

Celebration.

Decadence.

Crisis.

Hot.

Cold.

Violence.

Death.

Everlasting love.

Love conquers all.

Here is an image of my parent’s hands in 1966, at their wedding:

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What to Do in St Louis (Besides Me)

By Kendra Holliday | November 19, 2016

I’ve been having lots of national speakers (Joan Price! Marty Klein!), friends, and esteemed clients travel to St Louis to see ME or attend conferences, events or fulfill prestigious speaking engagements, and they often ask me what St Louis has going on.

Well, let me tell you – there’s A LOT going on between the legs of The Arch!

Lady Lascivious Liberty! BE FREE!!!!

Lady Lascivious Liberty! BE FREE!!!!

From the honorary sex-positive Ambassador and Queen Whore Madame of St Louis, here are my suggestions!

The City Museum downtown is the MUST SEE place in St Louis. TRUST ME AND EVERYONE ELSE AND GO THERE. You can climb around and explore so many levels – from the rooftop to the underground caves! Listen to my friend Max talk about the interactive features of this hardcore unique museum. Kids love this place, and so do adults. (Pssst, there are nooks and crannies for getting injured, or a little nookie with your sweetheart if you’re lucky!) Seriously, I love taking people there. Every time I explain it to them on the way there, they say, “yeah we have something like that in our city”, and then when they get there, they shit their pants and I feel crazyproudsmug. 🙂

Shameless Grounds is a rare gem – we are SO happy to have it! It’s a sex-positive community space and coffee shop. The food is really good! They host so many great events and have a sex library! (Psst – look for the wall of beautiful vulvas backlit above the bookshelves 😉 ) Be sure and check out their calendar while you’re in town, and while you’re at it, check out SEX+STL calendar, too. We cross pollinate all the time, and the entire community benefits!

Joan Price and me at Shameless Grounds!

Joan Price and me at Shameless Grounds!

And while you’re in the neighborhood, go pay your respects to the Anheuser-Busch Clydesdales. Not only are they spectacular beasts, but they offer better hospitality than most people — free beer!

If you have a car (public transportation is not the best in St Louis), drive around the city and marvel at all the green and red – so many trees and brick buildings. Beautiful architecture. There’s even a documentary on St Louis BRICKS by my friend Bill Streeter!

HOLY SHIT – did you know that most of our attractions in beautiful Forest Park are FREE?! You just have to be aware of $Parking$, incidentals, and Special Exhibits.

If you like art, you better get your ass to our incredible Art Museum. Be sure and say hi to my boyfriend (he may or may not practice Responsible Hedonism…):

I just want to climb on him!

I just want to climb on him! But omg I better not.

When I used to strip on the East side back when I was 19, I would often be driving to “work”, feeling a sense of dread, then I would declare a silent scream FUCK IT, and bust a U-turn and spend the day at the glorious Art Museum instead. One placed sucked my soul, the other place nourished it…

I like taking different people to the museum and pretending it’s a giant Art Mart, and we get to pick one thing out of each gallery. I’ll say in a loud voice, “Where are the price tags on these things?!”

But whatever you do, DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING in the museum, unless maybe a toilet seat. Otherwise, the security guard stationed next to every piece of art will cut you.

The History Museum is nice, if you’re into that kind of thing. They had a fun Prohibition exhibit a while back, as well as one on Lingerie throughout the decades. And Little Black Dresses! And toys! They have a great marble selection in their gift shop! I have a lot of them in my bedroom…

I took this pic at the History Museum!

I'm ready to see you!

I’m ready to see you!

And if you like history, The Campbell House Museum downtown is splendid.

Our ZOO is one of the best. Every year, they update a section so it is better for the animals, and fun for all us gawkers. One of these days, they will get around to the lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

Grrrrrrrrr!

Grrrrrrrrr!

Get your geek on at the Science Center. They’ve featured some really fun exhibits in the past, like Bodyworlds, Dr Who, and Sherlock Holmes.

If you fancy gorgeous gardens, visit our Botanical Garden. I’ve been to gardens in other countries, and this one rivals all of them. This is one of those places I go when I want to have a ME date.

Iris Garden at MoBot

Iris Garden at MoBot

Beautiful Tower Grove Park is right next store, and has the most variety of trees in the city.

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My Life Milestones

By Kendra Holliday | September 23, 2016

I’m 43 years old. Here is my life trajectory so far:

1973: I’m born in North Dakota. Brrrr!

My birthday suit, aka my first nude photoshoot

My birthday suit, aka my first nude photoshoot

1974: My family moves to Dallas, Texas.

1975: Who the hell knows.

1976: My brother is born.

1977: Um, Elvis dies?

Drinking the blood of Elvis

Drinking the blood of Elvis

1978: My sister is born. My brother throws up. I remember my first dream; I’m kidnapped by Captain Hook and held hostage with Raggedy Ann and Andy. He cuts off my foot and it looks like SpaghettiOs.

1979: My family moves to St. Louis.

1980: My baby brother is born, and dies two days later. My mom tries to kill herself several times, and when that fails, she burns his name into the back of her hand with a soldering iron. She is never the same again. A very dark time.

1981: Life still sucks. My mom is a complete wreck.

1982: My brother is born. My grandmother dies.

1983: I get molested by an older, adopted brother. It SUCKS. I get sent to therapy, and I don’t know why. I think I’m being punished. I am a victim.

1984: I have my first lesbian encounter. It’s hot and naughty. I’m 11.

1985: My baby sister is born. I drop her on her head, but don’t kill her. Skeptical about god’s involvement, I become an atheist.

1986: I hit puberty and middle school, and lose all my artistic talent and confidence. My family is poor white trash, and I am branded a zitty nerd. It sucks.

1987: My mom keeps getting crazier and crazier. It makes me crazy, and I attempt suicide. I spend time in three different mental hospitals. I lose my virginity to a 24 year old creep with a mustache because he keeps badgering me and I finally give in. It sucks.

1988: My moms tries to kill herself again. I put pressure on her slashed, gaping arms as my dad calls the ambulance. She gets hospitalized a lot, and OD’s, and gets shock treatment. I fuck around and feel very confused. It sucks.

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My Year as a Stripper

By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2016

Disclaimer: I wrote this a long time ago, and it never seemed to fit the vibe of this blog, so I’ve never published it here, or anywhere. It ALMOST made it in BUST magazine, but they chose an essay about male strippers instead.

I was in a very different place 20+ years ago, but since I mentioned it in the post yesterday about Jobs I Have Had, I decided to follow up with this. My next post will feature modern positive updates, I promise!

Stripping.

I had this gig was when I was 19 (I’m 43 now). I was pretty much trapped in a bad spot – kicked out of my house, no money, no car, dead end job.

I didn’t know what to do. So one day, a girlfriend and I decided to check out the strip clubs on the East Side. I called a place at random, and asked if they hired girls who had no boobs and couldn’t dance. She said sure, gave me directions, and told me to come in for an “interview.”

So I saved up money for a down payment on the cheapest car I could find, and we drove over there.

It was SO frightening entering that place. It was like a haunted house, but it was in the afternoon, and the building sat on a gravel parking lot in Washington Park like an overgrown mobile home. It was called Mainstreet.

Quaking, my friend and I entered. It was really dark, and we had to go up some stairs. There was a bouncer at the door, a 6’6″ black man named Humphrey who directed us to the bartender, who was in charge. She was very tan, busty, and abrupt, and our “interview” consisted of us being taken back to the dressing room, and being told to lift our shirts. I guess she was checking for scars, or a hairy chest or something.

We filled out an application (the whole purpose being to get in writing that you’re 18), and we were hired.

I gave my employer two weeks notice, and soon it was my first day to report to the strip club. I was SOO nervous, because guess what?

Me circa this era, in the great outdoors and not in a gross strip club

Me circa this era, in the great outdoors and not in a gross strip club

I was on my own.

My friend chickened out. (It’s almost unheard of for a woman to just walk into a strip joint out of the blue and get a job there. Women usually wind up there because a friend they party with or relative works there.)

My first day was TERRIFYING. I was paired up with a sweet-n-stupid girl with bleach blond curls and pink lipstick named “Sassy,” who took one look at me and gave me the name “Glamour.” Can you believe that was my stage name?? Isn’t it SO Seven Dwarfs?

She lent me high heels, and for the first time in my life, I got up on a stage and took my clothes off in front of a bunch of strange men 20 years older than me. Can you imagine doing that right now? Can you imagine doing that as a teenager?

We hustled the guys all day, and I went home feeling very dirty and exhausted. And that’s the way I felt for next nine months. I was in my prime and desired by many, but absolutely LOATHED myself.

The strip club I worked at was owned by a nasty man in his 50’s named Tom Venezia, and his 25 yr old son, Milan Venezia. They were SLEAZY all right, and were involved in all kinds of illegal activity, and had loads of money. Milan thought he was hot stuff, so did his dad. They would pick the hardest, bitchiest princess girls and SHARE them, and of course the “chosen ones” thought they were something else, too. They’d run the bar, like the one who hired me.

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Jobs I Have Had

By Kendra Holliday | August 11, 2016

Babysitter. When I was 12-16 years old, I babysat a lot. I wasn’t very good at it. Looking back, I feel bad for the parents who trusted me with their homes and children. Sometimes they hired me so they could go on dates, but sometimes they had to work or go to school. I was oblivious to their grind. Some were rich, but some struggled. It was sad seeing them divorce. Nothing bad ever happened on my watch, but I did snoop around their house, eat their food, and made sure the kids followed the rules. As soon as they fell asleep, I would watch Cinemax softcore porn and get all tingly. One thing I did NOT do is steal, and one of the moms accused me of stealing from her kid’s piggy bank! I ran into her ten years later and was able to confront her. It still hurt after all those years. She apologized and told me it was a different babysitter – she just assumed it was me because I was younger. It was good getting closure with her.

Telemarketer. As soon as I turned 16, I got a job selling magazine subscriptions over the phone, facing a wall in a room full of cubicles. It was HELL being a clueless teenager and cold calling people, trying to make them buy something they didn’t need, and getting rejected, hung up on, cussed out. I only lasted a day. I remember thinking, “This is what having a job is like? It SUCKS!”

Salad Bar Attendant at grocery store. A week later, I got a job at a grocery store near my parent’s house, working in the salad bar. I’d sometimes go to school until 3pm, then work at the salad bar from 4-10pm. Sometimes I’d have a Sat or Sun shift that went from 530am-3pm. I wore a polyester uniform and stood in the cold back room for hours, chopping romaine lettuce, pineapples, rinsing slimy kidney beans…I worked there until I was 18, and was glad to be transferred to the bakery where things were warmer, smelled better, and there were cupcakes. During this time, I was an unethical slut and fucking around – one time my jealous boyfriend visited me on my lunch break. He put his hand on my thigh and felt the garter belt and stocking I had on under my polyester pants. BUSTED. I remember the angry flash in his eye, and how my heart raced. I lied to him that I was wearing them to keep warm, when in reality I totally had plans to cheat on him after I clocked out.

Hotel front desk clerk. When I got kicked out of my parent’s house at 18, I was homeless, so after crashing with friends for a while, I found a crappy shotgun house right on Highway 44 with an awful roommate. I didn’t have a car, so I found a job within walking distance – that hotel at Hampton and 44. It used to be a Howard Johnson. I thought it was rather glamorous – I got to work with the pretty ladies. We had one suicide while I was there – he checked in, but he never checked out. I dated the maintenance man who resembled Bruce Springsteen, but it was bad – his penis was damaged from being circumcised later in life after a foreskin injury. The management favored my co-worker who would leave me to watch the desk while she did drug deals in vacant rooms, so I got frustrated and saved money as best I could in order to buy a car.

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The Sex Spectrum

By Kendra Holliday | June 26, 2016

Kendra Holliday portraying vanilla. Photo by Stan Strembicki

Kendra Holliday portraying vanilla. Photo by Stan Strembicki

I’ve come up with the following Sex Spectrum – do you agree with it? Where do you fall? Where do(es) your partner(s) fall?

Repressed – thinks sex is distasteful, doesn’t recognize any fetishes or fantasies, thinks genitals are ugly, doesn’t masturbate, is uncomfortable with erogenous zones, could easily do without intimacy or sex, is pretty much offended by everything

Vanilla – holding, cuddling, standard sex positions, passionate lovemaking, oral, watching porn, monogamy, mutual masturbation, traditional gender roles, basic sex toys, sex in the bedroom/kitchen/basement work bench/backyard/hotel

Kinky – anal play (male or female), bondage using silk ties and scarves, teacher/secretary/cop fantasy roleplaying, exploring bisexuality, watching hardcore porn, taking pics/filming, female ejaculation, threesomes/foursomes/orgies, advanced sex toys, cross dressing, pegging, sex in a restaurant/elevator/public place, exploring basic fetishes (foot, hair, latex, lingerie, etc.)

Kendra Holliday portraying Perverted

Kendra Holliday portraying Perverted

Perverted – face slapping, rape and incest fantasy roleplaying, gang bangs, bondage involving rope, facefucking, watersports, forced bi/cuckolding/chastity, humiliation and objectification, public sex (with an audience), fisting, double penetration, pegging, crazy sex toys (ball gags, big dongs, strapons), sex in church/graveyard, exploring more unusual fetishes (unwashed, period, amputees, etc.)

Fucked Up – edgeplay (bukkake, bloodplay, bladeplay, gunplay, breathplay, needleplay, electro, caging, necrophilia), gimp masks, body bags, CBT (cock n ball torture), masturbating in a bible, mutilation, sex in a morgue, sex with a real student/relative/prisoner, exploring extreme fetishes (shit, bestiality, vomit, pedophilia)

Does this look about right? For instance, do you think anal falls under Vanilla or Kinky? I first wrote this six years ago, and now that I’ve revisited it, I’ve moved a lot of activities up a notch. For instance, three years ago I considered gang bangs “Fucked Up.” Now, I view them as “Perverted.”

Also, I should state for the record that I don’t think any of these terms are derogative per se. It’s when you start harming yourself or others where I start to draw the line. And basically, the more taboo something is in our society, the more Perverted/Fucked Up it is. And the taboo twist is what makes it so hot! (For further reading, I suggest the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies.)

Personally, I consider myself mostly Kinky, moderately Perverted, with a dash of Fucked Up. And of course I LOVE me some Vanilla! How about you? I’d prefer if most people fell somewhere between Vanilla and Perverted.

Portrait of a Rape

By Kendra Holliday | April 22, 2016

Look how crazy I am ROWR!

Look how crazy I am ROWR!

If you know me at all, you know that I have a mentally ill mother, and a mentally ill daughter.

Yes, genetics can be a bitch.

As a result, I’m constantly sandwiched between my past and my future.

If the timing features one of them having a meltdown, it can feel like a stressful seesaw, but if the timing features both of them freaking out simultaneously, it can feel crushing.

Today, I set out to have a happy-go-lucky day of self care – I took time off from seeing clients so I could enjoy the beautiful spring weather – read, write, go shopping, take walks, and nap.

Relax and rejuvenate.

But a couple days ago, I had a bad phone call with my mom. Among other things, she has borderline personality disorder. I’m not sure what that means exactly,

Photo by Mike Estes of me impersonating Aileen Wuornos

Photo by Mike Estes of me impersonating Aileen Wuornos

but I do know that serial killer Aileen Wuornos had it, and it means you have to walk on eggshells with the afflicted person and kiss their ass, or else you will pay dearly for it – they will instantly turn on you and become vicious.

I talk to my mom on the phone a few times a week, and I usually play along and kiss her ass, murmuring sympathetic responses to her litany of complaints about how cruel everyone is to her.

This time, I didn’t feel like it. She whined about what a victim she was, after bragging about slamming the door on her social worker and stealing money from my dad, and when I asked her what she wanted me to do about her pathetic plight, she got angry and insulted me. I hung up on her.

Today, my daughter got a letter in the mail from her crazy grandma. It included this picture of me, along with a taunting message in my mother’s spidery script:

This was your mother at age 21, before she met your father.

Violated and shell shocked

Violated and shell shocked

My daughter was confused, but I immediately knew the intent.

This picture was taken right after I was raped. She sent it deliberately in order to hurt me again. The first time, a man stuck his cock in me because he wanted to. This time, mom mom stuck a memory knife in me because she wanted to. Both times, I was penetrated without my consent.

The day this photo was taken was over twenty years ago. I was working at a nursing home with a nice guy named Pasqual. He was from Cameroon, and was attending Maryville University for a nursing degree. He lived with a host family. He had dark skin and a moon face, and a thick French accent.

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Please Give Me a Healthy Vagina for My Birthday!

By Kendra Holliday | March 23, 2016

Happy birthday, whore!

Happy birthday, whore!

It’s my birthday today! Do you know what I want?

Happy, healthy vaginas.

My own.

My friends.

My lovers.

My daughter’s.

My sisters.

My strangers.

My fellow women in St. Louis.

My fellow women around the world.

If you are glad I was born and would like to honor that time I traversed a vaginal canal 43 years ago, please consider donating to one of my favorite non-profits:

Worldwide Fistula Fund – A global health organization dedicated to the treatment and prevention of obstetric fistulas. WFF helps girls and women to heal, recover and rebuild their lives, while working to improve the safety of childbirth. WFF and our partners in sub-Saharan Africa provide girls and women with expert care and support to recover and rejoin society. Restore health and dignity to girls and women in sub-Saharan Africa.

Planned Parenthood – HEALTH SERVICES give individuals the power and the ability to take control of their lives, their health and their future. EDUCATION SERVICES give medically-accurate information to help teens make responsible decisions about their reproductive future and strengthens parent-teen communication.

SWOP-St. Louis – A local branch of the Sex Workers Outreach Project, a national social justice network dedicated to the fundamental human rights of sex workers and their communities. SWOP focuses on ending violence and stigma through education and advocacy.

Thank you for helping make the world a better place, one healthy vagina at a time!

 

March 10 Throughout the Years

By Kendra Holliday | March 10, 2016

You know how facebook shows you your memories from ever since you signed up to be a part of their bittersweet social parasite network?

Well, March 10 seems to be an especially poignant day for me, as you can see detailed below.

Who the hell knows what I was thinking about and doing before 2008, but you can spy on my sordid life milestones in this post.

Beyond that, facebook reminded me that in —

My butt has seen better days.

Dazzling smile!

2008 I had a non-sexual crush on my dentist. I loved my dentist so much. I was with him for years. He was always kind and took good care of me. Not only that, but he talked about books with me – we were both in book clubs and swapped titles.

But then health insurance broke us up, and I hopped around. I ended up in three abusive dentist relationships in a row – either they were mean, or stood me up, or were arrogant – until finally I found a female dentist I adore, but I don’t have dental insurance now, so I pay out of pocket. She gives me discounts, and thankfully, I have great teeth. FLOSS FOR THE WIN.

2009 I was sick of the word “sensual”. It’s such a creepy word. But, if you look at the origins of the word, I can get behind it, and have since accepted it.

2010 I took my daughter to her first feminist party. One of the women gravely informed her, “It’s a woman’s duty to be a bitch.” Six years later, I can see what she means. I can’t tell you how many people (mostly men) I’ve had try and fuck me over. You have to stand tall and firm and let them know WHO IS BOSS.

Sex work can be a beautiful thing.

Pierced nose 😉

2011 I mused, “Do you know any women who have a pierced nose who are NOT sexual dynamos? Just wondering…” of course I have a pierced nose. Left side. I like noticing who has a pierced nose, and where it is – left side, right side, bull ring in the middle.

– and I appreciated this wise article on breakups. Sometimes you gotta thank the people who hurt you, because they have made you stronger and better.

2012 was SEX+STL’s first Queen of Hearts Ball downtown, in a club that has since closed. Cooper Beckett from Life on the Swingset attended! I got really drunk that night, and some crazy shit happened. We’ve had another Queen of Hearts Ball since then, and it was way out in the country at a big house and there was an ice storm, eek! But an even bigger hit.

2013 I had insomnia. I still do. I also visited with family from out of town. Wish I could see them more than every other year.

2014 I was in New York, visiting a dazzling glass factory, trying to make the best of a business trip with my awful office job. I was desperate to find a change of scenery and beauty anywhere.

2015 I was still at my office job, afflicted by ennui and about to SNAP. In addition, I was talking about my daughter’s anxiety and depression, and how I was signing us up for meditation classes. I have a mantra now, la dee da! She still struggles with the mental stuff. And I have since quit that job and now work for myself, which makes me more sane!

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TBK365

Just ordered audio version, narrated by author, very highly rated. Thank you! https://t.co/CP9PJHMb3Q

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Fascinating interview with the author of "Plundered Skulls and Stolen Spirits." https://t.co/7Bu59KvLzT

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And how do you educate Americans? Do you suggest documentaries? Classes? Cultural field trips? Time travel? Racism… https://t.co/H46SOMqFS0

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I guess Mike Penis is better than Mike Vagence... https://t.co/euJrIA0bBx