By Kendra Holliday | August 18, 2017
Category Archives: Random Bullshit
I see symbolism in EVERYTHING.
I go through life trying my best to PAY ATTENTION. Adding layers to daily life makes things so much more beautiful, meaningful, and intriguing.
Example 1: Noticing tree branches swaying in the breeze like whispers. What are they saying?
Example 2: Coming home to find a murder of crows in my front yard after buying the ingredients for a dessert I’m making for a Halloween party that’s being held in July.
Example 3: Finding a slug on my foot after walking barefoot in the grass at midnight.
So it’s exciting for me to see an entire country FREAK THE FUCK OUT about the total solar eclipse happening right in my neighborhood.
That means they get it, right??
They’re not AFRAID of it – they are in AWE of it.
The image of the moon cloaking the sun
reminds me of so many other images, including this one of my eyeball taken during LASIK surgery
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017
This SCARY thing started happening to me back in February, and I didn’t know what it was.
I WAS LOSING MY MIND.
My first episode occurred the same day I impulse bought a grandfather clock – how timely!
Have you ever impulse bought anything? This year, here are two things I impulse bought:
a grandfather clock, and a funny shaped sweet potato.
I like blaming my daughter for the goddamn limited edition Howard Miller heirloom clock. We stopped by a furniture store that was going out of business. I was looking for candles or something. I saw a wall of grandfather clocks and mentioned casually to my daughter, “My great uncle used to build grandfather clocks. I’ve always wanted one.”
That’s why I have one in my dollhouse, as well as a roll top desk. My grandfather had a roll top desk. I never imagined I would have either of those things in real life, any more than I can imagine myself owning an orange muscle car or 5 bedroom house for hosting orgies. They are too fancy and expensive.
My daughter marched right up to the salesperson and said, “Would you please help my mother? She wants to buy a clock.”
I sputtered in protest, but decided to find out the price. It was 50% off, so I went ahead and YOLO’ed and got it.
After I bought it, I felt the same anxiety I get after I book a ticket to Europe. WHAT HAVE I DONE? IT’S SUCH A COMMITMENT!
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017
If you have seen me since June 5 and are glad about it, then please thank my partner Matthew for saving my life. If you know him, shake his hand.
On June 4, after months of angst and confusion, I was ready to die by suicide. I loved life, but it was all too much to bear.
I’ve had many death fantasies over the years.
When I was homeless, I thought I had no place in this world and wanted to leave.
When I was a stripper, I felt trapped and helpless.
There was one job I hated so much, I used to fantasize about getting in a car accident on the way there.
In 2010/2011 when I was going through the hell of being fired and sued and almost losing everything I had – home, money, daughter, dignity – I contemplated suicide.
But the only time I’ve ever actually attempted suicide was as a teenager. I overdosed on a bottle of pills and ended up puking and having charcoal shoved down my nose by a tube and then locked in the psych ward for a month. So much stinging and tears. It was NOT a good environment for healing, but at least it removed me from the toxic chaos of my home life.
This year, I encountered something so unexpected, so intangible, it caught me completely off guard. I went into primal fight or flight mode. I didn’t know what it was, but I had to escape.
I was temporarily insane.
So, I started planning. I got my affairs in order. I made sure my life insurance papers were handy. I plotted out where it would be and what I would wear, and who would find my body. I created a soft nest in a safe place. I picked out a pretty nightgown. I built an altar around my safe place – surrounding it with photos of my daughter, my love voodoo bag, and the ashes of my friend.
I picked up the supplies I needed for ending my life painlessly and quickly. I know of an effective and accessible technique; I learned it from a scientist. Every time I hear of a person killing themselves by hanging, shooting, cutting, or overdose, I pity their suffering and wish they knew of this better, more humane method.
By Kendra Holliday | July 30, 2017
I’ve been blogging since 2006. At one point, I was posting 5-7 days a week. I was a blogging FIEND.
This current iteration of my blogging career features 575 posts. I consider it my vita. People see the topics I cover and how open and honest I am and feel compelled to reach out to me. They know they can tell me ANYTHING.
Blogging was my internship for what I do for a “loving” now – talking consultations, intimacy sessions, fantasy facilitation, play party hosting, and SO much more.
Back when I was a baby blogger, people would contact me and say, “You are SO fascinating. I’d like to meet you for coffee and pick your brain!”
At first, I was flattered. Who, me? I have no degree, I have no license. I have no letters – M.D., LSW, Ph.D. – after my name. I’m just a friendly neighborhood MILF slut who puts it out there.
I am YOU – without a filter. I am YOU – raw, and without fear.
So, I did it a few times – met with strangers and let them gush eagerly at me and ask tons of questions. It felt very one-sided, like I was cooking them an exotic dish and they were gobbling it up with relish and leaving fulfilled. Meanwhile, I left feeling drained.
Why should I go hang out with a stranger and help them on their journey and forsake time with my daughter, friends, family, and lovers?
So, I came up with a plan to thwart the intense – but super interesting! – invasion of my time and energy. The next time someone approached me, I returned with, “Sure, I can meet with you to discuss polyamory/fetishes/relationships/you name it. My rate is $60/hr.”
To my great surprise, they AGREED.
Wait, what? I’m not a licensed therapist. I’m not a certified life coach. I’m just a brave mom-next-door who’s in touch with her sexuality.
But, holy shit, it WORKED.
People were EAGER BEAVER to pay for my hands on experience, my alternative views, my judgement-free space, my wisdom, and most importantly – my female energy.
These are both me:
By Kendra Holliday | July 29, 2017
I LOOOVE podcasts. Do you listen to any? I hear that only 1 in 5 people do. They’re SUCH a wealth of information, community and connection.
Below are podcasts I’ve been featured on – the most recent is at the top.
August 2, 2017: Family Affairs: Sex-Positive Parenting, featuring Sex Worker Kendra Holliday and her 16 year old daughter!
July 23, 2017: About Sex with Angela Skurtu: Sex Surrogate Kendra Holliday and her partner Matthew discuss Polyamory, Masculinity, and anything Kinky
July 16, 2017: About Sex with Sex Therapist Angela Skurtu: Sex Surrogacy with Kendra Holliday and her partner Matthew
April 25, 2017: 057: BDSM: Shame, Humiliation, & Funnel Cakes
I had so much fun discussing creative sex play and humiliation with host Ben Robbins.
This one followed up an interview we did a month earlier.
March 25, 2017: 054: Escorting, Specialty Fetish and Non-Traditional Sex Therapy
Ah yes, good times!
Strangers podcast was by far the most popular one, where I talk about Sex Surrogacy.
April, 2016: Sexistential
Host Lea Thau visited me at my home. It was a nice change having a microphone stuck in my face instead of a penis, LOL!
March 28, 2011: Interview with Sex is Fun, all about my painful coming out process as a sex-positive activist.
October, 2010. Another interview about my coming out, this time with Life on the Swingset, right as it was happening.
October, 2010. This one is all about anal! with Life on the Swingset. I love how Cooper Beckett was celebrating pegging back before it was all the rage!
Those are all the ones I remember. I’ll keep this post updated with any new interviews. I’d love to have my own podcast, but I know how much time and energy it takes.
What are your favorite sex or human interest podcasts? Are there any you’d like to see me featured on?
I like Guys We Fucked, RISK!, Savage Lovecast, The Intimate Lifestyle, HiPPiE WiTCH, and Death, Sex and Money. One I just learned about is The Manwhore Podcast – he recently conducted an interview with an erotic massage sex worker as he received a happy ending! Another one new to me is The Mental Illness Happy Hour – the host often covers sexual shame and secret fantasies. It gets pretty deep. Check out the survey section on his website!
By Kendra Holliday | June 6, 2017
I’ve been wearing a lot of sexy, slinky dresses lately sans stockings. I have to admit I felt nervous a couple times and wondered if anyone noticed my stubble. If they did, they didn’t mention it.
Here is my hairy leg, soaking in the tub:
It also feels strange saving a few steps getting ready for a date or going out. I keep thinking I need to budget an extra 15 minutes for shaving in the shower, but nope, I get to skip it! One woman commented online that shaving was “classy.” I guess that means I’m being uncouth? Oh well, I never claimed to be a lady!
SIGH. I’ll never get this hairy!
This pic was taken on a lazy Sunday morning, lounging around in bed, feeling furry and loved….
By Kendra Holliday | June 5, 2017
For about six weeks in 2012, which included the entire month of May, I did not shave anything on my body – legs, underarms, pubic area. (my recap video is here.)
This weekend, we had a shave party!
Let me show you the legs first. In this pic, I have one leg shaved – can you tell which one?
Let’s take a closer look:
I was glad to shave my calves – wearing skirts with hairy legs is fine. I loved feeling the breeze tickle the hair. But wearing pants or tights with hairy legs felt CREEPY and annoying.
Next, my crotch.
By Kendra Holliday | May 4, 2017
I’m 44 years old. Here is my life trajectory so far:
1973: I’m born in North Dakota. Brrrr!
1974: My family moves to Dallas, Texas.
1975: Who the hell knows.
1976: My brother is born.
1977: Um, Elvis dies?
1978: My sister is born. My brother throws up. I remember my first dream; I’m kidnapped by Captain Hook and held hostage with Raggedy Ann and Andy. He cuts off my foot and it looks like SpaghettiOs.
1979: My family moves to St. Louis.
1980: My baby brother is born, and dies two days later. My mom tries to kill herself several times, and when that fails, she burns his name into the back of her hand with a soldering iron. She is never the same again. A very dark time.
1981: Life still sucks. My mom is a complete wreck.
1982: My brother is born. My grandmother dies.
1983: I get molested by an older, adopted brother. It SUCKS. I get sent to therapy, and I don’t know why. I think I’m being punished. I am a victim.
1984: I have my first lesbian encounter. It’s hot and naughty. I’m 11.
1985: My baby sister is born. I drop her on her head, but don’t kill her. Skeptical about god’s involvement, I become an atheist.
1986: I hit puberty and middle school, and lose all my artistic talent and confidence. My family is poor white trash, and I am branded a zitty nerd. It sucks.
1987: My mom keeps getting crazier and crazier. It makes me crazy, and I attempt suicide. I spend time in three different mental hospitals. I lose my virginity to a 24 year old creep with a mustache because he keeps badgering me and I finally give in. It sucks.
1988: My moms tries to kill herself again. I put pressure on her slashed, gaping arms as my dad calls the ambulance. She gets hospitalized a lot, and OD’s, and gets shock treatment. I fuck around and feel very confused. It sucks.
By Kendra Holliday | March 30, 2017
I’ve been flitting around so much tying men up and sticking things up their bums and torturing balls, I haven’t had a chance to write much. I miss writing! I have so much I want to share and process.
But in the meantime, I enjoyed a candlelit bath.
Water is female energy, so ritual cleansing is a great way to counter balance all the male energy I deal with.
Yin – female, water, moon, mysterious
Yang – male, fire, sun, overt
Bathing in warm water is like being back in the womb, so pure and comforting. Speaking of, have you tried FLOATing yet? Sensory deprivation chamber. Very meditative, like getting a massage without being touched. I’ve done it three times, and each experience is different. I’ve fallen asleep, had mild hallucinations, sorted thoughts, escaped from reality…
By Kendra Holliday | February 27, 2017
I’m SO behind on updating this damn website!!
I have posts in draft and adventures to share, but they keep stacking up as I keep putting out fires (menopause hormones!), attending events, and playing with clients.
The pic above was taken by my friend Mike Estes at Naughti Gras, an erotic art show that happens every Feb in St Louis. This year was the 10th one, and it was better than ever!
Mike built that super deluxe cross I’m chained to, and guess what? After the show, I got to take it home! It’s in my dungeon, hooray! It has really good energy – so many sexy people posed with it at the show, from burlesque dancers to fire breathers and fetish freaks.
It’s been years since I’ve done a shoot with Mike. He documented my Coming Out party, as well as a few other events.
Red seems to be the theme color…
By Kendra Holliday | February 13, 2017
Since you asked… here is a list of some of my favorite things:
Cash, of course!
Wouldn’t it be awesome if the gas, water and electric companies offered gift certificates? What would be more loving than gifting someone with a hot bath, a home cooked meal, or cooling or heating?
Amazon gc – send gift certificates to firstname.lastname@example.org – I looooove books so much! And they sell pretty much everything else.
GiftRocket online gift card – versatile and easy!
Whole Foods gc – or Trader Joe’s, Global Foods, Dierberg’s, Schnucks local grocery stores. I don’t eat mammals or birds, but I do eat seafood, veggies, fruit….I love ethnic food like sushi, Indian, Vietnamese, Ethiopian
A donation to
Planned Parenthood – because I believe in accessible health care.
Worldwide Fistula Fund – The Worldwide Fistula Fund is an incubator, funder, and promoter of innovative solutions to improve global women’s reproductive health.
Etsy gc – support artists!
Target gc – I’m a sucker
Flowers and gifts from Fleur de Lou – they sell lots of sexy and kinky flower arrangements, and also have whimsical gifts. I like when flowers last more like a week as opposed to three days, so the hardier ones are better, though I do like roses and fleeting exotic flowers like orchids. My favorite color rose is the peachy one with blush tones. I don’t like pink as much and I can’t stand the smell of cloying lilies, too funeral home. I keep my flowers in my dining room, which has green walls and lots of colorful jewel tones. Daisies, carnations, sunflowers are great. I like colorful.
Soft Surroundings gc – I looove soft clothes and blankets!
Earthbound gc – hippie fashion!
Shoes – size 7, no sandals
Mystic Valley gc – for my witchy things!
Cheryl’s Herbs gc – more healing magical opportunities! I got a scent there called Goddess…
Shameless Grounds gc – one of my favorite places in St Louis!
Godiva milk chocolate and truffle assortments
DeBrand is even finer, but is based in Fort Wayne IN and worth a goddamn road trip!
Merb’s milk chocolate covered strawberries is local and scrumptious
Soaprocks – these are so cool!
Demeter – they sell so many fun scents, some of my favs are New Leaf, Firefly, Grapefruit Tea, Sushi, Silvery Pekoe, New Zealand, Pipe Tobacco, Leather…
Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab – just look at this website!! I have a scent called Bewitched…
FLOAT gc – I love FLOAT, it’s like being in the womb, getting a massage without being touched. You should try it, too!
Massage – my baby sis is my massage therapist, she is excellent! You can sponsor a massage for me, or book one for yourself! She’s located in South City. If I know you in real life, I’m happy to refer you.
Victoria’s Secret – I tend to wear a medium, but sometimes L depending on the style and brand, 36B. My body is average (5′ 4″, 140 lbs) but my mind is extraordinary! I don’t like thongs or g-strings. I prefer timeless and VINTAGE looks over trendy – black, bright colors, jewel tones
Liquor – Bombay Sapphire / Beefeater / Tanqueray gin, Maker’s Mark whisky, bourbon galore, Ketel One / Grey Goose / Belvedere / Sobieski vodka, Kraken rum, American Honey, peach brandy, Chardonnay, champagne, or any other premium liquor brand you want me to experience
I also like coffee, tea, and Kombucha.
How about you? What are some of your favorite things?
By Kendra Holliday | February 1, 2017
You know how they talk about baggage, being in the closet, etc.?
Everyone has baggage – daddy issues, mommy issues, family pain, abandonment issues, trust issues, inexperienced issues, break up trauma, secrets, shame, guilt, neglect, abuse, loss, betrayal, injury, fear, rejection…
I like to pretend our head is an attic, and our brain is an old fashioned trunk, crammed full of stuff we’ve collected from our travels.
Space is really tight, and the stuff is jammed in there.
So, I propose this exercise to my clients.
Find the key that opens the trunk.
Open that trunk up.
Now, take ALL the stuff out of it – toss it around the room.
Examine each article – is it a piece of clothing? Is it a toy? Is it wrinkled? Is it moldy? Does it still fit? Do you want to keep it?
Address and assess each item. Acknowledge why it’s in your trunk, and decide if it’s something you want to hang on to.
By Kendra Holliday | December 25, 2016
End of the year recap!
Who here is glad to be done with 2016?
And I didn’t even have that bad of a year – I mainly watched other people’s loved one’s die and shitty world news and election travesty…
I can easily recall bad things, but if I think a little harder, I can conjure some really amazing memories this year –
Going to the cabin
Spending time with people who are no longer alive
Hosting fun events – Shameless Grounds, clothing optional pool party, sex worker workshops, sissy tea party, Fleshtivus!
Road trip with Sex Positive St Louis crew to Chicago CatalystCon
Tantra training in NYC!
A quick jaunt to Texas…
Fun with family – my daughter, partner, siblings and partners are still alive and well
New dishwasher, washing machine, and dryer – so many gifts and blessings thanks to my clients and loved ones
Another trip to NYC and the Poconos!
Lots and LOTS and LOTS of sexy time! Tantra, long distance clients visiting, devirginizing, fetish facilitation and roleplay realized….
And another year of good health – no serious illnesses or STIs, hooray!
And so many loved ones, a roof over my head, food in my belly.
Want to hear something funny?
By Kendra Holliday | December 23, 2016
You know what gives a sex worker a serious case of frosty burnout? An onslaught of timewasters and disrespectful horny men.
It’s winter now, and I’ve been dealing with a bone chilling, relentless dick blizzard.
It’s enough to make my pussy FRIGID.
Baby, it’s cold outside. Don’t be all rapey, virtual, or otherwise.
I feel like I’m doing the heavy lifting. Other women are opting out – they’re had enough and are done with dick – which makes more men cluster up, desperate and eager, their testosterone levels sloshing out and flinging on anyone they can access.
If you want to warm a woman up, make her feel comfortable and respected.
If you want to wear a woman out, be pushy and insensitive.
Believe me, I LOVE sex and men and doing what I do, but when it comes to the creepers, it goes like this:
On the twelfth day of Christmas
my horny fans sent to me:
12 Dicks Drumming
Eleven Pricks Piping
Ten Dicks a Leaping
Nine Dongs Dancing
Eight Dicks a Milking
Seven Dicks a Swimming
Six Cocks a Laying
Five Golden DIIIIIIICKS
Four Calling Dicks
Three French Dicks
Two Turtle Dicks
and a Penis in a Pear Tree.
Now repeat twelve times.
Merry Dickmas, Everyone!
Luckily, I get a boner break – I’ll be on vacation Dec 26-Jan 10. First Hogwarts in Orlando with my daughter, and then Iceland with my partner! I’m excited to see magical landscapes and the Northern Lights!
And then I will return, refreshed and ready to rendezvous again! See you next year!
By Kendra Holliday | December 7, 2016
I offer sex and relationship consulting, and I’m happy to say that I’ve been getting more women, LGBT folks, and couples these days. Historically, most of the people who have sought me out for my unique services have been men who crave female energy.
The Top 5 reasons why people contact me are, in this order:
1. He’s a married man in his 50’s or 60’s whose wife is not interested in sex (mismatched libido)
2. He/she/they have some sort of sexual issue they want to work through, such as inexperience, anxiety, or orgasm/penis problems (Erectile Dysfunction is a common complaint – it can get complex when you heap social conditioning and anxiety on top of the natural aging process.)
3. He/she/they are interested in branching out sexually, either because they are in transition, not getting laid, or curious about alternative lifestyle options (non-monogamy, BDSM, sex work, etc.)
4. He has a fetish and is ashamed/seeking an outlet
5. They want to meet me, and possibly rub me for good luck
My goal is to offer tools, connections, and non-traditional options so that the people seeking me out can reach their goal of becoming happier and healthier. My approach is unconventional, and I get referrals from licensed sex therapists. I’m pretty well connected and have a strong network. Sex is my specialty, which ties into work, family, personal – everything!
Here is a list of resources I most often recommend to my clients: