By Kendra Holliday | December 28, 2018
Category Archives: Random Bullshit
Last year, I announced that I’m an alcoholic. But after all the research I’ve done, I’ve decided I don’t care for the word “alcoholic.”
Instead, I’ve accepted the fact that I have alcohol addiction.
From the book, Alcohol Explained, by William Porter:
“What has been learned can never be unlearned. Alcohol addiction is created when the subconscious mind knows that the one cure for the ill effects of alcohol can be remedied by more alcohol.”
In other words, you can turn a cucumber into a pickle, but a pickle can never become a cucumber again.
So, some of us are cucumbers, and some of us are pickles. There are a lot more pickles out there than you think! Sadly, I am a pickle. 🙁
I believe that anyone can become addicted to alcohol. My setup was the perfect storm – I’ve been self-employed for the past three years, so I had a flexible schedule. I hang out with drinkers. I love social drinking, but I also took to stress drinking due to family problems, and if you do that, you get addicted faster. Also, I’m a woman, and female bodies handle alcohol differently. For instance, even though no amount of alcohol is safe to consume, if you’re going to imbibe in moderation, the recommended amount for women is nine drinks a week, versus fourteen drinks for men.
I also learned that adding alcohol on top of my menopause symptoms was like putting gasoline on a fire.
So, here I am. I know I should quit drinking permanently, but I’m still messing around with it. I stop drinking for a set amount of time – say, 30 days or 90 days, and then try moderating, which turns into daily drinking. I can’t moderate. I’ve tried. I can easily down 4-8 drinks A DAY. Yikes!
Well, not this month! I’m celebrating Drycember by sharing a gift every day. I’m also SUPER excited about a new concept happening here in St Louis – there’s a dive bar that is AF (alcohol free) every Sat night! It’s called Pop’s Blue Moon. I’ve been once so far, and can’t wait to go again.
For now, please enjoy my Drycember gifts, I’ve listed them below!
My partner Matthew has been getting me these tea calendars for years. The creator is BlueMoonstone on Etsy. I love traditions! Every morning, I take a pic of the tea and send it to him. Pineapple, Earl Grey, Strawberry Cheesecake, Ginger, Spearmint… mmm!
Drycember first gift: a tea advent calendar! 🎄 pic.twitter.com/e6fhkY1ku0— Kendra Holliday 😻 (@TBK365) December 1, 2018
By Kendra Holliday | November 9, 2018
I’m 45 years old, turning 46 on Mar 23! Here is my life trajectory so far:
1973: I’m born in North Dakota. Brrrr!
1974: My family moves to Dallas, Texas.
1975: Who the hell knows.
1976: My brother is born.
1977: Um, Elvis dies?
1978: My sister is born. My brother throws up. I remember my first dream; I’m kidnapped by Captain Hook and held hostage with Raggedy Ann and Andy. He cuts off my foot and it looks like SpaghettiOs.
1979: My family moves to St. Louis.
1980: My baby brother is born, and dies two days later. My mom tries to kill herself several times, and when that fails, she burns his name into the back of her hand with a soldering iron. She is never the same again. A very dark time.
1981: Life still sucks. My mom is a complete wreck.
1982: My brother is born. My grandmother dies.
1983: I get molested by an older, adopted brother. It SUCKS. I get sent to therapy, and I don’t know why. I think I’m being punished. I am a victim.
1984: I have my first lesbian encounter. It’s hot and naughty. I’m 11.
1985: My baby sister is born. I drop her on her head, but don’t kill her. Skeptical about god’s involvement, I become an atheist.
1986: I hit puberty and middle school, and lose all my artistic talent and confidence. My family is poor white trash, and I am branded a zitty nerd. It sucks.
1987: My mom keeps getting crazier and crazier. It makes me crazy, and I attempt suicide. I spend time in three different mental hospitals. I lose my virginity to a 24 year old creep with a mustache because he keeps badgering me and I finally give in. It sucks.
1988: My moms tries to kill herself again. I put pressure on her slashed, gaping arms as my dad calls the ambulance. She gets hospitalized a lot, and OD’s, and gets shock treatment. I fuck around and feel very confused. It sucks.
By Kendra Holliday | September 12, 2018
I LOOOVE podcasts. Do you listen to any? I hear that only 1 in 5 people do. They’re SUCH a wealth of information, community and connection.
Below are podcasts I’ve been featured on – the most recent is at the top.
July 8, 2018: Ethical Society of St. Louis: When You Wish Upon a Star: What We All Truly Desire
August 20, 2017: About Sex with Angela Skurtu: Thorn and her Mother Kendra Holliday – Asexuality, Raising a Child to be Sex Positive – A Teen’s Perspective
August 2, 2017: Family Affairs: Sex-Positive Parenting, featuring Sex Worker Kendra Holliday and her 16 year old daughter!
July 23, 2017: About Sex with Angela Skurtu: Sex Surrogate Kendra Holliday and her partner Matthew discuss Polyamory, Masculinity, and anything Kinky
July 16, 2017: About Sex with Sex Therapist Angela Skurtu: Sex Surrogacy with Kendra Holliday and her partner Matthew
April 25, 2017: 057: BDSM: Shame, Humiliation, & Funnel Cakes
I had so much fun discussing creative sex play and humiliation with host Ben Robbins.
This one followed up an interview we did a month earlier.
March 25, 2017: 054: Escorting, Specialty Fetish and Non-Traditional Sex Therapy
Ah yes, good times!
Strangers podcast was by far the most popular one, where I talk about Sex Surrogacy.
April, 2016: Sexistential
Host Lea Thau visited me at my home. It was a nice change having a microphone stuck in my face instead of a penis, LOL!
March 28, 2011: Interview with Sex is Fun, all about my painful coming out process as a sex-positive activist.
October, 2010. Another interview about my coming out, this time with Life on the Swingset, right as it was happening.
October, 2010. This one is all about anal! with Life on the Swingset. I love how Cooper Beckett was celebrating pegging back before it was all the rage!
Those are all the ones I remember. I’ll keep this post updated with any new interviews. I’d love to have my own podcast, but I know how much time and energy it takes.
What are your favorite sex or human interest podcasts? Are there any you’d like to see me featured on?
I like Guys We Fucked, RISK!, Savage Lovecast, The Intimate Lifestyle, HiPPiE WiTCH, and Death, Sex and Money. One I just learned about is The Manwhore Podcast – he recently conducted an interview with an erotic massage sex worker as he received a happy ending! Another one new to me is The Mental Illness Happy Hour – the host often covers sexual shame and secret fantasies. It gets pretty deep. Check out the survey section on his website!
By Kendra Holliday | July 29, 2018
Years ago, I made it a point to post five blog entries a week.
Nowadays, I’m more prone to moving old posts to the top of the home page whenever the topic is requested or relevant. It’s pretty easy to do, since I have over 600 posts – some of them I forgot I even wrote!
But I keep wanting to write about new experiences – sharing is helpful for others, and it’s therapeutic for me. Life keeps zipping along in a blur! I still want to write about the medical-themed play party I hosted in March! It was such a mindfuck.
Here are some other topics on my list:
Wheel of Consent Training – shamans, witches, empaths, consent and power of touch, fruit, symbolism
The Pull of the Moon
Under Attack – SESTA FOSTA
It’s You. It’s Me.
Love, Sweat and Tears menopause documentary review
Recap of Tantra workshop
Reveling in my latest threesomes
Updates on my daughter, parents, struggle with booze
Last month, I gave a talk at The Ethical Society on Desire (they will post a recording of it online soon). The very next day, Huffington Post published an interview with me about the work I do, and it generated a LOT of interest! And then this morning, I presented a workshop on sex and disabilities at the AASECT Summer Institute at Washington University.
In between all of that, I’ve been seeing clients, some local, some from out of state. Every week is different, with its own set of challenges and rewards.
Oh, and one more thing – I’ve been experiencing psychotic episodes.
I’ve touched on this before – the past couple years have been intense with a shift in my hormones. It’s like I’m going through puberty again. I’m very sensitive, and when I get too stressed or overwhelmed, I have a breakdown. I lose touch with reality.
This has happened about six times in the past 18 months. I go from cranky and irritable to a full-blown maelstrom of emotions – all I can do is hang on and ride it out. It’s better to lean into it than to fight it.
By Kendra Holliday | July 24, 2018
I’ve been having lots of national speakers (Joan Price! Marty Klein!), friends, and esteemed clients travel to St Louis to see ME or attend conferences, events or fulfill prestigious speaking engagements, and they often ask me what St Louis has going on.
Well, let me tell you – there’s A LOT going on between the legs of The Arch!
From the honorary sex-positive Ambassador and Queen Whore Madame of St Louis, here are my suggestions!
The City Museum downtown is the MUST SEE place in St Louis. TRUST ME AND EVERYONE ELSE AND GO THERE. You can climb around and explore so many levels – from the rooftop to the underground caves! Listen to my friend Max talk about the interactive features of this hardcore unique museum. Kids love this place, and so do adults. (Pssst, there are nooks and crannies for getting injured, or a little nookie with your sweetheart if you’re lucky!) Seriously, I love taking people there. Every time I explain it to them on the way there, they say, “yeah we have something like that in our city”, and then when they get there, they shit their pants and I feel crazyproudsmug. 🙂
Shameless Grounds is a rare gem – we are SO happy to have it! It’s a sex-positive community space and coffee shop. The food is really good! They host so many great events and have a sex library! (Psst – look for the wall of beautiful vulvas backlit above the bookshelves 😉 ) Be sure and check out their calendar while you’re in town, and while you’re at it, check out SEX+STL calendar, too. We cross pollinate all the time, and the entire community benefits!
And while you’re in the neighborhood, go pay your respects to the Anheuser-Busch Clydesdales. Not only are they spectacular beasts, but they offer better hospitality than most people — free beer!
If you have a car (public transportation is NOT the best in St Louis, but now we have Uber and Lyft!), drive around the city and marvel at all the green and red – so many trees and brick buildings. Beautiful architecture. There’s even a documentary on St Louis BRICKS by my friend Bill Streeter!
HOLY SHIT – did you know that most of our attractions in beautiful Forest Park are FREE?! You just have to be aware of $Parking$, incidentals, and Special Exhibits.
If you like art, you better get your ass to our incredible Art Museum. Be sure and say hi to my boyfriend (he may or may not practice Responsible Hedonism…):
When I used to strip on the East side back when I was 19, I would often be driving to “work”, feeling a sense of dread, then I would declare a silent scream FUCK IT, and bust a U-turn and spend the day at the glorious Art Museum instead. One placed sucked my soul, the other place nourished it…
I like taking different people to the museum and pretending it’s a giant Art Mart, and we get to pick one thing out of each gallery. I’ll say in a loud voice, “Where are the price tags on these things?!”
But whatever you do, DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING in the museum, unless maybe a toilet seat. Otherwise, the security guard stationed next to every piece of art will cut you.
The History Museum is nice, if you’re into that kind of thing. They had a fun Prohibition exhibit a while back, as well as one on Lingerie throughout the decades. And Little Black Dresses! And toys! They have a great marble selection in their gift shop! I have a lot of them in my bedroom…
I took this pic at the History Museum!
And if you like history, The Campbell House Museum downtown is splendid.
Our ZOO is one of the best. Every year, they update a section so it is better for the animals, and fun for all us gawkers. One of these days, they will get around to the lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
Get your geek on at the Science Center. They’ve featured some really fun exhibits in the past, like Bodyworlds, Dr Who, and Sherlock Holmes.
Beautiful Tower Grove Park is right next door, and has the most variety of trees in the city.
By Kendra Holliday | July 2, 2018
Since you asked… here is a list of some of my favorite things:
Cash, of course!
Wouldn’t it be awesome if the gas, water and electric companies offered gift certificates? What would be more loving than gifting someone with a hot bath, a home cooked meal, or cooling down/heating up?
Amazon gc – send gift certificates to firstname.lastname@example.org – I looooove books so much! And they sell pretty much everything else.
GiftRocket online gift card – versatile and easy!
Whole Foods gc – or Trader Joe’s, Global Foods, Dierberg’s, Schnucks local grocery stores. I don’t eat factory farm mammals or birds, but I do eat seafood, veggies, fruit….I love ethnic food like sushi, Indian, Vietnamese, Ethiopian
A donation to
Planned Parenthood – because I believe in accessible health care.
Worldwide Fistula Fund – The Worldwide Fistula Fund is an incubator, funder, and promoter of innovative solutions to improve global women’s reproductive health.
Etsy gc – support artists!
Target gc – I’m a sucker
Flowers – I like when flowers last more like a week as opposed to three days, so the hardier ones are better, though I do like roses and fleeting exotic flowers like orchids. My favorite color rose is the peachy one with blush tones. I don’t like pink as much and I can’t stand the smell of cloying lilies, too funeral home. I keep my flowers in my dining room, which has green walls and lots of colorful jewel tones. Daisies, carnations, sunflowers are great. Did I mention I like colorful?
Soft Surroundings gc – I looove soft clothes and blankets!
Earthbound gc – hippie fashion!
Shoes – size 7, no sandals
Mystic Valley gc – for my witchy things!
Cheryl’s Herbs gc – more healing magical opportunities! I got a scent there called Goddess…
Shameless Grounds gc – one of my favorite places in St Louis!
Godiva milk chocolate and truffle assortments
DeBrand is even finer, but is based in Fort Wayne IN and worth a goddamn road trip!
Merb’s milk chocolate covered strawberries is local and scrumptious
Soaprocks – these are so cool!
Demeter – they sell so many fun scents, some of my favs are New Leaf, Firefly, Grapefruit Tea, Sushi, Silvery Pekoe, New Zealand, Pipe Tobacco, Leather…
Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab – just look at this website!! I have a scent called Bewitched…
FLOAT gc – I love FLOAT, it’s like being in the womb, getting a massage without being touched. You should try it, too!
Massage – my baby sis is my massage therapist, she is excellent! You can sponsor a massage for me, or book one for yourself! She’s located in South City. If I know you in real life, I’m happy to refer you.
Victoria’s Secret – I tend to wear L, depending on the style and brand, 36B. My body is average (5′ 4″, 140 lbs) but my mind is extraordinary! I don’t like thongs or g-strings. I prefer timeless and VINTAGE looks over trendy – black, bright colors, jewel tones
Liquor – Bombay Sapphire / Beefeater / Tanqueray gin, Maker’s Mark whisky, bourbon galore, Ketel One / Grey Goose / Belvedere / Sobieski vodka, Kraken rum, American Honey, peach brandy, Chardonnay, champagne, or any other premium liquor brand you want me to experience
I also like coffee, tea, and Kombucha.
How about you? What are some of your favorite things?
By Kendra Holliday | June 2, 2018
This dress? I’m sick of it (but thankfully I’m NOT sick of David Wraith!)
It was a loud print, slinky number I got from H&M a few years ago for $30.
Here I am, getting spanked by a big man, back in 2009?
It got some holes in it that I couldn’t figure out how to repair, as the dress was such a wispy material. So one night, I decided it was time to retire it. I couldn’t donate it to Goodwill, so instead of tossing it in the trash (yawn!) I decided to enlist a straight man for some fun. I did the equivalent of waving a red flag at him:
By Kendra Holliday | May 15, 2018
The other day one of my friends on facebook posted:
This question is for the ladies…. would you rather men look at you and say, “your cute”, “your sexy”, or “your beautiful”?
First of all, let’s get this part out of the way.
Over 40 women responded, including me.
Interestingly, the word “beautiful” won by a landslide.
I jumped in right away, declaring, “Sexy hands down. Reverse it: when you look at a man, do you want him to be sexy, cute, or handsome?”
No one had interest in being cute. We were all in our 30’s and 40’s, after all. Cute is for kids and kittens.
As more comments came in, it became clear that in our society, the word “sexy” has negative, superficial connotations.
This was news to me!
I always go around telling people, “I don’t care what my partners look like, as long as they are SEXY.”
To me, sexy comes from personality and confidence. Looking like a fashion model does not make me want to hump someone, but if they are sexy, I want to gobble them up.
Some opined that if a person was beautiful, that automatically made them sexy. I disagree.
In fact, I stated: “Being sexy is about personality and confidence, which comes from within. Not everyone can be beautiful by society’s unrealistic standards, but EVERYONE can be sexy and REAL if they get in touch with their desires.”
Then I realized the name of my blog.
It’s called The Beautiful Kind, not The Sexy Kind.
Should I change it?!
Ha, just kidding about that.
I got the name from my daughter, who came up with it when she was six. And for the record, she was super cute.
By Kendra Holliday | March 25, 2018
I asked readers to suggest sex acts that everyone should try at least once. Now, this list may not be as kinky as you might expect. That’s because I chose to focus on sensualism and intimacy over fear factor stuff.
So, you’ll find a lot of creative vanilla acts, but things like genital torture? Not so much. I was also able to consolidate a lot of things into one entry, such as anal play for rimming, receiving, pegging, etc. This gives you more flexibility when planning out your sex menu.
Thank you to everyone who contributed to this list. Please comment on how many of these things you have done, and what stands out as something you’d like to try soon!
2. mutual masturbation
3. sexual encounter with person of a different gender
4. same sex encounter
5. male-female-male threesome
6. male-female-female threesome
8. using a condom during sex
9. using another form of birth control
10. getting/giving spanking
11. phone sex
13. writing/drawing on your partner
14. combine food and sex in some way
15. sex while being restrained in some way
16. one night stand
18. orgasm three times in one night
19. morning sex
21. afternoon sex
22. middle of the night sex
23. have sex while wearing a costume
24. cross dress
25. give oral sex
26. receive oral sex
27. have sex with a friend
28. wait a long time to have sex with someone you’ve been crushing on
29. get a full body massage (more…)
By Kendra Holliday | March 4, 2018
The following is a list of links that relate to my slideshow presentation Shocking the System: When Your True Life Tales Cross the Line. The presentation was given March 3, 2018 at Shameless Grounds in St Louis, MO, and on March 18 in London at Eroticon.
This list is curated from the more than 600 posts currently published on this blog.
http://thebeautifulkind.com/my-life-milestones/ – quick life review
http://thebeautifulkind.com/fisting-demo-june-13/ – a post featuring friends
http://thebeautifulkind.com/happy-fisting-day/ – another friend post
http://thebeautifulkind.com/rooting-for-owen/ – a post featuring a client
http://thebeautifulkind.com/category/parenting/ posts about parenting
http://thebeautifulkind.com/my-dads-new-penis/ my dad’s penile implant
http://thebeautifulkind.com/a-gun-to-my-head/ gun debacle
http://thebeautifulkind.com/bra-shopping-with-fifi/ Fifi’s Cum Fiesta
https://www.inc.com/news/articles/2010/05/nonprofit-fires-woman-for-blogging-about-sex.html article about being fired
https://www.youtube.com/user/TheBeautifulKind my YouTube channel
http://thebeautifulkind.com/robbing-the-graveyard/ 90 yr old man
http://thebeautifulkind.com/losing-a-client/ Death of Client
By Kendra Holliday | March 2, 2018
Babysitter. When I was 12-16 years old, I babysat a lot. I wasn’t very good at it. Looking back, I feel bad for the parents who trusted me with their homes and children. Sometimes they hired me so they could go on dates, but sometimes they had to work or go to school. I was oblivious to their grind. Some were rich, but some struggled. It was sad seeing them divorce. Nothing bad ever happened on my watch, but I did snoop around their house, eat their food, and made sure the kids followed the rules. As soon as they fell asleep, I would watch Cinemax softcore porn and get all tingly. One thing I did NOT do is steal, and one of the moms accused me of stealing from her kid’s piggy bank! I ran into her ten years later and was able to confront her. It still hurt after all those years. She apologized and told me it was a different babysitter – she just assumed it was me because I was younger. It was good getting closure with her.
Telemarketer. As soon as I turned 16, I got a job selling magazine subscriptions over the phone, facing a wall in a room full of cubicles. It was HELL being a clueless teenager and cold calling people, trying to make them buy something they didn’t need, and getting rejected, hung up on, cussed out. I only lasted a day. I remember thinking, “This is what having a job is like? It SUCKS!”
Salad Bar Attendant at grocery store. A week later, I got a job at a grocery store near my parent’s house, working in the salad bar. I’d sometimes go to school until 3pm, then work at the salad bar from 4-10pm. Sometimes I’d have a Sat or Sun shift that went from 530am-3pm. I wore a polyester uniform and stood in the cold back room for hours, chopping romaine lettuce, pineapples, rinsing slimy kidney beans…I worked there until I was 18, and was glad to be transferred to the bakery where things were warmer, smelled better, and there were cupcakes. During this time, I was an unethical slut and fucking around – one time my jealous boyfriend visited me on my lunch break. He put his hand on my thigh and felt the garter belt and stocking I had on under my polyester pants. BUSTED. I remember the angry flash in his eye, and how my heart raced. I lied to him that I was wearing them to keep warm, when in reality I totally had plans to cheat on him after I clocked out.
Hotel front desk clerk. When I got kicked out of my parent’s house at 18, I was homeless, so after crashing with friends for a while, I found a crappy shotgun house right on Highway 44 with an awful roommate. I didn’t have a car, so I found a job within walking distance – that hotel at Hampton and 44. It used to be a Howard Johnson. I thought it was rather glamorous – I got to work with the pretty ladies. We had one suicide while I was there – he checked in, but he never checked out. I dated the maintenance man who resembled Bruce Springsteen, but it was bad – his penis was damaged from being circumcised later in life after a foreskin injury. The management favored my co-worker who would leave me to watch the desk while she did drug deals in vacant rooms, so I got frustrated and saved money as best I could in order to buy a car.
By Kendra Holliday | February 23, 2018
I offer sex and relationship consulting, and I’m happy to say that I’ve been getting more women, LGBT folks, and couples these days. Historically, most of the people who have sought me out for my unique services have been men who crave female energy.
The Top 5 reasons why people contact me are, in this order:
1. He’s a married man in his 50’s or 60’s whose wife is not interested in sex (mismatched libido)
2. He/she/they have some sort of sexual issue they want to work through, such as inexperience, anxiety, or orgasm/penis problems (Erectile Dysfunction is a common complaint – it can get complex when you heap social conditioning and anxiety on top of the natural aging process.)
3. He/she/they are interested in branching out sexually, either because they are in transition, not getting laid, or curious about alternative lifestyle options (non-monogamy, BDSM, sex work, etc.)
4. He has a fetish and is ashamed/seeking an outlet
5. They want to meet me, and possibly rub me for good luck
My goal is to offer tools, connections, and non-traditional options so that the people seeking me out can reach their goal of becoming happier and healthier. My approach is unconventional, and I get referrals from licensed sex therapists. I’m pretty well connected and have a strong network. Sex is my specialty, which ties into work, family, personal – everything!
Here is a list of resources I most often recommend to my clients:
By Kendra Holliday | January 9, 2018
Here we go again. I thought all my friends, lovers and clients knew, but since I just got ANOTHER ONE… 😫
I do NOT like receiving unsolicited cock shots.
I don’t care if I’m a sex worker.
I don’t care if you got carried away.
I don’t care if I’ve played with your cock.
I don’t care if I’ve had it in my mouth.
I don’t care if you are someone I’ve been fucking with for years, or are brand new and exciting.
I don’t care if you are Barack Obama. (Note: My point is, he would NEVER do that. Anthony Weiner, however, WOULD.)
If you send me a cock shot, it’s like a slap in the face, an instant turn off, and an online assault, and I will fine you $50 and demand an apology if you ever want to interact with me again.
It’s all about comfort and context, people.
I challenge you to comment if you’ve never sent a cock shot, or wish to publicly apologize for sending a cock shot. Or feel completely justified in sending a cock shot.
So, without further ado…
Wanna know the quickest way NOT to get under my skirt?
Think dealbreaker, hard limit, red flag, turn OFF.
OK, besides wearing ugly footwear or torturing small mammals.
Send me an unsolicited cock shot.
Is this what men imagine their cock shot looks like?
Guys. Here is what it really looks like:
By Kendra Holliday | August 18, 2017
I see symbolism in EVERYTHING.
I go through life trying my best to PAY ATTENTION. Adding layers to daily life makes things so much more beautiful, meaningful, and intriguing.
Example 1: Noticing tree branches swaying in the breeze like whispers. What are they saying?
Example 2: Coming home to find a murder of crows in my front yard after buying the ingredients for a dessert I’m making for a Halloween party that’s being held in July.
Example 3: Finding a slug on my foot after walking barefoot in the grass at midnight.
So it’s exciting for me to see an entire country FREAK THE FUCK OUT about the total solar eclipse happening right in my neighborhood.
That means they get it, right??
They’re not AFRAID of it – they are in AWE of it.
The image of the moon cloaking the sun
reminds me of so many other images, including this one of my eyeball taken during LASIK surgery
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017
This SCARY thing started happening to me back in February, and I didn’t know what it was.
I WAS LOSING MY MIND.
My first episode occurred the same day I impulse bought a grandfather clock – how timely!
Have you ever impulse bought anything? This year, here are two things I impulse bought:
a grandfather clock, and a funny shaped sweet potato.
I like blaming my daughter for the goddamn limited edition Howard Miller heirloom clock. We stopped by a furniture store that was going out of business. I was looking for candles or something. I saw a wall of grandfather clocks and mentioned casually to my daughter, “My great uncle used to build grandfather clocks. I’ve always wanted one.”
That’s why I have one in my dollhouse, as well as a roll top desk. My grandfather had a roll top desk. I never imagined I would have either of those things in real life, any more than I can imagine myself owning an orange muscle car or 5 bedroom house for hosting orgies. They are too fancy and expensive.
My daughter marched right up to the salesperson and said, “Would you please help my mother? She wants to buy a clock.”
I sputtered in protest, but decided to find out the price. It was 50% off, so I went ahead and YOLO’ed and got it.
After I bought it, I felt the same anxiety I get after I book a ticket to Europe. WHAT HAVE I DONE? IT’S SUCH A COMMITMENT!