By Kendra Holliday | November 21, 2017
Category Archives: Relationships
I offer sex and relationship consulting, and I’m happy to say that I’ve been getting more women, LGBT folks, and couples these days. Historically, most of the people who have sought me out for my unique services have been men who crave female energy.
The Top 5 reasons why people contact me are, in this order:
1. He’s a married man in his 50’s or 60’s whose wife is not interested in sex (mismatched libido)
2. He/she/they have some sort of sexual issue they want to work through, such as inexperience, anxiety, or orgasm/penis problems (Erectile Dysfunction is a common complaint – it can get complex when you heap social conditioning and anxiety on top of the natural aging process.)
3. He/she/they are interested in branching out sexually, either because they are in transition, not getting laid, or curious about alternative lifestyle options (non-monogamy, BDSM, sex work, etc.)
4. He has a fetish and is ashamed/seeking an outlet
5. They want to meet me, and possibly rub me for good luck
My goal is to offer tools, connections, and non-traditional options so that the people seeking me out can reach their goal of becoming happier and healthier. My approach is unconventional, and I get referrals from licensed sex therapists. I’m pretty well connected and have a strong network. Sex is my specialty, which ties into work, family, personal – everything!
Here is a list of resources I most often recommend to my clients:
By Kendra Holliday | September 8, 2017
There’s a new non-monogamy book coming out October 6, and guess what? I wrote the Foreword!
It’s Called “Polyamory”: Coming Out About Your Nonmonogamous Relationships, by Tamara Pincus and Rebecca Hiles (Thorntree Press).
Below is my Foreword. You can pre-order the book now.
The year I came out was one of the most challenging in my life.
I was a divorced, white, bisexual cisgender woman who shared custody with my ex-husband. It was 2010 in St Louis, MO, the belt buckle of the bible belt. My daughter was 10. I owned my own home in a quiet suburban neighborhood. I had just gotten a new job at a non-profit organization.
I thought I had the best of both worlds – by day I was a dutiful employee with good posture, proper grammar, and dressed from head to toe in layers of conservative clothes. By night, I was a live nude sex blogger, anonymously documenting my polyamorous life, never putting my face or name to the blog that’s motto was: “Be open and honest.”
I was already out to my partners and daughter, but not to my family and the community.
Through a technology glitch that connected my identity to my blog, my employer discovered my online musings, and it inflamed them. The top blog post at the time featured a threesome story with our girlfriend.
When they fired me, it was swift and severe. I hadn’t even had a chance to take off my coat when I walked into the office before the boss summoned me, her face a mask of fury.
Alarmed, I followed her to the room, where she closed the door and turned on me, icy eyes ablaze.
April 27, 2010 was the last time I was successfully slut shamed.
“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?” she hissed. “You’re acting like a 14 year old!”
I left the building, cheeks flushed, heart racing, completely stunned and cut loose. In an instant, I went from being a model employee to a monster.
By Kendra Holliday | August 30, 2017
|Like an ocean, love can be
expansive and fluid
Ed Note: This article was orginally published in July 2011 on BlogHer.
My partner and I have the perfect relationship. For us, anyway. We’ve been together for nine years. We’re not married, but are in a long-term relationship. We do not live together, preferring to keep our households, finances, and families separate. Autonomy suits us well.
To top it all off, we are polyamorous; meaning, our relationship is open, allowing us to experience intimate relationships with other people, such as dating, loving, and exploring sexually. Sometimes we do it together; other times, separately.
Sorry for bragging, but…
We don’t fight. We have amazing chemistry and enjoy an incredibly satisfying sex life. We have matching libidos and desire. We can’t get enough of each other. Our relationship is based on mutual worship and respect, and our number one rule when it comes to dating other people is they need to respect both of us.
Before I knew of polyamory, I thought I was defective and unfit to be in a relationship. After years of disappointing my partners, a series of men who enjoyed playing with the girlfriends I brought home, but freaked at the mere mention of another “sausage in the room,” I resigned myself to remaining single.
Then I met Matthew, who was recently divorced from his wife of ten years. What started out as a happy, traditional monogamous union with Matthew left his wife stifled and miserable. Determined not to repeat those same mistakes again, he took a leap and partnered with me, a renegade female who was in charge of her sexuality and knew what she wanted.
Honoring my atypical outlook on life, Matthew told me he would not hold me to a standard he was not willing to hold himself. So here we are four years later: a polyamorous couple in a sea of monogamy.
Our nation is one of serial monogamy. Polyamory applies the same concept of loving more than one person in a lifetime, the only difference being that these relationships overlap in the case of polyamory, because life is too short.
By Matthew | June 18, 2017
Ed Note: This is a guest post by my partner, Matthew. He is the father of two children.
A couple of weeks ago, I started hearing the yearly buzz of “Father’s Day” gifts, salutations and tributes. I started thinking a bit more in depth on the subject of Fatherhood and what it means to me.
Being a Father is synonymous to me with being a man. I hear so many people speak of “men” they know or have connections with and then start divulging details about these people.
I know women who demand flowers from their husbands as a way of apologizing for an act of relationship treason.
I know women who are dating “men” right now, but speak of nothing but their shortcomings.
I know of “men” whose wives have gotten up and walked away from them while they were eating her pussy.
I know of “men” who don’t make an effort to spend time with their children.
I know of “men” who can’t separate business from pleasure and vice versa.
I know of “men” who are so weak themselves, that they show their “strength” by preying on the eager and ignorant.
I know women who have settled for a “man”.
I know of “men” who live in their mother’s basement.
I know of “men” who can’t dress themselves.
I am sure you know plenty of “men” like this as well.
If a man has children, they are his number one priority.
By Kendra Holliday | November 25, 2016
This holiday season, I’m feeling very nostalgic.
You see, my parents 50th wedding anniversary was this week.
FIFTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE.
My mom is one of the only truly monogamous people I know.
She has only been with one person her entire life.
Isn’t that IRONIC??? I’m the opposite – I’ve been with hundreds of people. I’m SO non-monogamous.
How about you? How many people have you been with? How do you feel about it?
A few years ago, my parents renewed their vows, because they weren’t sure they would make it to their Golden Anniversary.
My veteran dad had open heart surgery in 2005 after retiring from a 30 year career and delving into two more government jobs. So earnest and gullible.
And my mom.
Well, she has had more near death experiences than I can count – childbirth, child death, mother guilt, resentment, confusion, suicide attempts, cutting, bashing, languishing, slicing, dicing, overdosing, psychotic episodes, hallucinating, mania, depression, dumpster diving, dog and people rescuing, child abusing, drug rehab, halfway houses, driving into ditches, crumpled up in closets and outhouses, ER visits, endless falling, bleeding, heart stopping, toxic drug levels…
Life can be fucking brutal.
They are stubborn and of strong stock.
Here is the song that was played at their renewal of vows. My baby sis chose it (she’s 12 yrs younger than me – we span their reproductive love story – it went girl-boy-girl-boy-girl):
I love how the colors start out red, like blood, then blue is added, and it turns purple. Purple is a healing color. Purple is what people could wear after a year of mourning, back in the day.
It reminds me of this song. Yes, I KNOW it’s super cheesy, but it symbolizes so much:
Celine Dion is an angel, overseeing their fate.
Love conquers all.
Here is an image of my parent’s hands in 1966, at their wedding:
By Kendra Holliday | November 12, 2016
This is our sixth year going to The Cabin!
It’s our favorite yearly ritual – stealing away right between the holidays and giving ourselves the best gift – time for just the two of us.
For 72 hours, we’ll be living in our own private universe where time and the internet doesn’t exist. In between all the fucking and frolicking, we’ll stoke the fire and eat cake at 2am, watch a movie, float away in the hot womb of the jacuzzi, listen to music playlists that celebrate different aspects of our lives, sip Maker’s Mark hot toddies at 6am…
Previous years have been epic. Last year was a Beethoven theme. Other themes have been BDSM, Ginger, Videos, Western…
I think this year’s theme will be Game of Thrones…
He is my Sun and Stars… I am the moon of his life.
We’ll be far, far away, experiencing something new, and something positively familiar. We’ve had another whole year to strengthen our bond.
Funny how driving four hours from both our houses feels like coming home.
He wrote this note to me four years ago, and it still holds true:
We need a cabin for a weekend together,
undress beside the ashes of the fire.
Your white gown smells of burning leaves.
It’s cold outside but I penetrate you with heat.
I keep you with every inch of my soul.
I love you.
I hate you.
I AM over you, peering down upon you worn and wet.
Reverting to your fetal shape in a torrent of emotion.
I am the man who defines you.
You are the woman who adores me.
A Burgundy box of worthless treasure in priceless proportions.
I will soak the thorny stem I place on your grave.
I am over you, in ALL ways.
We, Dear Slut, are far from over…..
By Kendra Holliday | April 17, 2016
I’ve had the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies on my shelf for a long time. It tempted me with its mysterious title and sexy cover (I LOVE oysters, and I LOVE my pearl, if you know what I mean).
Well, I finally dusted it off and read it, and it blew my mind, and I’ve been recommending it to people left and right ever since.
Here’s an intro concept from it that should provoke your thoughts:
“There’s a joke that says that when two people have sex, there are six people in bed: the two lovers and the parents of each of them.”
Is that creepy, true, or both? I hope you’re imagining group sex with your parents right now.
A sampling of the MANY interesting points brought up in this book:
– “Sexual excitement requires that we momentarily become selfish. There needs to be a tension between selfishness and caring, between using and pleasing your partner.”
Do you know what this means? Sometimes, when it comes to sex, you need to be ruthless. You need to let go and stop worrying so much about every little move and just focus on the pleasure. YOUR pleasure.
– The difference between guilt and shame: “Guilt involves beliefs that we are hurting others, while shame involves beliefs that we’re exposed and unworthy in the eyes of others.”
– “When people are aggressive or cruel in their sexual daydreams or practices, it is not because they are primarily sadistic but because they are trying to solve a problem.”
– Have you ever known a woman who is really bitchy toward her male partner? He’s such a nice guy, he tries so hard to cater to her wants and needs, yet she treats him like an annoying puppy? This book explains the reason behind that lopsided dynamic.
– Survivor guilt and unconscious parental jealousy is behind a lot of the issues we face with our parents. Have you ever wondered why someone would start drinking heavily when they became successful in their field? Or why some parents sabotage their kids and excessively criticize instead of support them in their endeavors? This book goes into the details behind those perplexing behaviors, and much more.
By Kendra Holliday | March 19, 2016
Some people do monogamy just fine.
Other people find themselves desiring more than one person, and they either suppress those feelings, or they break up with their partner and practice serial monogamy.
Or, they allow intimate relationships to overlap, either by cheating or engaging in ethical non-monogamy.
Ethical non-monogamy can still be quite limiting, depending on the agreed upon guidelines.
For example, I’ve met women who say they are polyamorous/in an open relationship, then qualify it to mean she has a boyfriend and they are both allowed to be with women, as long as he is present. And no boys allowed.
I used to be in relationships like this! I thought it was really annoying and unfair. And it kept happening, over and over. I couldn’t escape it.
I call this phenomenon OBS – Opportunistic Boyfriend Syndrome; dudes who take advantage of their awesome, open-minded bisexual girlfriends. The guys I was with were all down with fucking my girlfriends and male-female-female threesomes and me allowing their wildest fantasies to come true, but the double standard kicked in as soon as I’d ask to fuck one of their male friends. It seemed selfish and one-sided to me. They would tell me, “But you’re bisexual, so it’s okay to have this arrangement, and really, I’m being nice and you should be grateful.”
Finally I got so fed up with this hypocrisy that I swore off committing to any man, since apparently no person with balls could handle my wildest fantasies. Nope. Just his.
By Kendra Holliday | July 30, 2015
(For some background on polyamory, please read my article Love Like An Ocean: Diving Deep Into Polyamory.)
My partner and I have been together for more than seven years.
We first met July 2007, at a friend’s wedding. We are in a long-term, committed open relationship. We started our relationship open. We don’t live together – we keep our families, homes, and finances separate. We see each other about 2 or 3 times a week. We are open to countless possibilities when it comes to sharing intimacy with other people. We deeply enjoy and appreciate our non-traditional relationship.
But it certainly isn’t a reckless free-for-all. In order to keep it healthy and drama-free, we constantly communicate with each other to ensure ways we can exercise our freedom while operating on mutual respect.
Outlined below is an arrangement that works for us.
It can be difficult balancing everything, but this is how we prioritize:
3. Our relationship
4. The people we are dating/close relationships
Sometimes we will date a person or couple once or twice, or just for a weekend when they come visit. Sometimes we will date a person or couple for a few months or longer. Usually lives change and shift so much that we ebb and flow into things naturally. It feels very fluid. We can date other people solo, or together.
By Matthew | June 5, 2015
I love to flirt, and women seem to enjoy flirting back. The casual fun flirting is a blast, and I enjoy it. But I never know if they want to move from fun flirting to something more serious.
I’ve tried a few times to make the change to serious flirting, and found out I was wrong, and screwed up friendships. So for the past few years, I just automatically default to “it’s just for fun” and don’t even try to “make a move.”
So I guess what I’m asking is – is there any good indication that a woman is interested in moving the flirting from “just for fun” to something with more intent? What Are Best Practices for Men Flirting With Women?
I’m going to turn this one over to Matthew! Now, this is a man who is not into tricking or manipulating other people.
He takes “master pickup artists” and picks them up and tosses them in the dumpster.
He practices open and honest communication.
He doesn’t have a GQ model body, but he has the confidence of Zeus.
He realizes that not every woman wants to be with him, and HE’S OK WITH THAT. He’s only interested in being with women who are genuinely into him. Somehow, he manages to play the situation so that he KNOWS the woman is desperate to get to his cock. At least, that’s how he played me. For months. The bastard! Sigh, I’m hooked.
Take it away, Matthew….
This is a great question and I am going to address it on a number of levels. Specifically to your question, first and foremost what comes to mind is an encounter I had with a woman some time ago.
By Kendra Holliday | May 28, 2015
I’m really at a cross roads in my marriage due to mismatched libidos. My husband has a higher drive for “vanilla” stuff. I’ve told my husband about some of my kinks and he’s weirded out, even by things I consider pretty banal, like using a vibrator during sex. He’s kinda judgy about anything that isn’t penetrative sex.
I told him I wanted an open relationship but that did not go down well. I’m 29, he’s 34, we’ve been together 6 years. We never had a honeymoon period, sexually.
I’ve told him we should be doing these things while were young. If we don’t do these things with eachother they’re never going to happen.
I can picture myself in my minds eye, aged 50, frustrated and celibate.
I haven’t been vague in communicating what I want. Anyway the sorts of fantasies I’ve shared are forced orgasms, anal, etc. I mostly get off on an exchange of power.
My husband has said all my fantasies seem to revolve around things being done to me and they have the hallmark of someone who has spent a lot of time alone, in their head and they’re not healthy. I honestly think I’d be more up for “regular” sex if I felt my desires were respected or treated with some kind of curiosity. At present we have sex about once a month when I can manage to work myself up with my fantasies.
I do love my husband. We’re great friends and we have so much in common. But this is my number one frustration. The ridiculous part is my husband resents that I’m not ready and willing to fuck more than once a month. It’s not for a lack of drive, I’m just bored shitless!
What would you do if you were me?
By Kendra Holliday | May 21, 2015
Would you like to take a peek into my email inbox? I get inquiries like this almost daily. MEN: Please take note.
So I get this email from a random guy:
I just discovered your blog today and would love to meet you. I am a 37 year old male with a great body and a Hugh sex drive. Let’s make it happen!
Glad you like my blog! How did you find it? Let me know if you’d like to schedule a consultation. $60/hr
I came upon it in the RFT. I’d like to get to know you better… What does the consultation entail?
A consultation is $100 for an hour, in a public setting. A way to get to know each other and find out more about you and what you are seeking (I pretty much put everything out there about me, but don’t know anything about you!)
He shoots back:
Eventually, if you decide you want to, I would like you to join my girl friend and me. Is that something we can work towards?
Houston, we have a problem.
By Kendra Holliday | May 12, 2015
I finally read your ebook, The Book of Goddess and loved it! It reminded me of some very important things, especially the section in Chapter 3 about relationships. It helped reaffirm my choices, as well as made me open my eyes a little as to what may be out there.
I have a topic of interest: the single goddess. I have found it incredibly difficult to find a solid partner. I have men and women who come and go, who are OK with our situation for a while, and then things end up sour. I have been with people who have primary relationships and I’ve been their outlet, but they eventually find it’s not something they want to/can continue. It’s been very hard as a single bi poly gal to find a partner who is truly OK with my choices and loves me unconditionally.
I’ve tried to conform to others which has only lead to disaster. I’ve tried to explain my ways to others which only led to disappointment and hurt. I have spent a good portion of the past few years since my divorce working on myself and my happiness, and not finding reciprocation.
I get satisfaction from living my life the way I want to, but I feel something’s missing. It’s a lonely place to be sometimes. I tell myself often that my primary relationship is with myself. And I do believe that – physically, emotionally, and mentally. I still have people in my life who bring me physical, emotional, and mental pleasure as well. But it’s not the same as somebody, one person who is on the same page; who wants me to be happy; whose idea of happiness includes being with me (the real me) as well.
I’m tired of being the third wheel that gets cut from the mix when things get too hairy. I want to be someone’s Number One!
(For those of you who don’t know, I wrote an ebook on female empowerment a few years ago called The Book of Goddess. I’ll be updating and republishing it later this year!)
I totally hear you – you want what I have. You want to be someone’s Number One. You want to be with someone who accepts the fact that you have complex emotional and physical desires. You want an extraordinary man who can handle an extraordinary woman.
Like you, I went through life trying on many men and relationships, and none of them fit right. They loved that I was bi and open-minded, they could handle that part just fine, but they couldn’t handle ALL of me. I felt so guilty, and finally decided I just wasn’t relationship material and needed to remain single.
Then I met Matthew through a mutual friend. He was freshly divorced from a traditional, monogamous marriage. We started out friends and had many deep conversations. What started out as an unlikely match turned out to be a perfect fit.
I don’t think you’ll have much luck finding a great partner if your immediate goal is to audition him for the role of partner. Start off with friendship first. Allow many deep conversations. Get to know each other before jumping in bed. Find out if he is a mature man. Let him get used to the fact that you’re extraordinary. He needs time to process your kinks. If he’s the right match, he’ll warm to them.
It’s fine to try online dating, but I’ve had the most luck meeting people through my network, so keep active and put yourself out there. Look for opportunities outside your normal bubble. Join new groups. If you’ve been invited out that night and you’re really tired, splash some cold water on your face, put on your heels and go out. You just never know. That’s how my good friend met her electric soulmate lover – friends invited her out. She almost passed, but she didn’t, and the rest is female ejaculation history.
You’ll be glad to know that my group SEX+STL offers events for learning, growing, and meeting like-minded people. In the past, Matthew, David Wraith, and Justin, three very different men who have enjoyed great success with women and open relationships, have shared their wisdom and experience. We’ll try and schedule another talk soon.
And remember – the following traits are desirable for ANY healthy relationship: agreeability, confidence, conscientiousness, maturity, and, the trickiest one — being emotionally stable.
By Matthew | March 7, 2015
Some thoughts from my partner of seven years, Matthew…
More and more people are thinking outside the confining cage of social norms these days and exploring the option of opening their relationship. While this is something that can be truly amazing and freeing, there are a number of considerations that should be made piror to, and during, the process.
What kind of door is it that you are about to open? A single or double door? Revolving door? Sliding door? A Security Door? Here is a very short list of some truly important items that you should also think about:
1. Move Slowly
There should be no reason to rush this process. If you find there is a high degree of expedition in your partner’s, or your own, eagerness to open the door, examine it. Do not go forward with the process if one of you is not happy with your current relationship. If the door you are opening is not well adjusted, balanced and oiled; it will not function properly. In other words, someone could get hurt.
|Opening doors can lead to many great things.|
2. Define Guidelines
It is extremely important to discuss limitations and you should certainly have some in place at the onset. These can be any number of things. Perhaps you would only like new partners to use the front door, keeping the back door reserved for yourselves. Safer sex is a must of course. A great way to start the guidline discussion is: Who? What? When? Where? (The “Why?” should have already been discussed by the time you get to setting up guidlines.)
3. Mutual Respect
It is imperative that everyone involved feels respected. From primary partners, to new partners, to potential partners. Don’t slam the door in anyone’s face once you’ve opened it. Of course, you aren’t going open the door to anyone who you don’t think should come in, so there should be no need to slam a door. However, there may be a need to lock it sometime. People who choose not to respect your relationship with your primary should remain outside of the door, knocking.
4. Be Honest
Do not be afraid to acknowledge any feeling you have, no matter how small or silly you may think it is. Those small emotional responses can smolder and turn into a raging fire quickly if they are not placed on the table. One thing that you can be sure of in life, aside from from the fact that you’ll die someday, is that honest, mature communication is always beneficial.
Be prepared to experience being emotionaly uncomfortable at some point, no matter how many times you talk about it, no matter how strong your primary relationship is. Early on, and even sometime after you’ve opened the door, you will naturally long for your primary partner and/or even wonder about the stability of your relationship when they are with someone else. Do not feel like you are doing something wrong, or are inferior. Realize that you are in love and keep being open and honest with each other.
Remember, what you are attempting to do is what so many other people are already doing, except they are climbing through windows. It’s much better to use the door.
By Kendra Holliday | January 5, 2015
Last winter, Matthew and I were at our romantic cabin getaway. We had just fucked and were lounging in front of the fireplace, sipping cocktails contentedly. The cabin closest to us was occupied by a couple also trying to get away from it all. Unfortunately, they weren’t quite succeeding.
They were having a big fight.
Doors slammed. Amidst the commotion, we heard the woman scream, “You fucked someone else last night – I’m not stupid ya know!”
We looked at each other with raised eyebrows.
I drawled, “I’m glad the fact that you fucked someone else last week isn’t ruining OUR vacation.”
“Yeah no shit!” he agreed with a swig of his drink.
We toasted each other.
More drama floated through the trees our way. “I’m leaving!” the man cried, got in the car and drove off. He came back a few minutes later, knocking on the door. “Let me in!” he begged.
I rolled my eyes and joked, “Do you think we should go over there and offer them some relationship advice?”
“Fuck no!” he grunted. “Let them get their own damn copy of Sex at Dawn.”
He was talking about the book, Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality.