By Kendra Holliday | May 3, 2019
Category Archives: Society
Ed Note: This guest post by Lynn Beisner was originally published on RoleReboot. Lynn warns women to always trust their gut. Sometimes the guys we label as “creepy” aren’t sexual predators, they’re just insecure. In her experience, it’s the charming, popular guys who can be the most dangerous.
The recent discussion about creeps has been both encouraging and concerning for me. I am encouraged because I believe that we as women should give ourselves permission to avoid any person or situation for no reason other than that it feels wrong. I also am of the strong opinion that we as women have a duty to warn each other about potentially dangerous situations, which is what we are trying to do when we label a man as a creep. But using the label of creep as a way of warning our fellow women also causes me concern. I worry that we are confusing or conflating creeps with sexual predators. They are two very different creatures and what protects us from one does not protect us from the other.
I can explain the difference best by telling you about two men I have dated. Let me start by telling you about the sexual predator; I call him Mr. Popularity because he was one of the most well-liked men that I have ever known. We worked in the same office high-rise, and it seemed like anywhere on those 32 floors that we went, people knew and liked Mr. Popularity.
When we started dating, I became instantly and bizarrely more popular; it was as if my geekiness was cancelled out by my association with Mr. Popularity. Women suddenly wanted to talk to me—mostly about Mr. Popularity. He had dated other women in our building, and some of them struck up conversations, telling me how much fun they had with Mr. Popularity. One comment that was repeated by every woman was how much he had expanded their sexual boundaries. I suddenly seemed to show up on men’s radar as well once I started dating Mr. Popularity. Many would tell me something along the lines of: “You’ll have a lot of fun dating Mr. Popularity. He is a great guy. But you know that he never gets serious about anyone, right?” Then they would give me their phone numbers for when Mr. Popularity and I stopped dating.
By Kendra Holliday | April 14, 2019
Years ago, I went to a swinger party with an ex. There were six women at the party, and we all had lots of fun. But, to my surprise, when we were driving home, my ex lamented, “I only got to be with four of the women there.”
That’s right – he was dissatisfied with only getting to stick his penis in four of the women’s vaginas that night. He was keeping score!
I’ve noticed other times where I’ve played with a man, and we’ve gotten naked, shared pleasure, had oral, but he left disappointed because he didn’t get to do ALL THE THINGS, i.e., stick his penis in my vagina and have intercourse.
I have clients who spend time with me, and instead of basking in female energy and pleasure, they get bummed if they don’t have an encounter that involves them having an 8 inch penis that remains hard for 45 minutes and drilling me bareback in four different positions.
In other words, they feel let down that they aren’t having sex like they see in mainstream porn.
Meanwhile, I’m having amazing, abundant sex with my partner of 11 years that is leaving us both extremely happy and fulfilled.
You want to know why?
Because we are having CREATIVE SEX. We aren’t having straight sex!
Straight sex is what you see in mainstream porn. It is male centered. It’s penis focused. It’s vigorous and aggressive. It’s filmed for camera angles, and based around the male orgasm. It’s objectifying. It’s GOAL ORIENTED, which can set the stage for unrealistic expectations and A LOT of anxiety. And anxiety is terrible for arousal!
The women in straight porn are often uncomfortable – from the fake eyelashes and bleached hair and garter belts and heels, to the pussy pounding and loud vocalization and money shot in the eye.
Creative sex, on the other hand, is more about pleasure, skinship, being in the moment. It is about savoring the experience.
Straight men crave intimacy and connection, but they seek it out in a rigid way that can set them up for disappointment and failure. Moreover, it can be off putting or dissatisfying to their partners.
Creative sex is more egalitarian, and allows for more pleasure and orgasms for all parties involved.
By Kendra Holliday | February 5, 2019
Here’s the event description:
This event is free and open to all SEX+STL members.
Men – do you wish we had more female members? (Note: as of right now we have more than 4300 members on our Meetup group. I’m guessing it’s ~ 60% men, 40% women.)
Do you wish women were as fired up to get some action as you are?
When you attend our clothing optional events, is it important to you that there’s a decent number of women there?
Do you want to touch and be intimate with women?
Do you ever wonder how to best approach women? Are you successful in your dating endeavors?
Join us as we discuss sex-positive etiquette for men. We’ll give some examples of how NOT to interact with women online, and constructive suggestions on what works better. If you have questions, we have answers!
Please come if you would like to be more successful dating and hooking up with women. Come if you are a woman and want to share your experiences and preferences. Come if you are a man who is successful dating women and have some insight to share. Let’s all learn together and create a truly sex-positive space for everyone!
The reason why we hosted this event is because our female members informed us that they were being contacted by male members with inappropriate messages.
We have a member harassment policy in place. In addition, I made this quick video reminding men that our group is not intended as a dating or hookup site.
Here are examples of approaches that can be perceived as inappropriate:
- Sending members you don’t know a message that you’re looking for sex.
- Attending a happy hour and asking the women there if they will kiss any random man on the street.
- Posting on the discussion board that we should host a penis size contest and make sure there are sexy ladies on hand to judge it.
When women get bombarded with strong questions and messages like that, it turns them off and drives them away.
By Kendra Holliday | December 31, 2018
Do y’all know about Cowboy Ethics?
I keep the book by my bed, right next to the condoms, candles, and lube. It’s like my bible.
It’s also like porn to me – totally sexy. People who possess Cowboy Ethics TURN ME ON.
So, what are these good qualities that make me drool and take notice?
I’m not talking about rodeos and eating steak and slinging guns and chewing tobacco. I do like country music, however – it’s so sentimental! And I LOVE country living – give me a cabin in the woods any day!
Here’s what I’m talking about.
People with Cowboy Ethics are rugged. They are patient. They are passionate. They don’t quit. They have a heightened sense of justice. They do the right thing.
Some people come by their Cowboy Ethics honestly – it’s effortless for them. Others need training, like me! I strive to live by the Code of the West.
Here are the ten tenets – how many of these ring true to you? Which ones do you need to work on?
1. Live each day with courage.
Be brave. Be strong. Conquer your fears. Courage means “to have heart.” Having courage means doing what is right, even when it scares the living daylights out of you. Be true to yourself.
Talking openly and honestly about my intensely personal and kinky sex life, and posting photos of myself naked – right down to my hairy armpits and shaved pussy – being intimate with the world, sharing myself with strangers – that takes courage.
Don’t be a coward. Face your fears. Replace the fear with LOVE.
2. Take pride in your work.
My top three priorities are my daughter, my life’s passion (sex and relationships), and work (making money). Luckily, some of these things overlap. I’m a single mom, so I have to bust a move if I want to take my daughter on a nice trip or splurge on renting a fancy house for a play party.
I take my passion seriously and have pride in my work. I give talks at universities and for medical professionals. I work with licensed sex therapists. I mentor women interested in sex work. I host amazing events. I run a stellar volunteer organization. I absolutely LOVE my work as a counselor and sex surrogate. That is where my true talent lies, and where I make a real difference in people’s lives.
You should always try to leave people, places, and things better than you found them.
It’s good to have more than one way to make money. Be diverse in your skills, but also be an expert in something. Be passionate! What are your top three priorities? What are you passionate about?
By Kendra Holliday | December 24, 2018
Hey, remember when I featured a documentary called Are All Men Pedophiles?
The director, Jan-Willem Breure has a new film out called Do Women Have a Higher Sex Drive?
I got a chance to watch it. It was very thought provoking.
I asked Jan-Willem where he lived, and if women were more in touch with their sexuality there. I asked because there’s definitely some cultural influence at play. I wonder what countries or places are best for women to be more sexually authentic.
He replied, “I live in Holland, the first country to create a female porn channel. However, Dutch women are not that in touch with their sexuality, I find women from warmer countries more open, especially Brazil. The presenter in my film, Cheyenne Lohnen, is half Brazilian.”
Do Women Have a Higher Sex Drive?
sets the stage with examples of equality and how women are rising up in society, despite the patriarchy.
It features a diverse cast of experts, from porn directors to economists to psychologists.
I’ve never had a male orgasm before, but from what I gather, female orgasms seem to be superior – up to 10 times more powerful than male, and more prolific, when given the right circumstances.
Personally, I enjoy a high libido and have a higher level of testosterone than the average woman my age (mid-40’s). I act out ravishing fantasies
via gang bangs, threesomes, and roleplay. I like to joke that I am bi-furious!
In my line of work, I hear from so many men in their 50’s and 60’s who tell me their wife is not interested in sex anymore and never initiates.
BUT so many of my female friends complain bitterly about their low drive male partners!
I recall so many times in past relationships where I stood in the doorway of my ex’s home office, asking for sex. They would have their back to me, at their computers. Frustrated, I would give up, and they would resent me pressuring them. Thankfully, my current partner of ten years and I have well-matched libidos and great communication, so we both get our emotional and physical needs consistently met.
The film talks about a Man Drought: 80% of women like 20% of the men available, whereas men are less selective with who they fuck.
I tell you what – in the United States we have a maturity issue when it comes to men. Men aren’t forced to grow up the way women are, and immaturity is a big turn off for most women. Patriarchy is the fear of the feminine AND mature masculine.
By Kendra Holliday | June 6, 2018
In my experience, sex partners are few and far between. When I do find a partner, relationship drama soon kicks in, and that tarnishes the fun in having sex. I’ve always wanted more sex with more women without all the hassle – a life of sexual freedom and openness, and the joy that comes with it. But alas, it always eludes me.
I appreciate your blog and lifestyle, and I’d like to live a sex life similar to yours. I want to enjoy a sex life with an abundance of attractive women, with a consenting partner, in a way that good partners come towards me without all the games.
I’ve always felt that the key to living the life you want is your mentality or perspective about it. And so my question to you is, what is the mindset of one who lives this sort of life, or the spiritual perspective? What kinds of thoughts prohibit one from living the life? What is the secret to living an abundant sex life?
There is one main thing keeping people from celebrating their sexuality in a free and fun manner – FEAR.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling to other countries, it’s that USA is a very fearful country. We are rife with anxiety and depression, due to all the limitations we impose upon ourselves. And yet, we tout ourselves as a free country.
HA. Very funny. Nice try.
I highly recommend you read The Bonobo Way by Dr Susan Block.
And Decoding Your Kink by Galen Fous MTP.
And, it looks like some of my other book recommendations have helped people! See this heartening note from a reader:
“You and I could probably agree on very little…I’m a Conservative Christian male, in a monogamous relationship with my wife, and I was a virgin until I was married.
And yet, my wife and I have had intimacy issues for many many years. I stumbled onto your site and, at after seeing your Top Sex-Positive Recommendations post, started reading Robert Glover’s book ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy!’. I thought I was going to see my picture in the pages of that book. Almost everything in that book described me perfectly.
Then, also at your suggestion, I started reading ‘Open Her’ by Karen Brody. Not finished with this yet, but again I’m seeing eye-opening revelations.
My relationship with my wife is improving, but I have miles to go before I truly overcome my ‘Nice Guy Syndrome’. I just wanted to thank you for listing these reading materials on your site. You don’t make $ from this, but I can tell that you are truly interested in helping people resolve whatever sexual-relational problems they may have.”
By Kendra Holliday | May 15, 2018
The other day one of my friends on facebook posted:
This question is for the ladies…. would you rather men look at you and say, “your cute”, “your sexy”, or “your beautiful”?
First of all, let’s get this part out of the way.
Over 40 women responded, including me.
Interestingly, the word “beautiful” won by a landslide.
I jumped in right away, declaring, “Sexy hands down. Reverse it: when you look at a man, do you want him to be sexy, cute, or handsome?”
No one had interest in being cute. We were all in our 30’s and 40’s, after all. Cute is for kids and kittens.
As more comments came in, it became clear that in our society, the word “sexy” has negative, superficial connotations.
This was news to me!
I always go around telling people, “I don’t care what my partners look like, as long as they are SEXY.”
To me, sexy comes from personality and confidence. Looking like a fashion model does not make me want to hump someone, but if they are sexy, I want to gobble them up.
Some opined that if a person was beautiful, that automatically made them sexy. I disagree.
In fact, I stated: “Being sexy is about personality and confidence, which comes from within. Not everyone can be beautiful by society’s unrealistic standards, but EVERYONE can be sexy and REAL if they get in touch with their desires.”
Then I realized the name of my blog.
It’s called The Beautiful Kind, not The Sexy Kind.
Should I change it?!
Ha, just kidding about that.
I got the name from my daughter, who came up with it when she was six. And for the record, she was super cute.
By Kendra Holliday | May 13, 2018
To Catch a Creeper –
I’ve been very good friends with Cap’n Marrrk and his wife ever since I met him online five years ago. At first we were email pals, but then I had an emergency – I had to vacate the guy I was living with’s house immediately and was homeless. I put a plea out, and Mark showed up to help. We’ve been fast friends ever since.
Here is what he has to say about reaching out to women online.
“I read Melissa’s article in XO Jane etitled ‘Please Don’t Send me a Picture of your Weiner and No, I Don’t Want to Meet Up’ and it got me thinking several unpleasant truths about myself that have been swirling around my head for the last few days.
To wit: Am I a ‘Creeper?’
The term has been turning up a lot in one of my social circles, and while it’s been vaguely defined by people I know, as in ‘X is kind of a Creeper’, no one has sat down and defined it. You just know one when you see one.
I looked it up on Urban Dictionary and got, ‘someone who uses facebook but is looking at other people’s profiles, going through their pictures, their statuses, their wall posts, their picture comments, subscribed to random people, their pages, liking comments on statuses from other people, It’s a lot like stalking but on more than one person!’
But I think it goes further than that, to actual contact with said person. So it’s not just adding them as friends, but actually communicating with that person.
Am I a Creeper? The unpleasant truth is, Yeah, I think I am.
By Kendra Holliday | April 12, 2018
The other day a friend asked me, “As a sex worker, do you require married clients to have consent from their wives to see you?”
I replied, “Ha, no.”
You see, most of my clients are married men.
I practice ethical non-monogamy, but what they do is on them.
When they come to see me, I provide them with options, and then they can decide what is best for their situation. (See Dan Savage’s take on how cheating can be the lesser of two evils.)
Most of the married men I see LOVE their wives and feel intense loyalty and desire and want to remain married to them,
their wife has cut them off sex. 🙁
Oftentimes, the woman has two kids, fulfills her biological imperative, is battered by religious and social norms, hits menopause, and shuts sex down and assumes, due to lack of communication, that her unilateral decision is to be imposed on her husband, too.
Resentment builds on both sides.
Due to higher levels of testosterone, most men wake up horny and walk around horny all day, and if they don’t scratch that itch, they go to sleep frustrated and horny, whereas most women need an erotic prompt to get horny, and the way men attempt to activate a woman is….not always effective. In fact, it can create the opposite effect and repel the woman.
On top of that, women won’t get naked in front of their partners because of body image issues. And they resist cuddling or touching, because that might lead to UGH sex, which is more like a chore than a reward.
It’s hard to be intimate when you cut off physical and emotional contact.
Sure men hire sex workers because they want to get blowjobs and fuck and cum,
ultimately, they want to bask in female energy and be accepted.
Female energy is PRICELESS.
It’s a sad, trapped cage we find ourselves in.
By Kendra Holliday | March 1, 2018
Remember this RFT article that shocked the local community eight years ago? Take a moment to skim it, then let’s replace all the sex references with more innocuous FOOD references and see how it reads.
Not as shocking, ey? Why is that?
Special thanks to Ms. Melissa Meinzer and The Riverfront Times for permission to revise the article for conservative consumption.
SFW: The St. Louis mom behind food blog The Baking Kind is outing herself
Kendra Holliday is a total chef. Go right ahead and say it — she does. She’s not hiding from it anymore.
In some ways, she’s always been honest about it. She’s unflinchingly blogged every detail of her baking life for years — she’s a talented, aproned, joyously partnered divorced mother, living and writing and baking (and yeah, it’s a lot of baking) in St. Louis.
Her blog, www.thebakingkind.com, details all of it. It has made her into a celebrity of sorts. It has cost her a job. She’s called it her second partner.
The blog has become a safe space for food-positive readers in St. Louis and all over the world to come together. It’s created a virtual community, and Holliday and some of her foodie friends want to take that momentum and push the Midwest forward into greater culinary freedom and openness.
And it’s hard to do that when you’re hiding. So Holliday is coming out.
Kendra Holliday is 38. She’s got the lithe glow of a long-time vegetarian.
She grew up outside Creve Coeur, in the house her parents still share with a dog and two cats. The house has photos of all five kids on the wall, alongside photos of nurse Mom and sailor Dad from the beginning of their 44 years of marriage.
In a lot of ways, Holliday’s early years were fairly conventional. She was a smart girl and in her school’s gifted program. Her siblings looked up to her then and still do now.
Order, togetherness and success are themes in her family’s history, just as much as the obvious love that its members share.
Holliday’s parents are happy to talk about her childhood, as they positively adore her. They recall entering her into a beauty contest in Texas when she was three and are still genuinely pleased that she won First Prize.
By Kendra Holliday | February 25, 2018
I had a wonderful consultation with a 77-year-old man named Owen (he gave me permission to share his story, changing details to protect his identity).
Owen looks like a sweet, happy Grandpa, and he is just that. But underneath the big smile, warm, bespectacled eyes, and button-down plaid shirt, he is a total pervert.
And he’s frustrated.
He’s been widowed for many years, and is attractive, fit, financially comfortable and in good health. He’s had fair luck dating (there are four women for every man his age, after all), but he can’t find a kinky 60-70-something woman to save his life.
Every woman he dates is a prude. They’ll tell him, “I won’t be intimate with you until we’ve dated for six months.”
Or, if he kisses their belly and starts moving south, they’ll stop him, exclaiming, “What are you doing? That’s disgusting!”
Or, they’ll agree to go on a romantic weekend getaway with him and then sleep on the couch.
“I want to cum inside a woman and lick it out!” he declared, “But they have me on pussy probation and won’t even let me kiss their tummy! Don’t they realize we’re not getting any younger?”
He went on to lament, “What happened to all those women I had orgies with when I was a hippie? These days I’m reduced to sitting around watching porn and jerking off. I wanna have FUN!”
Owen has certainly had his share of fun, and he sees no reason for that to stop. He has Viagra for backup and would love a steady diet of free-spirited intimacy.
By Kendra Holliday | January 27, 2018
This is a guest post by an older man who was raised traditional and conservative in a small town, but learned of the sex-positive community and discovered a different way of seeing things…
The “Me Too” era has exposed the callous acts of a privileged and entitled, male-dominated society in their suppression of women’s rights, equality, and, let’s face it, an attitude that women exist merely to SERVE men as those men see fit.
This does not indict ALL men, but there are vast number of men in our society that just do not GET IT.
Responsible men of this world should be the first to be in line to call it out as being WRONG.
At the same time, the “Me Too” movement is encouraging women to stand up, speak out, and be heard and not let the dominant and controlling men of this world get to operate in the hushed, wink and a nod, environment protected by each other simply because they exert economic and career power over women be it in the household, business, or academic settings; Nor let the powerful silence women by Non-Disclosure Settlements.
Axioms of Man —
While starting with Women, I realize how universal these axioms are to all other life. I hold women in a special and sacred place in my heart.
I realize that I have no inherent entitlement to the attention of a woman, man or other human or even animal or plant beings on this planet.
Women do not exist to serve men. They are unique, sacred beings in their own right, with their own rights.
Marriage does not bind a woman to blindly obey her husband nor create his ownership of her. That is a myth perpetrated by patriarchs including religious zealots.
Sacred female energy is a gift, as is sacred male energy, to be lovingly shared without expectation of a return. When we eliminate expectations, the rest takes care of itself in ways you would not even have thought possible.
Giving and offering gifts free from expectations is a freedom of expression in love.
Love to our fellow brothers and sisters is why we exist as a human race and is what sets us apart as humans. Anything less than showing love means we are being less of a human.
Showing love to another being is a combination of showing respect, honor, deference, empathy, care, compassion, passion, intimacy in thought, deed, and words, understanding, and self-control of less than loving attitudes, thoughts and actions. Self-control often needs to be consciously practiced with intention.
We humans are intricately complex beings capable of interpreting or reinterpreting our basis of existence in how we identify ourselves within the larger context of our world. Showing love means being accepting, supportive, and encouraging to others who may be considering or who have concluded that natural gender assignment my not be correct for themselves and chose to live differently than we might expect.
Love is all powerful. As humans we have the ability to love and show our love to many beings and in the energy of the Universe, this love is felt whether we consciously realize it or not. Oft the energy of love is returned to us as is the reverse when we do not show love. Love opens up many new avenues of energy which provides the opportunity for unlimited fulfillment both in this world and the world of energy beyond.
Showing unconditional, non-judgmental, acceptance, and honest love to all beings of our world is our mission to make our world a better place.
By Kendra Holliday | January 13, 2018
Listen to him explain why it is a bad idea to:
- Send unsolicited cock shots
David is a local sex educator and one of the co-founders of Sex Positive St Louis, a not-for-profit organization we founded in 2010 in order to create safe spaces for people to explore their sexuality in a positive, constructive, shame-free zone. There should be an org like this in EVERY city!
We usually host about four events a month, and I have a few in the queue to create. Stay tuned for talks on asexuality, dating, and polyamory! Check our calendar for updates.
By Kendra Holliday | January 9, 2018
Here we go again. I thought all my friends, lovers and clients knew, but since I just got ANOTHER ONE… 😫
I do NOT like receiving unsolicited cock shots.
I don’t care if I’m a sex worker.
I don’t care if you got carried away.
I don’t care if I’ve played with your cock.
I don’t care if I’ve had it in my mouth.
I don’t care if you are someone I’ve been fucking with for years, or are brand new and exciting.
I don’t care if you are Barack Obama. (Note: My point is, he would NEVER do that. Anthony Weiner, however, WOULD.)
If you send me a cock shot, it’s like a slap in the face, an instant turn off, and an online assault, and I will fine you $50 and demand an apology if you ever want to interact with me again.
It’s all about comfort and context, people.
I challenge you to comment if you’ve never sent a cock shot, or wish to publicly apologize for sending a cock shot. Or feel completely justified in sending a cock shot.
So, without further ado…
Wanna know the quickest way NOT to get under my skirt?
Think dealbreaker, hard limit, red flag, turn OFF.
OK, besides wearing ugly footwear or torturing small mammals.
Send me an unsolicited cock shot.
Is this what men imagine their cock shot looks like?
Guys. Here is what it really looks like:
By Kendra Holliday | December 29, 2017
I’ve had the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies on my shelf for a long time. It tempted me with its mysterious title and sexy cover (I LOVE oysters, and I LOVE my pearl, if you know what I mean).
Well, I finally dusted it off and read it, and it blew my mind, and I’ve been recommending it to people left and right ever since.
Here’s an intro concept from it that should provoke your thoughts:
“There’s a joke that says that when two people have sex, there are six people in bed: the two lovers and the parents of each of them.”
Is that creepy, true, or both? I hope you’re imagining group sex with your parents right now.
A sampling of the MANY interesting points brought up in this book:
– “Sexual excitement requires that we momentarily become selfish. There needs to be a tension between selfishness and caring, between using and pleasing your partner.”
Do you know what this means? Sometimes, when it comes to sex, you need to be ruthless. You need to let go and stop worrying so much about every little move and just focus on the pleasure. YOUR pleasure.
– The difference between guilt and shame: “Guilt involves beliefs that we are hurting others, while shame involves beliefs that we’re exposed and unworthy in the eyes of others.”
– “When people are aggressive or cruel in their sexual daydreams or practices, it is not because they are primarily sadistic but because they are trying to solve a problem.”
– Have you ever known a woman who is really bitchy toward her male partner? He’s such a nice guy, he tries so hard to cater to her wants and needs, yet she treats him like an annoying puppy? This book explains the reason behind that lopsided dynamic.
– Survivor guilt and unconscious parental jealousy is behind a lot of the issues we face with our parents. Have you ever wondered why someone would start drinking heavily when they became successful in their field? Or why some parents sabotage their kids and excessively criticize instead of support them in their endeavors? This book goes into the details behind those perplexing behaviors, and much more.