By Kendra Holliday | January 30, 2017
Category Archives: Society
A couple weeks ago, I went to my first therapy appointment wearing a long amethyst gown, pearl crown, white opera length gloves – regal and ridiculous as fuck. My new therapist was chic in all black. She pointed out that all the other therapists in the office were wearing black – mourning attire, in protest to the hostile political climate.
As a peace loving bonobo, I can’t stand having a violent chimpanzee in a position of world power representing my interests.
I’m going to therapy to deal with my menopausal mourning – this nation, my aging parents, dear friends dying.
A combination of the nation’s turmoil and divisiveness, along with listening to this podcast (at the 17:40 mark – btw the rest of the podcast is an excellent interview with actor and comedian Romany Malco) triggered a traumatic memory for me.
The part in the podcast that triggered me was a letter submitted from a listener who was sexually assaulted by a man. He abused his position of power and coerced her, cut her clothes off and sexually assaulted her.
I don’t know if any of you have experienced something like I have – being in your own home, inviting someone in you consider to be a friend, and then he pins you down on your bed, cuts off your pretty bright pink bra with a knife, and then flips you over and carves his initials into your back. You’re helpless, and he’s much stronger. This new government administration feels like that.
His initials, by the way, were his nickname:
He’s an active member of the local BDSM scene. He’ll probably be at Naughti Gras this year.
The assault happened years ago. I remember crying with anger as I defiantly sewed my bra back together – I liked it and wanted to salvage it. I still have it.
By Kendra Holliday | January 16, 2017
I’m a proud pervert!
Or, just look at this pic 🙂
Here’s one of my favorite perverts:
So what is a pervert, anyway? Centuries ago, the word meant “atheist”, or “turning away from what is right.”
I’m an atheist, so that still fits. And I don’t see why sexual creativity and expression is wrong, so I’m glad to reclaim the word as being twisted or kinky.
There’s a great book out that covers a wide range of perversions. It’s called PERV: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us, by Jesse Bering. (Fun fact: Jesse Bering used to teach at a university in Arkansas. My ex took his position when he moved on to greener pastures.)
I’m used to academics writing about sex in theory, and removing themselves from the messy details. So I was really impressed with Jesse’s approach – he fesses up to some of his own embarrassing sexual history! Very raw and honest.
For instance, one time he masturbated to an empty Diet Coke can a guy he had a crush on drank from. He also masturbated to a picture of a naked caveman in a science book. His confessions reminded me of some of my embarrassing details – I used to have a crush on Darth Vader, and when I was a kid, I practiced making out with a Spiderman doll.
By Kendra Holliday | January 9, 2017
In my experience, sex partners are few and far between. When I do find a partner, relationship drama soon kicks in, and that tarnishes the fun in having sex. I’ve always wanted more sex with more women without all the hassle – a life of sexual freedom and openness, and the joy that comes with it. But alas, it always eludes me.
I appreciate your blog and lifestyle, and I’d like to live a sex life similar to yours. I want to enjoy a sex life with an abundance of attractive women, with a consenting partner, in a way that good partners come towards me without all the games.
I’ve always felt that the key to living the life you want is your mentality or perspective about it. And so my question to you is, what is the mindset of one who lives this sort of life, or the spiritual perspective? What kinds of thoughts prohibit one from living the life? What is the secret to living an abundant sex life?
There is one main thing keeping people from celebrating their sexuality in a free and fun manner – FEAR.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling to other countries, it’s that USA is a very fearful country. We are rife with anxiety and depression, due to all the limitations we impose upon ourselves. And yet, we tout ourselves as a free country.
HA. Very funny. Nice try.
I highly recommend you read The Bonobo Way by Dr Susan Block.
And Decoding Your Kink by Galen Fous MTP.
And, it looks like some of my other book recommendations have helped people! See this heartening note from a reader:
“You and I could probably agree on very little…I’m a Conservative Christian male, in a monogamous relationship with my wife, and I was a virgin until I was married.
And yet, my wife and I have had intimacy issues for many many years. I stumbled onto your site and, at after seeing your Top Sex-Positive Recommendations post, started reading Robert Glover’s book ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy!’. I thought I was going to see my picture in the pages of that book. Almost everything in that book described me perfectly.
Then, also at your suggestion, I started reading ‘Open Her’ by Karen Brody. Not finished with this yet, but again I’m seeing eye-opening revelations.
My relationship with my wife is improving, but I have miles to go before I truly overcome my ‘Nice Guy Syndrome’. I just wanted to thank you for listing these reading materials on your site. You don’t make $ from this, but I can tell that you are truly interested in helping people resolve whatever sexual-relational problems they may have.”
By Kendra Holliday | December 31, 2016
What makes a person sexy?
Before you read on, take a moment to really think about it. What thoughts immediately come to mind?
WHO comes to mind – you? your partner? someone you know in real life? celebrities?
What do they look like? How do they behave?
Most people will reply automatically with:
But of course!
However, it’s more than that. I know a gorgeous stripper who suffers from low self-esteem, and she is sexy.
You can be insecure and sexy.
You can be stupid and sexy.
You can be fat and sexy.
You can be old and sexy.
You can be poor and sexy.
You can be immature and sexy.
When we are attracted to someone else, it’s either because they remind us of ourselves, or they are a contrast to ourselves.
Either way, it is a reflection.
Deep, huh? Let’s unpack that.
Do you possess more male energy, or female energy?
Are you in touch with your sexuality? Is your libido in check?
Female energy is yin, the moon, water, cool.
Male energy is yang, the sun, fire, hot.
I’ve found that what makes a man sexy is confidence and maturity.
For women, it’s confidence and playfulness.
And for everyone, the secret ingredient to sexiness is…………
By Kendra Holliday | December 23, 2016
You know what gives a sex worker a serious case of frosty burnout? An onslaught of timewasters and disrespectful horny men.
It’s winter now, and I’ve been dealing with a bone chilling, relentless dick blizzard.
It’s enough to make my pussy FRIGID.
Baby, it’s cold outside. Don’t be all rapey, virtual, or otherwise.
I feel like I’m doing the heavy lifting. Other women are opting out – they’re had enough and are done with dick – which makes more men cluster up, desperate and eager, their testosterone levels sloshing out and flinging on anyone they can access.
If you want to warm a woman up, make her feel comfortable and respected.
If you want to wear a woman out, be pushy and insensitive.
Believe me, I LOVE sex and men and doing what I do, but when it comes to the creepers, it goes like this:
On the twelfth day of Christmas
my horny fans sent to me:
12 Dicks Drumming
Eleven Pricks Piping
Ten Dicks a Leaping
Nine Dongs Dancing
Eight Dicks a Milking
Seven Dicks a Swimming
Six Cocks a Laying
Five Golden DIIIIIIICKS
Four Calling Dicks
Three French Dicks
Two Turtle Dicks
and a Penis in a Pear Tree.
Now repeat twelve times.
Merry Dickmas, Everyone!
Luckily, I get a boner break – I’ll be on vacation Dec 26-Jan 10. First Hogwarts in Orlando with my daughter, and then Iceland with my partner! I’m excited to see magical landscapes and the Northern Lights!
And then I will return, refreshed and ready to rendezvous again! See you next year!
By Kendra Holliday | November 25, 2016
The other day, my friend told me he wanted to come out, but he was afraid.
He’s a polyamorous bisexual swinger, and was worried about judgement.
So, I made this video offering tips on coming out.
He watched it and said, “My only hesitation around coming out is the potential adverse impact on our 10 yr old daughter. If it wasn’t for that, I would have done it already. I feel like we need to come out to her first. I don’t want her to hear it from anyone but us.”
I replied, “It’s respectful to start with loved ones first, you’re so right.”
And then, I made this video.
Well, guess what!
He took the plunge, and talked to his daughter. And you know what? It went fine!
He reported, “I did it! I talked to our daughter! We are out to her! It was very uneventful. I had an opening and I took it. She was very open and understanding and said ‘Do whatever you want as long as you stay married.’ Once she heard we both knew about each other’s relationships and our marriage was solid, it was all good. It felt very natural and healthy.”
By no means am I taking full credit for pushing him in the right direction, but I did provide gentle encouragement and influence.
And that feels AWESOME!
OH and PS: After my daughter dug through my box of sex toys and learned what they were, I went ahead and proudly displayed them in my bedroom! It’s a shame to hide functional works of art, don’t you agree?
And, PS2: My daughter knows I have sex with most of my friends, so when she finds out I haven’t had sex with one of my friends, she is SURPRISED! LOL!
Such as, David Wraith. We have never had sex! But we’ve certainly been emotionally intimate. 😉
Much love and encouragement to you and your loved ones!
By Kendra Holliday | September 21, 2016
BLACK LIVES MATTER.
I am serious.
We love to fetishize and FEAR black men, women, and transgender people.
Escorts, bulls, trannys, hookers, hos, bitches, pimps, thugs, drug dealers, robbers, rapists… we subconsciously and consciously wallow in projection…. painting our dark dreams… casting shadows. So much guilt and shame surrounding racism.
And often guilt and shame and forbidden thoughts give us that taboo thrill we need to get off.
We need to channel that powerful energy to something positive.
SEX not DEATH.
PLEASURE not PAIN.
Our country is deep in the throes of non-consensual power exchange. Consensual power exchange is the core of BDSM, which can be a healthy outlet for acting out fears and healing. Non-consensual power exchange is ASSAULT and ABUSE, which can be deadly.
Please do your part to end needless suffering.
I really don’t know how to reconcile all this grief and death and turmoil.
2016 has been a real test of strength.
I know this in my heart.
But it’s still hard.
By Kendra Holliday | September 13, 2016
As a follow up to my post Can Creepy Men Be Cured?, I offer these quick thoughts on how to activate a woman, as opposed to repelling her.
Offer good male energy. Stand out among all the men who fall short.
Be a giver, not a taker.
Exude sexy confidence.
Be mature. Don’t be eager. RELAX. Keep your pants on for longer than she’s expecting.
Be grateful, but not groveling.
Show appreciation and respect. Cowboy Ethics.
Know how to be a gentleman. Know how to be a rogue. More importantly, know WHEN to be a gentleman, and WHEN to be a rogue.
Learn how to worship, as well as ravish.
If you watch Game of Thrones, you’ll get this joke I’ve seen online: “Ned Stark in the streets, Oberyn Martell in the sheets.”
Or, even better: “Podrick Payne in the streets, Podrick Payne in the sheets.” 😉
Strive to be a King, a Warrior, a Magician, and Lover, as opposed to a Tyrant, a Bully, a Fool, and a Loser. (A loser is someone who has lost something, such as their mojo.)
Don’t be entitled. Be genuine.
The other day, when I wrote someone to confirm our session, instead of responding with the usual grunt, “yeah I’ll be there”, he replied, “I cannot wait to see you today! Your beautiful mind, body, and energy will be on my mind until I get to see you!”
Upon reading that, I was immediately activated and turned on for our session.
By Kendra Holliday | September 13, 2016
Dear Kendra, I don’t know about you, but I know a lot of creepy men. What makes a man creepy? Can creepy men be cured? Or, once a creep, always a creep? Have you ever met a creepy woman?
All right, readers, I want feedback from YOU – tell me about an encounter you had with a creepy guy. What made it creepy? What are the qualities of a creep? Can creeps be cured?
Here is what I have to say on the subject – I hope reader input will help shape my understanding of this unfortunate issue.
Being in the sex industry, I’ve met A LOT of creeps. Here is an example:
A few years ago, a man contacted me through this website. He wrote me a couple emails, then met me at an event I advertised – I was part of a sex fair that was open to the public. He seemed nice enough, and asked to meet me for coffee.
I said sure, so we met for coffee. At coffee, he asked me tons of questions and got this weird look in his eyes. He got excited from all the things I was sharing with him. He walked me to my car and asked if he could get in with me so he could ask me a question.
A huge red flag went up, but I said sure, BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT. (Since then, I have tightened my security and have read The Gift of Fear, and consider it required reading for every woman.)
We sat in the car and he turned to me. “Can I kiss you?”
Disgusted and horrified, I sputtered no. I had NO interest in this guy. He was creepy. What made him think I wanted to make out with him? (Answer: I gave him the time of day. Other things that lead men to think you are interested in them: Eye contact. Smiling. Laughing at their jokes. Being polite. Being female.) At least he didn’t lunge at me.
He whined a bit, then took his leave. I’m very lucky nothing bad happened. I appreciate that he asked and respected my reaction. NEVER put yourself in a closed space with someone you’re unsure of.
Later, he showed up for one of my TBK get togethers. He circled the party, stared, and kept to himself. His behavior made me uncomfortable.
After that, he emailed me two or three times asking when I was going to have another get together.
I’ll tell you when: NEVER. Or if I do, it will be invite only.
It wasn’t just him that put a damper on the party for me – there were two other creepy guys there who drank too much and crossed some lines.
OK, so what made this particular guy creepy?
By Kendra Holliday | August 25, 2016
Last night my daughter and I attended a school board meeting that featured sex ed.
The school sent a survey out to parents last year. Over 1000 parents responded (I was SO excited to fill it out!), with the majority of parents in favor of updating the curriculum to include important topics beyond pregnancy and STIs, such as gender and LGBTQ issues, consent, and exploring sexuality.
As a result, the board voted and approved the improved curriculum in March. HOORAY! You can read details here.
I’m Co-Leader of Sex Positive St. Louis and I graduated from the school in ’91. My sex-positive daughter is a sophomore now. Needless to say, we strongly advocate acceptance, inclusiveness, and accurate education when it comes to the wide range of human sexuality. We were in good company, with plenty of rabbis, physicians, professionals, sex and health educators, and representatives from local organizations such as Growing American Youth and TransParent.
But some people are having a fit over the change. They think the curriculum, which draws mainly on Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines for sexual education, is medically inaccurate. They also think providing information sends a dangerous message and encourages teens to have sex. Let me ask you – did you have sex as a teenager? Most of us did, and we fumbled around and made lots of mistakes. I wish I would have been better informed at that age.
People both for and against the teachings that will promote acceptance and better emotional health attended the meeting.
The people against the change wore white to symbolize purity and innocence.
One of the white people kept repeating the word “pornography” with such passion that it made me want to run right home and watch some! Another white person demanded that the school stick to “education, not indoctrination.”
A mom and her incredibly brave and shaking 16 year old son got up to speak – Andrew Bennett has been getting bullied and slandered by some of the white adults, online and in person.
As they spoke, some of the white people shouted angrily at them and some turned their backs on them.
You can watch footage of them speaking here. The building was surrounded by police and security.
Teen hero Andrew is saving lives by putting himself out there. I can’t wait to see him speak in front of thousands of people someday.
My daughter got to witness adult behavior – some mature and respectful, some not. I’m proud to say the people we sat with exhibited good manners. But I have to confess – as soon as we got to our car, we burst out laughing and repeated the word “pornography” all the way home.
I got compliments on my Planned Parenthood “I LOVE SEX ED” shirt. 🙂
I counsel adults mainly in the 40-70 age range who were grossly misinformed when they came of age. If the next generation gets proper education, then I can be put out of business and bake cupcakes or garden instead. Or, if we choose to remain ignorant, I can make lots of money mucking around in all the guilt and shame baggage.
I prefer the former.
By Kendra Holliday | August 24, 2016
Last week I lost another client. (Please read this previous post about losing a client before proceeding.)
He wasn’t just a client – he was a friend and lover, too.
D and I first met over two years ago – his doctor referred him to me after it was determined he would outlive his initial diagnosis of dying young. Now, it looked like he could expect to make it to middle age. With that startling revelation, he was able to consider pursuing adult activities beyond getting his college degree – sex. A relationship.
But he was behind all of his peers in dating experience, so he needed to seek ways to catch up.
Drastic, unconventional ways. Beyond OK Cupid.
So, we met for a couple of consultations and built rapport. Because of his breathing machine, D was difficult to understand, and he didn’t have the muscle strength to move as much, but his eyes – oh his eyes were so incredibly expressive. I spent many hours gazing into those beautiful, warm eyes.
He used a motorized wheelchair and had a hospital bed. His medical condition kept him feeling cold all the time, so his bedroom would be really warm. I felt bad removing his cozy blankets, but the excitement and passion we shared provided a different type of warmth. Even his cologne smelled warm, like a clean, masculine fire.
At the beginning of each session, D would ask a sex question, such as, “I saw this in porn – is it really like that?” or “Is female ejaculation real?” and we would come up with different themes to explore. We had such fun and educational sessions!
We kissed as best we could around the breathing tube. His body was solid, so I was able to climb around him pretty easily. Still, I always made sure he wasn’t just enduring something or have pain interfere with pleasure.
By Kendra Holliday | August 7, 2016
Back in April 2015, Shameless Grounds hosted an important event for people in non-traditional (poly, kinky, non-married) relationships.
If you fall into traditional social norms and are legally married and something happens to your spouse, you are protected by law. You have rights. But if you are not married to each other, you are screwed – unless you have other legal documents in place.
Lawyers were on hand at a poly-packed Shameless to educate the community and distribute paperwork for protecting yourself and your partner(s) in the event of hospitalization or death. The event was inspired by a tragedy that happened to one of my polyamorous friends – she was banned from her partner’s hospital bedside by his family. She found out about his death by seeing his obituary. Never in a million years did she think this would happen to her – she got along great with his family before he fell ill. And now, during this time of crisis, for whatever reason, they turned on her. She was devastated to her core.
My partner Matthew and I don’t have plans to marry or move in together, but we’ve been together eight years and trust each other with our lives. So, in lieu of legal marriage documentation, we finally have the official paperwork in place, notarized and witnessed: Hospital Visitation Authorization and Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care and Directive.
And when I say finally, I mean FINALLY. I’ve been carrying the folder of paperwork around with me in my laptop bag for the past sixteen months!
I kept trying to coordinate phone calls to the lawyer, having a meeting with my partner to fill out and sign the papers, going to a notary public to have them officiated, and then having two witnesses sign them. Plus, all kinds of kid stuff, events, and other duties and obligations kept getting in the way.
It took a couple weeks of calling the law office for me to get answers from them on the steps I needed to take – they were super busy. So I’d be glad to recommend them to you, but you may want to do a search for Probate and Estate Planning Lawyers in your area. Since our focus was on healthcare directive and not on finances or property, we were able to utilize state forms you can find online here. (I got the Hospital Visitation Authorization Form from the lawyer.) But if you have more complicated needs or have an estate worth over $40,000, you should definitely meet with a lawyer to cover all the bases. Keep in mind that MO law is different than IL law, so stick to your state.
By Kendra Holliday | July 29, 2016
Have you heard of My Princess Boy? It’s a book that celebrates boys who feel happiest when wearing clothes most commonly reserved for girls in our culture. Do you ever wonder what happens to some of those boys when they grow up? Some feel terrible shame and keep their truest desire to dress in the clothes they like best a secret.
Others find the courage and support to go out there and make their dressiest dreams come true. Here is my friend H.’s story…
Trying on dresses at David’s Bridal
I have been cross-dressing since I was a little boy. I have always had a love for formal dresses and wedding dresses. Over the past year, I contacted several bridal shops asking if, as a male, could I come into their store for a fitting before I bought a dress.
Repeatedly, I was told flat out NO!
I had the wrong genitals between my legs to be welcome as a customer.
Finally, I contacted David’s Bridal asking them the same question I have asked others in the past.
I was told by David’s Bridal I was more then welcome to come in for a fitting and try on dresses, when would I like to come in for an appointment? I talked it over with my wife to make sure it was all right with her for me to do this.
My wife told me if that’s what I wanted to do, I was more then welcome to schedule a appointment. My 50th birthday was just two months away. I could not think of a better way to spend my 50th birthday. I called the David’s Bridal in Fairview Heights, Illinois and talked to the customer service rep.
I made my appointment! David’s Bridal asked me to go to their website and register and pick out what dresses I liked best.
By Kendra Holliday | June 9, 2016
As I prepare for my flight to NYC for Tantra training, I was reminded of one of the most interesting plane rides I’ve ever had – and keep in mind I’m a member of the Mile High Club, so that’s saying something.
I was flying home from Los Angeles to St. Louis, and a pretty young woman sat down next to me.
She noticed my book and asked, “Excuse me, but what are you reading?”
I told her it was about werewolf prostitutes. I could tell this vivacious minx thought I was a regular mom, so that perked her right up, and gave her a sign that I might be cool.
Turns out she was a 24 yr old stripper from LA on her way to visit one of her sugar daddies in St. Louis, a Porsche-driving, 30 something in the Central West End.
She drank three vodkas on the plane and opened up to me about all the coke parties, working as a receptionist at an escort service, her great love of weed, fucking her roommate/best friend’s boyfriend (“He started it!”), and all the wild parties she attended in Hollywood Hills. She had a thing for dark complected men, and cheerfully ranked her top 10 lovers for me.
As she twirled her tousled brown hair and fiddled with her Tiffany necklace, she recited with rolling eyes, a wicked grin, and shrugging shoulders, “The guy I’m seeing in St. Louis is #3. Marco is #2, he’s the best in bed EVER, and Miguel is #1, he keeps breaking my heart, but I hang up on his ass and that slays him… Dylan is #5, he drives a Hummer. I had my first threesome with oh, what’s his name, well he’s #7 anyway…”
HA! So I was sitting next to a witch, one of those women who dances with the devil in the pale moonlight, an “It” girl, a seductress. Heck, she got up to use the bathroom and a guy sitting on the plane took one look at her and asked for her phone number!
By Kendra Holliday | June 3, 2016
One of my favorite goddess sheroes, Annie Sprinkle, posted about why whores are her heroes on facebook.
A few hours later, not only was the post deleted, but she was kicked off facebook for three days for celebrating the sacred beauty of sex work!
— Annie Sprinkle (@AnnieSprinkle) June 4, 2016
Ah well, you can do a google search for images of her and enjoy her words below.
Have a lovely International Whores Day everyone!
WHY WHORES ARE MY HEROES
Whores have good senses of humor.
Whores challenge sexual mores.
Whores are playful.
Whores are tough.
Whores have careers based on giving pleasure.
Whores are creative.
Whores are adventurous and dare to live dangerously.
Whores teach people how to be better lovers.
Whores are multi-cultured and multi-gendered.
Whores give excellent advice and help people with their personal problems.
Whores have fun.
Whores wear exciting clothes.
Whores have patience and tolerance for people that other people could never manage to put up with.
Whores make lonely people less lonely.
Whores are independent.
Whores teach people how to have safer sex.
Whores are a tradition.
Whores are hot and hip.
Whores are free spirits.
Whores relieve millions of people of unwanted stress and tension.
Whores endure in the face of fierce prejudice.
Whores make good money.
Whores always have a job.
Whores are sexy and erotic.
Whores have special talents other people just don’t have. Not everyone has what it takes to be a whore.
Whores are interesting people with lots of exciting life stories.
Whores get laid a lot.
Whores help people explore their sexual desires.
Whores explore their own sexual desires.
Whores are not afraid of sex.
Whores are entertaining.
Whores have the guts to wear very big wigs.
Whores are not ashamed to be naked.
Whores help people.
Whores make their own hours.
Whores are rebelling against the absurd, patriarchal, sex-negative laws against their profession and are fighting for the legal right to receive financial compensation for their valuable work.
Do you have what it takes to be a whore?