The Beautiful Kind
Kinky Stories & Relationship / Sex Advice
Ask the Slut: Why Is Love Complicated?
Dear Slut,
Have you ever had to break up with someone you were still in love with?
Dear Cap'n Halfbeard,
Sigh. YES. I can give you a few examples, but will focus on the one that is most relevant.
I have decided that I have 5 spots in my heart that can be filled with the people in the world that touch me in an indescribably deep way. Spot 1 goes to my Daddy. Spot 2 goes to my friend Tom who died a few years ago. Spot 3 goes to my daughter.
I gave Spot 4 to the man I had a crush on since high school. When my marriage fell apart, I ran away with him, at least emotionally. He was perfect for me - a professor, a sexual intellectual, curly hair, glasses, atheist, vegetarian, a reader, quirky, funny, sexy, and the opposite of materialistic. He was the person I first explored swinging with. We shared many unforgettable moments. He gifted me with the music I love most - Okkervil River, Leonard Cohen, Tindersticks, Iron & Wine.
We got engaged. But, we were star crossed lovers. I lived in St. Louis, and he lived in Maine. We carried on with our long distance lover affair for five intense years. We kept hoping something would change so we could finally be together, but I had my daughter and he had his career. I was so torn, and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
Over time, our relationship changed. The warm, cozy moments we shared gave way to silly bickering. He liked arguing; to him, it was a sport. He lacked the passion I longed for - he'd pick me up from the airport after being apart for six weeks and, instead of throwing up against the door the minute we got home, check his email. His critical eye and disapproval of every little thing I did (one time he chastised me for lighting a candle!) led me to doubt myself. He was very controlling, and my wild ways irked him greatly. He disliked my online presence and wanted no part of it.
I finally realized we wanted different things, that we weren't well matched, and broke it off with him.
Like, 10 times.
We kept getting back together in fits and spurts, wasted huge amounts of energy, kept trying to force a round hole into a square peg. I tortured many a friend sobbing my head off at how cruel fate was.
Eventually, emotionally bruised and heartbroken, we made peace with not being together. We accepted the fact that we were both great people, but not great together. I was still crazy about him, but completely worn down.
He ended up meeting a fabulous woman much better suited for him, and they've been married for a year. I'm good friends with both of them. And of course I have my dear Beast, who celebrates me and has touched me in ways deep down like no one else ever has. So it all worked out for the best.
I wish I knew then what I know now.
A lot of people cling to a relationship because they think it is the best thing they will ever have, that they won't be able to find someone else. They remain miserable because they fear the unknown. Believe me, if you are with someone who causes you more pain than pleasure, THERE IS SOMEONE BETTER FOR YOU OUT THERE. Someone who can deal with and even embrace your smoking, non-monogamous desires, kids, cats, high sex drive, exercise obsession, weight, or job.
Oh, and by the way - those special spots in my heart? I took Spot 4 back (I have yet to assign Spot 5). I think I'll give Spot 4 to KAPSLOK. You don't think he will mind a slightly used and bruised place in my heart, do you?
Monday, November 2, 2009
Happy Holidays Glass Dildo
Happy Holidays Glass Dildo
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
YATBK: Rachael Benedict
YATBK: Rachael Benedict
Comments
Add a Comment
silvershovler
square peg in a round hole use a bigger hammer!!!
Beast
Scars remind us that the past is real. Believe me, moving on and accepting your life and the turns it takes is the best way to go. I have never broken up with anyone I have loved, because by the time I moved on, I/They were already gone. I love my life. Like no other....
thevelvetlilly
well said, sir.
An eloquent Beast.....fabulous.
Isabella
In a relationship you always have to weigh the good against the bad. No one person is perfect and no one person can fill ALL of anyone's needs. As long as the good side weighs more the irksome things can be worked around. I'll always believe this. When the bad side begins to lean heavy it's time to step back and take inventory.
Once you see the reality and make a decision you need to keep moving forward, not always an easy thing to do, but life only gets better.
bojo
If only Love was simple math. Plus and minuses. Rational and certain answers. The heart seems more ruled by chaos and madness.
Chirp
awwww... Also, I think you're right about the fear of the unknown holding people back from making important changes in the here and now.
L
"if you are with someone who causes you more pain than pleasure,"
This is the way I always try to advise people on whether to stay in their relationships...on the whole, are you getting more happiness out of it than stress/unhappiness? Then it's good. If not, then it's not. That's how I finally made the heartbreaking decision (really...it broke my own heart) to break up with my ex-girlfriend whom I still loved.
And now I'm in a relationship that brings me far more happiness than unhappiness. If that changes, I'll know what to do. Til then...all's well.
Kaia
TBK this is my favorite post ever. I'd read it again, but I'm almost certain I'd start to bawl. I really wish I had been able to get this message through to my mother or my sister. And lately I've been learning this the hard way.
This is inspirational and so real. This is really a beautiful post.
Penny Karma
It's so hard to know when it's just the basic "no relationship is perfect" friction and when it's truly unhealthy. It sucks when ending a relationship feels like failure and wasted energy.
Not to get all sappy, but if you learn something that you can use, and, even better, share with others that they may learn from it as well (which, obviously, you have), then something good came of it. Well done.
Mon-Mon
The heart wants what the heart wants... no? Great post...
curiously random
Sadly, I'm so muddled right now that I can't even find the answer my question: do I continue the affair, or do I let it die?
Can't see the forest for the trees, it would seem. Or maybe I'm an emotional masochist?
thevelvetlilly
You just answered yourself.
You need space on the problem - you're too close to it to see clearly.
That's okay - great that you know that...so give yourself some space....some solitude... time and space give you clarity ....so give yourself some of that.....
I also was taught this : If you had a daughter - and she came to you and described to you what was going on in a relationship like yours...what would you tell her to do about it? Usually that's a clear answer for me.
Huee dog
i truly enjoy this post, very eye opening.
I recently made a (heartbreaking choice) to let go of the pain that was a relationship without true passion and sharred love. The coments here confirm that ive made the right choice and things will look up from here. And true happiness is out there. glad i took the bull by the horns!!!!!!
The Beautiful Kind
Absolutely. Congrats on being courageous. You deserve happiness!
Huee dog
thanks TBK, support is always helpfull, enjoyin pokin around the site it is well laid out. thanks again
MstrPhoenix
I read once that love is a constant state of forgiveness, I do tend to believe that, I think love is an active thing it can't be passive or it just fade's away like other feeling's, you get mad you get over it you forget, look at all the messed up thing's friend's and such do to us and we forgive them because we love our friend and expect different thing's.
We make romantic love complicated with our unrealistic expectation's of our significant other, I am guilty of that and am working on changing that, I truly think it is all up to me and what my expectation's are if I expect nothing then everything my SO does for me is a very special gift, and I am a selfish bastard and love getting gift's.
This is just my muddled thinking so take it for what it is worth.
The Beautiful Kind
Sounds like you don't take your SO for granted, which is a very nice thing.
When I gush to Beast about how much I love him and how awesome he is, he replies, "It's a reflection, Darling."
MstrPhoenix
Well she is a pretty special person, I try to not take her for granted.
thevelvetlilly
wow....what a fabulous reply.....I'm a little bit blown away with a sideways smile on my face....that is so fabulous of him. ::::purr:::
curiously random
I think reflections are indeed a large part of what helps keep couples together, TBK. So often when I've told a guy what I like best about him, he'll tell me I'm that person, too. When I think I'm in love with his passionate nature, or kindness, or consideration of others, he'll turn it back to me and say I am all of those things.
Sometimes we don't feel that generous towards ourselves and it takes seeing it through the eyes of another to make it clear.
The Beautiful Kind
Beautifully said, CR.