By Kendra Holliday | July 17, 2016
As I continue to practice and train in tantra so it can be offered in the St. Louis area, I want to let you know about a very special weekend coming up, presented by my not-for-profit organization, Sex Positive St Louis.
We are thrilled to announce a new and rare opportunity for our members – something we have never done before – September 16-18, we are hosting an exclusive, all-weekend workshop featuring Elena Zubulake and Victor Warring, co-leaders of Embodied Intimacy and Eroticism. Elena and Victor will be on tour from the West coast.
Embodied Eroticism: Re-Wilding Your Animal Body and Living Your Erotic Truth
Are you ready to slow down and be present? Are you ready for primal connection with your loved ones and beyond?
Join us on a journey of Erotic Explorations!
“Eroticism is not a goal; not a thing easily defined, package-able or consumable.
Eroticism is a journey of tapping deep into the well of your desire, pleasure connection and creativity.
It is the journey of being a full human in deep connection to your animal body.”
What is your Erotic Truth…what is your Authentic Eroticism..?
Not what you’ve been told it should be. Not the limited, narrow slice of pie that the media and the culture have presented to you as “sexy”.
But what is the actual truth that comes from the depths of your amazing animal body, less cluttered by the modern noise of sex negativity and repression?
What happens when your erotic truth is integrated into your relationships, your community play, your life? What happens when eros is at the center of your life, not just what happens in the bedroom?
What is deeply earth shaking is when the erotic is allowed to show up much bigger than the very small cultural box we have put her in. And even that box is often hidden away by fear or shame or agenda.
By Kendra Holliday | July 15, 2016
My 12-yr-old daughter is asexual. Sometimes I wonder if she will always be that way. (UPDATE: I first wrote this four years ago. She is now 16 years old and is still asexual.)
Not that it would be a bad thing, but it sure would be really fucking ironic.
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others or the lack of interest in sex.
I’ve been a horndog since I was about 9. She and I have had very different experiences growing up.
My mom tells me I used to play with myself as a baby. To my knowledge, my daughter has never experimented with that. (As an aside, my mom was 27 when she gave birth to me, and I was 27 when I gave birth to my daughter, so there’s always this eerie parallel running in my head – how DIFFERENT I am from my mom, who’s only had one sex partner her entire life and suffers from a host of mental illnesses.)
When I was 9, I was molested by an older adopted brother, which exposed me to sex early and manifested itself as a hypersexual mindset. I was drawing dirty pictures in 3rd grade, and writing erotica at age 12. I was making out with girls at 11 and boys at 13.
My daughter has never been molested. So far, the only bad things that have happened to her on that front is 1) one man on the internet sent her a cock shot, 2) one man flashed her while she was walking down the street, and 3) one man grabbed her butt in a public swimming pool. Each time, she was horrified and disgusted.
She does a lot of research online for her writing projects and is into anime and deviantART. This means she runs into adult content from time to time. As soon as she encounters it, she backs the hell up – she has absolutely no interest in it.
By Kendra Holliday | July 15, 2016
Since you asked… here is a list of some of my favorite things:
Cash, of course!
Wouldn’t it be awesome if the gas, water and electric companies offered gift certificates? What would be more loving than gifting someone with a hot bath, a home cooked meal, or cooling or heating?
Amazon gc – send gift certificates to email@example.com – I looooove books so much! And they sell pretty much everything else.
Whole Foods gc – or Trader Joe’s, Global Foods, Dierberg’s, Schnucks local grocery stores. I don’t eat mammals or birds, but I do eat seafood, veggies, fruit….I love ethnic food like sushi, Indian, Vietnamese, Ethiopian
Target gc – I’m a sucker
Etsy gc – support artists!
Flowers and gifts from Fleur de Lou – they sell lots of sexy and kinky flower arrangements, and also have whimsical gifts. I like when flowers last more like a week as opposed to three days, so the hardier ones are better, though I do like roses and fleeting exotic flowers like orchids. My favorite color rose is the peachy one with blush tones. I don’t like pink as much and I can’t stand the smell of cloying lilies, too funeral home. I keep my flowers in my dining room, which has green walls and lots of colorful jewel tones. Daisies, carnations, sunflowers are great. I like colorful.
Soft Surroundings gc – I looove soft clothes and blankets!
Earthbound gc – hippie fashion!
Shoes – size 7, no sandals
Mystic Valley gc – for my witchy things!
Cheryl’s Herbs gc – more healing magical opportunities! I got a scent there called Goddess…
Shameless Grounds gc – one of my favorite places in St Louis!
Godiva milk chocolate and truffle assortments
Merb’s milk chocolate covered strawberries
Soaprocks – these are so cool!
Demeter – they sell so many fun scents, some of my favs are New Leaf, Firefly, Grapefruit Tea, Sushi, Silvery Pekoe, New Zealand, Pipe Tobacco, Leather…
Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab – just look at this website!! I have a scent called Bewitched…
Victoria’s Secret – I tend to wear a medium, but sometimes L depending on the style and brand, 36B. My body is average (5′ 4″, 140 lbs) but my mind is extraordinary! I don’t like thongs or g-strings. I prefer timeless and vintage looks over trendy – black, bright colors, jewel tones
Liquor – Bombay Sapphire gin, Maker’s Mark whisky, Ketel One vodka, Kraken rum, American Honey, peach brandy, Chardonnay, champagne, or any other premium liquor brand you want me to experience
I also like coffee, tea, and Kombucha.
How about you? What are some of your favorite things?
By Kendra Holliday | July 12, 2016
Years ago, I acquired this impressive, red stripey strap on:
But it was not great quality, so I got this black one next, which was a little bit better:
It vibrates and is a decent size, but it’s still not the superior quality I deserve.
A friend of mine showed me this amazing corset design fit for a Queen called Cherry Minx by Aslan Leather, and lo and behold, one of my dear and doting submissives is getting it for me! It’s en route from Toronto as I type!
Now I’ll need to decide on a good cock set to go with it – I’ll definitely need small, medium, and LARGE.
Whenever I do it, I’m reminded of how much work goes into thrusting. It takes practice, and makes me appreciate all the effort men put into their quest for sex.
A man I know who enjoys pegging with his wife told me he loves the act, but not the term. The term “pegging” came about years ago from a contest Dan Savage ran with his readers. It isn’t the best way to describe such an intimate, loving act, is it?
By Kendra Holliday | July 10, 2016
|The more you know,
the more you grow.
Earlier I posted something on how to suck dick. Since women are more complex, I won’t pretend to know exactly what they all want. Some like more pressure, some like less direct stimulation, etc. But I do know what I want, so listen up! Take notes for our date…
“If her legs ain’t trembling like Bambi, you ain’t eatin’ it right.” – from this HILARIOUS video about eating pussy
1. Kiss me, pet me, stroke my hair. Work your way down the curves and valleys of my breasts, my belly, my hips, my thighs. I usually like lying on my back to receive your oral worship.
2. Kiss the inside of my thighs. Inhale my scent. Lick up and down my slit.
3. Sure, tongue fuck me and all that good stuff. Then, focus on my clit. The key is the right speed and pressure. (This usually means licking, but sucking rhythmically can be a nice change of pace.) Don’t glue your mouth to it. Back up a little to give your tongue room to dance. Pretend you’re a cat lapping cream.
4. Keep it steady, focus. If you get tired (it might take a few minutes, especially if we’re new to each other) take a breather and kiss on my thighs again, or play with some sex toys, buzzz. But get back to it when you’re ready! And feel free to ask if the pressure/speed is right.
5. I like it even more if you put a finger or dildo inside me while you’re lickin’. You can move it slowly inside and out, or just rest it there. The sensation of having something inside is nice enough just on it’s own. I like to feel it when my muscles contract with the orgasm.
6. You’ll know I’m getting close when my legs tense up and I get quiet. And you’ll know when I cum cuz I’ll hyperventilate and erupt with some sexy or primal noise, and possibly grab your head. If we’re in church, I’ll just whisper to you that I’m cumming, so that you know what’s goin’ on, you sent me over the edge, yessss!
7. You can keep it up for a bit afterwards, I don’t go instantly sensitive. And usually after I cum I’m good n’ wet, it’s my fav foreplay, and I’m ready to fuck.
But first, I’ll give you a gold star.
Ladies, how do YOU like your pussy licked?
By Matthew | July 10, 2016
There are a great many resources on giving oral sex. From videos and articles, books and blog posts, one can find all kinds of information on how to give great blowjobs and eat some fierce pussy. But what about being skilled at receiving it?
Huh? Yes, you read that right.
Oral sex should satisfy both the giver and receiver at the same time, albeit not necessarily in the same way, but satisfying nonetheless. In order to make that happen, the receiver needs to be as active, at least mentally, as the giver. You have to find out what your partner likes. How? Here are some thoughts from my partner, Matthew…
|You deserve oral worship.|
1. Be Assertive
This is a big one. Don’t be afraid talk to your partner. This may take some getting used to for both of you. Some people find it embarrassing or “not right” to talk about sex openly, let alone talk while having it. Tell your partner what you like about what they are doing. Let them know they are making you feel good! “That feels amazing!” or “Yes!! Right there!” are great places to start.
You can also fantasize with your partner through speech. If you know about a particular fantasy your partner has, or you have one of your own, try acting that out. Maybe she is your secretary or co-worker. Maybe he is that young stud you’ve been wanting to have your way with for a while. Roleplaying and fantasy are great ways to live out desires without the possible repercussions of actually doing them. The possibilities are endless, but you’ll never know any of them until you try.
Lastly, but certainly not in the least, if and when you have an orgasm, in the name of all that is good; vocalize it. “Yesssss!!!” “I’m Cumming!!!” “Holy Fucking Shit!” or whatever comes out. (On the subject of whatever comes out: Men – do not surprise your partner with a mouthful of cum. You must let them know you are about to release so they can control where it goes. Unless of course you’ve talked about it and know what your partner prefers.)
2. Be Active
This can happen in numerous ways. Of course you shouldn’t immediately jam your dick down their throat or suffocate them with your grinding pussy. Start with a slight push toward them. Pay attention to their reaction or ask them if they like that. If they do, then you can push or grind a bit more. You’ll eventually find a comfortable amount for both of you. Keep in mind, everyone is different in their preferences. Some people like their face smothered or their mouth fucked hard and they get great pleasure from it.
Try touching their head, shoulder, cheeks, or hair in different ways. Remember always start lightly and move to more intense sensations. If you find your partner enjoys their hair gripped and head controlled, do it. If you find your partner likes his face ground into and thighs clinched around his cheeks, do it. It will make is more pleasurable for them.
3. Be Adaptive
Don’t get get stuck receiving oral in the same place, at the same time, in the same way, for the same reason. Try new positions like standing or lying on your side. Different environments can offer amazing amounts of excitement. Of course you need to be very mindful of some environments (i.e. elevators, cars, public bathrooms, dressing rooms, parking garages, wooded areas, etc.), but great pleasure can be realized from short sessions of oral sex. It doesn’t always have to be done to orgasmic completion. After all, foreplay and build up are great pleasure paths.
Certainly this list of thoughts and suggestions is just that. Everyone is different and derives pleasure in different ways. However, not many people want to feel like what they are doing is not appreciated. If you keep that in mind, you can come up with many more ways to make oral sex an even more amazing part of your life.
Now, go forth, and receive head.
What are your oral sex tips?
By Kendra Holliday | July 8, 2016
Oral sex worship is the #1 way to send your man into ecstasy. It feels incredible and few men can resist the opportunity for their cock to be appreciated and loved.
Best of all, his deep gratitude is bound to pay off considerably later on when he eagerly returns the favor. Here is a breakdown on how to give a great blowjob, TBK style.
Great conversation topic
Before you put your mouth to good use, ask him what he likes so you know what to lay on thick and what to avoid. Does he like his balls licked? Teeth? Lots of suction? Strong head stimulation? Slow or fast?
You can have this conversation over dinner or while sitting on the couch watching TV, but be prepared to stop what you are doing so you can practice. OR employ logistical foreplay over email or text during the day so you can prime his pump for when you see each other that evening.
Take the tease trail. Start by kissing your most fortunate manly test subject on the mouth, temples, ears, neck, then slowly head south, kissing and licking his nipples, chest, belly – skip the dick! – thighs, balls, shaft, then finally make your way to his cock head. Murmur body-positive compliments along the way.
Once you’re there, open your damn mouth. I keep hearing from both men and women about these women with small mouths full of teeth. My mouth isn’t that big, and I can stuff something substantial in it. Though I can’t fit a soda can in it like I saw one woman do. That’s impressive. If you have TMJ/jaw issues, do the best you can and supplement with edible lube/spit/hands. Use your mouth at the head of the cock, and slick hands lower down/the base.
By Kendra Holliday | July 2, 2016
Guess who is the opposite of a virgin?
Guess who loves the land of make believe?
Yes, Mister Rogers. But also,
And Matthew is my magical play partner. I’ve been with men in the past who were uncomfortable just having phone sex, but luckily for me, this man is down to roleplay an entire evening.
This vintage sheer gown inspired me, and away we went into fantasy land!
I was housesitting at a beautiful Victorian home, so it was the perfect setting for our fantasy.
We came up with it together – I was a 22 yr old sheltered, homeschooled girl named Katie. He was 36, and I had met him a few years ago at some homeschooling conference where he gave a presentation for grad school. I ran into him at some small town festival that day, and since my parents were out of town on a church trip, I invited him to come over that evening to hang out.
I had a crush on him and was hoping to make out, but had never done anything beyond first base. So I put on the costume, and he left the house, waited a moment, and then knocked on the front door.
From that moment on, he was the older, experienced man, and I was the shy girl who had no idea what she was getting herself into…
By Kendra Holliday | June 26, 2016
I’ve come up with the following Sex Spectrum – do you agree with it? Where do you fall? Where do(es) your partner(s) fall?
Repressed – thinks sex is distasteful, doesn’t recognize any fetishes or fantasies, thinks genitals are ugly, doesn’t masturbate, is uncomfortable with erogenous zones, could easily do without intimacy or sex, is pretty much offended by everything
Vanilla – holding, cuddling, standard sex positions, passionate lovemaking, oral, watching porn, monogamy, mutual masturbation, traditional gender roles, basic sex toys, sex in the bedroom/kitchen/basement work bench/backyard/hotel
Kinky – anal play (male or female), bondage using silk ties and scarves, teacher/secretary/cop fantasy roleplaying, exploring bisexuality, watching hardcore porn, taking pics/filming, female ejaculation, threesomes/foursomes/orgies, advanced sex toys, cross dressing, pegging, sex in a restaurant/elevator/public place, exploring basic fetishes (foot, hair, latex, lingerie, etc.)
Perverted – face slapping, rape and incest fantasy roleplaying, gang bangs, bondage involving rope, facefucking, watersports, forced bi/cuckolding/chastity, humiliation and objectification, public sex (with an audience), fisting, double penetration, pegging, crazy sex toys (ball gags, big dongs, strapons), sex in church/graveyard, exploring more unusual fetishes (unwashed, period, amputees, etc.)
Fucked Up – edgeplay (bukkake, bloodplay, bladeplay, gunplay, breathplay, needleplay, electro, caging, necrophilia), gimp masks, body bags, CBT (cock n ball torture), masturbating in a bible, mutilation, sex in a morgue, sex with a real student/relative/prisoner, exploring extreme fetishes (shit, bestiality, vomit, pedophilia)
Does this look about right? For instance, do you think anal falls under Vanilla or Kinky? I first wrote this six years ago, and now that I’ve revisited it, I’ve moved a lot of activities up a notch. For instance, three years ago I considered gang bangs “Fucked Up.” Now, I view them as “Perverted.”
Also, I should state for the record that I don’t think any of these terms are derogative per se. It’s when you start harming yourself or others where I start to draw the line. And basically, the more taboo something is in our society, the more Perverted/Fucked Up it is. And the taboo twist is what makes it so hot! (For further reading, I suggest the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies.)
Personally, I consider myself mostly Kinky, moderately Perverted, with a dash of Fucked Up. And of course I LOVE me some Vanilla! How about you? I’d prefer if most people fell somewhere between Vanilla and Perverted.
By Kendra Holliday | June 19, 2016
You may have noticed that I always wear a signature piece – my K necklace.
I never take it off, even when I’m wearing other necklaces. The reason why is because it is like my wedding ring, or my BDSM collar.
My partner Matthew gifted it to me back in 2009 (we’ve been together since 2008). It started out as a joke. Years ago, when we started exploring BDSM, we discovered a lot of comical Dom profiles on FetLife, so we decided to create a parody account featuring a Core Dominant named KAPSLOK. (If you’re a member of FetLife, you can see KAPSLOK’s profile here.) He’s SO Dom, not only does he capitalize his name, but he just keeps the CAPS LOCK key on for EVERYTHING.
“KAPSLOK” “collared” me with a little plastic K that came from a gumball machine. I wore that for a while, until it broke.
You may recall the time I left my travel mug at Matthew’s house, and what he did with it (he filled it with piss!) Well, a couple months later, I left it there again. Ohh nooo, what was he going to put in it this time – shit??
When he handed the mug to me, I cringed, but he had a tender demeanor, which threw me off.
“Open it,” he suggested softly.
Tentatively, I unscrewed the lid, and discovered treasure nestled in tissue paper inside.
By Kendra Holliday | June 19, 2016
|Like an ocean, love can be
expansive and fluid
Ed Note: This article was orginally published in July 2011 on BlogHer.
My partner and I have the perfect relationship. For us, anyway. We’ve been together for eight years. We’re not married, but are in a long-term relationship. We do not live together, preferring to keep our households, finances, and families separate. Autonomy suits us well.
To top it all off, we are polyamorous; meaning, our relationship is open, allowing us to experience intimate relationships with other people, such as dating, loving, and exploring sexually. Sometimes we do it together; other times, separately.
We don’t fight. We have amazing chemistry and enjoy an incredibly satisfying sex life. We can’t get enough of each other. Our relationship is based on mutual worship and respect, and our number one rule when it comes to dating other people is they need to respect both of us.
Before I knew of polyamory, I thought I was defective and unfit to be in a relationship. After years of disappointing my partners, a series of men who enjoyed playing with the girlfriends I brought home, but freaked at the mere mention of another “sausage in the room,” I resigned myself to remaining single.
Then I met Matthew, who was recently divorced from his wife of ten years. What started out as a happy, traditional monogamous union with Matthew left his wife stifled and miserable. Determined not to repeat those same mistakes again, he took a leap and partnered with me, a renegade female who was in charge of her sexuality and knew what she wanted.
Honoring my atypical outlook on life, Matthew told me he would not hold me to a standard he was not willing to hold himself. So here we are four years later: a polyamorous couple in a sea of monogamy.
Our nation is one of serial monogamy. Polyamory applies the same concept of loving more than one person in a lifetime, the only difference being that these relationships overlap in the case of polyamory, because life is too short.
By Matthew | June 18, 2016
Ed Note: This is a guest post by my partner, Matthew. He is the father of two children.
A couple of weeks ago, I started hearing the yearly buzz of “Father’s Day” gifts, salutations and tributes. I started thinking a bit more in depth on the subject of Fatherhood and what it means to me.
Being a Father is synonymous to me with being a man. I hear so many people speak of “men” they know or have connections with and then start divulging details about these people.
I know women who demand flowers from their husbands as a way of apologizing for an act of relationship treason.
I know women who are dating “men” right now, but speak of nothing but their shortcomings.
I know of “men” whose wives have gotten up and walked away from them while they were eating her pussy.
I know of “men” who don’t make an effort to spend time with their children.
I know of “men” who can’t separate business from pleasure and vice versa.
I know of “men” who are so weak themselves, that they show their “strength” by preying on the eager and ignorant.
I know women who have settled for a “man”.
I know of “men” who live in their mother’s basement.
I know of “men” who can’t dress themselves.
I am sure you know plenty of “men” like this as well.
If a man has children, they are his number one priority.
By Kendra Holliday | June 17, 2016
I found out about yoni eggs by happenstance at a party, when I met a vivacious woman named Dailia. A while back, Dailia had hosted an event featuring a woman from Harlem named Makeda Voletta, aka Queen Lioness. Makeda leads workshops all over the country, featuring topics such as sensual strength training and sacred yoni eggs.
Dailia was hopping around the kitchen bragging about the yoni egg she was wearing.
I looked for an amulet or something, but she laughed.
“You can’t SEE her. She’s inside me.”
OH. DUH. Yoni = female genital region – vulva, clitoris, vagina, etc.
“So what is its purpose?” I asked.
She gushed, “She helps me stay grounded, empowered, tight, toned, stimulated, CONNECTED.”
My eyes widened. I had to find out more.
Read Makeda’s Yoni Egg Basics overview.
By Kendra Holliday | June 17, 2016
I’ve had my yoni eggs for almost three years now. I’ve had them since before my hysterectomy.
I’ve futzed around with them off and on over the months, not really committing to them, just experimenting.
(Before you read any further, make sure you read my post yesterday all about yoni eggs so you know what the hell I’m talking about.)
One night, I had an intense phone conversation with my partner Matthew. Hectic life was getting in the way of our relationship and we weren’t feeling connected. The talk left me feeling agitated and upset. Exhausted, I went to sleep feeling like a smelly, wrung out dishrag.
At 3:40, I woke to great thunder and lightning. The tumultuous storm rattled the windows. I fretted and tried relaxing.
I drank a glass of wine.
I stuck my tiger’s eye yoni egg inside me – I wanted something inside. It was soo cold going in.
I frantically masturbated. When I came, I screamed. Then I cried hard, and fell back asleep. I had weird dreams, but don’t really remember them.
I woke to the alarm feeling dreary and drab, not refreshed.
My body clenched the egg tight, it didn’t want to let it go. I had to push it out, and when I did, it was really hot, and some ejaculate came with it.
More tears – this time from my pussy. More release.
By Kendra Holliday | June 9, 2016
It’s 7am. I slip into his house.
Matthew has a note waiting for me at the door, along with an empty glass:
LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE.
BRING ICE WATER ONLY.
I strip. I fill his glass, and enter the dark, cool cave that is his bedroom.
I whisper, “Good morning, My Bear King,” and hand him the glass.
He groans, takes a long pull off the water, then hands it back to me. I set it down, and though he’s still drowsy, as if out of instinct he pulls me up by the hips to straddle his face.
And then he eats.
He licks, kisses, nibbles, all the while sounding like a bear quietly raiding a campground…
His big paws roam up my soft body, catching breasts and curves. Every once in a while he clamps down with his strong fingers like a cobra, injecting poison into the nerves in the small of my back.
My thighs press down on his ears. I tremble and sway.
I cum on his face, and then kiss his well-used and pungent mouth.
He pushes me down and says, “Rub your pussy juices on it.”
I rub up and down on his hard cock – I SO want it to slip inside me, but I avoid the head, just coating the shaft in my juices…
I slither down his wide and hairy torso and suck it hungrily, and as he cums, he seizes me and growls, “SLUT…FUCKING SLUT….”