The book King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine explores the archetypes of the mature masculine. Men who act out, have temper tantrums or are violent – jerks, bullies, know-it-alls and thugs – haven’t reached their full potential. The spoiled little princes of the world have work to do if they aspire to be superior men – if they want to be King.

So how do you become King? Here is the book that perfectly mirrors our relationship dynamic: The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. I underlined the shit out of this book. There’s no way I can feature all the awesome points, so please get a copy for yourself if you’re interested in tapping in to what makes our relationship so explosively orgasmic and fulfilling.

My partner Matthew hasn’t read the book, but that’s ok – he’s living it.

Here’s the premise. In order to have a passionate relationship with someone, you need to adopt a feminine and masculine contrast. It doesn’t matter who possesses the masculine or feminine – you can be a masculine female/feminine male couple, or a masculine female/feminine female couple, etc. The author maintains that 80% of people lean one way or the other – they either want to be ravished or do the ravishing.

For the most part, Matthew does the ravishing and I greatly enjoy it, I soak it up like a slutty sponge. But every once in a while, we’ll turn the tables and I’ll ravish HIM, which is just as fun and exciting. If neither of us assumed the ravishing mode, things would be more even keel. And boring.

That’s what happens in so many relationships – after the thrill of new relationship energy dies down, we get lazy and slip out of Lover role and become Managers, Caregivers, and Roommates. Then we take our partner for granted and lose respect for them and the sex turns lukewarm and resentment sets in.

So many men complain to me about how their wife doesn’t want to have sex with them, which makes him feel hurt and rejected. The reason the wife is cold to him is because she doesn’t respect him. The reason she doesn’t respect him is because he has let her down.

This is one of the books I recommend most. Click here to view my list of Top Sex-Positive Recommendations.

Emotions. Photo by Steve Truesdell

My partner and I have been doing the open relationship thing for over five years now. We’ve dated many different people in many different combinations.

Yet, more often than not, I get a yucky little twinge when he’s with someone else.

He does, too.

I find it frustrating, a lingering nuisance. I wish there was some way to turn that bit of my brain off, to banish that fly in the ointment.

Sometimes it can occur in the same breath of a positive thought. I can be sitting there feeling happy for him, even turned on, content with the situation, then all of a sudden -

~ twinge ~

it comes along, like a cloud blotting a clear sky. I find it petty, territorial, weak.

Is it because I feel threatened? Left out? Resentful? Why? It seems illogical.

Jealousy is all the fun you think they’re having.

And why shouldn’t they have fun? Don’t we want our loved ones to be happy and fulfilled? Everything else about being in an open relationship is awesome – the freedom, the compersion, the experiences, the variety. Openness and honesty can be amazingly liberating.

But still, I’d rather avoid that yucky little feeling, and it doesn’t seem like it will ever go away completely.

“Is it even worth it?” I asked him. “What’s the point?”

He likens the twinge to choosing a mild tummy ache over a full blown case of food poisoning that sends you to the hospital and wipes you out for weeks. That’s what often happens when cheating and deceit are discovered. Families are ripped apart. The pain of betrayal is deep and intense.

By taking this conscious path, we are acknowledging our nature – our desires and fears. We are living for real, not just wondering or living vicariously through others. We are being true to ourselves.

Yes, it’s worth it.

Oy, my neck!

So, I sustained a blowjob-related injury.

There I was, lying on the bed, sucking his dick as he stood above me, the way I’ve done hundreds of times before, and instead of thinking the usual thought I have while sucking dick (“I love sucking dick!”), I had this thought instead (“damn, this sucks!”)

It was very distressing.

My neck was killing me, all twingy and sharp. I shifted positions restlessly a couple of times and powered through it.

Afterward, I paid for it. My neck was NOT right.

Later that day, I was by myself, and did what I usually do when I’m alone and not reading, writing, or being productive – yep, you guessed it – masturbating!

It’s free, it’s fun, it’s great for circulation and spirits – who doesn’t like a good endorphin release?

I was lying on my back in bed, the Hitachi wand trained on my pussy, a fold of blankets between us to dull the intensity to my liking, things were ramping up, when suddenly, I felt a bulge of blood bloom right behind my left ear. Or at least, that’s what it felt like.

OH MY GOD I’M HAVING A STROKE, I thought with alarm, and shut the wand off. It was as if a water balloon was inflated with pain inside me, right where the skull meets the first vertebrae.

I gave myself a moment, panting and scared, then ran over to check my copy of My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey for signs of a stroke.

(more…)

I came across a true statement on facebook the other day:

Without nipples, breasts would have no point.

Ready for some proof? Check out these pics I stumbled upon recently.

This one was from a 2013 Playboy magazine:

Men jerk off to this??

When men view this, do they imagine they bit the nipple off à la Ted Bundy, or that she had nipple-removing surgery? Are nipplectomies a mainstream fetish I’m unaware of?

(more…)

Only go bareback with those you trust

A reader asked me:

“Something you tweeted caught my eye:

‘You know that moment when you get caught up in the heat of the moment & fuck without a condom? Yeah, you shouldn’t do that.’

Kendra… what was that all about?”

I put that out as a little PSA after watching a few people I know make reckless choices, such as the guy who spontaneously fucked a sexy, married “monogamous” woman in his office. Was it hot? Yes! Was it safe? Not really.

But she’s monogamous and married, so she’s probably safe, he reasoned.

But she’s NOT monogamous, because she just fucked you. YOU count, right?

And if she did that with you, doesn’t it stand to reason that she might do that with other random men?

I saw this sort of thing showcased in the show Girls a lot – estranged couples fucking spontaneously on desks, in closets, etc. Yes it’s realistic, but not a great example for the masses.

For the record, you should only engage in bareback sex with those you trust. Not someone you just met. Not someone you broke up with two months ago. Not someone you may never see again.

Twenty years ago, I was not this wise, and made a few reckless choices. One resulted in an unwanted pregnancy, which was a great big stress ball of drama to deal with.

These days, I enjoy safer sex with lots of people, but I only have bareback sex with people who are established and fluid bonded with my partner and me.

Being open and honest helps a lot with keeping sex happy and healthy.

- END OF PSA -