Bustin' Nuts

By The Beautiful Kind

Warning: this post is GROSS! You're going to wish it was still Intimacy Week...

Be careful what you tweet.

You know how that guy got a lifetime ban from an airport for making a bomb joke on Twitter? I thought I learned a lesson from that, but apparently not.

Beast posted a tweet earlier in the day: “I’ve never met a nut I couldn’t bust.”

Later that evening, I was sitting around eating pistachios and I tweeted: “Fuck Yeah Pistachios!”

There were a handful that were closed too tight for me to crack, so I slipped them in my pocket for Beast to open for me later.

I went over to his house that night in my flannel pajamas for a cozy date night, but it ended up being a very nutty evening.

Here’s why:

1. We watched that Michael Jackson documentary “This is It” until we got bored with it. Nutjob #1
2. We watched Rosemary’s Baby until we got bored with it. What’s with classic films people rave about but actually suck? The concept of acting was so lame in that era! Nutjob #2
3. Two flicks aborted, we resorted to him facefucking me, but I was so gag-sensitive that night I couldn’t handle it.
4. So then he bent me over and fucked the shit out of me. Getting fucked by him is like getting run over by a freight train sometimes. Speaking of that, did you see this sad little story about a puppy who was frozen to train tracks? Uber pathetic!
5. He fucked me so savagely I started bleeding like a stuck pig. It was so bad, we had to stop.
6. He rinsed off and I shoved toilet paper in my cunt, then he walked me to the bed.
7. The pistachios rattled in my pocket. “What’s in your pocket?” he demanded. “Tough nuts!” I replied.
8. He laid me down on the bed and yanked my pajamas up and down, exposing my tits and belly. The nuts spilled onto the bed.
9. Then he stood over me and jerked off.
10. He came on me.
11. Then, one by one, he picked the nuts off the bed, cracked them, and ran them through the ropes of cum on my belly. “Ever have nut covered nuts before?” he asked. “Nooo…” I said, making a face. I hate mixing food and sex. It's like eating pizza while watching porn. No thanks.
12. He fed the nut slops to me, which was tolerable until the cum got cold. I HATE cold cum, god it’s nasty! Remember that time he spoon fed me chunky cold cum from the kitchen floor? GAWD. Nutjob #3
13. He tossed the spent shells on my belly, took a pic, then pulled my shirt down and tucked it into my pants so I could wear the whole disgusting mess home. Nutjob #4

Next time you come over, look for pistachio shells in my driveway. It's nice having such a creative sex partner - MOST of the time.