Kinky Stories & Relationship / Sex Advice

My Christmas Confessions

By The Beautiful Kind

I came to a realization this holiday season - I have a Santa phobia that is not unlike my clown phobia. I think both are creepy and gross.

I have NO interest in putting up a tree or getting down with Santa. In fact, I feel like a selfish lover when I drive around checking out everyone's pretty holiday lights, as I don't return the favor. I do decorate my Jewish atheist household with snowmen tchotchkes for the winter season, and I can suck a mean candy cane, but that's about as far as I go with getting into the holiday spirit.

OK, not really. For some reason, this year I'm completely into celebrating. I've been baking cookies and rum cakes, bought presents for four people (including myself), and I even sent out holiday cards this year with a holiday update letter included.

I EVEN wrote an X-rated holiday update letter to my friends and family who can stomach my interests that are more racy than knitting scarves, reading to my daughter, and playing hide the cilantro with my guinea pig.

I went to an adult holiday party the other day, and Santa was there. After shrieking and hiding behind a few other partygoers, I mustered up the courage to sit on Santa's lap. He rewarded me by giving me a bag of gifts that included condoms, lube, a penis lollipop, and other assorted sweets. Ehem, notice where his hand is in this picture? SEE, I told you Santa was a pervert. And HE has the nerve to wonder if you've been naughty or nice??

Here is my holiday wishlist (I shared a partial version with FetLife, they're holding a kinky toy giveaway):

- I wish I pooped cotton candy.

- I wish Beast came rainbows.

- I want rechargeable batteries AA and AAA.

- I want a weekend in a castle in Transylvaina.

- I want a ghost. But what kind? Do I want an old lady spirit who smells like lavender, or a friendly old man, or a sad little boy or mischievous little girl?

- I want a curio cabinet to display all my gorgeous sex toys.

- I want a stainless steel butt plug with jeweled end. While I'm at it, I'd also like a smaller non-leather strapon, a vibrating glass dildo, a wood dildo and a stainless steel dildo. These make great pussy stuffers.

- I want to be liberated, Wedge-style.

- I want assless chaps, my favorite redundant statement.

- SECRET wish: Someday I'd like Beast to dress up as a clown or Santa and rape me. That would be incredibly horrifying and thrilling. It might help me overcome my phobia; it's important to face your fears. Sitting on Santa's lap was a baby step in the right direction.

- Also, I think it would be funny to submit a sex action shot of me to this site called Capture the Magic, where you send in a pic of your living room and they will add an image of Santa to it so you can show your kids proof that Santa paid a visit. Blech, what a concept. Imagine Santa standing in line for a gangbang, or shushing an orgy. (I wonder if they have a similar site for people to send in pics of their churches and they'll add a pic of God so you can show your congregation proof that God is listening to your prayers...)

- I want hormone free birth control. Lucky for me, Beast has a Christmas tree, and we made sweet love under it the other night. I was sexily putting a condom on his dick when it suddenly flipped out of my hands (the condom, not his dick) and landed in the boughs of the tree. Made a lovely pornament. See? It looks like an angel's halo. I love how it's positioned right above the heart, so sweet! Of course I had to use another one, didn't want to risk tree needles poking holes in it.

Finally, I leave you with the sexiest image I've seen all holiday season - my friends Jeep Naked and Bianca posed as Mr. and Mrs. Naughty Claus for a drawing group at City Hall. I have to admit, this is hot.

What's on YOUR holiday wish list?