Flashbacks and Metaphors

By Kendra Holliday | January 30, 2017

A couple weeks ago, I went to my first therapy appointment wearing a long amethyst gown, pearl crown, white opera length gloves – regal and ridiculous as fuck. My new therapist was chic in all black. She pointed out that all the other therapists in the office were wearing black – mourning attire, in protest to the hostile political climate.

As a peace loving bonobo, I can’t stand having a violent chimpanzee in a position of world power representing my interests.

I’m going to therapy to deal with my menopausal mourning – this nation, my aging parents, dear friends dying.

A combination of the nation’s turmoil and divisiveness, along with listening to this podcast (at the 17:40 mark – btw the rest of the podcast is an excellent interview with actor and comedian Romany Malco) triggered a traumatic memory for me.

The part in the podcast that triggered me was a letter submitted from a listener who was sexually assaulted by a man. He abused his position of power and coerced her, cut her clothes off and sexually assaulted her.

I don’t know if any of you have experienced something like I have – being in your own home, inviting someone in you consider to be a friend, and then he pins you down on your bed, cuts off your pretty bright pink bra with a knife, and then flips you over and carves his initials into your back. You’re helpless, and he’s much stronger. This new government administration feels like that.

His initials, by the way, were his nickname:


He’s an active member of the local BDSM scene. He’ll probably be at Naughti Gras this year.

The assault happened years ago. I remember crying with anger as I defiantly sewed my bra back together – I liked it and wanted to salvage it. I still have it.

Repaired bra from “wardrobe malfunction” caused by a man and his knife

I told my friends about the assault and they chose to remain friends with him, until he eventually turned on them. Sucked for me, sucked for them.

He went on to damage other women (mutilated at least one woman’s vulva with a knife, drove other women insane), yet remained respected in the community – he even presented at Washington University and taught young college women.

It’s not fair. Life’s not fair, but we keep surviving.

I’ve been having ups and downs, but I keep looking for beauty, humor, and solace everywhere I can.

Such as, hanging out with my sick mom. Turning what seems like a burden into a fun diversion.

Most importantly, I’ve been looking for TRUTH. So many lies swirling around, it’s hard to know what is true or not anymore.

But I pledge to remain open and honest. I pledge to maintain Cowboy Ethics to the best of my ability. I pledge to continue to do my part to make the world a better place.

I’m grateful to have sexually creative gifts and wisdom I can share. As a sacred prostitute, my body, mind, and spirit are full of treasures to behold.

My female energy is valuable. I must tend to it so I can continue to radiate and maintain my strength. As long as we are living, we can produce a renewable resource of vitality.

Tomorrow is my next therapy appointment. I’ve been diligently working on self-improvement – journaling, yoga, going to see live music, finding refuge at the art museum, taking on new projects (submitted a conference proposal! learning runes and sign language! writing a Foreward for a new book on polyamory!), trying herbal elixirs from Cheryl’s Herbs.

I’m grateful to be surrounded by loved ones – my daughter, family, loved ones and lovers…and my amazing partner. Such a source of strength and comfort. And SANITY.

After several days out of town at a conference, he got home last night at 10pm, exhausted, but he stayed up to expertly tend to my physical and emotional needs until well after midnight. He held me for a long time in the candlelight; his chest is my safe haven.

In the morning, the first thing he uttered was, “I fucking love you.”

And then he went on to recite A Thousand Kisses Deep, in his rumbling, sleep graveled voice:

“You came to me this morning
And you handled me like meat.
You’d have to live alone to know
How good that feels, how sweet.
My mirror twin, my next of kin,
I’d know you in my sleep.
And who but you would take me in
A thousand kisses deep?”

Ultimate comfort and safe place

Keep looking for the beauty in the world. Be The Beautiful Kind. Do your part to make things better.

Replace the fear with love.


CapnMarrrrk 2017-01-30 06:59:58

Thanks for sharing your story and your care process. I love you and am glad you’re in my life


    Kendra Holliday 2017-01-30 07:01:42

    Thank you for being one of my dearest friends and lovers!


Jeff Rundquist 2017-01-30 15:52:49

There will always be more love and beauty for those who courageously seek it. You’re own beauty is indeed valuable. All here at STSTL honor and respect you. We wish you peace.


Suzanne 2017-02-04 10:55:24

This is my favorite of your posts — vulnerable and honest. xoxoxoox


Algernon 2017-02-04 12:49:27

Grateful you’re still blogging and sharing the process so that others can benefit too. May we awaken all together.


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