His Vasectomy: The Best Valentine’s Gift Ever

By Kendra Holliday | December 12, 2013 at 3:45 pm

Guess what Matthew got me for Valentine’s Day?

A vasectomy.

A peek inside the manjunk.

It was definitely a gift for both of us, but you better believe I was thrilled that for the FIRST TIME EVER,  my male partner was taking  on the responsibility of birth control. I mean, BESIDES just slapping a rubber on.

For years I’ve ingested artificial hormones, endured alien objects wedged in my womb, had fetuses vacuumed out of my uterus, burned my vaginal lining with spermicide, gained weight from injections, tricked my body into thinking it’s pregnant, and more.

Finally, a man stepped up to the plate and underwent an invasive, life altering procedure so that I wouldn’t ever need to worry about getting pregnant again (so long as I fuck him).

I’m honored, in awe, and incredibly grateful.

SO many men are afraid of having their balls sliced, which is certainly understandable. But I was amazed to discover how many fine men I know who have joined the V-Safe Club – LOTS of them! Childless and with children, from their 20′s to their 50′s.

We were excited to find out that insurance covered the procedure – it only cost $100. We both did a lot of research, and Matthew finally settled on a urologist he felt good about.

There are SO many stories to be found online – from horror stories to cakewalks. I was most intrigued by this website documenting one man’s experience in words and pictures.

We eagerly anticipated the big V day, had a ball shaving party (a first for him), and when the big day finally arrived, I was NERVOUS. He didn’t seem a bit anxious. It felt like a huge deal to me. I was 99% relieved, and 1% sad. I’ll write about that 1% next week.

Before the appointment, we toasted with some Nutcracker Ale, and on the way there he played his Vasectomy playlist, which included the song Goodbye, My Lover:

So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
I’ve shared your dreams and shared your bed.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one for me.

I teared up a little as he sang poignantly to his testicles.

Stabbed and Stuck.

Severing Vas Deferens

I wanted to come into the room while they sliced and diced him, but they wouldn’t let me. I had to sit out in the waiting room with the urologically challenged. Observation: people with bladder issues have bad fashion sense.

So bittersweet! I felt like a man sitting anxiously in the waiting room as my girlfriend got an abortion, but in reverse.

I pictured him like this poor guy on the left.

I know now that I’d much rather be the one in the room getting the procedure done than the one outside waiting and untouched.

I sat hunched over with my fingers in my ears, trying to eliminate my surroundings, which included visions of Matthew being sliced open so a mad scientist could conduct hideous experiments on him like switching his testicles and ears (having a fertile imagination can backfire on you sometimes), and the television above me, where Cesar the dog whisperer wore a mail carrier costume walking dogs while dramatic music played in the background, the kind used for true crime shows when the grisly murder is discovered.

I finished reading a book about the history of marriage called I Don’t: A Contrarian Guide to Marriage, which I didn’t get into much; quite academic and dry with the occasional “what a moron” thrown in.

Then I started reading Methland, which was about people in Iowa melting off their fingers and causing their children to be born without a proper working colon. I was just at the part where they were talking about how a meth high is six times better than sex, and wondering why meth didn’t render people sterile, when Matthew emerged from the confines of the evil laboratory.

He was the walking wounded.

We went right to the closest pharmacy to fill his pain pill prescription and ran into some friends there, who congratulated us on our V Day adventure.

We spent the weekend taking it easy, which means I had to keep beating him off with a stick. He had his first orgasm five hours after getting cut, he’s cum three times in a 12 hour period, we had a foursome less than a week later, and he’s been fiercely counting down his ejaculations ever since. He needs to have 20 before he can get his semen analyzed. I think he’s got six more to go. The plumbing seems to be working great, producing the same copious amounts of energetic, projectile spunk as ever.

Comments

Sonora 2011-05-30 21:45:19

Want. Without pressure.

OH! And how freeing to leave my former identity behind. <3

Reply

Lionman 2011-06-13 21:40:06

I recently pulled out and wore to an event an old T-shirt that says
Vasectomy
then it shows two oranges labeled “FUNKIST”
ALL JUICE
NO SEED

Reply

Diveman_10 2011-06-22 23:34:26

After 7 months of pain from my vas I am hoping for the pain to end and the fun to begin.

Reply

    Diveman_10 2011-09-05 21:05:34

    9 month now and still in pain…regret has set in.

    Reply

      Diveman_10 2012-01-02 23:20:28

      13+ months and still in pain, I will need another surgery to take care of this pain.

      Reply

Ohari 2011-06-29 14:13:11

Mine was a disaster in every way possible except the one that results in undesired fertility. It’s been 15 years and I still have pain. And I’m still glad I did it.

Reply

mctaverne 2011-06-30 15:17:57

Mine was the easiest thing in the world. A $30 co-pay and a little pain afterward, but that was it. I got mine on Friday and by Sunday, I could’ve had sex, I think.

Reply

biffballs 2011-07-14 14:58:47

My vasectomy (due to the date scheduled) doubled as a Christmas gift to myself and my partner. I had only minor discomfort (no pain) that lessened over the course of the next couple weeks. I felt lucky as I heard stories (both horrible and matching my own) from friends that got snipped.

Reply

RawLion 2014-01-12 13:42:40

DAMN ! Its funny because I have been thinking about this lately with my 5th child on the way any day now. But in the end, I feel there is no way I can let someone snip me with a razor so I can prevent having babies. I fear the unnatural side of things….the potential never ending pain. Life is a funny thing, we strive to do so much, but the greatest skill is possibly the most illusive, Letting go………an active non action…..
i simply let go of my thought, and I move forward. I can’t imagine who i would be without the humility of having 5 kids, the amazing growth, the worth of it all. I don’t in any way advocate for EVERYONE to go out and live this way. Life is full of many decisions…..but in the end we are not in charge, nature is…..

Reply

Sapphiewolf 2014-02-02 22:29:02

It’s been a long time since I last contributed on your site TBK, but I learned something interesting that I thought I’d share. Recently, I’ve heard tell of a polymer that is injected into the Vas Deferens in order to create a very easily reversible birth control method for males. It’s known by two names RISUG (reversible inhibition of sperm under guidance) and the US name for it will be Vasalgel. I’ll link to it because I’m incredibly excited for it and very much want to undergo it, if it receives FDA approval.

Information about it below:
http://malecontraceptives.org/methods/risug.php
http://www.parsemusfoundation.org/vasalgel-faqs/

Reply

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