By Kendra Holliday | June 8, 2011 at 4:30 pm
I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for six years and we have a great house and great jobs. Life is great! There’s only one thing missing – we’ve been trying to have a baby for the past two years. Trying to get pregnant has almost become an obsession for me. It’s taken the fun out of sex. People give us all sorts of advice, from practical (recommending positions) to silly (place a rabbit figurine facing east in the bedroom). I hate to admit it, but I’m starting to get desperate. My gyno says things seem to be in working order. We’re saving up for invasive fertility treatments. I WANT A BABY! Why is it so hard??
You know, I’ve had many obsessions in my life, and one of the most surprising ones to me was when I got obsessed with having a baby.
All my life I had no interest in breeding. As a kid, I remember shuddering with horror just thinking about childbirth. I saw my mom get ripped apart over and over – she was pregnant at least seven times, and the last birth, they yanked her bladder out with my baby sister. She’s had incontinence issues ever since.
Nevertheless, I fell in love with some guy and got hit by a maternal urge over pancakes, so we got married and decided to have a kid. We had been in a traditional vanilla monogamous relationship for over five years at that point.
I was shocked to discover that pregnancy was an elusive goal. I mean, what’s easier than throwing birth control out the window and fucking a lot? It took us two years and two rounds of Clomid, a fertility drug, to finally conceive our daughter. It got to the point where we dreaded sex and he resented me for pestering him for sperm deposits.
Since then, I’ve learned a lot, and here is my crazy recommendation for people who want to make a baby. This idea is based on several biology books I’ve read.
Humans are not naturally monogamous. You might be in love, but your bodies are tired of each other.
I believe a monogamous lifestyle promotes infertility.
Your husband is producing bored sperm, and your eggs are not particularly inclined to present themselves for fertilization.
So here’s what you do:
ADD SOME STRANGE TO YOUR LIFE.
My recommendation: Figure out your peak ovulation. I use this ovulation calendar to track my fertility cycle.
If I was in a regular monogamous relationship, I would invite a nice, handsome male friend who is happy to volunteer his virility and sex appeal to the cause over for a sexy dinner right around the time I was due to ovulate. So it’s you, your husband, and this sexy guy friend.
Light some candles, put on some sultry music, cook something together – seafood pasta, spicy Mexican. Drink some beers. Share a bottle of wine. Eat something chocolatey with whip cream for dessert.
After dinner, retire to the living room, where you seduce the handsome male volunteer. The point is for your husband to see you with the other man, and for you to get turned on. So dance together, or play a makeout game, or if you’re really nice, blow him. Just make sure his sperm gets nowhere near your vagina.
This will cause you to drop an egg meant for the newcomer. Your body will be ALL ABOUT IT.
Meanwhile, your husband will be super turned on and competitively aroused. He’ll start creating the right sperm for conception – FIGHTER SPERM. His cock will be drooling and champing at the bit to be inside you.
After you’ve had your fun with the male extra, send him on his way.
Then FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR HUSBAND. Roleplay and orgasm are in order – pretend you are fucking that guy, or pretend your husband caught you being unfaithful and now he’s reclaiming you. Pretend like you’re having a threesome and two men are having their way with you repeatedly.
The next day, replay last night to each other, talk about how hot it was when you did the strip tease for that guy as your husband stroked his straining cock… Then get carried away and fuck again with abandon.
This exercise will take you out of the McMansion in the suburbs and back on the plains of the Savannah. Clan of the Cave Bear, baby. Into the Wild.
Talk about this with your partner – does it sound fun, exciting, different? Is it too much? Then tailor it to suit your comfort level – go out dancing instead. Flirt at a party. If you must, skip the part where the other guy comes over and go right to the roleplaying. SHAKE THINGS UP. Your bodies both want something different, so trick your bodies. Have your husband wear different cologne. If he’s always sweet and attentive, pretend he’s a gruff intruder.
Use your imagination. Give your bodies something to get excited about. My husband was always vanilla and nice to me, but the night I conceived he was a mean jerk about it, which kind of freaked me out, but hey, it worked.
Two other times I conceived in my life were also non-monogamous related – I was sleeping with three different men and had dates with all three of them in one week. I have no idea who the father was. The other time I was having a sexy sleepover with a girlfriend of mine and my boyfriend. I got so turned on watching them mess around, he got so charged up, we had sex the next day and voila – instant oops.
Do you think it’s a crazy concept? Have any readers experienced similar success getting pregnant? Let me know what you think!