How Do I Conceive?

By Kendra Holliday | April 11, 2014 at 5:30 am

Dear Kendra,

I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for six years and we have a great house and great jobs. Life is great! There’s only one thing missing – we’ve been trying to have a baby for the past two years. Trying to get pregnant has almost become an obsession for me. It’s taken the fun out of sex. People give us all sorts of advice, from practical (recommending positions) to silly (place a rabbit figurine facing east in the bedroom). I hate to admit it, but I’m starting to get desperate. My gyno says things seem to be in working order. We’re saving up for invasive fertility treatments. I WANT A BABY! Why is it so hard??

My reply:

You know, I’ve had many obsessions in my life, and one of the most surprising ones to me was when I got obsessed with having a baby.

All my life I had no interest in breeding. As a kid, I remember shuddering with horror just thinking about childbirth. I saw my mom get ripped apart over and over – she was pregnant at least seven times, and the last birth, they yanked her bladder out with my baby sister. She’s had incontinence issues ever since.

Nevertheless, I fell in love with some guy and got hit by a maternal urge over pancakes, so we got married and decided to have a kid. We had been in a traditional vanilla monogamous relationship for over five years at that point.

I was shocked to discover that pregnancy was an elusive goal. I mean, what’s easier than throwing birth control out the window and fucking a lot? It took us two years and two rounds of Clomid, a fertility drug, to finally conceive our daughter. It got to the point where we dreaded sex and he resented me for pestering him for sperm deposits.

Since then, I’ve learned a lot, and here is my crazy recommendation for people who want to make a baby. This idea is based on several biology books I’ve read.

Humans are not naturally monogamous. You might be in love, but your bodies are tired of each other.

I believe a monogamous lifestyle promotes infertility.

Your husband is producing bored sperm, and your eggs are not particularly inclined to present themselves for fertilization.

So here’s what you do:
ADD SOME STRANGE TO YOUR LIFE.

My recommendation: Figure out your peak ovulation. I use this ovulation calendar to track my fertility cycle.

If I was in a regular monogamous relationship, I would invite a nice, handsome male friend who is happy to volunteer his virility and sex appeal to the cause over for a sexy dinner right around the time I was due to ovulate. So it’s you, your husband, and this sexy guy friend.

Light some candles, put on some sultry music, cook something together – seafood pasta, spicy Mexican. Drink some beers. Share a bottle of wine. Eat something chocolatey with whip cream for dessert.

After dinner, retire to the living room, where you seduce the handsome male volunteer. The point is for your husband to see you with the other man, and for you to get turned on. So dance together, or play a makeout game, or if you’re really nice, blow him. Just make sure his sperm gets nowhere near your vagina.

This will cause you to drop an egg meant for the newcomer. Your body will be ALL ABOUT IT.

Meanwhile, your husband will be super turned on and competitively aroused. He’ll start creating the right sperm for conception – FIGHTER SPERM. His cock will be drooling and champing at the bit to be inside you.

After you’ve had your fun with the male extra, send him on his way.

Then FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR HUSBAND. Roleplay and orgasm are in order – pretend you are fucking that guy, or pretend your husband caught you being unfaithful and now he’s reclaiming you. Pretend like you’re having a threesome and two men are having their way with you repeatedly.

The next day, replay last night to each other, talk about how hot it was when you did the strip tease for that guy as your husband stroked his straining cock… Then get carried away and fuck again with abandon.

This exercise will take you out of the McMansion in the suburbs and back on the plains of the Savannah. Clan of the Cave Bear, baby. Into the Wild.

Talk about this with your partner – does it sound fun, exciting, different? Is it too much? Then tailor it to suit your comfort level – go out dancing instead. Flirt at a party. If you must, skip the part where the other guy comes over and go right to the roleplaying. SHAKE THINGS UP. Your bodies both want something different, so trick your bodies. Have your husband wear different cologne. If he’s always sweet and attentive, pretend he’s a gruff intruder.

Use your imagination. Give your bodies something to get excited about. My husband was always vanilla and nice to me, but the night I conceived he was a mean jerk about it, which kind of freaked me out, but hey, it worked.

Two other times I conceived in my life were also non-monogamous related – I was sleeping with three different men and had dates with all three of them in one week. I have no idea who the father was. The other time I was having a sexy sleepover with a girlfriend of mine and my boyfriend. I got so turned on watching them mess around, he got so charged up, we had sex the next day and voila – instant oops.

Do you think it’s a crazy concept? Have any readers experienced similar success getting pregnant? Let me know what you think!

Comments

bas bleu 2011-06-14 16:00:07

Seems I could get pregnant any old time with a new hot guy, even if we were really careful. But it took months and months of “trying” for both pregnancies with my husband.

Reply

The Nerd 2011-06-18 14:37:09

I had a fun 3-way at a party last weekend, and my boyfriend stopped in to watch for a bit. Apparently that’s all it took for him to want lots and lots of hot sex all the next few days. There’s something about competition that makes people step it up a notch.

Reply

Kitty 2012-01-23 09:04:05

You just described really good sex between my husband and I. The first 5 years we had very little sex and difficulty getting pregnant. I also had a baby-phobia all my life until I married this man and got the idea we should reproduce…and found out how hard that was. Instead of fertility drugs, which is what doctors recommended and would have been the next step if we hadn’t gotten pregnant, we tried acupuncture for fertility. It worked. Since having a baby and subsequently less sex than ever, which was not saying much, we have gone the route you described in your answer and all I can say is we are fucking like porn stars. He is always ready and with a fighting sperm-filled cock. Me too, minus the sperm and cock, lol. Role play and involving others…EVEN JUST TALKING ABOUT FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE and telling each other what we would do to ‘this person’ IF they were here has changed our sex drives considerably. Role playing and indulging each others’ fantasies and, to reiterate, TALKING ABOUT IT even if doing it is out of the question for you is enough to amp things up. And while I am not trying to conceive so I cannot say if this idea works, I TOTALLY believe there is logic behind this idea. Absolutely worth trying!

Reply

Leave a Comment

Please see the Community Policy for comment guidelines and rules.

YouTube RSS

Twitter

TBK365

Thank you to everyone who spread the word and showed love and support today! Tell your loved ones how you feel about them...right now

TBK365

My brother has been found!

TBK365

Just talked to a psychic. She said my brother is alive and should turn up in the next day or two.

TBK365

More info on my missing brother in Irving, TX - Jayson Prouty http://t.co/mp8bP4L4CL