How NOT to Have a Threesome With Your Girlfriend

By Kendra Holliday | May 21, 2015

Would you like to take a peek into my email inbox? I get inquiries like this almost daily. MEN: Please take note.

So I get this email from a random guy:

I just discovered your blog today and would love to meet you. I am a 37 year old male with a great body and a Hugh sex drive. Let’s make it happen!

I reply:

Glad you like my blog! How did you find it? Let me know if you’d like to schedule a consultation. $60/hr

He replies:

I came upon it in the RFT. I’d like to get to know you better… What does the consultation entail?

I explain:

A consultation is $100 for an hour, in a public setting. A way to get to know each other and find out more about you and what you are seeking (I pretty much put everything out there about me, but don’t know anything about you!)

He shoots back:

Eventually, if you decide you want to, I would like you to join my girl friend and me. Is that something we can work towards?

Houston, we have a problem.

This is the first red flag. I’m not sure how many random men have contacted me in the past five years requesting my services to be a third in the bedroom, but I would guess the number is in the hundreds. Do you know how many of those actually came to fruition?

ZERO.

This approach NEVER works. For the most part, you can’t just dial in a threesome. It’s hard enough to pull off with a paid sex worker. Not only do you have the extra woman to deal with, but you also have your current partner to consider. Of course the guy is on board, but what about her? Is she on the same page?

With that in mind, I respond back with the following:

Sure, will she be at the initial consultation as well? Is this a fantasy you have discussed with her? Have you ever had a threesome? With someone else, or with her?

He replies:

She is interested, but a bit skeptical. I would like to sit down with you and discuss how we can warm her up and dispell her fears. I have had a threesome; it was an amazing experience. I’d love the chance to explore my sexuality with you in private as well.

Another red flag. This guy is terribly misguided. Plotting behind your partner’s back about a surprise birthday party is one thing, but trying to come up with a plan to talk them into a sex act involving other people? Not a good idea. Not to mention the fact that he’s looking to cheat on her with some sex blogger he just found online. Granted, it makes sense to reach out to me since I’m obviously experienced when it comes to threesomes. Is he open to learning the right way to go about this?

I reply:

Yep, threesomes sure can be amazing! Well…your approach is not the best for achieving your goal, so I suggest we meet for that initial consultation to discuss. If you’d like to meet, I need your first name, phone number, and description of what you look like.

I’m booked this week but can look at my next week schedule if you’d like to set something up. Would an evening or weekend work for you?

I figure that perhaps I can talk to him and offer him tips on how to relate to loved ones better. I want to tell him that being open and honest with your partner about your desires instills trust and dispels fear.

He replies:

I’d like to get to know you a little bit before we meet for my own comfort. Is this okay? Swap some emails. You fascinate me 😉

OK, game over. He’s a lost cause. I reply:

Sorry, but I’m a professional & too busy for pen pals. I can already tell that you are self-centered & don’t respect women. If you want your fantasies involving women to come true, I suggest you work on that.
Good luck,
Kendra

Seriously. If you want your fantasies involving women to come true, you have to learn how to respect women and know how to relate to them. All the amazing threesomes I’ve had in the past decade have been with men who understand interpersonal relationships. They aren’t just thinking about their dick. Building relationships is important.

If you play your cards right, you can realize your most exciting fantasies. If you want to cut corners, then just stick to watching porn.

Comments

fuzzilla 2012-08-23 15:38:34

I bet there was no girlfriend.

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2012-08-23 18:02:52

    Oh I think there’s a gf – but not for long!

    Reply

Brian 2012-08-25 03:48:01

You are generous to reply at all. I would have trashed the original email to the bit-bin without a second thought. As an aside, my wife and I love your blog, keep up the good work Kendra!

Reply

ILUVMYWIFE 2012-08-25 05:36:01

I hope you remember me and my lovely wife. To refresh your memory we both had a consultation with you last year and have attended a few of the SEX+STL events. You might be surprised to learn that I DON’T want to have a threesome with you. You are the sexiest woman I’ve ever known that I don’t want to have sex with. I like things just the way they are. My sweetheart and I love knowing you and reading your blog and attending SEX+STL events because it revs up our desire for each other. After each SEX+STL event we’ve attended we go home and have GREAT sex. We have had other partners before and we don’t rule it out in the future but right now that’s not something we’re in need of. We look forward to attending more SEX+STL events.

Reply

Kate 2015-05-29 19:30:54

Thank you Kendra for taking the time to educate these men. If even one out of a hundred eventually “gets” it, then your efforts will not have been wasted.

If men want more sex, it starts with respecting and listening to women and actively fostering safety for women. It’s long past our time to run sexuality, and everyone will benefit.

And yes, you ARE a professional!! $100 an hour is a bargain for your consultation!!

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2015-05-30 05:19:52

    THANK YOU! Dan Savage has a great quote for men on how to get more women interested in casual sex:
    http://meganhunt.me/post/72240219416/dan-savage-on-rape-culture

    Reply

    Sherrod 2015-06-01 16:14:20

    Kate,
    Have a little faith in us. Not all men are like this one ( although most of us are rather self-absorded when it comes down to the fact of the matter.), on rare occasions you will find one that truly understands.

    Reply

      Kate 2015-06-15 22:01:39

      Proof is in the pudding, Sherod. Educate your brothers rather than asking me to show understanding for the shortcomings of your gender. And keep up the good work!

      Reply

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