By Kendra Holliday | June 27, 2013
The other day I received this hard-to-believe email:
I’m a 50-year-old heterosexual woman, and I have never had an orgasm. I want to learn how. I honestly don’t believe that it’s a psychological or emotional problem. I believe that I haven’t been able to figure out the mechanics of my body yet. I have read a lot on it and practiced a lot, but every time, I will feel like it’s about to happen, and then it just goes away. Doctors haven’t been helpful – they are dismissive and tell me I’m perfectly normal down there. Any advice?
First, let’s review the four stages of orgasm: arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. I’m guessing you stall out during the plateau phase. Let’s examine some causes.
Have you experienced any sexual trauma? I spoke to a woman who didn’t have her first orgasm until she was in her 40’s. The reason why was because when she was a kid, she would hear her mom masturbate loudly and it traumatized her. They never talked about it and she decided she didn’t want to be like her mom. It was only after her mom died that the woman could claim her right to orgasms and break free from the mental hang up. She said she always enjoyed sex before but never let herself go – she would back off whenever the sensation became too much. She finally had to force herself to stick with it past that overwhelming sensation (it was scary for her) and get past that point and was glad to finally learn what she had been missing all these years!
Are you on any medications such as blood pressure or anti-depressants? Years ago, I was on Prozac and it really numbed me out.
This Alternet article is interesting: The Orgasm Gap: The Real Reason Women Get Off Less Often Than Men and How to Fix It – The gap between men’s and women’s frequency of orgasm is impacted by social forces that privilege male pleasure.
Have you read the book I Love Female Orgasm? It is excellent and comprehensive.
Personally, I think you will experience your first orgasm solo. Here is what I suggest.
Choose a regular date time for yourself, like Sunday afternoons or Thursday nights, an ideal time for you to have ME time on a regular basis. Take some time to meditate and relax. Make the environment comfortable for you – candles, romantic music – seduce yourself. Nurture yourself, love yourself. Before you get into your date with yourself, take a bath or get a massage or pedicure.
Get a Hitachi Magic Wand. It plugs into the wall, it is powerful. If you use it under the covers, the sound is pretty muffled. Some women like direct stimulation, others need padding between the vibe and their parts. I like putting a blanket or towel between it, unless I’m using an attachment with it. You might want to order it with attachments.
The Hitachi Magic wand is the vibe of choice for the majority of women – I use mine twice a day!
Lie flat on your back, with your legs straight or bent, whichever feels right. I tend to like my legs straight, I like tensing my leg muscles. Or try lying on your stomach sometime and see if that changes sensation.
Read erotica while you’re stimulating yourself or watch porn. It’s important to make sure the brain has a good connection to your sex nerves – it’s 80% mental.
The other day I experimented with this – I masturbated with the Hitachi Wand and didn’t think about anything really, and it felt pretty bzzz, ho hum, like I could’ve done that for 20 min or longer and nothing would’ve tipped for me. Then, I flipped a mental switch and started going through my mental fantasy rolodex for something that turned me on, and when I hit on a good one, I worked it over in my head and kept replaying the hot moment over and over, until I finally hit orgasm a few minutes later.
Try breathing deeply. Try holding your breath. Try tensing your leg muscles. Try relaxing. Give it 20-30 minutes.
All that said, have you ever tried using a vibrator while a partner embraced and kissed you? If kissing is a big turn on for you, maybe you need that sensual male energy flowing, maybe incorporate breast stimulation into it as well.