I Was Sexually Assaulted – This Year

By Kendra Holliday | March 19, 2016

You know how I was molested and raped in the past, right? Most women have, and some men, too. It’s WAY more common than statistics indicate.

Well, imagine my surprise when I was sexually assaulted a couple months ago! I didn’t see THAT coming.

Here’s what happened.

Yay, stockings!

Yay, stockings!

We were out of town on vacation. We ran into one of Matthew’s friends, a really nice, attractive married man.

Over drinks, he lamented to us how he has a mad stocking fetish, and his wife never indulges him.

We asked him if he knew where his fetish originated, and at first he didn’t know, but then recalled memories of stroking his sweet mother’s legs when he was a little boy. So stockings have very positive connotations for him – fetishes run deep.

After checking with Matthew, I offered to let his friend rub my stockinged calves and feet. I thought it was a nice, generous gesture – after all, it’s not every woman who is as open-minded and sexually giving as me.

His face lit up like a kid at Christmas.

We went back to our hotel room, and I half undressed, and put my feet in his lap. He remained fully clothed.

He excitedly ran his hands all over the silky texture, just lapping up my erotic female energy. Women have wonderful curves all over, right down to their feet!

Matthew left the room to give him a little space.

I was not particularly aroused, it was just a little naughty fun for me, but the guy was having a blast. He was super eager like a hungry puppy. I felt bad for him for being denied something he craved so much. I gave his jean-clad crotch a loving rub with my foot.

And then suddenly, he rose up and started twiddling my nipples, as if he was trying to tune a radio station. I HATE having my nipples fiddled with like that, especially out of the blue. I was aghast.

THEN, he shoved my panties aside and JAMMED his fingers in my pussy, and started vigorously finger fucking me. I was stunned. I was dry and rubbery; it was painful. For the life of me, I don’t know why men like sticking their fingers in the vagina of a woman who is not into it. What do they get out of it? Is it thrilling to invade space like that? Is the female energy he’s plundering worth it? Do they think she likes it when she grimaces? Do they care?

He was absolutely overcome with lust, and I was completely caught off guard.

Finally, I shoved him away with my feet, and the awful spell was broken. He took his leave, probably to smell his fingers and jerk off.

I felt violated and angry. I was angry at him for being pushy and going too far. I was irrationally angry at Matthew for not protecting me. And I was angry at myself for inviting it upon myself.

I’m tough, resilient, and a survivor, which means I can process and heal pretty quickly from experiences like this. I try and learn lessons for future reference.

In retrospect, I am not angry at him, and I’ve forgiven myself. He shouldn’t have taken liberties like that, but I’m pretty sure if I would have put my (stockinged) foot down as soon as a boundary was crossed, he would have backed off. But I was so shocked I just let it happen until I came to my senses.

This is one of those instances where two people come away from an experience with totally different perspectives. He probably thinks it was awesome and hot. I thought it was terrible. If he knew that, I know he would be surprised and feel bad, and apologize and tell me “I just got carried away.”

Yep. He got greedy. He even ruined my stockings from all the rough manhandling, geez.

Then again, maybe when I touched his crotch with my foot, he took that as an unspoken invitation for him to touch MY crotch. Is this a case of if you’re gonna play with fire, you might get burned?

It gets complicated, doesn’t it?

I own what happened to me. Next time, I will use my words and speak up for myself. I will be more explicit when “negotiating a scene.” Before we got started, I should have said, “You can touch me from the calves down only.”

Then maybe things wouldn’t have gotten out of hand.

Interestingly, I have NEVER been sexually assaulted as a sex worker or by a stranger. All my assaults have been carried out by family or friends.

It’s also interesting that this happened to me, a 43-year-old seasoned woman who has been around the block a few times. Imagine what it’s like for teenage girls and women in their 20’s.

To anyone reading this: respect people’s boundaries. Ask for consent before touching, especially if you don’t know the person well. Be aware of a person’s personal bubble space – you can make someone feel uncomfortable if you stand too close to them, so just imagine what it’s like to have your most intimate core violated.

From the book "Energetic Boundaries," by Cyndi Dale

From the book “Energetic Boundaries,” by Cyndi Dale

Some of you don’t have to imagine – you’ve experienced it firsthand.

And for that, I am truly sorry.

Comments

Algor_Langeaux 2016-03-19 07:41:08

I appreciate that you don’t wish to demonize the guy… but you are cutting him *WAY* too much slack in my opinion.

The fact remains that he mistook your shocked silence for consent… WHICH ISN’T CONSENT.

Silence should never be conflated with consent… but we still cut folks a break for “misunderstanding” instead of calling them on their utterly fucked behaviors.

We need to hold people up to a MUCH higher standard, and stop listening to our inner devil’s advocate.

(one rape survivor to another)

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2016-03-19 08:05:05

    Thank you for saying so – just about every person in the past I’ve confronted for sexually violating me has acted genuinely surprised. I guess since they enjoyed it, they assume you had to enjoy it, too? I dunno.

    Reply

      Algor_Langeaux 2016-03-19 08:17:20

      We tell our children to USE (their) WORDS… yet we are not expecting the same thing from adults?

      Our society has oversimplified the consent paradigm. Most will be able to parrot back the idea that “No Means No”… but that puts the whole onus on the person that is (potentially) being abused to be able or even capable of saying “No” in the moment.

      Sadly, the D/s paradigm can further muddy the waters, by encouraging us to believe that sometimes “No” means “Yes”… or trusting in the myth of the safeword to ensure that “No” actually means “HARDER… DEEPER… FASTER”.

      I would guess that pretty much 100% of the rapists in the “Mens Rights” movement probably think that they have always been consensual… and are utterly shocked to find out that the women they gave roofies to really weren’t all that into it…

      Active, Ongoing, and ENTHUSIASTIC consent is really a thing, and we need to teach it to our children… and the emotional midgets who are comfortable wordlessly projecting their own consent onto others.

      Reply

Stephen 2016-03-19 17:49:58

On the other hand, I think you’re giving him way too much credit for being socially/sexually knowledgeable. You’re assuming he enjoyed the finger fucking and nipple tweaking.

My take is the guy is a social maladroit, one who is NEVER able to adeptly handle an uncommon situation (based on his nipple radio-dial tweaking, he hasn’t a clue). You touched his crotch, and since he hardly has any experience with levels of touch, boundaries, or care, he took that to mean ‘game on.’ Which for him means follow the porn book of sex: Nipples, fingers, dick, all while she has incredible pleasure (he thinks).

I don’t think he left to smell his fingers and jack off. I think he left by walking underneath the door because he felt so small and ashamed. He went to his bed and pulled the covers up and thought “ShitShitShit, I’ve done it again. I’m hopeless and helpless. I’m horrible.”

And in a way, he totally is. I hope he finds his way to therapy and learns to cope, to adjust, and how to mirror mature and adult situations. His love for mother/stockings indicates to me something happened in his youth to stilt his mental growth at around the mother/stocking age. He needs help, badly.

As for what you did? Perfectly fine. I hope you aren’t beating yourself up at all. You have a right to expect adults to know how to be adults. You have a right to expect respect and human caring. Matthew knows you can handle yourself, and also assumed (probably correctly) that the dude wouldn’t be able to enjoy a single thing with a man in the room, let alone YOUR man…especially with his intimidating size.

An attractive female showed him attention. He’s not used to that, not since childhood abandonment.

If you’d never met the man before and heard of this story happening, you’d (carefully) accept him as a sex surrogate client. God knows he needs all the therapeutic help he can get.

Having said all of that, it’s also perfectly fine for you to react to the dude any way you want – from a scathing email to a punch in the face (by you and/or Matthew). He won’t learn otherwise.

I’m very sorry this happened to you. You shouldn’t have to be ‘on’ as a psychological instructor every single minute of your life. But trust he had NO clue what you were feeling when it came to the inane nipple twists and dry-finger-humps. This guy knows porn only. And all girls love all things in porn. Always.

Hey! I’ve got it! You should start directing ‘Consent Porn!’ Get the amazing Laci Green to help you. Women (and many men) will love it – how romantic and what a GREAT alternative teaching tool/sex fantasy site!

“Can I kiss you?” “EEEEEeeeeee!!!! Yes!!”

Reply

D. B. 2016-03-30 22:07:38

When you rubbed his crotch with your foot, you could potentially have been sexually assaulting him. It sounds like he was OK with it, but you couldn’t have known that for sure in advance. You guessed (apparently correctly) that he would like it, just as he guessed (wrongly) that you would like having your nipples twiddled and your vagina fingered.

On the one hand, there’s the principle of “no harm, no foul”. On the other hand, there’s the principle that a fair standard of behavior should be applicable by an average person *in advance*, not in hindsight or with the benefit of better-than-average perceptiveness.

Reply

Charles H 2016-04-10 06:40:56

It isn’t just porn. Hollywood movies generally go from the date or meeting, then directly to a collage of penetrative or oral sex, maybe only with a stop at a tender kiss. All of the communication in between is cut or assumed. Usually, it’s the needs of the narrative to cut to the chase even when it’s really sex. Check the box: sex happened.

It does give the idea that after a certain point, anything is welcome and pleasurable. Worse, the scenes could be badly written, with the woman (because it’s always the woman) responding positively to something nobody would like.

Reply

K 2016-04-25 14:14:08

You’re blaming yourself way too much in this.
Even porn teaches that wet aroused pussy = good pussy. That enthusiastically moaning, responsive, women are aroused. So I don’t buy the excuses you or anyone else gave for him.

A teasing touch on the crotch through the clothes is in no way equivalent to fingers up a dry pussy. Maybe it was just a coincidence- maybe he would have done the same thing if you had not had your foot on his cock through his pants (and presumably underwear).

You were in a goddess worship scene and he topped from the bottom in the worst of ways.

Rape and assault are about feeling powerful, and then sexual gratification. There is very little true rape porn, and not much of an audience for it, even before credit card companies got so much more restrictive. 99% of porn, even BDSM with the woman as submissive, is all about female pleasure (female pleasure to the male’s ultimate arousal, but still, female pleasure). I can’t think of seeing any cocksucking porn where the woman wasn’t at least doing a passable job at pretending like she was into it.

I understand being so shell shocked that you didn’t say or do anything right away. You’re in one headspace and NOT expecting to be sexually assaulted. Similar thing happened to me at a good friend’s party (sexually touched through the clothes). I told the hostess and others once I wrapped my head around what happened (after I got home). I found out he groped another woman there at that small party too. I sent a guy a facebook message that he needs to keep his hands to himself and that no women in that group keep secrets. He sent one of the worst apologies that I’ve ever read, and I told him that it was accepted and that I would pass the word on (and I did send all the women at that party a screenshot of my communication). I didn’t say that I forgave him or that things were now OK. He can live with that insecurity and paranoia (if he feels it). If he dares to come to any bigger professional meetings in this circle, he will be watched and other women will be warned. Nobody cares WHY creeper dude did it (that was only like 3 sentences of a long ass group facebook convo), it matters that he was so out of touch with reality and on such a power trip that he groped more than one woman in our group.

Do whatever you have to do to get over it… but I would send him an email that his specific behaviors were unwanted, unwelcome, unpleasing, and so shocking that you had to mentally switch gears from being sensually aroused or whatever headspace you were previously in. Or let it go, whatever helps you the most (because he certainly did what helped HIM the most).

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2016-04-25 17:09:52

    I absolutely appreciate this well thought out comment. I think you are right, and handled your unfortunate situation with great maturity. I agree that people need to be called out on their behavior so that they can learn, and so that others can be spared similar mistreatment. We live in a rape culture. Too often people want to avoid addressing unpleasant situations.

    I just listened to an excellent podcast that relates to this topic: http://www1.play.it/audio/monique-sidneys-open-relationship/

    Monday, February 1st
    Why are we afraid to be ourselves?
    Mo’Nique and Sidney speak on the importance of being yourself and staying true to yourself even when situations end circumstances and people may not agree.

    Reply

shady 2016-05-10 14:36:58

Kendra,

No matter your age or experience, your brain & body have automatic respect need that bypass the concious mind. The Fight or Flight response comes from the sympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic system controls the freeze response.
It is a normal response, but you cannot control it.
A person is literally incapable of use her words once this response is triggered.
So I agree with so many others — please don’t be hard on yourself.
❤️

Reply

big bob the macho daddy 2020-01-28 23:30:31

“Then again, maybe when I touched his crotch with my foot, he took that as an unspoken invitation for him to touch MY crotch. Is this a case of if you’re gonna play with fire, you might get burned?”

..you answered your own question . . . think back to the very moment you made YOUR decision to reciprocate his advances . . . what did you expect the response would be . . .. from your description, up until that moment – it was a one-way transitory agreement . . you gave permission for him to rub your calves and feet to appease his stocking-fetish . . . the first red-flag should have been his incestuous obessions with his own mothers legs . . . its very simple . . . “kiss me and i kiss you back” . .. . .. he was touching your FEET and legs BELOW THE KNEEE.. .. . .. YOU ASSAULTED HIM BY TOUCHING HIS GENITALS – EVEN IF THROUGH CLOTHING . . .. . AND THATS ALL THAT IT COMES DOWN TO . .. . “MATTHEW” WAS GIVEN ORDERS TO LEAVE THE ROOM . . . . THIS IS NOT SEXUAL ASSAULT . .. . IF ANYTHING ,. . . LIKE I SAID…. YOU ASSAULTED HIM FIRST BECAUSE YOU MADE GENITAL CONTACT FIRST . .. .. . .AND THATS ALL IT COMES DOWN TO . .. . ..

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