Ignorant Fat Bitch: Words That Trigger
By Kendra Holliday | July 12, 2012 at 7:42 am
SLUT CUNT VAGINA WHORE BITCH
When I was a teenager, my mentally ill mom would call me a slut all the time.
My abusive high school boyfriend also called me a slut whenever he wanted to hurt me.
Because I was young and impressionable, they succeeded in wearing me down. I thought I was less of a person and unworthy of love. I decided, well if they keep calling me a slut, I might as well act like one.
I cheated on my boyfriend. I got a job as a stripper. I had sex with lots of different people.
By the time I was 19, my self-esteem was at an all-time low.
I could have kept going downhill and ruined my life, but instead I made the conscious decision to turn things around and triumph. I did not give up, and I surrounded myself with people who energized me.
I succeeded.
But you know what? I was the same person I was before.
I was still a slut.
That’s when I realized that being a slut was NOT a bad thing, it was a perfectly good thing! I grabbed hold of that word and OWNED it. I proudly self-identified as a slut for five years before SlutWalk was born. So it was puzzling to me why so many people were offended by the name. Didn’t you get the memo? I kept asking. A slut is not a dirty, bad woman! A slut is a person who is in touch with their sexuality, and that’s GREAT!
If a word hurts, I don’t think it should be banned. I think it should be repurposed like an old coat. Instead of throwing it away, sew some new buttons on it and put a flower in the lapel!
Why are some words capable of triggering people to feel acute visceral anger or pain? What gives those particular words so much power? Years of abuse and misuse? That can be turned around. You CAN turn negative into positive.
And as for the rule that minority groups are allowed to reclaim the offensive word but no one else is allowed to use it? I call bullshit. The whole point of using it liberally is to demystify it, to get used to the word because it’s not going to go away, so the goal is to remove the sting. Someone outside your group WILL say the word, either out of ignorance or hate, and it’s up to you whether you give them the power to psychologically hurt you by using those words.
Take all the people who have chosen to be furious with Dan Savage, and most recently, Laci Green, for saying the word “tranny.” People freaking out about it are causing way more harm than if they were to channel their energy in more positive ways.
What’s your trigger? What word uttered in your presence is like a punch to your gut?
Nigger?
Nigga?
Fat?
Tranny?
Slut
Cunt
Whore
Bitch
Pedophile
You’d be surprised what some people’s trigger words are. My friend who works at a sex toy store was explaining to a woman how a toy worked, and he used the word “clitoris.” She cringed and winced upon hearing the word, and he apologized, asking, “What word would you like me to use instead?”
“Front door.”
Can you believe it? She calls her clit the “front door.”
That doesn’t even make sense! Can’t she address her fear of that word and conquer it, instead of cowering behind misleading euphemisms?
Am I being unrealistic here? Are there some people in this world who have suffered a pain I can’t imagine or have such sensitive personalities that they are absolutely incapable of making the transition from victim to survivor?
If they hear a word that deeply offends them, is it their duty to make those around them suffer as well? Or can they diffuse the situation?
I believe in the power to own your own feelings. You can overcome. You can learn to process the sting of “bad words” so they leave your system quickly. Don’t hang on to them. Let them go. Chew them up and spit them out.
And then laugh and feel empowered.
Comments
The Nerd 2012-07-12 07:57:14
I appreciate your thoughts. I think the difference between you calling yourself a slut and Laci using “tranny” is that you called YOURSELF a slut as an honest declaration of who you are. Unless Laci is a trans woman, she can’t “reclaim” it because it can’t even be claimed by someone it doesn’t describe.
The Nerd 2012-07-12 08:04:03
As far as the reaction to Laci goes, my jaw is dropping. There’s a clear difference between saying “hey, I don’t think what you did was cool” and sending death threats! Some people lack basic humanity.
Kendra Holliday 2012-07-16 07:56:28
Yeah, people need to operate on mutual respect, which doesn’t involve fear tactics.
Molly 2012-07-12 10:15:49
Words are so very powerful and yet they often trip of the tongue without much thought. I know words have hurt me a great deal in the past but I think you are right about learning to overcome the feeling they trigger in you but sometimes these things are so engrained in us that it can be very difficult.
For me the word ‘stupid’ can often have be withdrawing into myself and even more powerful than that is the exasperated sigh that someone does when they feel like they are dealing with a complete fool. It makes me feels like a silly child again.
Mollyxxx
meadowgirl 2012-07-12 10:29:39
it’s not that they are triggering to ONE person. some words are actually OFFENSIVE like the n-word. there’s a much deeper connotation than just “triggering” or “low self esteem” for that particular word. it deeply offends me because i know it’s more than just calling someone African American a name. that needs and MUST BE RESPECTED by the group asking. period. same for the t-word. it’s offensive because it denotes that some people aren’t worthy of being treated like women. both of those sets of words have a totally different set of reasons for it being offensive than just “self esteem”. it’s a matter of respect.
personally, anyone who calls me the C word is going to find out right quick what will happen. it involves physical violence and probably having the cops called.
Dandy 2012-07-12 11:04:09
Love this. I’ve recently come to see the word slut as a distinguished title. You are right Kendra! Words do need to be re-purposed and redefined. We can put a positive definition behind them. I am a slut & I live with integrity.
keonabug 2012-07-12 11:23:16
I pretty much agree with The Nerd, in general I think that reclaiming a slur is something that can only be done by people who have had the slur used against them.
Also, although I support people who want to reclaim their words, I think individuals can only reclaim words for themselves not for their whole group. For example, although I’m black and it’s been used as a slur against me I don’t don’t want to reclaim “nigger”. If other black people do then that’s fine but I feel that they should only use it to refer to themselves or others who have also reclaimed the word.
in bed with married women 2012-07-12 12:00:54
love your sassy face in your slut, etc… photo. though now i kind of want “clit” to be changed to “front door.”
2bit 2012-07-12 19:16:34
Kendra,
I couldn’t agree more. People attribute too much connotation to the words themselves. We should take context and intended meaning into consideration before condemnation.
I was once ridiculed and threatened by a coworker for directly quoting her use of the word “nigga”. Like I said it was a direct quote, in context.
Buddha 2012-07-14 15:42:08
I touched on this once in a post called “Cupcake.” You actually commented on it, in fact. Words are silly. They mean many things to many people. I don’t know why we give them so much power to hurt. A baseball bat or tire iron may be able to break us, but words? I agree. Chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out.
http://www.thewritingbuddha.com/blog/2010/1/6/cupcake.html
Kendra Holliday 2012-07-16 08:01:21
Good one! Another word that seems pretty offensive for folks these days is “creepy”.
Stephen 2012-07-17 17:11:08
I think it alll depends on the usage, the context, and who’s using the word (and why?)
When your mom was calling you a slut, she wasn’t calling you a name, she was trying to put her negativity upon you and hurt you. Same as your boyfriend at the time.
Railing on Dan Savage is ludicrous – he’s been the most supportive advocate for LGBT rights than anyone, and I’m quite certain he uses the word tranny for legitimate and reasonable purposes. He’s not trying to hurt anyone by using that (very very common) term.
I call my best-good friend ‘bitchfuck’ and mean it lovingly. As a fat white guy I have said “niggah puhleez!” to black guys that I’m cool with…and ended up testifying for the defense when one of these black guys sued his school and coach for saying “If you want people to think of you as niggers, then keep….” And the black kid said he had NEVER heard another white man use that term with him and he was horrified and emotionally scarred blahblah.
He got a lot of money in a settlement.
Which makes him a bitch nigger in my book. Yah. Said it…me and Katt Williams.
Jerry 2012-07-18 15:42:06
I offer these as commentary on an important topic for which I certainly do not have all the answers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-BxWV77MGc&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PyGETSd95s&feature=related
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