By Kendra Holliday | April 23, 2014
I’m at a place where I’m trying to figure out my true desire. Is there something like a step in between monogamy and non-monogamy? I tried both in the past (mono and poly), and both have advantages and disadvantages.
I like the freedom in poly, because it allows me to be more myself. Although I wonder if I need that freedom… I discovered some shallow drives behind that, so maybe I’m past that phase? I like that poly challenges me to grow as human being. I enjoy the intimacy and the different connections you can have with different people.
Although I don’t like that it is so much work! In mono I have to say I like the easiness that goes with it… you just “belong” to each other; the rules and expectations are firm. I also like the intimacy in mono, which is of a different quality than what I’ve found in poly.
I agree strongly with being honest with yourself and going for what you truly want, in relationships, and more so, in ALL aspects of your life. Not an easy thing to put into practice, by any means, but to walk down a path with strength and conviction, one should first know which path IS the right one for you. And there lies my question: how do you know?
At first glance, I thought your question was akin to the concept of being “a little bit pregnant” – either you are or you aren’t monogamous.
But of course like everything else, there is a spectrum. (Have you ever heard of that Hollywood Free Pass Rule married monogamous couples often have, where they’re allowed one celebrity they can fuck if given the opportunity? Because they know deep down they harbor desires like that, and they figure it’s a safe game to play because it would never come true in a million years? Wouldn’t it be awesome if someone really got the chance to exercise their free pass? That would make a great TV show, talk about drama!)
On one end of the spectrum is monogamy – only being with one other partner. The other end is constantly being with multiple partners. (Where does serial monogamy fit on the spectrum?) But what about being monogamous for the most part, but realizing that every once in a while, over the course of several years, you will encounter someone you want to be with and want to go for it without sacrificing your wonderful relationship?
I love my fluid relationship as it is right now, where we’re dipping in and out of casual and more intimate encounters with friends and lovers on a pretty regular basis, but I could easily be in a relationship that was 90% monogamous, meaning I would be okay with only rarely getting with another person. I could NOT be in a relationship that was 100% monogamous. I need to exercise my right to be a human who craves novelty and unique experiences.
There are rules you could add on to your traditional relationship that would give you some wiggle room – you can only be with someone of the same gender, or only once in a blue moon, or your partner must be present, or only when you’re out of town on business, or only if you’re in Amsterdam, or only when your partner is in a coma – whatever setup works that doesn’t trigger mass destruction and the end of the world. I suggest you look into the books Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, and Sex at Dawn.
Are any of you readers monogamous-but-not, aka monogomish? How’s it working for you?