Is This Man a Creeper?

By Kendra Holliday | March 2, 2012 at 6:00 am

To Catch a Creeper –
photo by Crystal Rolfe

I’ve been very good friends with Cap’n Marrrk and his wife ever since I met him online five years ago. At first we were email pals, but then I had an emergency – I had to vacate the guy I was living with’s house immediately and was homeless. I put a plea out, and Mark showed up to help. We’ve been fast friends ever since.

Here is what he has to say about reaching out to women online.

“I read Melissa’s article in XO Jane etitled ‘Please Don’t Send me a Picture of your Weiner and No, I Don’t Want to Meet Up’ and it got me thinking several unpleasant truths about myself that have been swirling around my head for the last few days.

To wit: Am I a ‘Creeper?’

The term has been turning up a lot in one of my social circles, and while it’s been vaguely defined by people I know, as in ‘X is kind of a Creeper’, no one has sat down and defined it. You just know one when you see one.

I looked it up on Urban Dictionary and got, ‘someone who uses facebook but is looking at other people’s profiles, going through their pictures, their statuses, their wall posts, their picture comments, subscribed to random people, their pages, liking comments on statuses from other people, It’s a lot like stalking but on more than one person!’

But I think it goes further than that, to actual contact with said person. So it’s not just adding them as friends, but actually communicating with that person.

Am I a Creeper? The unpleasant truth is, Yeah, I think I am.

Fuck.

So let’s get back to the article. Melissa has been outed as the ‘Hooker Teacher’, and this causes men all across the country in their 50’s to reach out and make contact. Most of them are encouraging and supportive messages, with the odd cock shot thrown in from time to time. Melissa’s main point is:

…my putting myself out there, literarily or otherwise, is not an invitation for people to publish poorly researched or purposely false news reports. And it’s not an invitation to everyone on Earth to get to know me privately.

The idea that any woman who has, at any time in her life, made herself sexually available (for money or for any other reason) should then, automatically, be perceived as available to everyone — sexually or otherwise — is absolutely wrong, and yet it’s insidious.

This is the pic that caught Mark’s eye

Thinking about it, that’s exactly how I met Kendra. I was cruising StumbleUpon for local girls and I saw a photo of Kendra, liked her librarian look and stumbled on to her blog.  Before long I was commenting, sympathizing with her woes, then one day I found myself helping her move. Yeah, that’s how we met in person. She needed help moving, and I helped her fucking move. A friendship was born and continues to this day.

Let’s jump forward a few years to the Age of facebook and Twitter. I’m now communicating with at least four, maybe five women who, while not all explicitly talking about their sexuality, fit my criteria of Sexually Open.

And what am I doing? The same socially awkward shit that I did in High School that didn’t get me laid – I became the asexual e-friend. My eyeballs are rolling around in my sockets as I write this, but it’s true. I’m not too different from the dudes in Melissa’s article that say things like:

I just read an article about you on cnn’s web site. I am sorry you lost your job. People need to understand that nobody is perfect and people make mistakes. I hope you find a job soon or hope that something good comes out of all this. Good luck!!!”– Edward in Orient, Ohio.

These women will ever, ever sleep with me, yet there’s a belief in some kind of magical transferral that makes us believe, ‘If I’m the supportive friend, you will want to fuck me.’

I hate to say it, but remember the lesson from High School. It didn’t work then, it won’t work now. This is not an argument to not be that guy. Go ahead, I love being a nice guy, but check your motives at the door.

Why are you saying these things what are YOU getting out of the exchange? Are you trying to be the nice supporter or do you really think the scales will fall from the object of your affections eyes and they will jump into bed with you? Some people just like pining for the unattainable, who knows. The mind is a tricky bastard and is made up of component parts that fight for emotional dominance THEN create a story full of cognitive biases to soften the blow of your decisions after the fact. But the fact is our minds, the story creating machines, are creating links where there are none.

Now for the being Human part. Much like masturbation, nearly everybody creeps and lies about it. The question is, what are you doing about it? There is a lot of talk in the air about privacy issues, and a lot of people have tried to lock down their accounts as tight as they can, while others vomit out the details. I’m going to say, that I believe it’s your behavior that makes all the difference. It’s one thing to read the details of another’s life, and it’s another thing to mention those details in a personal way, or inserting yourself into their lives (on-line or off line) without being invited. It’s uhhh, creepy. Creepy enough to be brought into a conversation about how Men communicate with Women in the Age of Total Information Awareness.

Me, I need to rethink my own behavior and whether or nor I want to keep beating myself by imagining deeper connections with people I’ve never met (or rarely spoken to in person) than are actually present. Electronic intimacy is several orders of magnitude removed from personal intimacy. It would do well for me to remember that.”

———-

So, what do you think? Is my friend Mark a creeper? If he is, is he a bad creeper or a good creeper?

In case you need a few more visuals to decide, here you go:

This is a pic Mark sent me when I told him how much I hated Crocs:

This is a pic of Mark stalking someone from “God Hates Fags” (photo by Josh Disher)

OK, maybe I shouldn’t show you this next picture of him fondling a mannequin that resembles Billie Piper.

Aww, I don’t care what you all say – I LOVE CAPN MARRRK!

PS: It really, really helps that his gorgeous wife is a fellow model and Queen of Grace.

Comments

The Nerd 2012-03-02 08:05:44

Like all things in life, it’s more about the spirit of the rules than the rules themselves. If I’m talking with a man (somehow it’s always a man) who is clearly using me as a means to validate his own sense of self, it’s kinda icky. Like non-consensual ego-masturbation.

I define a non-creeper as someone I don’t know that well who loves to talk with me about something that isn’t me. Not to say they’re disinterested in my life, but it’s more like “so I see that you like science. I like science!” or “wow, we’re both queer!” But the co-worker who told me I need to post more photos of myself on FB… yeah, not cool.

Reply

    babyboo 2012-03-02 13:05:30

    Maybe your co-worker was trying to be complimentary or had facebook fever. It would only be icky if they asked for more nudes or, like Rush, ask for sex videos.

    “So it’s not just adding them as friends, but actually communicating with that person.”
    It crosses the line to actually be a friend? Creepers!! I”M A CREEPER:cry: she’s a creeper, wouldn’t you like to be a creeper too?

    Reply

babyboo 2012-03-02 08:47:02

Flashing your privates sans invite is creepy. Capn Marrks photos above are funny not creepy. Creepy is a loaded charge and should only be applied to unambiguous heinous behavior. Softening the word to creeper does not lessen the slur. Capn’s guilt concerning his motivation for engaging in what social media is designed for might relate more to his feeling creepy toward his spouse. Creep should be judged by the actual deeds and words and not depend on the gender, attractiveness or likeability of the perpetrator. The boy or girl that cries creep indiscriminately at the unattractive lessens the word.

Reply

    Kendra 2012-03-02 17:46:10

    That’s right – CROC shots instead of cock shots!

    Reply

himself 2012-03-02 08:48:32

As a 50+ male who wanders around the internet reading things here and there, things which sometimes lead me to send, unasked for, a quick note of support to someone who could use it, maybe that makes me a creeper too. I don’t, however, fantasize about getting laid, or even meeting any of the people I’ve commented to or about. But every once in a while, I do wind up meeting one of them. That’s sort of how I came to comment here and now, and sorta how I came to meet Kendra last fall. So, does that make me a creeper? Seems it might. Is that bad? Actually, I don’t care if it does, because I’m not planning on changing my behavior. But I will shake my head in sadness at folks who find such a comment in their inbox but are unable to take it as a genuine expression of sympathy and good will.

Reply

ElaineGS 2012-03-02 11:47:52

Helping someone move in an emergency is the opposite of creepy. Prowling through someone’s public information? Not so creepy. Acting as if you know them when you don’t? You’re edging into the territory of One Hour Photo. Extending yourself sexually toward someone you don’t know is the far end of the Creeper spectrum.

Reply

WebMaster 2012-03-02 18:10:39

The ‘I am a pretty pony’ sign while stalking the Westboro person (or whomever they’re with, they all look alike to me) was funny. But if it had said “I am a pretty hate machine,” that would have been godly :grin:

Reply

    babyboo 2012-03-03 12:00:57

    god is love
    there were satirical signs using identical font and graphics as Westboro:
    GaGa
    HATES
    YOU

    Reply

capnmarrrrk 2012-03-02 18:30:52

When I was writing this I was flipflopping also with how the fact that I’m in an open relationship also fits into I’m looking at other women’s profiles. But I wasn’t sure how to incorporate it into the article. Me and Bianca were talking about it, after I wrote the article, and came up with the idea that I was in a “Hunting/Gathering” mode. I might think that I might also have a streak of emotional masochism in my, by pining for the unattainable.

There’s a lot going on with this issue, and Himself really hits the nail on the head. There may not be a guys who comment who actually desire or fantasize about getting laid. In the instances of Melissa, maybe some fellows want to be a supportive “White Knight”.

Reply

    Creideiki 2012-03-02 18:40:22

    “Emotional masochism.” Best description of “unrequited love” I’ve seen yet.

    Reply

Creideiki 2012-03-02 18:36:17

I have to admit that after my first reading of this, I was angry. I’m someone who is still polishing his social skills–I’m a lifelong introvert–and am acutely sensitive to anything that challenges my view of what I think is socially appropriate. How is being a “supportive friend” make one “socially awkward?” Am I REQUIRED to become a douchebag just to get laid? Admittedly, I’ve been a nice guy for years and have not taken most of the women I’ve met to bed. Does that make me “socially awkward?” I don’t think so. (Having said that, I would like to learn how to “close the sale,” so to speak, while retaining my values towards how women should be treated.)

Rant over. I think I have fallen into the “creeper” trap despite my best efforts. I do a lot of social dancing in several different styles, and I’ve met many women along the way. I used to send friend requests right away after I met a woman when out dancing, and found that in most cases they would not be accepted. Upon reflection, it occurred to me that I pulled the trigger on the friend request too soon, and might have come off as being creepy, even though my motives were, in my mind, innocent. Since then, when I’ve met women, I’ve learned to wait until I’ve seen them AND talked with them at least 3 times before sending a friend request out. When I’ve done that, they have almost invariably accepted my friend requests, because by then I’ve been able to establish that I’m there to dance and make friends, and not some creeper on the make, which is especially important since I’m quite a bit older than many of my dance partners.

I did have a woman I met send me a friend request, with an apologetic note that she hoped I thought she wasn’t being creepy. I wrote back that she wasn’t, but was surprised that she felt the need to justify her friend request. I was flattered, actually.

Reply

    capnmarrrrk 2012-03-02 23:11:26

    re: being a douchebag. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that being a nice guy doesn’t work, and that you need to be a an ass to meet women. That’s a totally different topic. It’s just that it didn’t work for me, nor did it work on the women I chose to approach. Sorry if I gave offense.

    Reply

      Creideiki 2012-03-04 11:32:08

      Oh no, you didn’t offend me at all. I was trying to make the point that I’m very confused about what is going to work and what doesn’t.

      Reply

        babyboo 2012-03-04 16:42:37

        Truth works, bullshit walks:heart:

        Reply

          JanusWanders 2012-03-05 10:28:36

          For some of us starting out however this maxim leaves us stuck. “Hi, I’m a 30 year old guy who has no experience whatsoever in a relationship with anyone that I could trust and care for, I don’t even know if I’m capable of such at this point given how long I’ve been single and confused, I have no idea how to carry on a conversation or what is expected of me in this intricate dance you all seem to do to form social and emotional relationships, and I live in an area of the country where the slightest social missteps will be repeated in the town’s echo chamber for the amusement of the hidden audiences so that I’m terrified of making any mistakes lest they become part of my ‘permenant record’ so to speak. Wanna pull the pin on this grenade?”

          Meanwhile across the room there’s probably someone talking about his crazy college days and the creepy stalker ex he once had who’s getting all the attention and affection out of an audience he could want.

          Remembering that for males this becomes biological as much as social/emotional at a certain point, it’s incredibly frustrating. We’re supposed to hit this perfect sweet spot of friendly but not overly friendly, emotionally available but not overdramatic or emo, an incredible listener who also has tons of entertaining stories to tell about his life experiences and such. Meanwhile people who just lie or get everyone involved drunk are doing fine for a time and seem to be enjoying life a whole lot more. It’s similar to the feeling of watching an artist you admire put his heart into his work only to die poor, while across the bar there’s someone printing out pictures of cats from the internet and making money hand over fist.

          I’m the first to admit it, but I just don’t understand.

Mark 2012-03-02 18:49:24

And don’t forget, we evolved as social beings. Being complimentary to others isn’t always about secretly hoping to get laid. It’s a bonding process we instinctively seek to feel part of a group, feel safe, and feel good that we’re also including others into our group.

Primates will pick bugs from their troop members’ fur to bond and feel like they’re a useful member of the troop. It often doesn’t involve any sort of a mating ritual.

I do random acts of kindness all the time – like running the mail up to the elderly lady’s house when it’s raining, bringing in food to work to share for no reason, giving up my seat to people who are elderly/pregnant, etc. I can honestly say I’ve never wanted to jump any of their bones.

OMG. By responding to this blog, I’m totally stalky-creeping out on you! Gah! Catch-22! Delete!

Mark

Reply

Amy Luechtefedld 2012-03-03 08:25:34

It seems to me that capnmarrrrk is really struggling with his sense of self, his compulsions and their consequences. Therapy can help. I would encourage him to find a good therapist and work this out. Feeling like a creeper can create new shame, more dysfunction, more poor boundaries, additional indiscretions…Lather, rinse repeat. Good luck with this capnmarrrrk.

Reply

    capnmarrrrk 2012-03-03 16:06:10

    Thank you for the concern, Amy. I’m only mildly shameful. I would say maybe at a level 3 out 10. I do less struggle with my compulsions and their consequences (so I believe), but I have generally a very good sense of self, that begins with the word “Awesome”, followed immediately by “Human” and “Flawed”

    Reply

Stephen 2012-03-03 15:35:23

I’m a stage 5 creeper, and I can assure you that “SO EFFIN WHAT.”

Facestalking is the norm these days. Sending a cock shot is always creepy unless requested. Sending a croc shot in your undies is kinda creeperish, but consider the person he sent it to – it’s pretty obvious that Kendra might just think that’s funny stuff, and she did.

Creeper is in the mind of the beholder, and the key to facestalking is to put it out there (not THAT, just ‘it’) and be very cognizant of the response so you can back it on down.

And for the record, of COURSE Mark wanted/still wants to eff you, Kendra. No one helps a girl move for pizza/beer. Reference Chris Rock for this…he nails it on the head.

For the record, I do NOT want to eff you, Kendra…cuz you’re too creepy for me! ;-P

Reply

    capnmarrrrk 2012-03-04 20:03:13

    Agreed!

    Reply

      babyboo 2012-03-05 08:57:35

      Way too creepy!!

      Reply

    The Red Scare 2012-03-06 07:35:52

    I call BS!
    Most of the times I’ve helped people (girls or otherwise) move, it’s been for pizza and beer, not for a hope of sex.

    Reply

2bit 2012-03-04 11:43:26

What if your unsolicited comments are not exactly supportive? Here’s a good for instance:

I find it hypocritical that it is socially acceptable to dismiss a supportive man as a “creeper” when the world gets up in arms when a woman is dismissed as a slut/whore. I don’t see much of a difference.

Essentially, what this idea implies is that men should never initiate a conversation/relationship with a woman he doesn’t really know. I see this as an unconscious attempt by certain women to gain an advantage over men.

When is it acceptable to speak with someone you have never met? I say always, how else are you going to meet people that share your interests?

Mark (guest) nailed it… I don’t know capnmarrrk at all. I’ve met Kendra once. Yet, I am commenting on her site and his post. Although I’m not being supportive per se, and I don’t want in either of your pants the question stands: am I a creeper for speaking when spoken to? Or should I keep quiet, read the article and buy something/click on the advertisements?

Reply

    2bit 2012-03-04 11:59:31

    @capnmarrrk, that you are being “creepshamed” for being who you are is despicable. A female poster describing her struggles with slutshaming would be harolded as a victim of society. This is no different. You are just being yourself, don’t be ashamed if who you are. Keep talking to people… Just like you are equals.

    Reply

      capnmarrrrk 2012-03-04 20:03:42

      Thanks 2bit. Any shame I feel is less what Society thinks of me, than how I view, how I think society would view me. It’s a couple levels removed. I’m NOT that shamed. :grin:

      Reply

      Mark 2012-03-05 19:19:09

      I propose we sponsor a CreeperWalk to coincide with SlutWalk. We’ll walk in parallel across the street from them and hoot supportive comments to them offering to lend support.

      Next time I see Capnmarrrk at Shameless Grounds, I’ll raise my fist and yell, “Creeper Power!” Then I’ll ask him why he blocked my Twitter account when I only barely creepered on him by replying to this post.

      :D

      Mark

      Reply

        capnmarrrrk 2012-03-05 21:05:56

        A) That’s hilarious in theory to say. B) Sorry about, I must have thought you were spam. Feel free to follow me. What’s your handle?

        Reply

          Where_Do_I_Fit 2012-03-07 18:40:41

          Technically, isn’t any unsolicited Tweeting spam?

          I registered my Twitter account, so now I’m an outed creeper. :surprise:

          Mark
          @Where_Do_I_Fit

    Kendra 2012-03-07 06:25:40

    2bit – wait, you don’t want in my pants?

    Reply

      Mark 2012-03-07 18:26:39

      Is it ok if I want in 2bit’s pants? There’s something about that anonymous avatar – so mysterious and dangerous.

      Reply

Leave a Comment

Please see the Community Policy for comment guidelines and rules.

YouTube RSS

Twitter

TBK365

He won't be able to feel aroused again for hours!

TBK365

Speaking of brushing teeth, tonight's Skype call featured CBT - I made him stuff globs of toothpaste down his peehole.

TBK365

Skype consults are a nice change of pace because I don't have to scrub the toilet, brush my teeth, wear pants, etc :)

TBK365

I saw the first episode of Sherlock with my daughter - I liked it! http://t.co/l00jCtxbOW