Masturbating to the Dishwasher

By Kendra Holliday | October 14, 2015

I’m not sure where to begin with this one, but it’s been a very strange week.

So many good, bad, and GREAT things are being thrown at me at once. My head is spinning! A really odd chain of events. Seriously, read on.

First of all, I’ve been coveting a sex toy for months called The Womanizer. I finally scored one, thanks to a virgin from Minnesota who gave me an Amazon gift certificate. He’s coming to visit me next week, and my guess is he won’t be a virgin by the time he leaves St. Louis.

I charged it up the other day,

Charging up the Womanizer

Charging up the Womanizer!

and my partner Matthew requested that I use it for the first time with him present. He wanted to be there for my first orgasm with this super special, virgin funded toy.

But despite all the rave reviews I found online, I couldn’t get off! It tugged on my clit and shot odd sensations up my nervous system, but I kept tripping up. I finally gave up in frustration. Not with the toy, but with myself.

“Maybe it’s better as a solo toy,” he said reassuringly.

Phew I'm tired!

Phew I’m tired!

Grumpy and disappointed, I set it aside for days. He kept asking if I tried it again, and I said no.

Also this week, my dishwasher broke. I have this weird relationship with dishwashers.

You see, when I was 18, my mom kicked me out of the house for not emptying the dishwasher. It wasn’t my turn to do it, but she was crazy and didn’t care. So she put all my stuff out on the front porch in paper bags, and I was homeless.

For years, I lived from place to place, and most didn’t have a dishwasher.

So when I finally moved into my house and it had a dishwasher, I was SOO happy. I LOVE having a dishwasher. I like emptying it and restoring order in the kitchen. I love running it at night – there’s something very soothing about the tumbling sound it makes as it magically cleans and steams the dishes, like an elf fixing shoes for the sleeping cobbler. You wake up in the morning, and voila! Sparkle!

Trouble is, I’ve been having terrible insomnia lately, and the dishwasher I’ve enjoyed for the past eight years was kerfucked. And RIGHT when I started using Blue Apron.

Blue Apron’s mission, besides delivering fresh ingredients to your door in the exact proportions so you can offer your child healthy and delicious meals and impress your friends, is to USE EVERY DISH AND CUTTING BOARD YOU HAVE. As a terrible cook who is used to sticking things in the microwave and hoping for the best, I’m not used to this bizarre phenomenon.

And apparently, neither is my dishwasher. It done quit on me.

SNAFU

SNAFU

After trying to run it three times unsuccessfully, I finally put all the dishes away in the cupboards all greasy and dirty, and made up my mind to buy a new one. It’s a cheap model, and rusted out.

A dear friend gave me a gift certificate to an appliance store, so I had an easy time researching and buying a new one. And great news! They told me it could be delivered in three days!

But there were still a few hurdles to deal with. The old one had to be disconnected when they arrived, and I had NO idea how to do that.

So when my friend came over last night, I casually asked him to help me pull it out. I had already unscrewed it, so I figured I just needed some brawn to give it a good yank.

Holy shit, he spent the next hour getting all sweaty and dirty. We had to turn off water, shut off breakers, run up and down the stairs, the damn thing was GLUED into the counter, and finally he had to give up because I lack a few tools in my toolbox (we all knew that, right??). I stood guiltily by, handing him a towel to mop his brow, and a vodka and club for rehydration.

He called his plumber, who agreed to come over tonight to help finish disconnecting it.

And also attend to a few other plumbing issues I wasn’t aware I had. UGH! And tonight was supposed to be my special date night! WAH!

My friend warned me, “This plumber is big and burly and carries a gun, but don’t let that scare you. He’s a good guy.”

He repeated that about three times, which made me wonder,

SNAFU

SNAFU

“Why do you keep saying that? Do I need a rape whistle? Is he going to shoot the dishwasher? Hell, I hope he does!”

I went to bed feeling out of sorts, with my dead dishwasher jutting out and taunting me, the counter top chipped (it was ugly anyway), crap everywhere, puddles drying.

Whirlpool, take me away...

Whirlpool, take me away…

Four hours later, I was awake at the stroke of 3am, as fucking usual.

After watching a fashion documentary and reading literature on Erectile Dysfunction, I decided to try out the Womanizer toy again, and see if I could get off.

And instead of fantasizing about my usual incest, bestiality, and rape scenarios, I decided to mix it up a little. I thought it would be a good idea to manifest some good energy toward the dishwasher so it would have a happy ending.

I put on the sound of a dishwasher on my sound machine app, and then fired up this grotesque porn clip one of my client’s shared with me.

He asked, “Do you know what a Venus Milking Machine is?” and when I said no, he was shocked.

“It’s like a Sybian for men!” and then showed me this porn clip.

So there I was, this odd mechanical device latched onto my clit, listening to the sound of a dishwasher to enhance my experience, and watching this guy get raped by a machine. I like how he’s wearing white socks, and there’s a can of WD-40 in the background. Also, the supplemental captions are funny.

The Womanizer claims it can get a woman off in 5 minutes or less, and you know what? IT CAN. It took me about 2 or 3 minutes to experience a somewhat embarrassing orgasm that quickly turned painful. In case you didn’t know, clits are sensitive!!! ahh – ow ow ow

When I told my partner about my mechanically tormented, sleepless night, he guffawed, “Can you imagine if one of your clients came to you and told you this story?”

I said primly, “And that is why I can relate so well to other people and their quirky sexualities.”

So, yeah. Let’s hope this whole dishwasher ordeal gets resolved soon. I hope burly gun guy can fix my plumbing. I hope the new dishwasher fits in the stupid counter hole and the guys who install it know what they’re doing. And I want magically squeaky clean dishes again! Mmm, I’m getting turned on just thinking about it.

I’ll masturbate to that!

Comments

jacob 2015-10-14 16:17:33

Ohh the frustration. You should have called me. I am a handy man of sorts…jack of all trades you could say. Have to keep myself bizzy since the wife doesnt. Ohh but I don’t carry a big gun…lol.

Reply

AlanK 2015-10-18 17:54:21

I just read a review of this toy that described it as the most effective woman’s toy ever made in the history of time. An incredible rave review. I wonder what is responsible for such an enormous difference in opinion. I suspect that for some people faster is better, while for others it’s the voyage not the arrival.

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2015-10-18 19:21:34

    YES I’ve read nothing but rave reviews! I was on the rave train for sure, but had to report honestly. It’s not the device – it’s me? I will definitely try it many more times and find what works best for me. It can definitely help give an orgasm in 5 min or less! I’m down for orgasms and toys of all kinds!

    Reply

Kendra Holliday 2015-10-21 06:51:42

The burly plumber was brusque, but got the job done quickly, and at a premium.
The guys delivering the new dishwasher were about to leave it just sitting in my kitchen uninstalled, but managed to hook it up for me before they left.
So, all is well on the dishwasher front PHEW https://twitter.com/TBK365/status/656116970916478976

Reply

AlanK 2015-10-27 07:18:38

The ohjoysextoy.com site exactly and completely agrees with you about this toy: it works incredibly efficiently but somehow isn’t any fun. Golly; maybe female sexuality is complicated. What a concept.

Reply

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