By Kendra Holliday | May 28, 2015
I’m really at a cross roads in my marriage due to mismatched libidos. My husband has a higher drive for “vanilla” stuff. I’ve told my husband about some of my kinks and he’s weirded out, even by things I consider pretty banal, like using a vibrator during sex. He’s kinda judgy about anything that isn’t penetrative sex.
I told him I wanted an open relationship but that did not go down well. I’m 29, he’s 34, we’ve been together 6 years. We never had a honeymoon period, sexually.
I’ve told him we should be doing these things while were young. If we don’t do these things with eachother they’re never going to happen.
I can picture myself in my minds eye, aged 50, frustrated and celibate.
I haven’t been vague in communicating what I want. Anyway the sorts of fantasies I’ve shared are forced orgasms, anal, etc. I mostly get off on an exchange of power.
My husband has said all my fantasies seem to revolve around things being done to me and they have the hallmark of someone who has spent a lot of time alone, in their head and they’re not healthy. I honestly think I’d be more up for “regular” sex if I felt my desires were respected or treated with some kind of curiosity. At present we have sex about once a month when I can manage to work myself up with my fantasies.
I do love my husband. We’re great friends and we have so much in common. But this is my number one frustration. The ridiculous part is my husband resents that I’m not ready and willing to fuck more than once a month. It’s not for a lack of drive, I’m just bored shitless!
What would you do if you were me?
Here is my reply:
Your situation is VERY common.
Mismatched libido is one of the trickiest topics! I touched upon it in this post on settling.
There are no easy answers, but one thing I always say that is NOT an option is stagnating and settling. Something HAS to change.
I just posted a pic of my summer reading list – see the title in the middle of the pile?
You might want to check some of these out.
Also, check out Dan Savage’s podcast, he covers this topic all the time.
I’m sorry to say, but it’s not going to get better. Your best bet if you hope to stay together is for him to get used to the idea of being open so you can get your needs met. Your turn ons are PERFECTLY HEALTHY and fine!
Do not sentence yourself to a life of doomed sex!! You both are holding each other back – you both are suffering and not having your physical and emotional needs met.
When communicating with your partner about difficult topics, try and remain calm and respectful. Reid Mihalko has a great formula for communication.
I’ve been in your situation – I was monogamous married to a vanilla man all through my 20’s. It was boring. I asked for an open marriage and he said he didn’t care, so I went out and started sleeping with other people (he didn’t think I would), and when he found out (I didn’t hide it), he totally freaked out. By then, I was done and wanted out of the marriage and we had a bitter breakup.
I wish I had done it differently.
But I am SO glad I took charge of my life and have had amazing sex adventures the past 12 years!!!
And I’m glad to say that we are on good terms now.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I know how difficult it is. It’s hard to imagine rocking the boat and facing the scary unknown. But I am here to tell you that it is a worthwhile journey.
To Your Happiness,