By Kendra Holliday | May 4, 2017
I’m 44 years old. Here is my life trajectory so far:
1973: I’m born in North Dakota. Brrrr!
1974: My family moves to Dallas, Texas.
1975: Who the hell knows.
1976: My brother is born.
1977: Um, Elvis dies?
1978: My sister is born. My brother throws up. I remember my first dream; I’m kidnapped by Captain Hook and held hostage with Raggedy Ann and Andy. He cuts off my foot and it looks like SpaghettiOs.
1979: My family moves to St. Louis.
1980: My baby brother is born, and dies two days later. My mom tries to kill herself several times, and when that fails, she burns his name into the back of her hand with a soldering iron. She is never the same again. A very dark time.
1981: Life still sucks. My mom is a complete wreck.
1982: My brother is born. My grandmother dies.
1983: I get molested by an older, adopted brother. It SUCKS. I get sent to therapy, and I don’t know why. I think I’m being punished. I am a victim.
1984: I have my first lesbian encounter. It’s hot and naughty. I’m 11.
1985: My baby sister is born. I drop her on her head, but don’t kill her. Skeptical about god’s involvement, I become an atheist.
1986: I hit puberty and middle school, and lose all my artistic talent and confidence. My family is poor white trash, and I am branded a zitty nerd. It sucks.
1987: My mom keeps getting crazier and crazier. It makes me crazy, and I attempt suicide. I spend time in three different mental hospitals. I lose my virginity to a 24 year old creep with a mustache because he keeps badgering me and I finally give in. It sucks.
1988: My moms tries to kill herself again. I put pressure on her slashed, gaping arms as my dad calls the ambulance. She gets hospitalized a lot, and OD’s, and gets shock treatment. I fuck around and feel very confused. It sucks.
1989: I have my first threesome. It’s perverted and awesome. I make a pact with my boyfriend to have sex every day for one year. Of course we succeed in this challenge.
1990: I get engaged to an abusive dickhead. I come to my senses and break it off with him, but not before I cheat on him a lot.
1991: I’m 18. I graduate high school. THANK GOD. I get kicked out of the house for not emptying the dishwasher. It wasn’t even my turn! I’m homeless.
1992: Desperate, I get a job as a stripper. My stage name is “Glamour”, hence the glamour shot. I have no tits and I can’t dance. Men take advantage of me; I’m only 19. It sucks. I have my first orgasm, which is pretty awesome. I am a survivor.
1993: I quit stripping and drive straight down to Louisiana to see my long-distance girlfriend. It’s awkward; after a year of passionate love letters, we break up. I move back to St. Louis and shack up with a guy and get a job at a nursing home. It sucks.
1994: I start nursing school, then change my mind. I don’t want to work around blood and shit and fluorescent lights all the time. I have careless casual sex and get pregnant. I try to get an abortion, but they turn me away because it’s a blighted ovum. I miscarry in Noah’s Ark Motel. A few months later, I am raped, but luckily I don’t get pregnant this time. I turn lesbian for a few months. I work at a nursing home, because I don’t know what else to do.
1995: I meet the man I will marry. My biological clock strikes at breakfast over pancakes at IHOP. We get engaged and go to Cancun and visit a Mexican whorehouse. It kindof sucks.
1996: We get married and settle into a boring, monogamous life. I’m 23. I quit my job at a Pediatrics ICU and get a job at a bookstore, and I love it. It’s SO much better reading stories to children than dressing their burn wounds.
1997: We go to Florida and Colorado a lot. I don’t really like Florida. Colorado is okay.
1998: We try getting pregnant. It’s not working. I’m freaking out and sex is becoming a chore. It sucks.
1999: I get pregnant, and miscarry, and it’s tragic.
2000: My daughter is born, and I am so happy. But damn, is it hard!!! I breastfeed her for a year.
2001: We move to Columbia, MO, where our marriage goes down the toilet. My grandfather dies, then my other grandfather dies two months later.
2002: I make a list of all the people I want to fuck, and leave my husband. I do it all wrong.
2003: I’m 30. I start swinging. It’s awesome. I move into an apartment and have a long distance relationship with a guy who claims to be a feminist, but is kind of an asshole. He tells me he wishes my tits were bigger, and for 24 hours, I contemplate getting a boob job.
2004: Instead of getting a boob job, I break up with that guy, and get back together with him a few times and date other people and it’s all a big mess. I get engaged to him, and then break it off. I go to Hawaii.
2005: I continue having sex with lots of people, and go through a cougar phase. I have a harem of men in their early 20’s who try and impress me and each other with their sex skills. It’s pretty fucking awesome. I learn how to squirt. My grandmother dies; the last of that generation.
2006: I get fired from my job for flashing a bartender in San Francisco after my office mates visited a strip club. I’m the only one who gets in trouble. I start sex blogging. I try an experiment where I become a Craigslist escort. It’s kind of awesome.
2007: I meet a guy and he wants me to quit doing sex work. I agree, and I move in with him and we go to China. We get engaged. I get pregnant, and have an abortion. We try having a triad and it’s great for three months, but then implodes. I break off the engagement and move out of his house. I am homeless.
2008: I fall for my current partner Matthew and take up with him. I buy my house and vow to live in it for at least five years. I get into BDSM and polyamory. I explore fetishes. Oh, do I explore fetishes…
2010: I get fired from my job for having a sex blog. It’s the last time I am successfully slut-shamed. The silly scandal makes national news. I come out and get featured in The Riverfront Times. My daughter gets expelled from school because of the scandal. My ex-husband sues me for full custody of my daughter. PayPal permanently bans me for having adult content. I co-found Sex Positive St. Louis. I’m really scared.
2011: I’m broke and freaking out. I feel like I’m running out of options. I’m in danger of losing my home and my daughter. I’m having death fantasies. I shave my head for a legal fundraiser publicity stunt. I host BDSM fundraisers at creepy, dirty warehouses that lack heating and cooling. It’s fun, but it still sucks. I’m invited to tell my story at ideacity, which is like a Canadian version of TED. I have a public speaking phobia, but decide to face my fear, and speak in front of an affluent audience of 700. I SUCK. The audience is not impressed. I’m mortified. To this day, I have not watched my talk.
2012: I’m featured in Hustler magazine. After three years of being ostracized, I finally get a day job. My ex drops the lawsuit. SUCCESS. I go to China again. It’s okay.
2013: I have a gang bang for my 40th birthday. It’s one of the best events of my life. I also go to Europe for the first time, and it’s the best trip of my life. My daughter is now a teenager! We’re very close.
2015: I quit my day job to focus on sex-positive activism full-time. I go to Alaska. I host sex demos, incredible orgies and sex parties at lakeside mansions in the country. I AM QUEEN. Everything is so awesome. I’ve worked so hard to get here. I’ve overcome many fears and obstacles. I’ve turned heaps of negatives into positives. SEX+STL looks like this now – we have 3000+ members!
2016: As a single mom, I haven’t missed a single mortgage payment on my house. My goal was to live in it for five years, and this is year #8! We all take turns when it comes to life’s celebrations and tests. Speaking of, my partner Matthew turned 40, so I rinsed, recycled and repeated the gang bang gift and organized a party for him that was equally epic. I posted all the glorious details here! I’m doing well, thanks to hard work and a strong support system, but a lot of my loved ones are experiencing death and loss. It’s a rough year for many, so I try and help as many people as I can while I’m strong and able. I don’t forget that I received help when I needed it, so I’m paying that forward.
2017: Made another big dream come true – went to Iceland! Was hoping to see Northern Lights, but our timing was off by a day! They had a spectacular sky show on New Year’s Eve, and we arrived on Jan 2!
Bought a grandfather clock as an impulse purchase. Attended my first AA meeting – WOWOW – still processing…
SO! What’s next? How many years do I have left? What will I accomplish before I die? I have lots of dreams and goals, and I intend to make them ALL come true.
Stay tuned for more updates!!!