By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017
I’d like to blame Trump for my alcoholism, but in all fairness, I’ve been dealing with it for the past couple years.
Menopause and the current social climate has made it much worse, so I’ve been trying to get it under control.
But goddamn it’s a STRUGGLE.
Like this woman.
I started going to therapy in February after my first breakdown, and to help me deal with my teen daughter and my aging parents. I take care of so many people – not just family, but clients. I love it so much, but it can get overwhelming.
It became clear that I was self-medicating with alcohol.
And menopause symptoms are very similar to alcoholic symptoms, or withdrawal symptoms, or other mental illness.
I’ve found myself addicted to alcohol, as well as social media/the internet. It makes me feel weak! I want to be STRONG!
At first I was deeply ashamed of being a lush, but I’ve had time to process and research it, and I’m fine talking about it.
I’m currently an active, high functioning alcoholic. The book Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp seems to capture my experience very well. (I was bummed to learn the author died at age 42 of lung cancer!) I love my work, I have great relationships and community, a fabulous daughter, a lovely little home. I’ve worked hard to overcome past trauma. My core beliefs include being open and honest – I have nothing to hide. I’m one of the freest people I know. I live a rich and beautiful life. My mantra is Replace the Fear with Love.
So what the fuck?? Why am I struggling like this? I read Chasing the Scream – I know the causes of addiction and why people self-medicate in order to deal with pain, neglect, and isolation.
I’ve been to three AA meetings, and they are great. I’ve been reading the Big Book.
I’ve also attended one Moderation Management meeting, which was great, too. They have a book on Responsible Drinking.
I’ve noticed the AA crowd seems to be more of the “rock bottom” type who use alcohol to avoid responsibility, whereas the MM folks are more perfectionists cracking under the pressure of doing ALL the things.
Of course, this is a gross generalization based on four experiences. I want to attend more of each.
I’m also keenly interested in the Sinclair Method, which utilizes therapy and a drug called Naltrexone. I’ve been begging health professionals for a prescription to this medication for the past two years, but no one will prescribe it to me. I have no idea if this would affect my sex life, but would like to find out.
I looked into out-patient treatment, but was quoted $10,000 WITH insurance.
I have a list of a few other resources I still need to dig into – Empower Psych Centers, Beat Addiction St Louis, Smart Recovery, Refuge Recovery, Harris House, White House Retreat, …. the list goes on, and is overwhelming. I have a hard time knowing where to start, so then I put it off until the next day.
I’m constantly justifying my drinking. I drink to celebrate, I love the ritual, I drink to cope and slow down. I drink almost every day, and it’s not good for my body.
So yeah, that’s another thing I’m dealing with right now.