My Name is Kendra, and I’m an Alcoholic

By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2017

I’d like to blame Trump for my alcoholism, but in all fairness, I’ve been dealing with it for the past couple years.

Menopause and the current social climate has made it much worse, so I’ve been trying to get it under control.

But goddamn it’s a STRUGGLE.

Like this woman.

I started going to therapy in February after my first breakdown, and to help me deal with my teen daughter and my aging parents. I take care of so many people – not just family, but clients. I love it so much, but it can get overwhelming.

Drinking the blood of Elvis

It became clear that I was self-medicating with alcohol.

And menopause symptoms are very similar to alcoholic symptoms, or withdrawal symptoms, or other mental illness.

I’ve found myself addicted to alcohol, as well as social media/the internet. It makes me feel weak! I want to be STRONG!

At first I was deeply ashamed of being a lush, but I’ve had time to process and research it, and I’m fine talking about it.

I’m currently an active, high functioning alcoholic. The book Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp seems to capture my experience very well. (I was bummed to learn the author died at age 42 of lung cancer!) I love my work, I have great relationships and community, a fabulous daughter, a lovely little home. I’ve worked hard to overcome past trauma. My core beliefs include being open and honest – I have nothing to hide. I’m one of the freest people I know. I live a rich and beautiful life. My mantra is Replace the Fear with Love.

So what the fuck?? Why am I struggling like this? I read Chasing the Scream – I know the causes of addiction and why people self-medicate in order to deal with pain, neglect, and isolation.

SIGH.

I’ve been to three AA meetings, and they are great. I’ve been reading the Big Book.

I’ve also attended one Moderation Management meeting, which was great, too. They have a book on Responsible Drinking.

I’ve noticed the AA crowd seems to be more of the “rock bottom” type who use alcohol to avoid responsibility, whereas the MM folks are more perfectionists cracking under the pressure of doing ALL the things.

Of course, this is a gross generalization based on four experiences. I want to attend more of each.

I’m also keenly interested in the Sinclair Method, which utilizes therapy and a drug called Naltrexone. I’ve been begging health professionals for a prescription to this medication for the past two years, but no one will prescribe it to me. I have no idea if this would affect my sex life, but would like to find out.

I looked into out-patient treatment, but was quoted $10,000 WITH insurance.

I have a list of a few other resources I still need to dig into – Empower Psych Centers, Beat Addiction St Louis, Smart Recovery, Refuge Recovery, Harris House, White House Retreat, …. the list goes on, and is overwhelming. I have a hard time knowing where to start, so then I put it off until the next day.

I’m constantly justifying my drinking. I drink to celebrate, I love the ritual, I drink to cope and slow down. I drink almost every day, and it’s not good for my body.

So yeah, that’s another thing I’m dealing with right now.

 

Comments

she.viper 2017-08-12 22:18:38

Sounds tough. Thanks for sharing.
I’m glad you have a lot of resources to help you; your lovely daughter, your man, your friends, and most importantly…your own strength, energy, wisdom and kindness which you have demonstrated heaps of over the years. Sending you lots of love and good wishes. xx

Reply

Stephen 2017-08-13 01:59:29

If anyone deserved a drink or eight, it’s you.

When you decide it’s negatively affecting you, your daughter, or your ability to love, then, yeah, cut back or quit (of course your choice).

As one of your hundreds of fans, I support you either way.

Reply

Stephen Etzine 2017-08-13 08:01:03

Sorry to hear about your experience. You must be made of titanium.
Hope you bounce back.
BTW…. get your thyroid checked out. You sound like you have symptoms of hypothyroidism.

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2017-08-13 09:59:24

    good call! I did have thyroid checked and it was okay, but I’m taking a thyroid supplement called T-Balance plus and it’s helping with night sweats

    Reply

Jim Parker 2017-08-13 09:13:36

I hope you find an answer. I don’t have suggestions or any platitudes. I just want you to know that someone cares.

Reply

wyrick26 2017-08-13 13:30:58

’m so glad that you saw the problem and are now working towards sobriety. Sobriety is a beautiful thing to achieve. I support you in finding your sobriety as a client I care for you deeply and want to see you happy, thriving! —Kyle

Reply

April 2017-09-18 20:09:48

Check out Harm Reduction, Abstinence and Moderation Support (HAMS) at hams.cc. We also have a very vibrant Facebook group of people working to change their drinking. There’s also a book called How to Change Your Drinking by the founder, Kenneth Anderson. We support all positive change, whether it’s abstinence, moderation or just safer drinking. We are not based on religion. Feel free to write me if you want.

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2017-09-19 08:53:12

    Thank you so much April! I was not aware of HAMS program. I will drop you a line!

    Reply

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