By Kendra Holliday | November 23, 2014
Here’s an email I got the other day, describing a very common non-monogamy scenario:
I am in my first open relationship of two years and it has been (mostly) extremely rewarding.
I am wondering your opinion on where the middle ground lies in taking responsibility for your jealousy.My partner just got back from a two month trip where he was with another lover.
I’ve been aware of my jealousy of his lover meeting his friends and spending so much time with him. As a way to deal with that, I asked him not to tell me details. We agreed it was complete off-leash time when we are away from one another, so I take responsibility for that.
But now he is back and I feel like it his responsibility to make an effort to show me that he is excited to connect with me again and spend quality time with me. As his primary partner, I do not want to just be the person he comes back home to and that’s it.
Should there be work involved on both parties in a relationships to address the rough spots when it comes to jealousy?
I applaud you for your willingness to try an open relationship. I have to say, it would be a big deal for me if my man was with another lover for two days, much less two months! So, kudos to you for being that open and flexible.
A lot of people adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” when it comes to dating other people. It might work for some, but I tend to see it as a red flag. Asking your partner not to share details is fine for a certain period of time, but not good as a general rule. It pulls a wall up.
Sometimes I’ll ask my partner not to share details until I am ready, like when we are in person and have quality time. In fact, I did this the other day. My partner told me a woman he’s dating was going to stop by. He asked if I was okay with them having sexy time.
I was feeling fragile, but didn’t want to get in the way of his good time, so I told him I was okay with it, but I didn’t want to hear the details until later. Usually, we share details with each other right away.
I’m reminded of a movie I saw the other day on the plane, Maleficent. It’s based on the Grimm fairy tale, Sleeping Beauty, where the castle is surrounded by an impenetrable wall of thorns.
My partner is amazingly intuitive and could sense I put a wall up. Instead of plowing forward and doing his thing, or getting upset with me for raining on his parade, he quickly addressed my feelings and adjusted accordingly.
They hung out and had fun, but didn’t have sexy time. They did have sexy time the following week, and it was fine. I was in a good place, they were in a good place.
When you asked your partner not to share details with you regarding all the intimacy he shared while you were apart, that put a pretty big wall up.
A wall of fear.
So now that a wall is up, it’s hard for him to feel close to you. He’s not sure how to climb the wall, or knock it down. He might not have the ladder or hammer needed – the tools for tricky emotional navigation. Is it safe to climb the wall? Will knocking the wall down damage the relationship? He might even feel like you put a spell on the wall, and he doesn’t know how to break the spell. In the real world, it takes more than just a kiss!
Ideally, relationships should be open and honest. Bring the walls down. The (respectful) truth shall set you free. Relationships where some topics are off limits don’t tend to be sustainable. Besides, reality is never as wild as our imaginations! Be careful about writing someone else’s story.
So, yes! It is both your responsibility to work this out and learn from it for future experiences.
A good relationship is give and give.
Keep being brave and vulnerable!
Replace the fear with love!
By Kendra Holliday | November 20, 2014
Last week, I was in Japan and a client tried emailing me a deposit for a future appointment via Square. (I offer sex and relationship consulting – my professional website is called Be Open and Honest.)
The payment failed. He tried again, to no avail.
That was strange – I’ve been using Square for months, and have loved its ease and customer service. I was SO happy to find an option for sending and receiving money online. I’ve been in search of that service ever since PayPal banned me three years ago for having adult content.
I wrote a message to Square:
I’ve had a couple people try sending me cash via email/debit card this week and it is not working. We get this message:
“Cash couldn’t be sent. There was an issue sending to you.”
It was working last week. Can you please look into it and see what the issue is?
Please let me know if you need any other information from me in order to investigate. Thank you for looking into this and letting me know what the problem is.
I received this reply:
After a recent review of your transfer of funds, we detected the use of Square Cash for commercial activity in violation of Square’s Seller Agreement. As a result, you will no longer be able to use Square Cash to send or receive payments.
Visit the Square website for more information regarding the Square Cash Agreement (https://squareup.com/legal/cash-ua).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh, no! I wrote back:
Thank you very much for your reply. I was not aware I was violating your
terms, I am sorry about that! I provide counseling services. May I still
use Square for transactions using my phone/card reader or manually entering
the number? I loved using Square Cash because it was so easy and clients
didn’t need to give me their credit card number. Is is possible to use
Square Cash and pay a fee for each transaction?
I really hope to still work with you – Square has been the best innovation
for this mobile world of diverse business!
By Kendra Holliday | November 17, 2014
Last week I was in Tokyo on business.
8000 miles away! Halfway around the world!
It was an amazing experience!
It’s always been a dream of mine to visit Japan. I’ve heard so much about it- the fetish clubs, the crazy game shows, the cat cafes and ninja restaurants…
I got to fly First Class and hang out in the fancy frequent flyer club – I didn’t even know those places existed! Normally I camp out in airports at the gate or sports bars like common folk. It turns out there are HUGE private areas where privileged people can have their own mini-office, lounge area, and free booze!
I had a few glasses of wine before I got on the 12 hour flight. I’m so bad like that! But I also drank a lot of water.
I kind of hate flying. I try distracting myself with books, podcasts, movies, so that I don’t think about the plane suddenly breaking apart and plummeting to the ground in -60 oxygenless atmosphere.
On this flight, I saw the epic movie Boyhood, caught up on podcasts (RISK, Snap Judgement, This American Life), and read porn star memoirs by Asa Akira and Madison Young. They are both so amazing and daring and interesting! So raw and honest, they both described anal scenes where they bled unexpectedly, with different outcomes.
Thankfully, I managed to get to Tokyo without any crashing or anal bleeding.
I opted not to take any sex toys with me – I like traveling light and reacquainting myself with my hand on occasion. I kind of wanted to see how long I could go without needing an orgasm, but with all that reading of hot porn scenes (and then having to look up porn clips for reference), I had to take care of myself three or four times.
Matthew had one date while I was gone. I was hoping to Skype in to watch them enjoy each other, but alas, timing didn’t work out. I was 15 hours ahead of St Louis!
By Kendra Holliday | November 8, 2014
Have you ever seen the classic porn film Deep Throat starring Linda Lovelace? It’s the one where a woman’s clitoris is located in the back of her throat, so she gets off deep throating cocks in a talented and silly fashion, to the delight of men everywhere.
Man, I wouldn’t mind having a couple extra clits in fun places – how about my ears, armpits, and oh, I don’t know – my VAGINA?? Did you know pigs have clits located in their vagina? WTF God, why’d you drop the ball with us humans?? No wonder we love bacon so much!
But I digress.
Deep Throat was a huge sensation back in the 1970’s, and was shown in mainstream movie theaters in an effort to capitalize on the sexual freedom fad making its rounds in the United States.
Except, not everyone was on board.
Some people in power wanted to SHUT IT DOWN, and punish the people distributing it in a ruthless and unreasonable manner.
The Battista’s family life starts out normal in 1970’s Philadelphia – Kristin is a toddler, her dad’s a stockbroker, her mom’s a housewife.
Then her dad is offered an opportunity by friends to make some extra money on the side distributing the porn film Deep Throat. He goes for it.
By Kendra Holliday | October 25, 2014
Have you ever fallen asleep at an orgy?
I have. But not because it was boring – GOD NO.
Let me explain!
The other night we had a double date with a couple. We asked if we could invite our girlfriend Lana along, and they said sure. It’s a good thing, because she is down for just about anything!
Look how patriotic we are! I’m the Red, Lana is the White, and Kinky Cobra is the Blue.
We went out for dinner and drinks, then headed back to Matthew’s house.
(Oh and by the way, I consider an orgy anything more than a foursome. So this was a mini-orgy, really.)
Matthew had the place decked out for love, as usual – sumptuous zen cozy, with lots of rich browns, burgundies, soft textures, and illuminated by candlelight everywhere, with sexy music playing in the background. He is my consummate King, and knows how to set the mood!
That said, I know me, and lately I haven’t been sleeping well, plus I’m the type to go to bed at 10pm, and I was hanging with a crew that crashes around 1 or 2am! The couple is in their 20’s, Lana and Matthew are in their 30’s – I was the only one who is in my 40’s. I was the old lady at the orgy! LOL
So I knew I had to act fast if I was going to play along, and WOW did I want to play along!
By Kendra Holliday | October 24, 2014
Note: This is a guest post from a curious friend of mine who joined us in the bedroom the other day! Here is a pic from that evening:
As a single woman, I’ve made a conscious decision after a long marriage with a stale vanilla sex life to explore my sexuality. I decided to be open to experiencing most anything. To my surprise, I’ve enjoyed things that I never dreamed I would. If you would have told me four years ago that I would enjoy open relationships, being with a woman, group sex, swinging, sex work, and, most recently, spending time with a Dom/sub and exploring that dynamic, I would have laughed!
I’ve screwed up, had my heart broken, hurt others which I regret, but I’ve learned so much and have gained so many friends. I wouldn’t trade these experiences for anything. I’m excited for the next steps in my exploration, so when I had a small taste of being dominated by a novice, I wanted to learn more from someone who was more experienced and could share what it’s like to be a true Dom. As a friend of Kendra’s, I knew that she and Matthew share a dynamic Dom/sub relationship so I requested an interview of sorts with Matthew.
I arrived at his house after a long day at work with bourbon, wine and an aptly named Romeo and Juliette cigar in tow. I’d met Matthew before in passing, but we’d never really talked in depth. He’s an intimidating hulk of a man bear!
But, the first thing I noticed about Matthew is he has a presence; he commands a space, and it’s not only due to his size. He possesses a quiet, strong confidence that says without a doubt that he’s in control. I sunk into one side of his suede sectional adjacent to Kendra while Matthew brought us each a glass of wine. He took the corner in the middle of us and beckoned us closer. We looked like tiny tugboats flanking a massive ocean liner. In fact, Kendra mentioned that she enjoys being in his wake and following his lead. I joked with him, immediately guessing he was a fellow Gemini as we seemed to possess some of the typical Gem characteristics, one of which is the ability to immediately put others at ease.
By Kendra Holliday | October 23, 2014
I’m hosting a special SEX+STL event next month!
So You Want to be a Sex Worker…
When: Monday, November 24, 7-9pm
Where: private location
Cost: $20 per person
This event is screened and private and for women only.
(In order to attend a SEX+STL private event, you need to attend one of our public events or meet one of the leaders first.)
Interested in learning about sex work? How do you find clients? How do you stay safe? How do you keep healthy? How much do you charge? What kind of situations might you encounter? Where should you do it? What are the rules? All these questions and more will be honestly and frankly answered at this fascinating and rare opportunity. Be ready to take notes!
Kendra Holliday, a seasoned sex worker, will share tips and best practices for being a successful sex worker.
BONUS CO-HOST: A woman from the first workshop we had will be on hand to share her experience and answer questions!
Practicing and former sex workers, and those curious or serious about trying sex work are welcome to attend.
RSVP to email@example.com to request a spot.
$20/person. Bring a snack or drink if you’d like.
Topics covered include phone sex, dancing, escorting, erotic massage, surrogacy, dominatrix and more.
By Matthew | September 22, 2014
There are a great many resources on giving oral sex. From videos and articles, books and blog posts, one can find all kinds of information on how to give great blowjobs and eat some fierce pussy. But what about being skilled at receiving it?
Huh? Yes, you read that right.
Oral sex should satisfy both the giver and receiver at the same time, albeit not necessarily in the same way, but satisfying nonetheless. In order to make that happen, the receiver needs to be as active, at least mentally, as the giver. You have to find out what your partner likes. How? Here are some thoughts from my partner, Matthew…
|You deserve oral worship.|
1. Be Assertive
This is a big one. Don’t be afraid talk to your partner. This may take some getting used to for both of you. Some people find it embarrassing or “not right” to talk about sex openly, let alone talk while having it. Tell your partner what you like about what they are doing. Let them know they are making you feel good! “That feels amazing!” or “Yes!! Right there!” are great places to start.
You can also fantasize with your partner through speech. If you know about a particular fantasy your partner has, or you have one of your own, try acting that out. Maybe she is your secretary or co-worker. Maybe he is that young stud you’ve been wanting to have your way with for a while. Roleplaying and fantasy are great ways to live out desires without the possible repercussions of actually doing them. The possibilities are endless, but you’ll never know any of them until you try.
Lastly, but certainly not in the least, if and when you have an orgasm, in the name of all that is good; vocalize it. “Yesssss!!!” “I’m Cumming!!!” “Holy Fucking Shit!” or whatever comes out. (On the subject of whatever comes out: Men – do not surprise your partner with a mouthful of cum. You must let them know you are about to release so they can control where it goes. Unless of course you’ve talked about it and know what your partner prefers.)
2. Be Active
This can happen in numerous ways. Of course you shouldn’t immediately jam your dick down their throat or suffocate them with your grinding pussy. Start with a slight push toward them. Pay attention to their reaction or ask them if they like that. If they do, then you can push or grind a bit more. You’ll eventually find a comfortable amount for both of you. Keep in mind, everyone is different in their preferences. Some people like their face smothered or their mouth fucked hard and they get great pleasure from it.
Try touching their head, shoulder, cheeks, or hair in different ways. Remember always start lightly and move to more intense sensations. If you find your partner enjoys their hair gripped and head controlled, do it. If you find your partner likes his face ground into and thighs clinched around his cheeks, do it. It will make is more pleasurable for them.
3. Be Adaptive
Don’t get get stuck receiving oral in the same place, at the same time, in the same way, for the same reason. Try new positions like standing or lying on your side. Different environments can offer amazing amounts of excitement. Of course you need to be very mindful of some environments (i.e. elevators, cars, public bathrooms, dressing rooms, parking garages, wooded areas, etc.), but great pleasure can be realized from short sessions of oral sex. It doesn’t always have to be done to orgasmic completion. After all, foreplay and build up are great pleasure paths.
Certainly this list of thoughts and suggestions is just that. Everyone is different and derives pleasure in different ways. However, not many people want to feel like what they are doing is not appreciated. If you keep that in mind, you can come up with many more ways to make oral sex an even more amazing part of your life.
Now, go forth, and receive head.
What are your oral sex tips?
By Kendra Holliday | September 22, 2014
I’m about to start a relationship and the woman told me she has genital herpes. I like her, but sex is a really important part of a relationship to me and I’m not sure how to safely deal with this. I want to do the right thing by both of us and I just don’t know how to proceed. I’m also worried that this will make me more timid when/if we do have sex, which would not be as much fun for me.
My friend had this posted as her status update on facebook the other day:
“When I was in 2nd grade we were given an assignment to write about the three things we feared most. I chose 1) killer bees 2) Russia 3) herpes.”
Good news for those who haven’t been properly educated since the 2nd grade – herpes is not as big a deal as you think. Here, a man who has herpes tells his story:
“I’ve had herpes for 35-plus years. It’s been an occasional complication when dating, but rarely a deal breaker. I can only remember one woman deciding not to have sex after I told her about the herpes. It did take my now-fiancée a number of months, a lot of research and an evaluation of the risks to decide to have protected sex.
I’ve (almost) always told potential lovers about the herpes *before* sex. That’s just plain respectful and ethical. It’s best to have the discussion before you start seriously thinking about ripping each other’s clothes off. I’m not proud of the few times I was not honest and ethical. Liquor and lust are not acceptable excuses.
A surprising number of times the woman (including my to-be/now-ex wife) has said ‘Oh. I have herpes too.’
Blood tests show that around 16% of the U.S. population has herpes. Of those, only around 20% are aware that they have it; the other 80% have no symptoms or symptoms so mild that they don’t recognize them. Infection rates are higher for women (nearly 21%) than men (11.5%). (Source: CDC)
(If one person knows that they have herpes and the other person believes that they don’t, that person might want to get tested. Maybe he/she already unknowingly has herpes.)
By Kendra Holliday | September 16, 2014
Things have been surreal lately.
I just got back from Europe and have been slammed. I’m working a day job and have two or three appointments every evening. A client is flying in from Hawaii this weekend to see me and recharge his mojo. I also have a spa day at The Chase reserved with a girlfriend, a gift from a friend who appreciates what I do. I have a sexy date with FOUR people Friday night (see this post? I get to be with the two women my partner was with while I was in Germany, plus a tall, dark and handsome young man! My fantasies are coming true!) I’m seeing one of my favorite bands, Iron and Wine next week with my partner. I’m planning a big swinger party and girl pile next month. I’m plotting all kinds of trips to amazing locales. RESPONSIBLE HEDONISM. Living a rich and beautiful life as a strong and independent woman. I’m making it happen. I have positive energy to share. I love, enjoy, and appreciate life so much.
The one thing I am lacking is time.
On the flip side, my inbox is rowdy – trust me, you don’t want to see it. I get a lot of people contacting me daily from around the world, trying to push boundaries and waste my time. The weird energy has been crazy lately. It must be the solar flares!
Here’s an example. Some guy with no profile pic named Mike has been pestering me, asking me questions. At first I was nice, but of course, if you give an inch, they’ll take a mile. Finally, I wrote to him:
Hey. You know me. You know a lot about me. You know what I look like, what I do, all kinds of exciting stuff about me. I don’t know you. I don’t know what you look like, where you live, what you’re about. You are a stranger poking me, asking me questions. I get this all the time, and it’s a weird imbalance I’m not comfortable with. So please keep following my blog, twitter, etc, but don’t assume we are insta-friends. Thank you.
I try and respond positively to every person who contacts me. I try giving every one a chance, but it’s becoming overwhelming. I’m learning I need to start deleting the time wasters right away, the people who write to me with, “Hi.” Sometimes I feel like a sow with a bunch of piglets fighting for my teats. It’s draining!
So I guess the purpose of this post is to let you know I want to help as many people as I can, but I need to stick with the people who are willing to operate on my terms. I have a policy for how I do consultations. If you don’t like it, book a consult with someone else. I screen my play parties. If you don’t like it, find some other party to attend. I am one woman offering extraordinary services. If you want something from me – advice, validation, intimacy, an amazing experience – how can you help me or the community in return?
I operate on mutual respect. I practice Cowboy Ethics. So if you contact me out of the blue, please take a moment to offer a greeting and tell me a little about yourself.
By Kendra Holliday | September 14, 2014
I know it’s going to sound crazy, but there are people out there who aren’t horny all the time.
I recently read this fascinating book called Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies. The author polled thousands of people, and was surprised to learn that 10% of his sample group reported no sexual fantasies. He was skeptical, wondering if they were in denial or had super repressed fantasies.
Maybe they really don’t fantasize about sex. Maybe they aren’t interested in it. Maybe sex isn’t a priority for them.
Which leads me to THIS book – The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality.
I’ll admit it – I used to think asexuality was not real. I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept – sex is a huge part of my life, so how could it be insignificant to someone else?
Then, when I finally acknowledged it was real, I was of the mindset that it was odd or the person was defective, and hopefully they would eventually outgrow the notion and get with the program – sex is the most important thing in the world.
Boy, was I ignorant!
By Kendra Holliday | September 10, 2014
Whenever I think of Germany, I think of GGG. Not Dan Savage’s GGG
but THIS GGG – German Goo Girls. Extreme bukkake cum dumpster porn.
I’m also reminded of Vernonica Moser, the legendary German scat porn star.
I went to Germany last week, and I saw none of that. I saw, tame, idyllic Germany. Like this:
I stayed near Rapunzel’s Castle, one of the castles the Grimm Brothers turned into a fairy tale. I also saw Sleeping Beauty castle, but that was boring – no wonder she fell asleep there!
Lots of beautiful scenery:
Even special European rainbows! (“Rainbow” in German is “Regenbogen,” by the way)
By Kendra Holliday | September 2, 2014
HEY! Are you non-monogamous by nature, but feel freaked out when your partner wants to exercise their right to be non-monogamous, too? Have no fear – I have some advice for you!
Let’s use this woman as an example:
“Dear Kendra, I have a problem, I’m a 36 year old (mostly straight, but love to eat pussy) lady in an open relationship with a 42 year old straight man. We’ve been together for about a year and have been open the whole time. We’ve mostly been doing swinging, but we also play separately. We both had experience in the lifestyle before we met and wanted to continue together. The problem is I can’t seem to get over my jealousy when he plays on his own with other girls, and not always, just the girls I know he really likes.
He is really wonderful and we have a great, communicative and respectful relationship and are both totally honest with each other about everything. I feel terrible because there’s a huge double standard going on, in that I often play alone with other guys, he loves me being slutty and I totally get off on the fact that I’m being slutty and he’s loving it. I love him all the more for giving me my freedom and independence and respect him for being strong enough that me with other men isn’t threatening to him.
Also, I fully realize that when I’m out with other guys I cannot wait to get home to him and have him fuck me like crazy and it only makes me want him more. However, this is where the problem comes in. I just can’t make the connection with my brain and my ego when the tables are turned, I feel scared, and threatened, and jealousy, and anxious and I don’t know what to do to get past it.
I’ve read Sex at Dawn, Mating in Captivity, Opening Up, I listen to Dan Savage, Tristan Taormino, and a bunch of other swinger podcasts, as well as read your blog and am a long time reader of Jade’s blog as well. Since it’s been a year, it’s getting to the point where he’s becoming frustrated that it’s taking me all this time to figure this stuff out, and I don’t want him to feel restricted. I need someone to help me through this and I can’t talk to my vanilla friend’s about it and I also don’t want to talk to my swinger friends about it because there are very few of us that play separately so they don’t really understand either.
By Kendra Holliday | August 31, 2014
First, the grapefruit. Now, the cucumber…
What do you think a vagina smells and tastes like? Bittersweet? Sour? Pungent? Musky? Earthy? Oysters?
Mine smells and tastes different all the time. I’ve heard a vagina compared to a tidal pool, which sounds about right. It’s a woman’s own little eco-system and pleasure cove.
I posted about how to keep your vagina tasty and date-ready here.
I learned about cucumber yoni cleanse on this secret sacred yoni egg goddess group I belong to on fb.
Here is a page about it. An excerpt from the Eco-Goddess Temple:
“The New Whole Foods Encyclopedia, by Rebecca Wood, confirms that cucumbers are considered nurturing to the bladder, spleen, large intestines and lungs. It is a cold food that treats hot conditions and helps resolve toxins. A cucumber contains more than 90 percent water. Cucumbers are a food that tends to restore normal health because of its ability to cleanse and purify the blood and gradually alter the excretory process to restore normal body functions. Cucumbers contain a digestive enzyme, erepsin, that breaks down protein, cleanses the intestines and helps expel intestinal parasites.”
The other night I tried it, and it was better than I imagined!
I thought it would be goofy and awkward, but it turned into a sexy little loving date with myself.
By Kendra Holliday | August 28, 2014
The other day, I posted the following on fb and twitter:
You know that move in porn where the guy grabs a woman by her ass cheeks, and spreads them apart as wide as he can? Yeah, don’t do that.
I had someone do that to me recently, and it gave me a slight tear and hurt!
But then, I got mixed comments from it – turns out some women LOVE that move, and some women HATE it. Just goes to show you, communicating with your lover is key!
In addition, the post prompted a woman to send me the following unusual message:
Almost every time my husband and I have sex, I end up with the dreaded, painful, “butt crack split” I don’t know how else to describe it. It would normally happen if a guy ripped your ass cheeks apart during doggie, but I get it all the time!! With no butt cheek pulling!! HELP! It is painfully inconvenient! I put A&D on it, bag balm, anything I can think of, but it still happens. I love sex and can’t get enough of my husband, but this is getting ridiculous!! It hurts!! thank you in advance for any tips you can lend me! Is this common?”
I have to admit, I had never heard of anything like this before, but I’ll bet it’s common enough, and people are just too embarrassed to mention it!
I replied to her:
How long has this been going on? What positions do you try? Where do you have sex? Bedding? Do you have sensitive skin in other places? Is it the lube you’re using? How often do you have sex? Have you had past perineum trauma from childbirth or anything? Do you get hemorrhoids? There has to be some solution to stop this from happening.