By Kendra Holliday | January 8, 2015
This year was the fourth time we’ve been to the cabin, and it flew by faster than ever. The day after we returned I was really grumpy, suffering from cabin drop and feeling very put out that I had to take care of all the necessary duties and resposibilities instead of lying around all tied up in front of the fire sticking ginger up my ass.
Every year we enjoy all the favorite traditions (watching Westerns, building fires, stargazing, listening to Iron & Wine, wearing pajamas or nothing the entire time), but we also like to incorporate something new into our repertoire.
Lately I’ve been on a ginger kick. I love theme events, so I packed a bunch of ginger goodies: tea, men, liqueur, soda, and of course, the root itself.
I was determined to drink the entire bottle of The Big O (“there’s nothing fake about it” ) that weekend (we all have our goals), but I couldn’t quite get there. It started leaving a sickly sweet mossy film on my teeth that no amount of brushing could remove from my ginger-spiced psyche.
We also brought along this awesome vulva ornament our dear friend Rockabilly Girl gave us to hang above the fireplace:
By Kendra Holliday | January 7, 2015
Another incredible weekend at the cabin.
The cabin is under new ownership now, so they made some nice minor improvements, such as new furniture, bedding, and this sign:
…unless you have a sex blog.
We had a fire going ALL WEEKEND, which apparently is as bad for you as smoking cigarettes, godammit. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have a wood burning fireplace at my house.
Here’s a pic of me in the hot tub from a previous year:
By Kendra Holliday | January 7, 2015
You better believe the pics are hot – we were in front of a roaring fire all weekend!
We took this grandma version of me wearing a vintage slip for facebook and twitter:
Then we took these classic nude photos for the blog.
By Kendra Holliday | January 5, 2015
Last winter, Matthew and I were at our romantic cabin getaway. We had just fucked and were lounging in front of the fireplace, sipping cocktails contentedly. The cabin closest to us was occupied by a couple also trying to get away from it all. Unfortunately, they weren’t quite succeeding.
They were having a big fight.
Doors slammed. Amidst the commotion, we heard the woman scream, “You fucked someone else last night – I’m not stupid ya know!”
We looked at each other with raised eyebrows.
I drawled, “I’m glad the fact that you fucked someone else last week isn’t ruining OUR vacation.”
“Yeah no shit!” he agreed with a swig of his drink.
We toasted each other.
More drama floated through the trees our way. “I’m leaving!” the man cried, got in the car and drove off. He came back a few minutes later, knocking on the door. “Let me in!” he begged.
I rolled my eyes and joked, “Do you think we should go over there and offer them some relationship advice?”
“Fuck no!” he grunted. “Let them get their own damn copy of Sex at Dawn.”
He was talking about the book, Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality.
By Kendra Holliday | January 1, 2015
As a sex worker and sex surrogate, I’ve met with a lot of amazing men, women, and couples this past year, in VERY intimate settings.
I have SO many fascinating stories, but can’t freely share them due to confidentiality.
I can tell you that I’m seeing a big disconnect between men and women.
The men are overheated and eager with testosterone. The women are cool and reserved with estrogen.
A lot of the men I work with are frustrated with all the erotic teasing that goes on in our society – watching burlesque shows, fruitless attempts at online dating, binging on porn, falling into the neutered Nice Guy role.
They get rebuffed by dozens of women, and they come to me, horny and keyed up.
I try to teach them how to build intimacy and accept themselves for who they are, but they just want to FUCK ALREADY.
Let me tell you – eager is not sexy. You have to go slow to go fast. In order to make progress in your quest for self-improvement, you have to be patient and make an effort.
The next time you are with someone, consider the 12 Stages of Intimacy. Read about them here. It’s important to build a foundation so that the intimacy you share is more meaningful and fulfilling.
Which brings me to the last two sessions I had this year. They were both on the same day.
By Kendra Holliday | December 27, 2014
Thanks to the opening of an adult boutique in our area featuring incredibly helpful staff, my wife and I recently started experimenting with S&M and bought some new regular toys as well. As a result, we now have a few whips, a prostate stimulator, a rabbit vibrator and a few other goodies hidden in our closet in a place where, we hope, our teenager will never find them.
When my folks passed away ten years ago, my brother’s wife came across a box of videos and toys when we were cleaning out their house, which caused a bit of embarrassment in the “more than we needed to know” way.
Do you have any suggestions as to how we can avoid this happening to our kid down the road? My main concern about our toys in question has to do with the S&M aspect, something that even mature adults might find a bit disturbing.
I’m thinking a note on the outside of our toybag to the extent that “If you are finding this bag it is because: a- You are snooping; or b- Something has happened to the two of us. If you are snooping- PUT THIS BAG BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT- we can talk about its contents and answer any question you have if you wish to do so. If something happened to us, please dispose of this bag without opening it. It contains items that we enjoyed during our intimate private times together and, as such, wish them to remain private.”
I’m of the mindset that toys are nothing to be ashamed of – I keep mine out in a display case. When my daughter was 7, we had a talk about sex toys and she was glad to know grownups get to have toys! She has been raised to understand sex is to be explored and enjoyed and can be playful.
How do you feel about your parents having a sex life? Are you glad they did, or would you rather never know the evidence of such? Well guess what? YOU are evidence of their sex life! Was the discovery of the toys a bit embarrassing, or mortifying? In the grand scheme of things, was it a big deal? Not trying to dismiss your feelings on this highly personal matter, just offering an objective perspective.
That said, if you have a different mindset in that your bedroom activities are private and kept separate from other aspects of your life, then your approach is a great one! I love the idea of you stashing the toys with a note that offers a chance to discuss or dispose – it gives the finder options. The wording of your note is sweet and positive, very thoughtful of you!
There is this option for hiding personal items: The Sneaky Sack. It’s a bag that is easily disguised under hanging clothes. That way, you can keep your sex life safely in the closet.
By Kendra Holliday | December 27, 2014
I have to admit, as a feminist and sex-positive activist, sometimes I get tired of hearing people spout off the words “privilege,” “narrative,” and “agency”.
And don’t even get me started with the whole “trigger warning” babying.
If you are on the internet, you will run into triggering things.
If you are living in real life, you will encounter triggering things.
Right now, one of my triggering things is driving in cars. I got in a minor car accident the other day, and it has haunted me a bit.
It left me feeling weak and vulnerable, and I’ve had to make a concerted effort to rebuild my strength.
You can’t let little things chip away at your armor – words like “tranny” and “faggot” and “slut” should not ruin your day.
I get “people first” language, but if you take issue with so many everyday words and slang, you are not cultivating a sex-positive culture. You are fostering a sex-sensitive culture, and that culture is weak and fragmenting.
For instance, the other day I used the word “weird” in conversation, and someone called me on it. I had to circle back and explain that I meant “odd, unusual,” and not “a freak who should be shunned.”
I don’t want to live in a world where we have to walk on eggshells and speak academically. I don’t want to clinically discuss penises and vulvas. I want to talk cock n’ pussy!
My advice: Grow a thicker skin. Be patient with others. Educate respectfully. Don’t take things so personally. Learn how to process quickly and move on.
By Kendra Holliday | December 25, 2014
I’ve had many women ask me how I met my partner Matthew. How did I find a man who is confident, dominant, sexy, funny, smart, and can be a stern dick OR a tender lover – AND know the time and the place to assume such opposite-end-of-the-spectrum roles!
Most men can only be a nice guy OR an asshole. It takes special talent to be both.
He knows what a woman wants – she wants it ALL. She wants to be treated like royalty, AND a slut. She wants comfort, AND freedom. (Psst, isn’t that what men want, too?)
Someone even joked that HE’S the new unicorn – a man who is OK with his woman doing her own thing, aka fucking other guys.
I truly have the best of both worlds – I’m in a committed, secure relationship, but enjoy the privilege of doing what I want with my own body. Most women who commit to a man (or woman, for that matter!) turn over the keys to their freedom.
And I tell you what – Matthew’s willingness to go with the crazy flow has worked out well for him – instead of pushing me away or the relationship imploding, we’ve both had some AMAZING experiences as King and Queen of TBK.
So how did I meet such an amazing man? We tell family members we met through a mutual friend, which is true, but the REAL story is more complicated than that. But of course! It HAS to be interesting to be a part of my world. Here is the scoop. I’ll try to be as succinct as possible.
By Kendra Holliday | December 25, 2014
A lot of men don’t have ready access to sex. I always suggest seeing a sex worker as an option. Some men are open to the idea, but some say they would rather suffer with celibacy the rest of their lives than stoop to that level. There’s so much stigma attached to it in our society!
I’m giving a Sex Worker Talk for Men Only on January 5. At the talk, I will answer questions about sex work (How should I interact with a sex worker? What if my partner is a sex worker? Can I be a sex worker? How do I stay safe?)
Recently, I counseled a married man who hasn’t had sex with his wife in three years. They have a great marriage with two young children. He loves his family dearly. In their case, he does not believe that sex is a barometer of their relationship. His wife is getting her physical and emotional needs met. He is getting his emotional needs met. But the lack of sex is really stressing him out! He’s been to therapists, couples counseling, she’s seen doctors…
So, he’s turning to sex work, and during his research, he found me and my unconventional methods. As he left our talk, he already looked like a different man – beaming and relieved – just thinking of all the possibilities most people won’t even consider.
Which brings me to this. A friend of mine in Florida tried seeing a sex worker for the first time last week. I asked him to share his story with my readers. Here it is! ENJOY this wonderful gift.
I never expected to spend part of my evening with an escort.
It had been over three years since my last sexual experience, and longer than that from my last satisfying sexual experience. During that time, I had been meeting plenty of women and dating quite a few of them, but none of them seemed to be interested in me beyond platonic friendship.
After the last “let’s just be friends” conversation I found myself at loose ends, with no prospects in sight, at a time when my long shut-down sex drive was coming back with a vengeance. That’s when I realized that the possible solution to my long sexual drought was right in front of me. I could have a session with an escort.
By Kendra Holliday | December 23, 2014
Dear Kendra, I don’t know about you, but I know a lot of creepy men. What makes a man creepy? Can creepy men be cured? Or, once a creep, always a creep? Have you ever met a creepy woman?
All right, readers, I want feedback from YOU – tell me about an encounter you had with a creepy guy. What made it creepy? What are the qualities of a creep? Can creeps be cured?
Here is what I have to say on the subject – I hope reader input will help shape my understanding of this unfortunate issue.
Being in the sex industry, I’ve met A LOT of creeps. Here is an example: Two years ago, a man contacted me through this website. He wrote me a couple emails, then met me at an event I advertised – I was part of a sex fair that was open to the public. He seemed nice enough, and asked to meet me for coffee.
I said sure, so we met for coffee. At coffee, he asked me tons of questions and got this weird look in his eyes. He got excited from all the things I was sharing with him. He walked me to my car and asked if he could get in with me so he could ask me a question. A huge red flag went up, but I said sure, BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT.
We sat in the car and he turned to me. “Can I kiss you?”
I sputtered no. I had NO interest in this guy. He was creepy. What made him think I wanted to make out with him? At least he didn’t lunge at me.
He whined a bit, then took his leave. I’m very lucky nothing bad happened. I appreciate that he asked and respected my reaction. NEVER put yourself in a closed space with someone you’re unsure of.
Later, he showed up for one of my TBK get togethers. He circled the party, stared, and kept to himself. His behavior made me uncomfortable.
Since then, he has emailed me two or three times asking when I’m going to have another get together.
I’ll tell you when: NEVER. Or if I do, it will be invite only.
It wasn’t just him that put a damper on the party for me – there were two other creepy guys there who drank too much and crossed some lines.
OK, so what made this particular guy creepy?
By Kendra Holliday | December 13, 2014
So one day I posted a video on my YouTube channel (yes, I need to shoot another one soon!) showing off the difference between two vibrators and how they sounded. It got yanked for being inappropriate, due to the fact that I held an adult toy in my hand for less than 30 seconds. I duplicated the video here, only this time I used kid toys in place of the adult toys. This time it was considered appropriate, and got to stay.
That got me to thinking about baby toys vs. adult toys. (By they way, when my daughter was seven-years-old and found my sex toy stash, she exclaimed, “I’m so glad grownups get toys, too!” Such a healthy response!) Below is a series of toys. Can you guess which is intended for babies, and which are for adults?
By Kendra Holliday | November 30, 2014
Do you know how many men contact me seeking help regarding their penis?
A LOT. Like, five a day. That adds up to 1,825 a year on average.
They love their penises. They REALLY love their penises. They think about their penises a lot, and appreciate all the fun times and great sensations, but still. All is not rosy in the realm of Dick.
These men have a bone to pick with their penis. Complaints lodged against the maligned member include:
It’s not hard enough.
It’s not big enough.
It cums too fast.
It’s too old.
It’s out of control.
If you would like better control over your penis, more reliable erections, more powerful orgasms, and help reigning in premature ejaculation, then I invite you to sign up for The Private Gym.
From the press release:
The Private Gym, LLC announced today the release of its groundbreaking, innovative fitness program, Private Gym, the first FDA registered exercise program that strengthens the pelvic muscles. Using the Private Gym program, in less than 10 minutes a day, three days a week can strengthen the muscles that support and control the penis. Pelvic muscle training results in more rigid erections, reduction of premature ejaculation and heightening of orgasms, as well as support of prostate health and improvement of urinary control. Aside from boosting sexual performance, achieving fit pelvic muscles can help prevent the onset of erectile dysfunction.
I have to admit, upon first glance, I was skeptical. It seemed to be a lot of slick marketing.
But as I dug deeper and reviewed the 8 Week Exercise Program + Resistance Equipment, I started to see the value in this penis strengthening option. I have a pelvic floor barbell and yoni eggs, so why shouldn’t men have something like that for their secret sex muscles?
By Kendra Holliday | November 23, 2014
Here’s an email I got the other day, describing a very common non-monogamy scenario:
I am in my first open relationship of two years and it has been (mostly) extremely rewarding.
I am wondering your opinion on where the middle ground lies in taking responsibility for your jealousy.My partner just got back from a two month trip where he was with another lover.
I’ve been aware of my jealousy of his lover meeting his friends and spending so much time with him. As a way to deal with that, I asked him not to tell me details. We agreed it was complete off-leash time when we are away from one another, so I take responsibility for that.
But now he is back and I feel like it his responsibility to make an effort to show me that he is excited to connect with me again and spend quality time with me. As his primary partner, I do not want to just be the person he comes back home to and that’s it.
Should there be work involved on both parties in a relationships to address the rough spots when it comes to jealousy?
I applaud you for your willingness to try an open relationship. I have to say, it would be a big deal for me if my man was with another lover for two days, much less two months! So, kudos to you for being that open and flexible.
A lot of people adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” when it comes to dating other people. It might work for some, but I tend to see it as a red flag. Asking your partner not to share details is fine for a certain period of time, but not good as a general rule. It pulls a wall up.
Sometimes I’ll ask my partner not to share details until I am ready, like when we are in person and have quality time. In fact, I did this the other day. My partner told me a woman he’s dating was going to stop by. He asked if I was okay with them having sexy time.
I was feeling fragile, but didn’t want to get in the way of his good time, so I told him I was okay with it, but I didn’t want to hear the details until later. Usually, we share details with each other right away.
I’m reminded of a movie I saw the other day on the plane, Maleficent. It’s based on the Grimm fairy tale, Sleeping Beauty, where the castle is surrounded by an impenetrable wall of thorns.
My partner is amazingly intuitive and could sense I put a wall up. Instead of plowing forward and doing his thing, or getting upset with me for raining on his parade, he quickly addressed my feelings and adjusted accordingly.
They hung out and had fun, but didn’t have sexy time. They did have sexy time the following week, and it was fine. I was in a good place, they were in a good place.
When you asked your partner not to share details with you regarding all the intimacy he shared while you were apart, that put a pretty big wall up.
A wall of fear.
So now that a wall is up, it’s hard for him to feel close to you. He’s not sure how to climb the wall, or knock it down. He might not have the ladder or hammer needed – the tools for tricky emotional navigation. Is it safe to climb the wall? Will knocking the wall down damage the relationship? He might even feel like you put a spell on the wall, and he doesn’t know how to break the spell. In the real world, it takes more than just a kiss!
Ideally, relationships should be open and honest. Bring the walls down. The (respectful) truth shall set you free. Relationships where some topics are off limits don’t tend to be sustainable. Besides, reality is never as wild as our imaginations! Be careful about writing someone else’s story.
So, yes! It is both your responsibility to work this out and learn from it for future experiences.
A good relationship is give and give.
Keep being brave and vulnerable!
Replace the fear with love!
By Kendra Holliday | November 20, 2014
Last week, I was in Japan and a client tried emailing me a deposit for a future appointment via Square. (I offer sex and relationship consulting – my professional website is called Be Open and Honest.)
The payment failed. He tried again, to no avail.
That was strange – I’ve been using Square for months, and have loved its ease and customer service. I was SO happy to find an option for sending and receiving money online. I’ve been in search of that service ever since PayPal banned me three years ago for having adult content.
I wrote a message to Square:
I’ve had a couple people try sending me cash via email/debit card this week and it is not working. We get this message:
“Cash couldn’t be sent. There was an issue sending to you.”
It was working last week. Can you please look into it and see what the issue is?
Please let me know if you need any other information from me in order to investigate. Thank you for looking into this and letting me know what the problem is.
I received this reply:
After a recent review of your transfer of funds, we detected the use of Square Cash for commercial activity in violation of Square’s Seller Agreement. As a result, you will no longer be able to use Square Cash to send or receive payments.
Visit the Square website for more information regarding the Square Cash Agreement (https://squareup.com/legal/cash-ua).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh, no! I wrote back:
Thank you very much for your reply. I was not aware I was violating your
terms, I am sorry about that! I provide counseling services. May I still
use Square for transactions using my phone/card reader or manually entering
the number? I loved using Square Cash because it was so easy and clients
didn’t need to give me their credit card number. Is is possible to use
Square Cash and pay a fee for each transaction?
I really hope to still work with you – Square has been the best innovation
for this mobile world of diverse business!
By Kendra Holliday | November 17, 2014
Last week I was in Tokyo on business.
8000 miles away! Halfway around the world!
It was an amazing experience!
It’s always been a dream of mine to visit Japan. I’ve heard so much about it- the fetish clubs, the crazy game shows, the cat cafes and ninja restaurants…
I got to fly First Class and hang out in the fancy frequent flyer club – I didn’t even know those places existed! Normally I camp out in airports at the gate or sports bars like common folk. It turns out there are HUGE private areas where privileged people can have their own mini-office, lounge area, and free booze!
I had a few glasses of wine before I got on the 12 hour flight. I’m so bad like that! But I also drank a lot of water.
I kind of hate flying. I try distracting myself with books, podcasts, movies, so that I don’t think about the plane suddenly breaking apart and plummeting to the ground in -60 oxygenless atmosphere.
On this flight, I saw the epic movie Boyhood, caught up on podcasts (RISK, Snap Judgement, This American Life), and read porn star memoirs by Asa Akira and Madison Young. They are both so amazing and daring and interesting! So raw and honest, they both described anal scenes where they bled unexpectedly, with different outcomes.
Thankfully, I managed to get to Tokyo without any crashing or anal bleeding.
I opted not to take any sex toys with me – I like traveling light and reacquainting myself with my hand on occasion. I kind of wanted to see how long I could go without needing an orgasm, but with all that reading of hot porn scenes (and then having to look up porn clips for reference), I had to take care of myself three or four times.
Matthew had one date while I was gone. I was hoping to Skype in to watch them enjoy each other, but alas, timing didn’t work out. I was 15 hours ahead of St Louis!