By Kendra Holliday | July 14, 2015
I’m 42 years old. Here is my life trajectory so far:
1973: I’m born in North Dakota. Brrrr!
1974: My family moves to Dallas, Texas.
1975: Who the hell knows.
1976: My brother is born.
1977: Um, Elvis dies?
1978: My sister is born. My brother throws up. I remember my first dream; I’m kidnapped by Captain Hook and held hostage with Raggedy Ann and Andy. He cuts off my foot and it looks like SpaghettiOs.
1979: My family moves to St. Louis.
1980: My baby brother is born, and dies two days later. My mom tries to kill herself several times, and when that fails, she burns his name into the back of her hand with a soldering iron. She is never the same again. A very dark time.
1981: Life still sucks. My mom is a complete wreck.
1982: My brother is born. My grandmother dies.
1983: I get molested by an older, adopted brother. It SUCKS. I get sent to therapy, and I don’t know why. I think I’m being punished. I am a victim.
1984: I have my first lesbian encounter. It’s hot and naughty. I’m 11.
1985: My baby sister is born. I drop her on her head, but don’t kill her. Skeptical about god’s involvement, I become an atheist.
1986: I hit puberty and middle school, and lose all my artistic talent and confidence. My family is poor white trash, and I am branded a zitty nerd. It sucks.
1987: My mom keeps getting crazier and crazier. It makes me crazy, and I attempt suicide. I spend time in three different mental hospitals. I lose my virginity to a 24 year old creep with a mustache because he keeps badgering me and I finally give in. It sucks.
1988: My moms tries to kill herself again. I put pressure on her slashed, gaping arms as my dad calls the ambulance. She gets hospitalized a lot, and OD’s, and gets shock treatment. I fuck around and feel very confused. It sucks.
By Kendra Holliday | July 6, 2015
A lot of my friends have to hide their involvement in my group, Sex Positive St Louis, from their friends and family.
A lot of my friends have two facebook accounts – one for their regular self, and one for their naughty self.
Look, I get keeping your private life separate from work – your job is a professional space, and your personal life has no bearing on your work performance. (I wish the company that fired me five years ago realized that!)
But friends and family – they LOVE you. And wouldn’t it be nice if they could accept you for who you are? Accept that you think sex is natural and fun. Accept that you have multiple sex partners. Accept that you do sex work. Accept that you write erotica or have a sex blog. Accept that you attend sex-positive events.
Why can’t they accept those parts of you? Are they old-fashioned? Conservative? Religious? Judgmental? Jealous?
Would they rather you be boring? Miserable? Ordinary?
And if you want to keep that side of yourself private from most people, that is totally fine – but DON’T live in fear that they might find out. Don’t let that keep you from attending a sex-positive event or exploring your sexuality.
If you have a friend or family member you’re afraid of learning the sexual side of you, why? What’s the worst that can happen? They’ll hate you? Disown you? Shame you? Shun you? You’ll hurt them? You’ll have to deal with the fallout? You’ll get sued?
Guess what? If you are a grown person, you are allowed to make your own choices and be yourself, as long as you’re not hurting other people.
By Kendra Holliday | July 5, 2015
Ed Note: My friend A. Crane was in Europe a couple years ago, and decided to try something new…
I went for a stroll in Amsterdam’s Red Light District in search of a little titillation. I was a man in my late 20’s and had been traveling solo in Europe for the past two months.
By this time it seemed that every woman I passed on the street was the most beautiful creature I’d ever laid eyes upon. That, combined with my essentially abstaining from sex for several months, plus the lack of privacy in which I might masturbate, was making me feel pent up, and I found myself toying with the heretofore unconsidered notion of hiring a prostitute.
I wandered until I found the notorious red light district. I remembered reading that the Oudekerk (old church) is surrounded by brothels, and those were the first I found.
Directly across the street from the old church was a row of windows with red lights above them. Behind each of these windows was an overweight woman, most of whom were of African descent. Now, I sometimes find myself attracted to black girls, but not as a rule, and I am almost never attracted to heavy-set women.
I shook my head as I passed the last window. “Is this what all the fuss is about? There’s hardly anyone around.”
Well, that must have been the Baltic Avenue of brothels, because after a little more wandering, I found Park Place, if not Boardwalk. Some of these girls were simply gorgeous, and most were damned sexy, AND scantily clad, adding to their allure. As I walked back to the hostel, I found myself quite hot and bothered indeed.
I now found myself with two dilemmas. Should I get high in Amsterdam? And should I pay a woman cash for sex? Let’s consider the second question first.
By Kendra Holliday | June 26, 2015
I’m BACK! It’s so good to be home! And ready to start a new chapter! Boy, do I have plans for you! Let me know if you have plans for ME!
I’m now available for consulting and surrogacy sessions during the day, evenings, and weekends – when I’m not planning amazing events, making dreams come true, or organizing new religions, ha! More on that soon…
We started our summer off right with four days in Seattle, and six in Alaska – both places new to me! I love exploring new things.
And now I get to cross two more states off my list – I have 17 more to go!
In Seattle, we stayed within walking distance of the Space Needle.
We also saw a pretty femalesque clam at the Seattle Aquarium:
We went bar hopping, and ended up at Pony, a gay dive bar:
And he surprised me with a Speakeasy!
By Matthew | June 21, 2015
Ed Note: This is a guest post by my partner, Matthew. He is the father of two children.
A couple of weeks ago, I started hearing the yearly buzz of “Father’s Day” gifts, salutations and tributes. I started thinking a bit more in depth on the subject of Fatherhood and what it means to me.
Being a Father is synonymous to me with being a man. I hear so many people speak of “men” they know or have connections with and then start divulging details about these people.
I know women who demand flowers from their husbands as a way of apologizing for an act of relationship treason.
I know women who are dating “men” right now, but speak of nothing but their shortcomings.
I know of “men” whose wives have gotten up and walked away from them while they were eating her pussy.
I know of “men” who don’t make an effort to spend time with their children.
I know of “men” who can’t separate business from pleasure and vice versa.
I know of “men” who are so weak themselves, that they show their “strength” by preying on the eager and ignorant.
I know women who have settled for a “man”.
I know of “men” who live in their mother’s basement.
I know of “men” who can’t dress themselves.
I am sure you know plenty of “men” like this as well.
If a man has children, they are his number one priority.
By Kendra Holliday | June 7, 2015
This packed schedule meant I had no time for myself, and hardly any time to spend with friends and lovers.
As an introvert, this got to be stressful. I wanted to do it all!
Whenever anyone would ask to make plans, I’d gasp, “I’m so busy!”
Well, that is changing NOW. Here on out, I’m replacing the phrase, “I’m so busy!” with, “I’m so fulfilled!”
Something had to give, and that something was my day job.
I remember how grateful I was to get that job – I was going through a really hard time. They gave me a chance. I appreciated that they respected my personal life and knew I would keep it separate from my professional time there.
The work was interesting and offered a steady paycheck and health insurance, but office politics and other petty matters were wearing me down. My most productive hours were spent pushing papers and sitting on my butt. I want MORE out of life than that! I felt like I had outgrown my role there.
After months of contemplation and discussion with my partner Matthew, I decided to push past the fear and take the leap – heart racing, I put in my notice.
I did it for my health, and to be more available to my daughter. I also did it for the sake of my passion and mission.
Have you ever heard that phrase, “Better to live hand-to-mouth than 9 to 5”? It means it’s better to release yourself to the wild than remain in a self-imposed cage. And you know what my motto is:
THINK OUTSIDE THE CAGE.
By Kendra Holliday | June 6, 2015
A few days after Joan Price left, I had friends over – my partner Matthew, and a couple we are dating.
A lot of my friends are polyamorous and no drama! This means they can easily get their physical and emotional needs met. They enjoy novelty, but also security – the best of both worlds.
As a result of this marvelous configuration that works for all of us, we can get together and have sex, or not have sex, and it’s alllll good. We enjoy each other’s company on many levels. Even if we only spend the evening talking and bonding, no one leaves feeling frustrated, especially because they are fulfilled. Plus, they can always go home and have sex!
It all feels intimate and wonderful. We don’t have to waste time on small talk – we can dive right into BIG talk!
This night was one of those evenings where we were sitting around the table talking, and I suggested, “Why don’t we all go to the bedroom?”
Everyone was down, so off we went!
By Matthew | June 5, 2015
I love to flirt, and women seem to enjoy flirting back. The casual fun flirting is a blast, and I enjoy it. But I never know if they want to move from fun flirting to something more serious.
I’ve tried a few times to make the change to serious flirting, and found out I was wrong, and screwed up friendships. So for the past few years, I just automatically default to “it’s just for fun” and don’t even try to “make a move.”
So I guess what I’m asking is – is there any good indication that a woman is interested in moving the flirting from “just for fun” to something with more intent? What Are Best Practices for Men Flirting With Women?
I’m going to turn this one over to Matthew! Now, this is a man who is not into tricking or manipulating other people.
He takes “master pickup artists” and picks them up and tosses them in the dumpster.
He practices open and honest communication.
He doesn’t have a GQ model body, but he has the confidence of Zeus.
He realizes that not every woman wants to be with him, and HE’S OK WITH THAT. He’s only interested in being with women who are genuinely into him. Somehow, he manages to play the situation so that he KNOWS the woman is desperate to get to his cock. At least, that’s how he played me. For months. The bastard! Sigh, I’m hooked.
Take it away, Matthew….
This is a great question and I am going to address it on a number of levels. Specifically to your question, first and foremost what comes to mind is an encounter I had with a woman some time ago.
By Kendra Holliday | June 4, 2015
Wanna know the quickest way NOT to get in my pants?
Think dealbreaker, hard limit, red flag, turn OFF.
OK, besides wearing Crocs or torturing small mammals.
Send me an unsolicited cock shot.
Is this what men imagine their cock shot looks like?
Guys. Here is what it really looks like:
By Kendra Holliday | May 30, 2015
I almost killed Joan Price.
But before I tell you how (it wasn’t on purpose!), let me back up a little bit and set the stage.
Her focus is on senior sexuality, because while she advocates for ALL adults to enjoy sex on their own terms, she especially wants to reach seniors and remind them they have full rights and permission to continue to explore their sexuality. Too often in our society, people think they have to give up their sexuality at a certain age (opinions vary on what that age is!)
Joan advocates AGELESS SEXUALITY – retire from your job, not your sex life!
Before I dive into the behind-the-scenes of her visit to St. Louis last month, feel free to read my review of her book Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex , her new book The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty, this post featuring female orgasms that will lead you to her awesome blog, and this incredibly moving piece she wrote about the death of her husband – he was the Love of her Life.
I couldn’t believe we were hosting this amazing woman! For months before her arrival, we held naked fundraisers (Happy Nude Year!) and whore workshops in order to pay her fee. She agreed to stay at my house! It’s a small little fairy cottage. I happily gave her my bedroom and slept on a mattress in my daughter’s room.
I was envisioning media coverage, filling auditoriums with doctors and bussing in people from retirement homes all over the area, but we ended up with three smaller affairs – she spoke at a wonderfully progressive synagogue, The Ethical Society, and at Washington University School of Social Work. All in all, she reached about 200 people during her visit. I wanted her to reach 2000! Maybe next time…
By Kendra Holliday | May 28, 2015
I’m really at a cross roads in my marriage due to mismatched libidos. My husband has a higher drive for “vanilla” stuff. I’ve told my husband about some of my kinks and he’s weirded out, even by things I consider pretty banal, like using a vibrator during sex. He’s kinda judgy about anything that isn’t penetrative sex.
I told him I wanted an open relationship but that did not go down well. I’m 29, he’s 34, we’ve been together 6 years. We never had a honeymoon period, sexually.
I’ve told him we should be doing these things while were young. If we don’t do these things with eachother they’re never going to happen.
I can picture myself in my minds eye, aged 50, frustrated and celibate.
I haven’t been vague in communicating what I want. Anyway the sorts of fantasies I’ve shared are forced orgasms, anal, etc. I mostly get off on an exchange of power.
My husband has said all my fantasies seem to revolve around things being done to me and they have the hallmark of someone who has spent a lot of time alone, in their head and they’re not healthy. I honestly think I’d be more up for “regular” sex if I felt my desires were respected or treated with some kind of curiosity. At present we have sex about once a month when I can manage to work myself up with my fantasies.
I do love my husband. We’re great friends and we have so much in common. But this is my number one frustration. The ridiculous part is my husband resents that I’m not ready and willing to fuck more than once a month. It’s not for a lack of drive, I’m just bored shitless!
What would you do if you were me?
By Kendra Holliday | May 22, 2015
I offer a lot of interesting services, and am always up for suggestions.
One of the services I offer are adult toy store tours.
The store is big, clean, spacious, and has a great inventory!
A few years ago, I wasn’t too impressed with the staff. They were surly goth chicks with lots of tattoos and bad attitudes.
When I went in there the other day with a client, I was glad to be greeted by some really nice, helpful staff.
I was all ready to show off for my client my extensive knowledge of adult toys. Was I in for a surprise! As you know, I’ve reviewed sex toys for years, but I haven’t in a while.
Things have changed SOO much in the past few months! There are SO many new, improved products on the market! I felt like a kid getting cake for the first time!
I was so excited, and a little embarrassed to be caught off guard by all the awesome new TOYS!!!
But my client was just as eager and fun-loving as I was, so it was all good!
By Kendra Holliday | May 21, 2015
Would you like to take a peek into my email inbox? I get inquiries like this almost daily. MEN: Please take note.
So I get this email from a random guy:
I just discovered your blog today and would love to meet you. I am a 37 year old male with a great body and a Hugh sex drive. Let’s make it happen!
Glad you like my blog! How did you find it? Let me know if you’d like to schedule a consultation. $60/hr
I came upon it in the RFT. I’d like to get to know you better… What does the consultation entail?
A consultation is $100 for an hour, in a public setting. A way to get to know each other and find out more about you and what you are seeking (I pretty much put everything out there about me, but don’t know anything about you!)
He shoots back:
Eventually, if you decide you want to, I would like you to join my girl friend and me. Is that something we can work towards?
Houston, we have a problem.
By Kendra Holliday | May 19, 2015
My partner Matthew and I are both infertile by choice.
He had a vasectomy a few years ago, and I followed suit with a hysterectomy.
I haven’t bled out of my vagina in more than two years!
I have to admit, it’s pretty awesome.
I mourn the fact that I’ll never have a baby with him. He smells soo good. My body fiercely wants this magnificent alpha male’s baby. I envy his ex-wife for having that honor, not once, but twice – a boy and a girl.
One time Mattew wrote me a love note of fantastical thoughts. This was an excerpt:
…Us together forever…bringing a crying baby to you in the middle of the night to nurse…holding you while you fade away…fucking you on top a building, mountain, Eiffel Tower…slow fucking you with others in the room…caging you up-only getting you out to fuck-but putting you back in to come on you…letting you do anything you want to me…seeing you in white from head to toe…being without you…caring for you when you are sick…Loving you til the day I die…
I positively swooned over this, especially the part about the baby. It sounded soo romantic. Impregnation fantasies turn me on!
The thing is, I don’t WANT a baby ever again. I don’t LIKE babies. I’m not into noise, shit, and huge amounts of responsibility. I love my freedom. I was lucky to experience the full range of motherhood once, and that was plenty for me.
By Kendra Holliday | May 18, 2015
UPDATE: Sex Positive St. Louis is hosting a talk on asexuality Sunday, May 24 at Shameless Grounds, from 2-4pm. Guest speaker Tom will tell us all about asexuality and share his story. My asexual daughter and I will be there!
I know it’s going to sound crazy, but there are people out there who aren’t horny all the time.
I recently read this fascinating book called Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies. The author polled thousands of people, and was surprised to learn that 10% of his sample group reported no sexual fantasies. He was skeptical, wondering if they were in denial or had super repressed fantasies.
Maybe they really don’t fantasize about sex. Maybe they aren’t interested in it. Maybe sex isn’t a priority for them.
Which leads me to THIS book – The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality.
I’ll admit it – I used to think asexuality was not real. I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept – sex is a huge part of my life, so how could it be insignificant to someone else?
Then, when I finally acknowledged it was real, I was of the mindset that it was odd or the person was defective, and hopefully they would eventually outgrow the notion and get with the program – sex is the most important thing in the world.
Boy, was I ignorant!