By Kendra Holliday | April 22, 2016
If you know me at all, you know that I have a mentally ill mother, and a mentally ill daughter.
Yes, genetics can be a bitch.
As a result, I’m constantly sandwiched between my past and my future.
If the timing features one of them having a meltdown, it can feel like a stressful seesaw, but if the timing features both of them freaking out simultaneously, it can feel crushing.
Today, I set out to have a happy-go-lucky day of self care – I took time off from seeing clients so I could enjoy the beautiful spring weather – read, write, go shopping, take walks, and nap.
Relax and rejuvenate.
But a couple days ago, I had a bad phone call with my mom. Among other things, she has borderline personality disorder. I’m not sure what that means exactly,
but I do know that serial killer Aileen Wuornos had it, and it means you have to walk on eggshells with the afflicted person and kiss their ass, or else you will pay dearly for it – they will instantly turn on you and become vicious.
I talk to my mom on the phone a few times a week, and I usually play along and kiss her ass, murmuring sympathetic responses to her litany of complaints about how cruel everyone is to her.
This time, I didn’t feel like it. She whined about what a victim she was, after bragging about slamming the door on her social worker and stealing money from my dad, and when I asked her what she wanted me to do about her pathetic plight, she got angry and insulted me. I hung up on her.
Today, my daughter got a letter in the mail from her crazy grandma. It included this picture of me, along with a taunting message in my mother’s spidery script:
This was your mother at age 21, before she met your father.
My daughter was confused, but I immediately knew the intent.
This picture was taken right after I was raped. She sent it deliberately in order to hurt me again. The first time, a man stuck his cock in me because he wanted to. This time, mom mom stuck a memory knife in me because she wanted to. Both times, I was penetrated without my consent.
The day this photo was taken was over twenty years ago. I was working at a nursing home with a nice guy named Pasqual. He was from Cameroon, and was attending Maryville University for a nursing degree. He lived with a host family. He had dark skin and a moon face, and a thick French accent.
By Kendra Holliday | April 17, 2016
I’ve had the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies on my shelf for a long time. It tempted me with its mysterious title and sexy cover (I LOVE oysters, and I LOVE my pearl, if you know what I mean).
Well, I finally dusted it off and read it, and it blew my mind, and I’ve been recommending it to people left and right ever since.
Here’s an intro concept from it that should provoke your thoughts:
“There’s a joke that says that when two people have sex, there are six people in bed: the two lovers and the parents of each of them.”
Is that creepy, true, or both? I hope you’re imagining group sex with your parents right now.
A sampling of the MANY interesting points brought up in this book:
– “Sexual excitement requires that we momentarily become selfish. There needs to be a tension between selfishness and caring, between using and pleasing your partner.”
Do you know what this means? Sometimes, when it comes to sex, you need to be ruthless. You need to let go and stop worrying so much about every little move and just focus on the pleasure. YOUR pleasure.
– The difference between guilt and shame: “Guilt involves beliefs that we are hurting others, while shame involves beliefs that we’re exposed and unworthy in the eyes of others.”
– “When people are aggressive or cruel in their sexual daydreams or practices, it is not because they are primarily sadistic but because they are trying to solve a problem.”
– Have you ever known a woman who is really bitchy toward her male partner? He’s such a nice guy, he tries so hard to cater to her wants and needs, yet she treats him like an annoying puppy? This book explains the reason behind that lopsided dynamic.
– Survivor guilt and unconscious parental jealousy is behind a lot of the issues we face with our parents. Have you ever wondered why someone would start drinking heavily when they became successful in their field? Or why some parents sabotage their kids and excessively criticize instead of support them in their endeavors? This book goes into the details behind those perplexing behaviors, and much more.
By Kendra Holliday | March 23, 2016
It’s my birthday today! Do you know what I want?
Happy, healthy vaginas.
My fellow women in St. Louis.
My fellow women around the world.
If you are glad I was born and would like to honor that time I traversed a vaginal canal 43 years ago, please consider donating to one of my favorite non-profits:
Worldwide Fistula Fund – A global health organization dedicated to the treatment and prevention of obstetric fistulas. WFF helps girls and women to heal, recover and rebuild their lives, while working to improve the safety of childbirth. WFF and our partners in sub-Saharan Africa provide girls and women with expert care and support to recover and rejoin society. Restore health and dignity to girls and women in sub-Saharan Africa.
Planned Parenthood – HEALTH SERVICES give individuals the power and the ability to take control of their lives, their health and their future. EDUCATION SERVICES give medically-accurate information to help teens make responsible decisions about their reproductive future and strengthens parent-teen communication.
SWOP-St. Louis – A local branch of the Sex Workers Outreach Project, a national social justice network dedicated to the fundamental human rights of sex workers and their communities. SWOP focuses on ending violence and stigma through education and advocacy.
Thank you for helping make the world a better place, one healthy vagina at a time!
By Kendra Holliday | March 19, 2016
Some people do monogamy just fine.
Other people find themselves desiring more than one person, and they either suppress those feelings, or they break up with their partner and practice serial monogamy.
Or, they allow intimate relationships to overlap, either by cheating or engaging in ethical non-monogamy.
Ethical non-monogamy can still be quite limiting, depending on the agreed upon guidelines.
For example, I’ve met women who say they are polyamorous/in an open relationship, then qualify it to mean she has a boyfriend and they are both allowed to be with women, as long as he is present. And no boys allowed.
I used to be in relationships like this! I thought it was really annoying and unfair. And it kept happening, over and over. I couldn’t escape it.
I call this phenomenon OBS – Opportunistic Boyfriend Syndrome; dudes who take advantage of their awesome, open-minded bisexual girlfriends. The guys I was with were all down with fucking my girlfriends and male-female-female threesomes and me allowing their wildest fantasies to come true, but the double standard kicked in as soon as I’d ask to fuck one of their male friends. It seemed selfish and one-sided to me. They would tell me, “But you’re bisexual, so it’s okay to have this arrangement, and really, I’m being nice and you should be grateful.”
Finally I got so fed up with this hypocrisy that I swore off committing to any man, since apparently no person with balls could handle my wildest fantasies. Nope. Just his.
By Kendra Holliday | March 19, 2016
You know how I was molested and raped in the past, right? Most women have, and some men, too. It’s WAY more common than statistics indicate.
Well, imagine my surprise when I was sexually assaulted a couple months ago! I didn’t see THAT coming.
Here’s what happened.
We were out of town on vacation. We ran into one of Matthew’s friends, a really nice, attractive married man.
Over drinks, he lamented to us how he has a mad stocking fetish, and his wife never indulges him.
We asked him if he knew where his fetish originated, and at first he didn’t know, but then recalled memories of stroking his sweet mother’s legs when he was a little boy. So stockings have very positive connotations for him – fetishes run deep.
After checking with Matthew, I offered to let his friend rub my stockinged calves and feet. I thought it was a nice, generous gesture – after all, it’s not every woman who is as open-minded and sexually giving as me.
His face lit up like a kid at Christmas.
We went back to our hotel room, and I half undressed, and put my feet in his lap. He remained fully clothed.
He excitedly ran his hands all over the silky texture, just lapping up my erotic female energy. Women have wonderful curves all over, right down to their feet!
Matthew left the room to give him a little space.
I was not particularly aroused, it was just a little naughty fun for me, but the guy was having a blast. He was super eager like a hungry puppy. I felt bad for him for being denied something he craved so much. I gave his jean-clad crotch a loving rub with my foot.
And then suddenly, he rose up and started twiddling my nipples, as if he was trying to tune a radio station. I HATE having my nipples fiddled with like that, especially out of the blue. I was aghast.
By Kendra Holliday | March 18, 2016
My organization Sex Positive St. Louis offers some amazing events for our local community – not only do we host happy hours, discussions, pussy parties, and clothing optional parties, but we also present demos from time to time. Previous demos include blowjob, cunnilingus, female ejaculation, and fisting.
Well the other day, I met a man who loves sounding. Urethral sounding is the practice of inserting rods into the urethra (pee hole) in order to increase the inner diameter. Say what?! Believe it or not, this unusual activity can elicit very sexy sensations for some people!
You can read a good essay about it at Nerve.com – Sensible Sounding: Why I Inserted a Metal Rod into My Penis on Purpose.
He joked to me, “You should do a demo on this.”
I shot back, “That’s a GREAT idea! Will you do it?!”
He was surprised. “What? Really? Who would be interested in that?”
“Are you kidding? This is FASCINATING! Every time I mention it to someone, they either cringe like crazy or ask tons of questions!”
YES I talked him into it!
About 20 interested people attended the demo – men, women, couples, black, white, younger, older. We were fascinated and full of questions! How does it work? Why do it? What kind of man would do such a thing? Does it feel good? How far do they go in? Is it safe? What tools should you use?
Our demo guy was 28-year-old Marty. He reminded me of a young Jack Nicholson, complete with messy hair and a mischievous grin. He had a strong, muscular body dusted with body hair and decorated with a few tattoos. He had some scrapes on his legs and a bandage wrapped around one of his hands. When asked how he got banged up, he told us he skateboards.
Before he got started, we all sat around in a circle and introduced ourselves and shared why we were there. A couple of the men had sounding experience, but most were curious about it; they didn’t explore it due to safety concerns.
The women were also very curious, but there was one female nurse there who found it to be a huge turn on!
By Kendra Holliday | March 10, 2016
You know how facebook shows you your memories from ever since you signed up to be a part of their bittersweet social parasite network?
Well, March 10 seems to be an especially poignant day for me, as you can see detailed below.
Who the hell knows what I was thinking about and doing before 2008, but you can spy on my sordid life milestones in this post.
Beyond that, facebook reminded me that in —
2008 I had a non-sexual crush on my dentist. I loved my dentist so much. I was with him for years. He was always kind and took good care of me. Not only that, but he talked about books with me – we were both in book clubs and swapped titles.
But then health insurance broke us up, and I hopped around. I ended up in three abusive dentist relationships in a row – either they were mean, or stood me up, or were arrogant – until finally I found a female dentist I adore, but I don’t have dental insurance now, so I pay out of pocket. She gives me discounts, and thankfully, I have great teeth. FLOSS FOR THE WIN.
2009 I was sick of the word “sensual”. It’s such a creepy word. But, if you look at the origins of the word, I can get behind it, and have since accepted it.
2010 I took my daughter to her first feminist party. One of the women gravely informed her, “It’s a woman’s duty to be a bitch.” Six years later, I can see what she means. I can’t tell you how many people (mostly men) I’ve had try and fuck me over. You have to stand tall and firm and let them know WHO IS BOSS.
2011 I mused, “Do you know any women who have a pierced nose who are NOT sexual dynamos? Just wondering…” of course I have a pierced nose. Left side. I like noticing who has a pierced nose, and where it is – left side, right side, bull ring in the middle.
– and I appreciated this wise article on breakups. Sometimes you gotta thank the people who hurt you, because they have made you stronger and better.
2012 was SEX+STL’s first Queen of Hearts Ball downtown, in a club that has since closed. Cooper Beckett from Life on the Swingset attended! I got really drunk that night, and some crazy shit happened. We’ve had another Queen of Hearts Ball since then, and it was way out in the country at a big house and there was an ice storm, eek! But an even bigger hit.
2013 I had insomnia. I still do. I also visited with family from out of town. Wish I could see them more than every other year.
2014 I was in New York, visiting a dazzling glass factory, trying to make the best of a business trip with my awful office job. I was desperate to find a change of scenery and beauty anywhere.
2015 I was still at my office job, afflicted by ennui and about to SNAP. In addition, I was talking about my daughter’s anxiety and depression, and how I was signing us up for meditation classes. I have a mantra now, la dee da! She still struggles with the mental stuff. And I have since quit that job and now work for myself, which makes me more sane!
By Kendra Holliday | March 9, 2016
Hello, horny travelers!
Thank you for contacting me requesting my dirty panties, socks, shoes, pics, etc., i.e., things soaked with my priceless female energy.
Unlike most reserved, sensible women, I am in touch (mmm!) with my sexuality, and I am happy to indulge your deepest, dirtiest desires, but please note that I am a goddess in demand, aka a sacred prostitute, and my time and female essence is invaluable.
If you would like to sip from my delicious cup of unique feminine divine, the first step is to send me a $100 Amazon gift card
to email@example.com to prove you are earnest and respectful.
Or, better yet, you can book a consult with me. You mustn’t forget that, while you can manufacture money, masturbation, travel and other novel experiences and pleasures, you cannot create female energy. In that realm, you must seek women such as myself out. And here you are – led by the divine feminine! It’s time for you to pay tribute.
PUSSY IS GOLD.
By Kendra Holliday | March 4, 2016
Ed Note: An oldie but goodie from the trashy archives. This was preparation for one of my grossest feats of fetish work – Fifi’s Cum Fiesta!
Matthew calls me up. I tell him it’s been a long day (I’ve fucked a virgin and had a threesome) and I’m about to go to bed.
“Not yet you’re not. You need to come over here and do your duty.”
“Yes, Sir.” I’m tired, but I’m happy to serve him.
I drive over and let myself in. I find him standing in the basement, jerking off to porn. He points to the floor in front of him.
I wordlessly kneel before him, and he sticks his revved up dick in my mouth and fucks my face until he explodes.
He clamps his hand over my face and orders, “SWALLOW IT,” but I don’t, I go limp and my act of submission makes him think I’ve done it, so he releases his hold on me.
I spit his load in my hand and ask, “Can I feed this to Fifi tomorrow? He wants a sample before the big cum fiesta.”
He looks down at me, surprised, but shrugs. “I don’t care.”
“Thank you!” I run over to his kid’s play kitchen and grab a cup and drop his cum in it.
He walks me out, and on the way he says, “Wait a minute,” and goes to the kitchen to get something.
“Oh, do you have my travel mug? I left it here,” I say.
Yes, he’s getting my travel mug, and I watch him pour the water that was in it into the sink.
Oh how sweet, I think. He’s going to fill it with fresh water for me.
Instead, it’s my turn to be surprised. He whips out his dick and starts PISSING IN MY MUG.
I’m gaping as he stops, dumps the full cup into the sink, and then resumes pissing, filling it up again. Then he calmly screws the lid back on and walks over and hands it to me.
I’m aghast. He just looks at me and says, “Don’t leave shit at my house.”
On the way home I get pulled over for speeding, going 35 in a 25 zone, and the whole time I’m waiting for my ticket I’m keenly aware of the cups of cum and piss sitting in my car cupholders. Luckily the cop doesn’t notice. (Note: This is the second time this month that I’ve been pulled over in a sublime daze leaving his house – before now, I’ve had a clean record. I suppose I’m driving under the influence – DICK DRUNK.)
When I get home I pour the piss out and put my mug in the dishwasher, but I stick the cum in the fridge for my playdate with Fifi the next day. He wants me to force feed him cum and take him bra shopping.
Tune in tomorrow to hear all about the perverted, public playdate…
By Kendra Holliday | March 4, 2016
Ed Note: This is the prelude to my most perverted pinnacle moment! This regular guy had some crazy fetish fantasies and asked me to help him make them cum true. Let’s call him Fifi.
Fifi asked me to take him bra shopping. He also asked me to gift him with a load of cum – he wanted me to force him to eat it, a sneak preview of our grand session coming up.
He was already wearing thigh hi stockings and black panties under his khakis when he picked me up. I came out to the car carrying the cupful of cum from my fridge that I harvested last night.
I asked him, “Do you want this right now? It’s cold.”
He gulped and said, “Whatever you want me to do.”
I smiled slyly and said, “I think I’ll set it between my thighs for a while and let it warm up.”
We drove to the mall. We had to drive to one in Illinois because he didn’t want anyone from his church to run into him at the local mall.
Every once in a while, I would pick up the cup and give it a swirl, checking its consistency. I gave it a sniff. “YIKES, that is bleachy. Here, you smell,” and I thrust it under his nose so he could take a whiff. He cringed. I smirked.
“You know, this load was meant for me. He told me to swallow it, but I was good enough to save it for you. I’m very nice to share, don’t you think?”
He said yes.
We pulled into a parking spot at the mall. A family with two adults and some kids sat in a van opposite our car. Perfect.
I turned to him and announced, “I think we’ll give you cum breath before we go shopping. And look – you have an audience!”
By Kendra Holliday | March 4, 2016
Well, it was messy.
In the morning, I took the sinister mug of cum (40 loads harvested from freaky friend’s asses, used condoms, hell I even had people drive through town and stop by to jerk off on my couch for the cause!) out of the freezer and stuck it in my pantry to thaw. I didn’t want a cat knocking it over for lordsake – that would be a cat-astrophe!
My evil girlfriend came over, and we happily prepped for the cum fiesta. She brought one last batch to add to the impressive load (most of it came from her ass – she is the anal QUEEN), and I showed her my stash in the pantry. As soon as I opened the door, the stench of cum hit us.
“DAMN!!” we giggled, and combined it all in a pan of warm water – mmm, semen stew! We also laid out our supplies (see below!)
Just LOOK at what TBK readers created. You all CAME TOGETHER and helped make this happen! My gf Belle surveyed the end result and said with satisfaction, “Now THAT is epic.”
Noon hit, and the little bitch Fifi knocked on the door. We greeted him, made him sign a waiver, and got down to business. He brought a cute pink silky nightie to wear, along with pink panties and black thigh hi’s.
We watched him change and made him go pee pee sitting down like a girl. He came out of the bathroom wearing his cute little pink number, and we walked him into the kitchen, where he got to see the massive load for the first time.
I think he was truly shocked. I asked, “Have you ever seen this much cum in real life at once?”
He gulped and said, “No.”
“And YOU get to drink it!” I said gleefully.
His eyes were bugging out of his head. “I wasn’t expecting that much,” he stammered.
“Aren’t my readers GREAT? Just look at this bounty!” I was so proud.
By Kendra Holliday | March 2, 2016
What is your relationship to porn? Do you use porn to relieve stress, as a diversion, as a partner substitute, or as a cheap date? Do you respect porn stars and acknowledge they are athletic models of sexual prowess, or do you regard them as social pariahs? (If that’s the case, why are they called “stars”??)
Do you surf free sites until you find something you fancy? That’s like digging through fast food dumpsters for freebies.
Or do you subscribe to a porn star’s site in order to view quality porn and support the person who is getting naked and fucking for your entertainment? These sites can even be educational as well as incredibly sexy. A great example is The Art of Blowjob, which promotes beautiful and respectful sex. YES, facials can be done with love!
I’ve been thinking a lot about porn lately.
I LOVE me some porn. One of my favorite junk food sites is HornBunny – it focuses on incest fantasies. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched this clip of “Daughter Being Talked into Sucking and Fucking Dad.” It’s so wrong and creepy and gets me off every time!
But I’ve noticed porn has been affecting people’s sex lives in negative ways a lot lately – even in MY bedroom!
I enjoy a healthy, happy sex life with my partner, and three times in a row together, he was not able to orgasm. This was unusual for us, so I asked him about it. Naturally, I thought he was losing attraction to me, but he assured me that was not the case. (This is a good example of communicating with your partner – don’t make assumptions and fill in the blanks!)
So he thought about it, and realized that he had taken up a tumblr porn habit as of late – he had it installed on his phone, and would pull it up to view throughout the day during any down or wait time. This messed with his vibe, like snacking on potato chips all day, so that by the time he sat down to dinner, he was no longer hungry.
By Kendra Holliday | February 28, 2016
Shared by a member of Sex Positive St. Louis:
We all have at one time found ourselves living a fearful life. What do you fear?
Fear strangles you. It matters not what that fear is, you can’t relax, it holds you back and robs you of peace of mind. Are you anxious about something? That may tell you about a fear you have that you don’t even realize.
Most all anxiety is FEAR based, somewhere. Learn to identify those things in yourself. Then consciously evaluate them to see if you are being fearful of SOMETHING THAT HAS YET TO HAPPEN.
It seems as though we lack real threats in our daily lives, such as being attacked by a predator, so we fabricate fears in order to instigate our fight, flight, or freeze mechanisms. And then we don’t allow our emotions to fully cycle through, which traps us in an unhealthy state of mind. How do we allow some non-tangible, non-manifested thing to influence our lives so much? Why are we afraid of change?
Only you can answer that, but you have to confront the fear yourself, in your own way. Right your own ship, accept the challenge, face your world, be King or Queen of your realm, take the bull by the horns, challenge yourself, make the decision, banish fear. You will find that when you take action to face down your fears, you will see that they aren’t as formidable as you thought and you will prevail.
REPLACE THE FEAR WITH LOVE.
By Kendra Holliday | February 10, 2016
I had an amazing date the other night!
Do you remember how I talked about how to make a woman feel comfortable in a previous post?
In order to ensure your time with a woman is mutually enjoyable (as opposed to you just having your way with her), you should make her feel safe, warm and special. And that’s exactly what my date Capn Marrrk did.
We’ve been carrying on for many years now, but due to our hectic schedules, we’ve only been together one-on-one a handful of times. When we do get together, he always makes the experience so creative and special.
He asked me to wear a Moon Goddess ensemble, which is something like this. I love my copper circlet – it suits me so well.
He told me, “I’m planning a ritual.”
Oooh, I liked the sound of that!
I dressed the part, and lit lots of candles. He came over with a bag of supplies.
We followed the glowing trail of candles to the bedroom. Mythical ambient music like this played softly in the background.
He poured red wine into a celestial goblet and had me drink from it.
Then, he slowly kissed and undressed me. Each step of the way, he murmured thanks to the goddesses for this sacred time. He anointed me with essential oils.
Then, he produced a small satchel that contained twelve relics from his past – coins from countries he visited, arrowheads found on camping trips, and more.
Explaining the history behind each one, he placed it on the soft rug at my feet, until I was circled with poignant memories.
By Kendra Holliday | February 8, 2016
I’ve FINALLY figured out what makes female breasts/nipples so awed and feared!
You know I’ve been struggling with this Topless Inequality quandary for years – remember the Obscene Nipple Game?
A married man told me that seeing his wife’s breasts is always exciting – it never gets old. “Every time I see them, it’s like it’s the first time. It’s refreshing and invigorating.”
I notice with amusement how predictable my clients are – as soon as my bra comes off, they lean down and suck on each nipple, like an automatic, erotic handshake. They simply HAVE to touch and fondle them.
But then get this – the other day I had a date with my girlfriend, and when she took off her shirt, I was compelled to do the exact same thing! I just wanted to grab them! But I didn’t – I was a respectful lady. And that reaction is even with me having breasts myself!
Breasts are like warm, glowing light bulbs, and we are mere moths. Supposedly, moths are drawn to light because of some ancient connection to the moon, which is a feminine symbol.
Sooo here’s the deal – the reason female breasts and nipples are so awed and feared is because
THEY ARE MAGIC.
That’s it. They are a source of creation and life-giving. They symbolize Mother Earth – they are the opposite of destruction. And while most people revere and respect life force and see it as a positive thing, some people find it overwhelming and confusing, which can be scary. The more we can be in touch with our feelings, the healthier we can process the mysterious world around us.
I breastfed my daughter for a year, and am so proud how I provided her only food source for months, and how she thrived and grew – it’s so magical and empowering!
In honor of this realization, I’m hosting a Topless Tarot event later this week, for women only. We’ll sit around in my warm and cozy fairy cottage and connect and bond over candlelight, cards, gems, and runes. We’ll be surrounded by breasts and loving female energy! Our cups runneth over!
I went back into my blog archives and pulled random breast photos – I just love them so much, and am happy to have them. I’m glad to share them with you, on my own terms. Thank you for your respectful worship and appreciation!