By Kendra Holliday | January 31, 2018
Do you know the term “New Relationship Energy“? It’s popular in polyamory circles, and describes that giddy infatuation feeling when you’re dating someone new. It’s like a drug!
My daughter is experiencing it now as she’s dating a new boy. They are so crazy about each other! It’s so nice to find someone who is your champion, someone who makes you feel emotionally supported and loved – someone who gets you, despite all your idiosyncrasies.
I’m about to head out for my 10th cabin getaway with my partner Matthew. As I sit and reflect on how crazy we still are about each other after all these years (a record for me!), I appreciate how our connection has evolved into Old Relationship Energy. (Read this great list of ways to keep the spark in your relationship. And if you’re more monogamous-minded, do check out Esther Perel’s work on how to sustain a happy and healthy marriage.)
I remember the first year or two we were together, we had to have sex at least twice a day. If we were lying in bed together, he would be hard. We would have threesomes and foursomes all the time. It’s not like that anymore, but we still feel passion, deep connection, and mad respect for each other. We don’t have sex as often as we used to, but it’s still realllllly good.
Here is how we have maintained a decade of great emotional and physical fulfillment, despite all the challenges we’ve faced:
We chose not to live together or combine our families. We have our own space and don’t have to go to family therapy!
- We didn’t get married. Been there, done that!
- We keep our finances separate.
- We maintain independence and autonomy.
- We share many core values, but are two very different people with different interests, so while we do some things together, we have no problem traveling solo or supporting each other’s endeavors.
- The time we spend together is quality time. We carve out date nights and little adventures. Novelty is exciting!
- We realize that a healthy relationship is give and give. I’ll never forget how he took care of me during my times of need, and I’m always thinking of ways to reciprocate.
- We do relationship check-ins as needed.
- We allow each other freedom to be romantic and sexual with other people. Every time we experience another person’s energy, it gives us a libido boost.
So, basically, we’ve rejected all the typical trappings of a long term relationship that can cause stress and resentment to build. People used to ask us, “When are you getting serious?”
Maybe I should have replied, “When are you getting playful?”
It’s much more fun to think – and play – outside the cage!
By Kendra Holliday | January 27, 2018
So many men are sick from toxic masculinity in our society. They have to be very manly, which involves taking care of business, being in charge, hiding feelings, and burying their feminine side.
They crave a place where they can surrender to a strong woman and be awash in female energy and power exchange.
Here’s a Dan Savage podcast where a man wants to know how to get his vanilla wife to like domming and pegging him. Go to the 8:35 mark and listen.
Dan points out that for some women, this can feel more like work than fun, so he suggests backing things up. For a woman not used to being sexually dominant, a good place for her to start is to think about what she wants right now and demanding it.
But what if what she wants right now is a cup of tea? Will that disappoint her partner? Will taking small steps like this lead them to a place where they both feel fulfillment?
I get a lot of men who tell me, “I want to please you.”
But then, when I tell them what I want, they steer things back to what THEY have in mind.
If you want me to peg you, piss on you, sit on your face, objectify you, humiliate you, that’s totally fine! You’re hiring me to perform a service, and I am happy to oblige. I have so much fun being creative sexually!
But don’t get it twisted. Are you doing this for you, or are you doing this for me?
Prepping for a session takes work, so not only are you paying for the time we are mentally and physically engaged, but you are paying for the hour before and after. I have to dress up in uncomfortable lingerie and heels and get into the right head space. I have to clean up afterward.
If you REALLY want to please me, here are some ideas:
By Kendra Holliday | January 27, 2018
This is a guest post by an older man who was raised traditional and conservative in a small town, but learned of the sex-positive community and discovered a different way of seeing things…
The “Me Too” era has exposed the callous acts of a privileged and entitled, male-dominated society in their suppression of women’s rights, equality, and, let’s face it, an attitude that women exist merely to SERVE men as those men see fit.
This does not indict ALL men, but there are vast number of men in our society that just do not GET IT.
Responsible men of this world should be the first to be in line to call it out as being WRONG.
At the same time, the “Me Too” movement is encouraging women to stand up, speak out, and be heard and not let the dominant and controlling men of this world get to operate in the hushed, wink and a nod, environment protected by each other simply because they exert economic and career power over women be it in the household, business, or academic settings; Nor let the powerful silence women by Non-Disclosure Settlements.
Axioms of Man —
While starting with Women, I realize how universal these axioms are to all other life. I hold women in a special and sacred place in my heart.
I realize that I have no inherent entitlement to the attention of a woman, man or other human or even animal or plant beings on this planet.
Women do not exist to serve men. They are unique, sacred beings in their own right, with their own rights.
Marriage does not bind a woman to blindly obey her husband nor create his ownership of her. That is a myth perpetrated by patriarchs including religious zealots.
Sacred female energy is a gift, as is sacred male energy, to be lovingly shared without expectation of a return. When we eliminate expectations, the rest takes care of itself in ways you would not even have thought possible.
Giving and offering gifts free from expectations is a freedom of expression in love.
Love to our fellow brothers and sisters is why we exist as a human race and is what sets us apart as humans. Anything less than showing love means we are being less of a human.
Showing love to another being is a combination of showing respect, honor, deference, empathy, care, compassion, passion, intimacy in thought, deed, and words, understanding, and self-control of less than loving attitudes, thoughts and actions. Self-control often needs to be consciously practiced with intention.
We humans are intricately complex beings capable of interpreting or reinterpreting our basis of existence in how we identify ourselves within the larger context of our world. Showing love means being accepting, supportive, and encouraging to others who may be considering or who have concluded that natural gender assignment my not be correct for themselves and chose to live differently than we might expect.
Love is all powerful. As humans we have the ability to love and show our love to many beings and in the energy of the Universe, this love is felt whether we consciously realize it or not. Oft the energy of love is returned to us as is the reverse when we do not show love. Love opens up many new avenues of energy which provides the opportunity for unlimited fulfillment both in this world and the world of energy beyond.
Showing unconditional, non-judgmental, acceptance, and honest love to all beings of our world is our mission to make our world a better place.
By Kendra Holliday | January 18, 2018
My friend has been 30+ days sober, and he’s been drinking a lot of tea. So have I!
So he asked if I wanted to join him for tea at the London Tea Room sometime, and I said YES, I would love to, but how about if he came over to my place for tea, and I would serve him tea topless?
He said he has never had tea served that way before, and thought it was a grand idea!
I figured this would be a good precursor to my London trip in March. 😉
When he came over, I greeted him at the door wearing this:
(Spoiler alert: he did not cover me with his cum. He covered himself with his cum. With my help.)
I took off the shirt to reveal this cute lingerie
By Kendra Holliday | January 13, 2018
Listen to him explain why it is a bad idea to:
- Send unsolicited cock shots
David is a local sex educator and one of the co-founders of Sex Positive St Louis, a not-for-profit organization we founded in 2010 in order to create safe spaces for people to explore their sexuality in a positive, constructive, shame-free zone. There should be an org like this in EVERY city!
We usually host about four events a month, and I have a few in the queue to create. Stay tuned for talks on asexuality, dating, and polyamory! Check our calendar for updates.
By Kendra Holliday | January 10, 2018
|Like an ocean, love can be
expansive and fluid
Ed Note: This article was orginally published in July 2011 on BlogHer.
My partner and I have the perfect relationship. For us, anyway. We’ve been together for ten years. We’re not married, but are in a long-term relationship. We do not live together, preferring to keep our households, finances, and families separate. Autonomy suits us well.
To top it all off, we are polyamorous; meaning, our relationship is open, allowing us to experience intimate relationships with other people, such as dating, loving, and exploring sexually. Sometimes we do it together; other times, separately.
Sorry for bragging, but…
We don’t fight. We have amazing chemistry and enjoy an incredibly satisfying sex life. We have matching libidos and desire. We can’t get enough of each other. Our relationship is based on mutual worship and respect, and our number one rule when it comes to dating other people is they need to respect both of us.
Before I knew of polyamory, I thought I was defective and unfit to be in a relationship. After years of disappointing my partners, a series of men who enjoyed playing with the girlfriends I brought home, but freaked at the mere mention of another “sausage in the room,” I resigned myself to remaining single.
Then I met Matthew, who was recently divorced from his wife of ten years. What started out as a happy, traditional monogamous union with Matthew left his wife stifled and miserable. Determined not to repeat those same mistakes again, he took a leap and partnered with me, a renegade female who was in charge of her sexuality and knew what she wanted.
Honoring my atypical outlook on life, Matthew told me he would not hold me to a standard he was not willing to hold himself. So here we are four years later: a polyamorous couple in a sea of monogamy.
Our nation is one of serial monogamy. Polyamory applies the same concept of loving more than one person in a lifetime, the only difference being that these relationships overlap in the case of polyamory, because life is too short.
By Kendra Holliday | January 9, 2018
Here we go again. I thought all my friends, lovers and clients knew, but since I just got ANOTHER ONE… 😫
I do NOT like receiving unsolicited cock shots.
I don’t care if I’m a sex worker.
I don’t care if you got carried away.
I don’t care if I’ve played with your cock.
I don’t care if I’ve had it in my mouth.
I don’t care if you are someone I’ve been fucking with for years, or are brand new and exciting.
I don’t care if you are Barack Obama. (Note: My point is, he would NEVER do that. Anthony Weiner, however, WOULD.)
If you send me a cock shot, it’s like a slap in the face, an instant turn off, and an online assault, and I will fine you $50 and demand an apology if you ever want to interact with me again.
It’s all about comfort and context, people.
I challenge you to comment if you’ve never sent a cock shot, or wish to publicly apologize for sending a cock shot. Or feel completely justified in sending a cock shot.
So, without further ado…
Wanna know the quickest way NOT to get under my skirt?
Think dealbreaker, hard limit, red flag, turn OFF.
OK, besides wearing ugly footwear or torturing small mammals.
Send me an unsolicited cock shot.
Is this what men imagine their cock shot looks like?
Guys. Here is what it really looks like:
By Kendra Holliday | December 30, 2017
One year on Twitter, I listed one of my fetishes every day.
Fetish: something that sexually charms you.
I went back and looked at the list and was turned on and amused!
Here is the list in its entirety – I replaced about ten of them. If I’ve featured one in a post, I will link it to that post.
Mmmm, I want them ALL! Do any themes jump out at you? It’s clear I’m into hair, booze, and incest!
What about you – how many things turn YOU on?
1. Hairy chest
2. Steel handcuffs
3. Having my lingerie ripped (panties, stockings, fishnets)
7. Redheaded women
8. Pre-1968 Elvis
9. Reaction cologne
11. Sleeping Beauty
13. Feeling hard cock through jeans/pants
14. Incest Fantasies
18. My man’s cum inside my pussy
20. Japanese Gardens
22. Bruce Springsteen
24. Bubble baths
25. Magic Wand
28. Arched doorways
29. A REAL beard
30. Mood lighting
33. Long skirts
35. Victorian Homes
37. Hairy underarms
41. Classical music
43. V-Safe Men
45. Period films
By Kendra Holliday | December 29, 2017
I’ve had the book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies on my shelf for a long time. It tempted me with its mysterious title and sexy cover (I LOVE oysters, and I LOVE my pearl, if you know what I mean).
Well, I finally dusted it off and read it, and it blew my mind, and I’ve been recommending it to people left and right ever since.
Here’s an intro concept from it that should provoke your thoughts:
“There’s a joke that says that when two people have sex, there are six people in bed: the two lovers and the parents of each of them.”
Is that creepy, true, or both? I hope you’re imagining group sex with your parents right now.
A sampling of the MANY interesting points brought up in this book:
– “Sexual excitement requires that we momentarily become selfish. There needs to be a tension between selfishness and caring, between using and pleasing your partner.”
Do you know what this means? Sometimes, when it comes to sex, you need to be ruthless. You need to let go and stop worrying so much about every little move and just focus on the pleasure. YOUR pleasure.
– The difference between guilt and shame: “Guilt involves beliefs that we are hurting others, while shame involves beliefs that we’re exposed and unworthy in the eyes of others.”
– “When people are aggressive or cruel in their sexual daydreams or practices, it is not because they are primarily sadistic but because they are trying to solve a problem.”
– Have you ever known a woman who is really bitchy toward her male partner? He’s such a nice guy, he tries so hard to cater to her wants and needs, yet she treats him like an annoying puppy? This book explains the reason behind that lopsided dynamic.
– Survivor guilt and unconscious parental jealousy is behind a lot of the issues we face with our parents. Have you ever wondered why someone would start drinking heavily when they became successful in their field? Or why some parents sabotage their kids and excessively criticize instead of support them in their endeavors? This book goes into the details behind those perplexing behaviors, and much more.
By Kendra Holliday | December 23, 2017
After our spontaneous threesome the other night, I was SO eager for the three of us to get together again! I’m so greedy! I want more more MORE!
Lana came over, and we sat on the back porch and talked over cocktails, relaxing and catching up.
After a while, he asked her if she was down to play that night, and she said yes!
I love her hazel eyes, her bountiful hair, and pert nose. I’m a sucker for pert noses! She has such animated facial expressions, and tells such funny stories. I love her mannerisms. Very mischievous eyes. Also, she has an extremely smooth butt. It’s like really cute butter.
This time, he drew a bubble bath for two! We both easily fit in the tub. He gave us our girl time to sit and talk. He checked in on us, brought us drinks, it was wonderful!
Then we sat on the couch for a while to cool down, the two of us naked with towels.
He led us up to the bedroom, which was bathed in the golden glow of a small, bedside lamp. The king-size bed was adorned with chocolate brown sheets. Mood music played softly in the background.
By Kendra Holliday | December 22, 2017
Continued from previous post…
We arrived at Hustler’s Taboo night.
Thankfully, we were mature enough not to let anything interfere with our great evening, which is a good thing, because it got better every second…
Taboo was crowded and full of activity. They have quite a bit of equipment – a rope suspension section, couches, spanking benches, St. Andrews Crosses. All were in use, but soon a spanking bench opened up, and we seized it.
I went first so she could watch and get used to the energy of the place. She had some BDSM experience, but nothing public.
I eagerly bent over the bench. I was wearing a sexy little business top and skirt. The skirt hem was asymmetrical, so when I walked or bent over, you could see where my lace stockings met my pale thighs.
He worked me over, grabbing my hair, spanking me, lavishing me with good, hard attention.
I got hot and ripped off my top and bra. Lana glanced around surprised. They allow nudity here!
It was so stimulating and exhilarating! I kept laughing and giggling.
He pinned my arms behind my back and instructed Lana to tend to my top as he tended to my bottom. This guy parked himself right in front of me and stared hard. Not a problem, but he was a little too close for our comfort, so Lana stood at my head, providing a barrier between us. I’m sure he didn’t mind her ass in his face.
We were buzzed and happy.
Next, it was her turn. She had been smacked on the ass during sex, but never had a spanking like this.
By Matthew | December 22, 2017
Ed Note: Here is Matthew’s perspective of the sexy story I posted earlier this week! Another first date success story from the pages of polyamory…
Having been acquainted with this woman for almost a decade, I was happy she contacted me after her recent relationship ended. Here’s how it transpired….
“I need your help,” she blurted.
Aside from seeing her a couple times out and about, that’s the first message I received from her in more than year. I wasn’t quite sure if she needed help moving, or help with her taxes, or maybe some direct pressure on a wound?!
“Okay, but I’m gonna need more details here,” I replied.
“I need someone…”
“Go on,” I encouraged.
“Okay…I need a fuck buddy. Does that even exist? Is that weird?”
“Now we’re getting somewhere. Yes, it exists, and it is absolutely NOT weird!”
The conversation went on from there with me reassuring her that everything she wanted was totally acceptable. I asked her if she had a preference as far as type of person. Male? Female? Brown, white, yellow, big, small, old, young?
“No. I’m really not picky. I just want someone to hang out with, experience some culture, have some drinks, and have sex with no guilt, no drama and no real expectations. Knowing you….I figured you might know where to look.”
To which I replied, “Sounds perfect. How about I start with looking in the mirror?”
“I’m totally interested!” she exclaimed.
Yes!! I’ve always been attracted to her, and received great feedback from her to my flirtatious cues in the past. Now, the timing was finally right. She was well aware of my relationship status, yet still contacted me. That is a major factor in my choosing to see women for anything more than a platonic connection.
By Kendra Holliday | December 20, 2017
I’ve reached my ideal relationship goal.
At the beginning of our relationship, when my partner Matthew would go on a date, I would lie in bed, heart pounding, unable to sleep until he called me when the date was over. I would imagine all kinds of scenarios, some hot, some scary, and would anxiously hold my breath as he recounted details of the date. As the story would flesh out, I would cautiously relax, but still be slightly wary.
Time and again, after each of these encounters, he would make me feel special and secure in our relationship. I also grew accustomed to the strange sensations.
Nowadays, I can sleep fine when he’s out on a date. I don’t have to be on a date myself, I can be doing my own thing, hanging with my daughter or a friend, or enjoying some alone time. This is a big accomplishment!
Whenever I start to feel jealousy or possessiveness creep in, I remind myself that my partner is not an object. I can’t put him in a closet when I’m not with him. He deserves as much happiness and exploration as I desire for myself.
Here is an example.
Last weekend, I took my daughter on a retreat four hours north of St. Louis. We spent the time frolicking in a tiny village, creating art, making music and friends.
Meanwhile, Matthew had a date scheduled with a new woman, someone we both knew. She was in transition and wanted to find out what polyamory was all about. She approached us about it, asking how it all works. She came to the right people.
With her last boyfriend, she told him she was okay with him being with other women, as long as he let her know about it. Unfortunately, he couldn’t handle being truthful and cheated on her, despite her generous offer!
She knew she deserved better than that, so she decided to make the most of her fresh start.
They had their date. It went from 6pm until 10am that morning – EPIC!
By Kendra Holliday | December 10, 2017
We all experience trauma at some point in our lives.
Our reactions can be
and I propose a fourth –
Freak the Fuck OUT
When I feel threatened, I don’t usually fight. I usually run away or freeze. But I find that when I allow myself to FREAK THE FUCK OUT, I can recover more successfully.
For instance, if someone gets in a car accident and is in shock and gets rushed to the hospital, the medical staff will sedate the patient, which is numbing. The patient is not allowed to work through the trauma – it gets stuck.
I think when something bad happens to you, you should be allowed to freak the fuck out, or wallow in grief for a while. But then you have to make a conscious effort to Move Forward.
Being happy and healthy requires resilience.
A victim is someone who allows their past to dictate their current actions.
A survivor is someone who uses their past as a stepping stone to being stronger.
This mentality reminds me of addiction. As I’ve struggled this year with my drinking, I’ve studied many teachings, including Alcoholics Anonymous, and Moderation Management.
I was going down the AA path because I felt helpless and out of control – like a child. AA corroborated with that, espousing that alcoholics are powerless against alcohol. You have to surrender and give yourself up to a Higher Power in order to find your salvation.
I bought into that until I started reading the book Responsible Drinking. It offered a practical, shame free approach to a healthy relationship with alcohol. The part that shifted my entire lens is when they talked about the power of belief.
It’s not easy to change our beliefs and the habits that have evolved over many years. First we need that inkling. An inkling that all is NOT as it should be. Work your way through “I want to change” to “I can change” to “I’m changing now.”
I gave myself permission to be empowered. I leveled up in my personal growth process. It feels good.
Another thing I’ve taught myself is processing negative experiences quickly.
I think blogging and putting myself out there helped with this.
Years ago, if I got a nasty comment on my blog, it would sting, and it would haunt me all day.
Over time, I got used to it, and was able to process it quicker. So all day turned into all morning, then a couple hours, then an hour… nowadays, I still feel the sting, but I can move past it in about 15 minutes. That’s SO much more efficient!
Facing shame is also healthy. Anytime I have an experience and think, “I don’t want anyone to know about that!” I realize that I need to blog about it so that EVERYONE knows about it. Bringing it to the surface is so much healthier for me than burying it.
Like everyone else, I feel shame, but I process it faster than most people, I think.
I can be tender, but I have pretty thick skin!
My friend commented, “You don’t SEEM like you have thick skin. You’re soft and tender with people. I know you are tough like whoa, but I love that you aren’t hard on people. It’s a gift.”
Another superpower is being forgiving. Forgiveness lightens your emotional baggage load. So often, our parents intentionally and unintentionally hurt us when we are children. Those experiences shape us as adults. Forgiving them of their flaws and mistakes is a huge gift to everyone involved.
Paul Gilmartin of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast always says, “All feelings are valid, there are just healthy and unhealthy ways of expressing it.”
Don’t bury or suppress your feelings. Find safe spaces to bring them to light and address all the fascinating layers that make you the person you are.
By Kendra Holliday | December 5, 2017
One of my goals is to get out of St Louis once a month for a change of scenery.
In 2017, I went to Iceland, New York, Kansas City, Indiana, Virginia, Rhode Island, Florida – and I even went crazy a few times! I’m so glad I finally got my mid-life crisis under control, PHEW!
Next up on my itinerary is a National Sex Ed Conference in New Jersey Dec 5-10 – I get to see Dr Ruth and Dr Elders in real life!
2018 is shaping up nicely – for our 10th cabinversary, we’re trying out a new cabin! It doesn’t have a hot tub, but it does have a wood burning fireplace, which is KEY.
I’ll be hitting KC again in Feb, and in March I’ll be presenting at Eroticon in LONDON!
It’s great timing, because the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2017 was just announced, and I’m #9 on the list!
My presentation is called Shocking the System: When Your True Life Tales Cross the Line.
By the time I’m finished telling my tales, people will either love me or hate me!