By Kendra Holliday | May 15, 2018
The other day one of my friends on facebook posted:
This question is for the ladies…. would you rather men look at you and say, “your cute”, “your sexy”, or “your beautiful”?
First of all, let’s get this part out of the way.
Over 40 women responded, including me.
Interestingly, the word “beautiful” won by a landslide.
I jumped in right away, declaring, “Sexy hands down. Reverse it: when you look at a man, do you want him to be sexy, cute, or handsome?”
No one had interest in being cute. We were all in our 30’s and 40’s, after all. Cute is for kids and kittens.
As more comments came in, it became clear that in our society, the word “sexy” has negative, superficial connotations.
This was news to me!
I always go around telling people, “I don’t care what my partners look like, as long as they are SEXY.”
To me, sexy comes from personality and confidence. Looking like a fashion model does not make me want to hump someone, but if they are sexy, I want to gobble them up.
Some opined that if a person was beautiful, that automatically made them sexy. I disagree.
In fact, I stated: “Being sexy is about personality and confidence, which comes from within. Not everyone can be beautiful by society’s unrealistic standards, but EVERYONE can be sexy and REAL if they get in touch with their desires.”
Then I realized the name of my blog.
It’s called The Beautiful Kind, not The Sexy Kind.
Should I change it?!
Ha, just kidding about that.
I got the name from my daughter, who came up with it when she was six. And for the record, she was super cute.
By Kendra Holliday | May 13, 2018
To Catch a Creeper –
I’ve been very good friends with Cap’n Marrrk and his wife ever since I met him online five years ago. At first we were email pals, but then I had an emergency – I had to vacate the guy I was living with’s house immediately and was homeless. I put a plea out, and Mark showed up to help. We’ve been fast friends ever since.
Here is what he has to say about reaching out to women online.
“I read Melissa’s article in XO Jane etitled ‘Please Don’t Send me a Picture of your Weiner and No, I Don’t Want to Meet Up’ and it got me thinking several unpleasant truths about myself that have been swirling around my head for the last few days.
To wit: Am I a ‘Creeper?’
The term has been turning up a lot in one of my social circles, and while it’s been vaguely defined by people I know, as in ‘X is kind of a Creeper’, no one has sat down and defined it. You just know one when you see one.
I looked it up on Urban Dictionary and got, ‘someone who uses facebook but is looking at other people’s profiles, going through their pictures, their statuses, their wall posts, their picture comments, subscribed to random people, their pages, liking comments on statuses from other people, It’s a lot like stalking but on more than one person!’
But I think it goes further than that, to actual contact with said person. So it’s not just adding them as friends, but actually communicating with that person.
Am I a Creeper? The unpleasant truth is, Yeah, I think I am.
By Kendra Holliday | May 3, 2018
Girls wanna get down, too!
90% of men who crave female energy love the idea of being in bed with two women at once (the other 10% think it would be too much work).
An MFF (Male-Female-Female) Threesome, or King menage a trois, can be, depending on who you are with, HOTTER than you ever imagined, or bad sex x2.
But the key to making your threesome fantasy a reality is not finding the right women – it’s having the right mindset.
Most everyone thinks about threesomes, but without being open-minded and available to a person who is equally open-minded, those sorts of fantasies will never materialize.
Let me share my own personal experience on the matter. I dated a man, and after a few months of being together, I confessed to him that I was bisexual and thought it would be hot to share him with another woman.
This sparked a fervant quest to make a threesome happen. We joined dating sites, chatted women up online, all to no avail. Just because we wanted to have a threesome didn’t mean random women wanted the same thing.
Then things got interesting when I approached him with my second confession: I liked the idea of being with other men, too.
This dumped a bucket of ice water on his sex drive. We almost broke up over it! Here I was, open to the thought of him being with other women – dating other women, playing with my girlfriends – but the thought of me being with another man was a dealbreaker? Buzzkill!
During one late night tense discussion over it, he declared, “I will never be comfortable with the thought of you with another man.”
By Kendra Holliday | April 21, 2018
This is a follow-up to the wonderful guest post I shared the other day from a woman new to polyamory struggling with her illogical, runaway emotions.
I’ve been there. See?
Things you should know when you’re new to polyamory:
It gets better.
Every person experimenting with poly who has contacted me in the middle of their biggest freakout reports back to me a week or two later that things are much better, and that the experience has brought them closer to their partner or others. That’s what polyamory is all about – connecting with others in ways that feel right to YOU.
The rigid rules of traditional society don’t work for a lot of people. It takes courage to try a different path. You may feel like your friends don’t understand, and afraid of what your family might think.
REPLACE THE FEAR WITH LOVE.
Imagine how Lewis and Clark felt as they blindly navigated their way out West. They forged the way for others, and now, we have San Francisco. OK, now imagine Lewis and Clark at Folsom Street Fair…
TANGENT! (sorry, back on topic)
Sometimes – but not always – you’re not partnered with the right people. Just like other relationships (monogamy, work, family), the problem might be the dynamic. Don’t be so quick to blame polyamory OR yourself.
I feel like a poly pro, but I’ve been doing it for 10 years. Think about where you will be in 10 years. As for me, 10 years ago I was a nervous wreck; whether I was driving to dates or staying home while my partner was out with someone else, my stomach was in knots – NOT a very sexy feeling.
Advice from a woman who’s been doing it for more than three years and used to have jealous freakouts galore:
“My biggest advice would be this. Don’t ever try to feel NOT jealous. Feel it. Feel it deeply and express it. And then understand that your jealousy is not a call for your partner to change their behavior. One of the men I am dating never gets jealous, so I spent a lot of time hiding my own feelings from him in our early days. Another man I’m dating gets more jealous than me, but has learned to deal. I still get jealous, but it comes and then quickly leaves.”
By Kendra Holliday | April 12, 2018
The other day a friend asked me, “As a sex worker, do you require married clients to have consent from their wives to see you?”
I replied, “Ha, no.”
You see, most of my clients are married men.
I practice ethical non-monogamy, but what they do is on them.
When they come to see me, I provide them with options, and then they can decide what is best for their situation. (See Dan Savage’s take on how cheating can be the lesser of two evils.)
Most of the married men I see LOVE their wives and feel intense loyalty and desire and want to remain married to them,
their wife has cut them off sex. 🙁
Oftentimes, the woman has two kids, fulfills her biological imperative, is battered by religious and social norms, hits menopause, and shuts sex down and assumes, due to lack of communication, that her unilateral decision is to be imposed on her husband, too.
Resentment builds on both sides.
Due to higher levels of testosterone, most men wake up horny and walk around horny all day, and if they don’t scratch that itch, they go to sleep frustrated and horny, whereas most women need an erotic prompt to get horny, and the way men attempt to activate a woman is….not always effective. In fact, it can create the opposite effect and repel the woman.
On top of that, women won’t get naked in front of their partners because of body image issues. And they resist cuddling or touching, because that might lead to UGH sex, which is more like a chore than a reward.
It’s hard to be intimate when you cut off physical and emotional contact.
Sure men hire sex workers because they want to get blowjobs and fuck and cum,
ultimately, they want to bask in female energy and be accepted.
Female energy is PRICELESS.
It’s a sad, trapped cage we find ourselves in.
The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire
By Kendra Holliday | April 9, 2018
The book King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine explores the archetypes of the mature masculine. Men who act out, have temper tantrums or are violent – jerks, bullies, know-it-alls and thugs – haven’t reached their full potential.
Men aren’t allowed to fully mature in our society. There is no rite of passage. The spoiled little princes of the world have work to do if they aspire to be superior men – if they want to be King.
So how do you become King? Here is the book that perfectly mirrors our relationship dynamic: The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. I underlined the shit out of this book. There’s no way I can feature all the awesome points, so please get a copy for yourself if you’re interested in tapping in to what makes our relationship so explosively orgasmic and fulfilling.
My partner Matthew hasn’t read the book, but that’s ok – he’s living it.
Here’s the premise. In order to have a passionate relationship with someone, you need to adopt a feminine and masculine contrast. It doesn’t matter who possesses the masculine or feminine – you can be a masculine female/feminine male couple, or a masculine female/feminine female couple, etc. The author maintains that 80% of people lean one way or the other – they either want to be ravished or do the ravishing.
For the most part, Matthew does the ravishing and I greatly enjoy it, I soak it up like a slutty sponge. But every once in a while, we’ll turn the tables and I’ll ravish HIM, which is just as fun and exciting. If neither of us assumed the ravishing mode, things would be more even keel. And boring.
That’s what happens in so many relationships – after the thrill of new relationship energy dies down, we get lazy and slip out of Lover role and become Managers, Caregivers, and Roommates. Then we take our partner for granted and lose respect for them and the sex turns lukewarm and resentment sets in.
So many men complain to me about how their wife doesn’t want to have sex with them, which makes him feel hurt and rejected. The reason the wife is cold to him is because she doesn’t respect him. The reason she doesn’t respect him is because he has let her down.
David acknowledges that most men want to have sex with other women, even if they are in a sexually fulfilling relationship. He advises, “If you want to be with other women, make sure you are taking care of the woman you have.”
Check his stuff out on YouTube – here is an example:
This is one of the books I recommend most. Click here to view my list of Top Sex-Positive Recommendations.
Bonus link: The Art of Manliness
By Kendra Holliday | April 6, 2018
Ed Note: I’ve had many woman exploring polyamory contact me lately expressing their gut-wrenching emotions surrounding sharing their partner. I asked one permission to share her story with others, as it will no doubt comfort those going through the same thing.
I started reading about polyamory a couple of years ago. It started out of curiosity, but on the backdrop of “Oh, I could never do that.”
As that backdrop fell away, I found that this kind of lifestyle made more and more sense to me. I’d never had a long term relationship, and the idea of appreciating connections on all levels really appealed to me.
I decided to try it out. I joined OKCupid, and I went on dates with a couple of guys who were in open marriages…nothing really panned out there. Then I exchanged messages with someone who was smart, interesting, and poly.
On our first date (in a coffee shop), we ended up talking for over two hours. We hit it off immediately, plus I found him incredibly attractive. There was a point in the date where we both looked at each other and seemed to both think, “This is going really well!”
We started seeing each other regularly. The sex was (is) mind-blowing. So was (is) our mental connection. Slowly and organically we realized: holy fuck, we’re in love.
We became a “couple”. We aren’t out as non-monogamous to many people. Some of my friends know–they’ve known I identified as non-mono even before I met him–but discussing my relationship with my mono friends has proved…troubling. I have tried to cultivate more poly friends as resources, and the online communities have certainly been helpful.
He has had a lot more experience with polyamory than I have. As I grew closer with him, I started getting nervous because…he was still going out on dates and I didn’t want to. He was still having sex with play partners from his past, while I found myself turned off to my previous play partners. Sex with an intense emotional connection was the only kind of sex I craved, and these previous partners and I did not have that.
By Kendra Holliday | March 27, 2018
This list is lovingly dedicated to everyone who pshaws at vanilla sex.
1. fuck someone who is actively bleeding, OR earning your tasty Red Wings
2. fuck in a coffin or a church
3. genital torture using a starving hamster
4. pegging with a peg leg
5. extreme anal penetration with something found in the kitchen
6. watersports in a water park (ha ha, too bad, everyone else!)
7. fucking someone you have rendered unconscious
8. knifeplay at a sushi bar
9. sucking a dirty dick (where has it been?!)
10. take down abduction scene at Wal-Mart
11. taste cum, preferably on a muffin
12. putting a stick of huckleberry incense in your ass and lighting it until your ass hairs singe
13. masturbating to a photo of your parent
14. putting a fork, spoon, and knife in your orifices simultaneously
15. face sat upon by someone naked and unwashed until you can’t breathe for two minutes
16. shave entire body
17. sucking the horn of a poached rhinoceros after it’s been shoved up Rush Limbaugh’s ass
18. fisting with Paul Bunyan
19. sex on horseback (with the horse)
20. being fucked by someone you never see, preferably because you are half buried in dirt
21. figging using an entire bottle of ginger liqueur
22. double penetration (eyeballs and earholes count)
23. sounding using the chopsticks from a racist Vietnamese restaurant (more…)
By Kendra Holliday | March 25, 2018
I asked readers to suggest sex acts that everyone should try at least once. Now, this list may not be as kinky as you might expect. That’s because I chose to focus on sensualism and intimacy over fear factor stuff.
So, you’ll find a lot of creative vanilla acts, but things like genital torture? Not so much. I was also able to consolidate a lot of things into one entry, such as anal play for rimming, receiving, pegging, etc. This gives you more flexibility when planning out your sex menu.
Thank you to everyone who contributed to this list. Please comment on how many of these things you have done, and what stands out as something you’d like to try soon!
2. mutual masturbation
3. sexual encounter with person of a different gender
4. same sex encounter
5. male-female-male threesome
6. male-female-female threesome
8. using a condom during sex
9. using another form of birth control
10. getting/giving spanking
11. phone sex
13. writing/drawing on your partner
14. combine food and sex in some way
15. sex while being restrained in some way
16. one night stand
18. orgasm three times in one night
19. morning sex
21. afternoon sex
22. middle of the night sex
23. have sex while wearing a costume
24. cross dress
25. give oral sex
26. receive oral sex
27. have sex with a friend
28. wait a long time to have sex with someone you’ve been crushing on
29. get a full body massage (more…)
By Kendra Holliday | March 4, 2018
The following is a list of links that relate to my slideshow presentation Shocking the System: When Your True Life Tales Cross the Line. The presentation was given March 3, 2018 at Shameless Grounds in St Louis, MO, and on March 18 in London at Eroticon.
This list is curated from the more than 600 posts currently published on this blog.
http://thebeautifulkind.com/my-life-milestones/ – quick life review
http://thebeautifulkind.com/fisting-demo-june-13/ – a post featuring friends
http://thebeautifulkind.com/happy-fisting-day/ – another friend post
http://thebeautifulkind.com/rooting-for-owen/ – a post featuring a client
http://thebeautifulkind.com/category/parenting/ posts about parenting
http://thebeautifulkind.com/my-dads-new-penis/ my dad’s penile implant
http://thebeautifulkind.com/a-gun-to-my-head/ gun debacle
http://thebeautifulkind.com/bra-shopping-with-fifi/ Fifi’s Cum Fiesta
https://www.inc.com/news/articles/2010/05/nonprofit-fires-woman-for-blogging-about-sex.html article about being fired
https://www.youtube.com/user/TheBeautifulKind my YouTube channel
http://thebeautifulkind.com/robbing-the-graveyard/ 90 yr old man
http://thebeautifulkind.com/losing-a-client/ Death of Client
By Kendra Holliday | March 2, 2018
Babysitter. When I was 12-16 years old, I babysat a lot. I wasn’t very good at it. Looking back, I feel bad for the parents who trusted me with their homes and children. Sometimes they hired me so they could go on dates, but sometimes they had to work or go to school. I was oblivious to their grind. Some were rich, but some struggled. It was sad seeing them divorce. Nothing bad ever happened on my watch, but I did snoop around their house, eat their food, and made sure the kids followed the rules. As soon as they fell asleep, I would watch Cinemax softcore porn and get all tingly. One thing I did NOT do is steal, and one of the moms accused me of stealing from her kid’s piggy bank! I ran into her ten years later and was able to confront her. It still hurt after all those years. She apologized and told me it was a different babysitter – she just assumed it was me because I was younger. It was good getting closure with her.
Telemarketer. As soon as I turned 16, I got a job selling magazine subscriptions over the phone, facing a wall in a room full of cubicles. It was HELL being a clueless teenager and cold calling people, trying to make them buy something they didn’t need, and getting rejected, hung up on, cussed out. I only lasted a day. I remember thinking, “This is what having a job is like? It SUCKS!”
Salad Bar Attendant at grocery store. A week later, I got a job at a grocery store near my parent’s house, working in the salad bar. I’d sometimes go to school until 3pm, then work at the salad bar from 4-10pm. Sometimes I’d have a Sat or Sun shift that went from 530am-3pm. I wore a polyester uniform and stood in the cold back room for hours, chopping romaine lettuce, pineapples, rinsing slimy kidney beans…I worked there until I was 18, and was glad to be transferred to the bakery where things were warmer, smelled better, and there were cupcakes. During this time, I was an unethical slut and fucking around – one time my jealous boyfriend visited me on my lunch break. He put his hand on my thigh and felt the garter belt and stocking I had on under my polyester pants. BUSTED. I remember the angry flash in his eye, and how my heart raced. I lied to him that I was wearing them to keep warm, when in reality I totally had plans to cheat on him after I clocked out.
Hotel front desk clerk. When I got kicked out of my parent’s house at 18, I was homeless, so after crashing with friends for a while, I found a crappy shotgun house right on Highway 44 with an awful roommate. I didn’t have a car, so I found a job within walking distance – that hotel at Hampton and 44. It used to be a Howard Johnson. I thought it was rather glamorous – I got to work with the pretty ladies. We had one suicide while I was there – he checked in, but he never checked out. I dated the maintenance man who resembled Bruce Springsteen, but it was bad – his penis was damaged from being circumcised later in life after a foreskin injury. The management favored my co-worker who would leave me to watch the desk while she did drug deals in vacant rooms, so I got frustrated and saved money as best I could in order to buy a car.
By Kendra Holliday | March 1, 2018
Remember this RFT article that shocked the local community eight years ago? Take a moment to skim it, then let’s replace all the sex references with more innocuous FOOD references and see how it reads.
Not as shocking, ey? Why is that?
Special thanks to Ms. Melissa Meinzer and The Riverfront Times for permission to revise the article for conservative consumption.
SFW: The St. Louis mom behind food blog The Baking Kind is outing herself
Kendra Holliday is a total chef. Go right ahead and say it — she does. She’s not hiding from it anymore.
In some ways, she’s always been honest about it. She’s unflinchingly blogged every detail of her baking life for years — she’s a talented, aproned, joyously partnered divorced mother, living and writing and baking (and yeah, it’s a lot of baking) in St. Louis.
Her blog, www.thebakingkind.com, details all of it. It has made her into a celebrity of sorts. It has cost her a job. She’s called it her second partner.
The blog has become a safe space for food-positive readers in St. Louis and all over the world to come together. It’s created a virtual community, and Holliday and some of her foodie friends want to take that momentum and push the Midwest forward into greater culinary freedom and openness.
And it’s hard to do that when you’re hiding. So Holliday is coming out.
Kendra Holliday is 38. She’s got the lithe glow of a long-time vegetarian.
She grew up outside Creve Coeur, in the house her parents still share with a dog and two cats. The house has photos of all five kids on the wall, alongside photos of nurse Mom and sailor Dad from the beginning of their 44 years of marriage.
In a lot of ways, Holliday’s early years were fairly conventional. She was a smart girl and in her school’s gifted program. Her siblings looked up to her then and still do now.
Order, togetherness and success are themes in her family’s history, just as much as the obvious love that its members share.
Holliday’s parents are happy to talk about her childhood, as they positively adore her. They recall entering her into a beauty contest in Texas when she was three and are still genuinely pleased that she won First Prize.
By Kendra Holliday | February 25, 2018
I had a wonderful consultation with a 77-year-old man named Owen (he gave me permission to share his story, changing details to protect his identity).
Owen looks like a sweet, happy Grandpa, and he is just that. But underneath the big smile, warm, bespectacled eyes, and button-down plaid shirt, he is a total pervert.
And he’s frustrated.
He’s been widowed for many years, and is attractive, fit, financially comfortable and in good health. He’s had fair luck dating (there are four women for every man his age, after all), but he can’t find a kinky 60-70-something woman to save his life.
Every woman he dates is a prude. They’ll tell him, “I won’t be intimate with you until we’ve dated for six months.”
Or, if he kisses their belly and starts moving south, they’ll stop him, exclaiming, “What are you doing? That’s disgusting!”
Or, they’ll agree to go on a romantic weekend getaway with him and then sleep on the couch.
“I want to cum inside a woman and lick it out!” he declared, “But they have me on pussy probation and won’t even let me kiss their tummy! Don’t they realize we’re not getting any younger?”
He went on to lament, “What happened to all those women I had orgies with when I was a hippie? These days I’m reduced to sitting around watching porn and jerking off. I wanna have FUN!”
Owen has certainly had his share of fun, and he sees no reason for that to stop. He has Viagra for backup and would love a steady diet of free-spirited intimacy.
By Kendra Holliday | February 23, 2018
I offer sex and relationship consulting, and I’m happy to say that I’ve been getting more women, LGBT folks, and couples these days. Historically, most of the people who have sought me out for my unique services have been men who crave female energy.
The Top 5 reasons why people contact me are, in this order:
1. He’s a married man in his 50’s or 60’s whose wife is not interested in sex (mismatched libido)
2. He/she/they have some sort of sexual issue they want to work through, such as inexperience, anxiety, or orgasm/penis problems (Erectile Dysfunction is a common complaint – it can get complex when you heap social conditioning and anxiety on top of the natural aging process.)
3. He/she/they are interested in branching out sexually, either because they are in transition, not getting laid, or curious about alternative lifestyle options (non-monogamy, BDSM, sex work, etc.)
4. He has a fetish and is ashamed/seeking an outlet
5. They want to meet me, and possibly rub me for good luck
My goal is to offer tools, connections, and non-traditional options so that the people seeking me out can reach their goal of becoming happier and healthier. My approach is unconventional, and I get referrals from licensed sex therapists. I’m pretty well connected and have a strong network. Sex is my specialty, which ties into work, family, personal – everything!
Here is a list of resources I most often recommend to my clients:
By Kendra Holliday | February 17, 2018
Ed Note: This post was written in 2009. It is the only post I have ever published that was untrue, in that I combined two scenes into one story – one involving rape fantasy in a parking garage, the other being gunplay in my home. Boy, did I learn my lesson with this one. Readers were OUTRAGED we would roleplay something so deadly in public…and it was the same day my partner’s ex discovered my blog. Yikes. I put him in a very compromising position. I’m reposting this as a reference to a slideshow presentation I’m giving in London next month. It’s called “Shocking the System: When Your True Life Tales Cross the Line. It will be previewed at Shameless Grounds on March 3, at 3pm. Come and see for yourself.
Matthew was using his dad’s vehicle for the week, which means he had access to a handgun and a gleaming, ostentatious SUV.
Just add Republican.
He’s forever challenging me, and this adventure was no exception. For the record, I am a hippie and vehemently opposed to guns and SUVs. I SUPER HATE guns. They scare the shit out of me.
After lunch, we walked back to the SUV that was parked in the dark, dingy parking garage. Lunch was like foreplay, I was SO ready to rock the truck. Plus, I hadn’t fucked in an SUV since 2007.
But of course Matthew had to add his own creative twist. He opened the passenger door for me like the gentleman he is, but then – surprise! – he leaned in and grabbed an *unloaded* handgun out from under the seat. He pointed it at my head and shoved me to my knees. WTF?!?! Heart pounding, I knelt on the dirty concrete as he pulled out his already hard cock and told me to suck it.
The cold metal pressed against my skull as he used my face. I looked up at him, wide eyed, completely freaked out. He looked down at me grimly. No one was around.
Then he pulled his cock out of my mouth and I clamped shut. He brought the gun to my lips.
I shook my head vigorously.
He grabbed me by the jaw and squeezed hard. “OPEN.” he hissed.