Um, Patriarchy? We Have a Problem

By Kendra Holliday | April 26, 2017

Heads up:

We are living in a society that’s being run by immature men.

We are regressing as a country.

We need to cultivate MATURE masculinity.

Zeus. God. Warrior. King.

Patriarchy is the fear of the feminine AND the mature masculine.

Feminism promotes the concept that women are equal to men, that women should not be held to a different (sub)standard. Most people think in terms of pay and ability, but feminism also encompasses human sexuality. See this article about how women want sex as much as men do, and how that dynamic flipped in our culture.

No wonder I have so many men coming to me begging for submissive experiences with a strong woman! Shit is SO out of whack, they need to go out of their way to carve out safe spaces for surrender and the worship of the sacred feminine.

This article by Doctor Nerdlove also addresses the problem of desire and gender disparity in our society and how it hurts ALL OF US. (He has more than 1000 articles on dating and relationships, by the way!)

Judy Singer, an Australian sociologist, was at a workshop that proposed the following exercise: Come up with a better set of Ten Commandments than God.

Her first one was, “Honor diversity.”

What would yours be?

I strongly recommend you read this essay on nudity and society if you ever feel powerless or overwhelmed at the site of a scantily clad woman.

An excerpt:

After encountering an attractive woman who greeted us at the door wearing little more than a half-open robe, I waited until we were well down the road before letting loose a tirade of anger and frustration. I told my companion that it really bothered me seeing so many women in various states of undress. It was hard to focus and I felt weak and powerless around them. How were we to be strong and stay faithful? I had prayed and fasted about it constantly, and felt little strength in return. And I began to despise many of the women I encountered for “making” me feel that way. I then turned my frustration on him, wondering how he could possibly be so calm and seemingly indifferent to it all. Was he just pretending? Maybe he was on the edge of sanity, barely holding it together, putting up a brave though false front.

It’s cultural, and it’s harmful.

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I Can Make Your Sexy Wish Come True!

By Kendra Holliday | April 11, 2017

I’ve had this “I Dream of Jeannie” outfit for a few years.

Pretty

I got it as a hand-me-down from a fancy woman who was downsizing her closet. It wasn’t my style at all (I hardly ever wear pants anymore!), but I loved how flowy and comfy it was – all sea foam green and billowing in the breeze.

I wore it with a white shirt to a concert in Forest Park, right after I got my hysterectomy in 2012. It’s like wearing PJ’s in public.

Comfy PJs

Now that it’s spring, I got it out to wear it again, and discovered the hanger it was on gave it unsightly yellow stains, so I couldn’t even donate it. It had to be trashed.

But I believe in trashing in style! Anytime I get a run in a stocking or something gets ruined, I don’t just wad it up and pitch it. I let it go out with a BANG!

Like this.

And this.

So after teasing my partner like a matador does to a bull

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Cock Cages

By Kendra Holliday | April 10, 2017

The other day my friend Sissy Maid bought a cheap cock cage.

Here it is:

This cock cage was no good :(

This cock cage was no good 🙁

It didn’t fit right, so now it just resides on the coffee table as a conversation piece. Sad!

That got me researching cock cages/male chastity devices. I’d love to organize a crowdfunding project for him to get a high quality cage. It might be the first fundraising project of its kind! He definitely deserves it – he’s such a good sissy! Don’t you think it would go over well – ensuring one less cock wandering our streets with impunity?

But is playing with male chastity dangerous? Read this column by Dan Savage. Of course the medical doctor expert with no experience on the subject Dan consulted warns against this type of play, but those who have years of personal experience with it assure us that it’s not damaging to the family jewels. You can read up on it yourself in one of many chastity forums. There’s also the helpful blog aggregator called Keyheld.

I learned about the Curve, but I heard it’s not the best.

There’s the Birdcage.

There’s also the CB6000.

Basically, you need to either go to MedicalToys or ExtremeRestraints for the best selection of CBT (Cock n Ball Torture) toys.

Ultimately, I learned about THIS company from a friend of mine who has a caged cock fetish:

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I Had Another Birthday

By Kendra Holliday | March 30, 2017

I’ve been flitting around so much tying men up and sticking things up their bums and torturing balls, I haven’t had a chance to write much. I miss writing! I have so much I want to share and process.

But in the meantime, I enjoyed a candlelit bath.

So fresh and so clean!

Water is female energy, so ritual cleansing is a great way to counter balance all the male energy I deal with.

Yin – female, water, moon, mysterious

Yang – male, fire, sun, overt

Bathing in warm water is like being back in the womb, so pure and comforting. Speaking of, have you tried FLOATing yet? Sensory deprivation chamber. Very meditative, like getting a massage without being touched. I’ve done it three times, and each experience is different. I’ve fallen asleep, had mild hallucinations, sorted thoughts, escaped from reality…

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Play Piercing Party

By Kendra Holliday | March 17, 2017

We all have a light side, and a dark side – sacred, and profane.

I have a couple friends who bring out my dark side, and one evening I hung out with both of them, and that made for a dark and crazy night!

Let’s call them Ziztur and Dr Doom. Ziztur took all these pics. Dr Doom brought the human skull. They both collect medical oddities and are experts in health and anatomy.

I did a play piercing session with Ziztur years ago

Stick it to me!

and wanted to try it again. I found it fascinating, and loved how the endorphin rush felt after the needles came out.

So, we arranged an elaborate play piercing party. I was expecting it to be pretty tame, so I was pretty shocked at how weird things got!

Here’s me drinking wine out of a beaker – ha, it looks like piss!

Cheers! It’s about to get weird…

Ziztur is super creative and talented. She pierced my back, then glued feathers to the needles. I brought a bird mask, and voila – creepy bird lady!

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I’ve Been Tied Up…

By Kendra Holliday | February 27, 2017

I’m SO behind on updating this damn website!!

Photo by Mike Estes

I have posts in draft and adventures to share, but they keep stacking up as I keep putting out fires (menopause hormones!), attending events, and playing with clients.

The pic above was taken by my friend Mike Estes at Naughti Gras, an erotic art show that happens every Feb in St Louis. This year was the 10th one, and it was better than ever!

Mike built that super deluxe cross I’m chained to, and guess what? After the show, I got to take it home! It’s in my dungeon, hooray! It has really good energy – so many sexy people posed with it at the show, from burlesque dancers to fire breathers and fetish freaks.

It’s been years since I’ve done a shoot with Mike. He documented my Coming Out party, as well as a few other events.

Red seems to be the theme color…

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A Few of My Favorite Things

By Kendra Holliday | February 13, 2017

Nuru Mermaid

Nuru Mermaid

Since you asked… here is a list of some of my favorite things:

Cash, of course!

Wouldn’t it be awesome if the gas, water and electric companies offered gift certificates? What would be more loving than gifting someone with a hot bath, a home cooked meal, or cooling or heating?

Amazon gc – send gift certificates to kendra@thebeautifulkind.com – I looooove books so much! And they sell pretty much everything else.

GiftRocket online gift card – versatile and easy!

Whole Foods gc – or Trader Joe’s, Global Foods, Dierberg’s, Schnucks local grocery stores. I don’t eat mammals or birds, but I do eat seafood, veggies, fruit….I love ethnic food like sushi, Indian, Vietnamese, Ethiopian

A donation to

Planned Parenthood – because I believe in accessible health care.

or

Worldwide Fistula Fund – The Worldwide Fistula Fund is an incubator, funder, and promoter of innovative solutions to improve global women’s reproductive health.

Etsy gc – support artists!

Target gc – I’m a sucker

Flowers and gifts from Fleur de Lou – they sell lots of sexy and kinky flower arrangements, and also have whimsical gifts. I like when flowers last more like a week as opposed to three days, so the hardier ones are better, though I do like roses and fleeting exotic flowers like orchids. My favorite color rose is the peachy one with blush tones. I don’t like pink as much and I can’t stand the smell of cloying lilies, too funeral home. I keep my flowers in my dining room, which has green walls and lots of colorful jewel tones. Daisies, carnations, sunflowers are great. I like colorful.

Soft blankets, soft tummy

Soft blankets, soft tummy

Soft Surroundings gc – I looove soft clothes and blankets!

Earthbound gc – hippie fashion!

Shoes – size 7, no sandals

Mystic Valley gc – for my witchy things!

Cheryl’s Herbs gc – more healing magical opportunities! I got a scent there called Goddess…

Shameless Grounds gc – one of my favorite places in St Louis!

Godiva milk chocolate and truffle assortments

DeBrand is even finer, but is based in Fort Wayne IN and worth a goddamn road trip!

Fruit from heaven

Fruit from heaven

Merb’s milk chocolate covered strawberries is local and scrumptious

Soaprocks – these are so cool!

Demeter – they sell so many fun scents, some of my favs are New Leaf, Firefly, Grapefruit Tea, Sushi, Silvery Pekoe, New Zealand, Pipe Tobacco, Leather…

Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab – just look at this website!! I have a scent called Bewitched…

FLOAT gc – I love FLOAT, it’s like being in the womb, getting a massage without being touched. You should try it, too!

Massage – my baby sis is my massage therapist, she is excellent! You can sponsor a massage for me, or book one for yourself! She’s located in South City. If I know you in real life, I’m happy to refer you.

Victoria’s Secret – I tend to wear a medium, but sometimes L depending on the style and brand, 36B. My body is average (5′ 4″, 140 lbs) but my mind is extraordinary! I don’t like thongs or g-strings. I prefer timeless and VINTAGE looks over trendy – black, bright colors, jewel tones

Liquor – Bombay Sapphire / Beefeater / Tanqueray gin, Maker’s Mark whisky, bourbon galore, Ketel One  / Grey Goose / Belvedere / Sobieski vodka, Kraken rum, American Honey, peach brandy, Chardonnay, champagne, or any other premium liquor brand you want me to experience

I also like coffee, tea, and Kombucha.

How about you? What are some of your favorite things?

My Daughter’s Date Ideas

By Kendra Holliday | February 10, 2017

My daughter when she was 5

My daughter when she was 5

When my daughter was 7 years old, a boy kissed her hand on a dare. She confided to me, “It was the most enjoyable moment of my life.”

Now she is 16, and identifies as asexual. She doesn’t feel sexually attracted to other people, but she yearns for romance. She wants to hold hands, cuddle, and be intimate with someone special.

I’m thrilled to tell you she went on her first date the other night! They held hands!

I asked how their date went, and she gushed to me, “It was AMAZING. Not only were the events we attended awesome, but he was super sweet. He put his arm around me during the movie, and we held hands twice and he is so very kind all the time. God, I adore him, he made it so amazing.”

He’s like a young George RR Martin, they’re so cute and nerdy together.

I’m SO happy with this new development. She tends to brim over with teenage angst and melancholy, so it’s wonderful picking her up from school and she’s smiling so hard, her face hurts. The rush of happy hormones and feeling connected to someone special to her is better than any pill she could take!

I asked if he is her boyfriend, and she said she didn’t know, but she would ask him. She has ups and downs, and frets over being too direct with him.

King and Queen of Love!

King and Queen of Love!

I reminded her that she is probably advanced in the realm of communication, and needs to be patient with others and teach them how to be open and honest. I also let her know that the wonder is part of the fun of the early stages of a relationship – infatuation is a trip, and you should let it last as long as you can! After that, you get into attachment, feeling the person is a safe haven, then anxious when they are not around, then finally, secure (if the relationship is healthy.)

That’s where I’ve been with my partner Matthew for the past four years or so. We can’t ever go back to the infatuated stage with each other, but since we are polyamorous, we can feel secure while flirting with other people and enjoying novel experiences.

Anyway, my daughter shared her list of curated date ideas with me and gave me permission to share them with you. I think they’re so cute! She made most of them up, and collected some from the internet. I want to do a lot of them, how about you?

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Breasts Breasts Breasts Breasts

By Kendra Holliday | February 6, 2017

Enter my sacred temple

Enter my sacred temple

You guys! Guess what I’m giving myself for my 44th birthday?

My FIRST MAMMOGRAM! Thank goodness my health insurance will cover it under preventive care. They have no idea how amazing they are! 🙂

In celebration, I’m reposting this ode to breasts. ENJOY! …………..

I’ve FINALLY figured out what makes female breasts/nipples so awed and feared!

You know I’ve been struggling with this Topless Inequality quandary for years – remember the Obscene Nipple Game?

A married man told me that seeing his wife’s breasts is always exciting – it never gets old. “Every time I see them, it’s like it’s the first time. It’s refreshing and invigorating.”

I notice with amusement how predictable my clients are – as soon as my bra comes off, they lean down and suck on each nipple, like an automatic, erotic handshake. They simply HAVE to touch and fondle them.

But then get this – the other day I had a date with my girlfriend, and when she took off her shirt, I was compelled to do the exact same thing! I just wanted to grab them! But I didn’t – I was a respectful lady. And that reaction is even with me having breasts myself!

Breasts are like warm, glowing light bulbs, and we are mere moths. Supposedly, moths are drawn to light because of some ancient connection to the moon, which is a feminine symbol.

Alunapull…

Sooo here’s the deal – the reason female breasts and nipples are so awed and feared is because

THEY ARE MAGIC.

That’s it. They are a source of creation and life-giving. They symbolize Mother Earth – they are the opposite of destruction. And while most people revere and respect life force and see it as a positive thing, some people find it overwhelming and confusing, which can be scary. The more we can be in touch with our feelings, the healthier we can process the mysterious world around us.

I breastfed my daughter for a year, and am so proud how I provided her only food source for months, and how she thrived and grew – it’s so magical and empowering!

In honor of this realization, I’m hosting a Topless Tarot event later this week, for women only. We’ll sit around in my warm and cozy fairy cottage and connect and bond over candlelight, cards, gems, and runes. We’ll be surrounded by breasts and loving female energy! Our cups runneth over!

I went back into my blog archives and pulled random breast photos – I just love them so much, and am happy to have them. I’m glad to share them with you, on my own terms. Thank you for your respectful worship and appreciation!

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Junk in Your Trunk

By Kendra Holliday | February 1, 2017

You know how they talk about baggage, being in the closet, etc.?

Everyone has baggage – daddy issues, mommy issues, family pain, abandonment issues, trust issues, inexperienced issues, break up trauma, secrets, shame, guilt, neglect, abuse, loss, betrayal, injury, fear, rejection…

I like to pretend our head is an attic, and our brain is an old fashioned trunk, crammed full of stuff we’ve collected from our travels.

What's in your trunk?

What’s in your trunk?

Space is really tight, and the stuff is jammed in there.

So, I propose this exercise to my clients.

Find the key that opens the trunk.

A skeleton key, for the skeletons in your closet

A skeleton key, for the skeletons in your closet

Open that trunk up.

Now, take ALL the stuff out of it – toss it around the room.

Examine each article – is it a piece of clothing? Is it a toy? Is it wrinkled? Is it moldy? Does it still fit? Do you want to keep it?

Address and assess each item. Acknowledge why it’s in your trunk, and decide if it’s something you want to hang on to.

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Flashbacks and Metaphors

By Kendra Holliday | January 30, 2017

A couple weeks ago, I went to my first therapy appointment wearing a long amethyst gown, pearl crown, white opera length gloves – regal and ridiculous as fuck. My new therapist was chic in all black. She pointed out that all the other therapists in the office were wearing black – mourning attire, in protest to the hostile political climate.

As a peace loving bonobo, I can’t stand having a violent chimpanzee in a position of world power representing my interests.

I’m going to therapy to deal with my menopausal mourning – this nation, my aging parents, dear friends dying.

A combination of the nation’s turmoil and divisiveness, along with listening to this podcast (at the 17:40 mark – btw the rest of the podcast is an excellent interview with actor and comedian Romany Malco) triggered a traumatic memory for me.

The part in the podcast that triggered me was a letter submitted from a listener who was sexually assaulted by a man. He abused his position of power and coerced her, cut her clothes off and sexually assaulted her.

I don’t know if any of you have experienced something like I have – being in your own home, inviting someone in you consider to be a friend, and then he pins you down on your bed, cuts off your pretty bright pink bra with a knife, and then flips you over and carves his initials into your back. You’re helpless, and he’s much stronger. This new government administration feels like that.

His initials, by the way, were his nickname:

T1

He’s an active member of the local BDSM scene. He’ll probably be at Naughti Gras this year.

The assault happened years ago. I remember crying with anger as I defiantly sewed my bra back together – I liked it and wanted to salvage it. I still have it.

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My Body Modifications

By Kendra Holliday | January 25, 2017

Me in 3rd grade

Me in 3rd grade

This is a picture of me from the 3rd grade. Looking at it, it’s hard to believe I was molested – I mean, wouldn’t those ginormous nerd goggles be repellent enough, not to mention the shitty haircut and goofy fashion?

Then again, my opportunistic molester was pretty homely too, and wasn’t very picky. I daresay he had bad taste in children.

But this ugly child grew up to be a gorgeous goddess. Here are some steps I took in my maturity makeover:

Braces – My parents could only afford braces for one of their five kids, so they chose my sister. That means I made it to adulthood with one of my front teeth jutting out. In grade school, kids would come up to me all the time and inform me, “You have a crooked tooth.” LIKE I DIDN’T KNOW. I was self-conscious about smiling, so I scowled a lot.

Finally, when I was married and DINK (double income, no kids), I took the plunge and got Invisalign braces. I’M SO GLAD I DID IT. It was worth every penny (how many pennies are in $4000? oh never mind). Now I wear a retainer at night whenever I feel like it, which is about half the time. I’ve only broken it once. Flossing is so much easier.

Heart zapped – In 2000 I birthed my daughter vaginally – hooray! I didn’t want an epidural or a c-section, but I sure did freak out and request the epidural as soon as my labor pains kicked in for real.

My doctor took it upon herself to give me an episiotomy (a surgical cut in the muscular area between the vagina and the anus), which took a long time to heal. But further north, the pregnancy took other tolls on my body – my heart.

It had trouble keeping up with the extra blood flow and work involved with carrying another person around inside me for months, so it started to misfire. I developed SVT – Supraventricular tachycardia. My heart would sometimes race 300 beats a minute, which was inconvenient and scary. The solution was a procedure where they snake a laser up through your groin to your heart and zap the naughty part and kill it. So my heart has a scar.

The procedure cured my condition, but that zap also signaled the end of my marriage. I woke up from the procedure and everything changed in my life. My heart was fixed and broken, all at once.

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PERV

By Kendra Holliday | January 16, 2017

I’m a proud pervert!

Here is proof, as featured in The Riverfront Times.

Or, just look at this pic 🙂

My new friends!

My new friends!

Here’s one of my favorite perverts:

John Waters is such a pervert!

John Waters is such a pervert!

So what is a pervert, anyway? Centuries ago, the word meant “atheist”, or “turning away from what is right.”

PERV, by Jesse Bering

PERV, by Jesse Bering

I’m an atheist, so that still fits. And I don’t see why sexual creativity and expression is wrong, so I’m glad to reclaim the word as being twisted or kinky.

There’s a great book out that covers a wide range of perversions. It’s called PERV: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us, by Jesse Bering. (Fun fact: Jesse Bering used to teach at a university in Arkansas. My ex took his position when he moved on to greener pastures.)

I’m used to academics writing about sex in theory, and removing themselves from the messy details. So I was really impressed with Jesse’s approach – he fesses up to some of his own embarrassing sexual history! Very raw and honest.

For instance, one time he masturbated to an empty Diet Coke can a guy he had a crush on drank from. He also masturbated to a picture of a naked caveman in a science book. His confessions reminded me of some of my embarrassing details – I used to have a crush on Darth Vader, and when I was a kid, I practiced making out with a Spiderman doll.

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What is the Secret to an Abundant Sex Life?

By Kendra Holliday | January 9, 2017

Dear Kendra,

In my experience, sex partners are few and far between. When I do find a partner, relationship drama soon kicks in, and that tarnishes the fun in having sex. I’ve always wanted more sex with more women without all the hassle – a life of sexual freedom and openness, and the joy that comes with it. But alas, it always eludes me.

I appreciate your blog and lifestyle, and I’d like to live a sex life similar to yours. I want to enjoy a sex life with an abundance of attractive women, with a consenting partner, in a way that good partners come towards me without all the games.

I’ve always felt that the key to living the life you want is your mentality or perspective about it. And so my question to you is, what is the mindset of one who lives this sort of life, or the spiritual perspective? What kinds of thoughts prohibit one from living the life? What is the secret to living an abundant sex life?

On Holliday!

My answer:

There is one main thing keeping people from celebrating their sexuality in a free and fun manner – FEAR.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling to other countries, it’s that USA is a very fearful country. We are rife with anxiety and depression, due to all the limitations we impose upon ourselves. And yet, we tout ourselves as a free country.

HA. Very funny. Nice try.

I highly recommend you read The Bonobo Way by Dr Susan Block.

And Decoding Your Kink by Galen Fous MTP.

And, it looks like some of my other book recommendations have helped people! See this heartening note from a reader:

“You and I could probably agree on very little…I’m a Conservative Christian male, in a monogamous relationship with my wife, and I was a virgin until I was married.

And yet, my wife and I have had intimacy issues for many many years. I stumbled onto your site and, at after seeing your Top Sex-Positive Recommendations post, started reading Robert Glover’s book ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy!’. I thought I was going to see my picture in the pages of that book. Almost everything in that book described me perfectly.

Then, also at your suggestion, I started reading ‘Open Her’ by Karen Brody. Not finished with this yet, but again I’m seeing eye-opening revelations.

My relationship with my wife is improving, but I have miles to go before I truly overcome my ‘Nice Guy Syndrome’. I just wanted to thank you for listing these reading materials on your site. You don’t make $ from this, but I can tell that you are truly interested in helping people resolve whatever sexual-relational problems they may have.”

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What Makes a Person Sexy? The Secret Recipe

By Kendra Holliday | December 31, 2016

So….

What makes a person sexy?

Think about it.

Before you read on, take a moment to really think about it. What thoughts immediately come to mind?

WHO comes to mind – you? your partner? someone you know in real life? celebrities?

What do they look like? How do they behave?

Most people will reply automatically with:

CONFIDENCE

But of course!

Take a look at yourself.

However, it’s more than that. I know a gorgeous stripper who suffers from low self-esteem, and she is sexy.

You can be insecure and sexy.

You can be stupid and sexy.

You can be fat and sexy.

You can be old and sexy.

You can be poor and sexy.

You can be immature and sexy.

When we are attracted to someone else, it’s either because they remind us of ourselves, or they are a contrast to ourselves.

Either way, it is a reflection.

Deep, huh? Let’s unpack that.

Do you possess more male energy, or female energy?

Are you in touch with your sexuality? Is your libido in check?

Female energy is yin, the moon, water, cool.

Male energy is yang, the sun, fire, hot.

I’ve found that what makes a man sexy is confidence and maturity.

For women, it’s confidence and playfulness.

And for everyone, the secret ingredient to sexiness is…………

Drumroll…………

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