Intimate Behavior
Being the poly slut that I am, it's ironic that an article about virginity by L. Jade, a woman who is into "red hot monogamy" inspired me to read this book by Desmond Morris called Intimate Behavior: A Zoologist's Classic Study of Human Intimacy
I was so intrigued by Morris's proposed 12 stages of sexual intimacy (you can see them listed here in Jade's article) , and how he compares them to the intimacy of a mother and infant. If someone had a bad childhood, this could mean they might have trouble coping with intimacy as an adult.
As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I’ve noticed that most of the men I’ve been with are in a terrible rush; they try and get to the last few stages of intimacy as soon as possible, sometimes skipping steps entirely. Then they complain they have unfulfilling sex lives!
This happened the other day - I went on a date with a guy, spent two hours getting to know him, in which he told me he was a dissatisfied and misunderstood millionaire. At the end of our time together, he asked if he could kiss me. I said OK, we kissed, it was fine, but compare that medicore date with my courtship with Beast!
Beast took things very slow, did not skip any steps, and we didn't share a kiss on the mouth until six months after we first sparked, which in slut years is an eternity. I wonder if that's why our relationship is so solid and fulfilling.
Other interesting notes from the book:
- Written in 1971, it's cute how the book is dated, before boob jobs and modern mainstream massage therapy.
- Just think of all the taboo subjects packed into our crotch area: urination, defecation, oral sex, ejaculation, masturbation, copulation and menstruation. What a hot spot!
- The natural life-span for man is between 40-50 years. Beyond that, everything is a bonus.
- Supposedly, belly dancing originated from trained women copulating with old, fat lords, the undulating of their pelvises on his replacing his masculine thrusts and basically being an act of fertile masturbation.
- There is no give and take in true loving, only giving. A healthy relationship consists of two way giving.
- "Even in this day and age, many mated pairs are held together by the external pressures of social convention, not by internal bonds of attachment. This means the couple's natural potential for falling in love still lies waiting inside their brains and can leap into action without warning at any time, to create a true bond somwhere outside their official one." This statement rang so true to me, as I know many married couples who have had this happen to them. Think of all the politicians who are married to a good woman for his career, but scandalously fall in love with someone else.
- If someone is not getting his or her intimacy needs met, one coping mechanism is to fall ill. This puts them in an "instant baby" state, and ensures others will dote on them. Becoming ill to achieve this result can be completely unconscious. Think of all the attention one gets in the hospital, or getting a cast signed, or even having a nervous breakdown.
- Other intimacy substitutes Morris suggests include pets, sex toys, and even cigarettes! (You CAN buy intimacy!) He says sure they're addictive, but it's more than the nicotine; it's such a comforting substitute to a mother's nipple. He refers to cigarette smoke as "smoke-milk" - ?!
He kindof lost me towards the end of the book (he talked about how jumping on a trampoline can be like getting embraced - ??), but wow did he introduce all kinds of new ideas to me. I've been mulling them around the past few days, great food for thought!
Have you ever experienced a slow courtship? How did it go? If you rushed into your current relationship, do you think you can hit the reset button and work your way seductively through the 12 stages of sexual intimacy...
Eyes to Body
.
Eyes to Eyes
.
Voice to Voice
.
Hand to Hand
.
Arm to Shoulder
.
Arm to Waist
.
Mouth to Mouth
.
Hand to Head
.
Hand to Body
.
Mouth to Breast
.
Hand to Genitals
.
Genitals to Genitals...
Monday, February 1, 2010
Announcing Intimacy Week
Announcing Intimacy Week
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
YATBK: Annie Sprinkle
YATBK: Annie Sprinkle
32 Responses to "Intimate Behavior"
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The Beautiful Kind
I wonder where Brain to Brain fits in the stages of intimacy...maybe that's part of Voice to Voice.
Historygirl
Good Point- Go Brains! (does zombie shuffle)
I agree with DaddyFr0gg, the line about no give and take, only giving really resonated for me.
the velvet lilly
Go brains!!
yes..if he doesn't stimulate my brain on some level - it's no go.
It's ALWAYS a better connection to go slow....1. it gives them enough time to hang themselves with the rope I give them.
2. the building tension is delicious
3. there's more certainty and more to explore the more you know someone and know more things about them you admire or desire.
4. anticipation is...........so..........goooood!!!
On two occasions it took months or a year to build up to actually sleeping with a lover....both times that first kiss was shattering......(the taboo factor also heightened the wow factor and the go fever)
eowyn
Where does hand to ass fit in the stages? My current boyfriend actually got in a ass feel before we ever kissed (I think he had been drinking and we were at a non poly friendly party).
The Beautiful Kind
That would be Hand to Body, Eowyn. And lordy Beast fucked my ass before he fucked my pussy. That was a first for me! But at least we kissed first ha ha.
isabella
confession: the LAST thing i did with superman was kiss him....the intimacy of that first "real" kiss was earth shattering for me...
DaddyFr0gg
I love this quote: - "There is no give and take in true loving, only giving. A healthy relationship consists of two way giving."
This book just went on my to-do list... Thank you!
Kaia
I'm definitely going to keep that list in mind for my next relationship. People say there's no formula for love, but there sure is for a healthy mental state.
In my psychology classes we learn all the stages of life and all the theories that go with them. If you miss one thing from one stage, you'll have trust issues. If you miss something somewhere else, you'll have another problem. The process of becoming a happy, functioning individual is so delicate.
Since Love is such a big big part of life and one's mentality it only makes sense that there would be mirroring stages meant to make two people grow and develop TOGETHER, much like other stages help you develop as an individual.
I love intimacy week! haha
fuzzilla
>12 stages of sexual intimacy...he compares them to the intimacy of a mother and infant. If someone had a bad childhood, this could mean they might have trouble coping with intimacy as an adult.<
Hell, what won't a bad childhood screw up? Anyway, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. If your basic intimacy and emotional needs weren't met as they should have been, you'll have screwy expectations of what you want/need from a relationship beyond someone to fuck/talk to/do stuff with.
I once dated a guy who said "do you think about me when you touch yourself?" We'd dated a month or two and were in an "intimate situation" when he said it, but it still felt creepy and weird. Especially since the answer was "no." I didn't want to be rude or lie, so I said "...a lady never tells." It just seemed like such a presumptuous thing to say. And fake, since it assumed a level of intimacy that just wasn't there. It would've been better to ask WHAT I think about when I touch myself, to try to get to know me, if he genuinely gave a damn (which he didn't, so I kicked him to the curb).
Yeah, sounds like an interesting book. Hell, six months is an eternity in non-slut years! ;o) I don't think I could do it! Anyway, yes, you-all are living proof that great things happen when you "earn" intimacy and don't make assumptions and make sure you're both on the same page every step of the way.
isabella
nothing i dislike more than arrogance, ugh, hope you kicked him hard. just goes to show you, intimacy and sex don't always go together, rushing intimacy is impossible
sera
I thought you and Beast took it slow because you were dating Beast's best friend for at least 3-4 months after you "sparked" with Beast. Go figure.
The Beautiful Kind
You are 100% correct. We had to take it slow due to circumstances. I WANTED to go faster, but to Beast's credit, he did things right. That's why I worded it this way:
"Beast took things very slow, did not skip any steps, and we didn't share a kiss on the mouth until six months after we first sparked. I wonder if that's why our relationship is so solid and fulfilling."
All those cuddle movie nights went along with the first 6 stages and were sweet torture. So yeah, had it been up to me, I might have sabotaged the relationship.
Beast
Nice try sera.
sera
My point was it seems a bit unfair to make fun of a guy who wants to kiss on the first date if in fact your desires are the same. Great, give Beast his due, but to my ears you made it sound like the guy you met the other day was a regressive toad who has no idea of romance. He's no toadier than you or me or many other people who think kissing on a first date is fun.
I couldn't be happier that your extended courtship with Beast worked out and that taking it slow worked out for the two of you. But I really think that 1) comparing other men (especially miserable self-indulgent millionaires) to Beast is sort of unfair, because they're not going to win the comparison! and 2) people differ. One of my great loves was a guy who took everything slow and didn't skip ANY steps--it took us six months to kiss, partly because he was involved with someone else at the time. Another was a guy I kissed as soon as I saw him in real life, 3 weeks after we connected on line, and slept with the same night. I threw my rule book out for that guy and it was worth it. Both were fabulous, amazing, life-changing, and deeply physically and emotionally intimate relationships. There aren't easy rules for this stuff; you have to follow your heart and your gut.
The Beautiful Kind
Sera, great points and you are 100% correct again - it's unfair for me to compare this guy to Beast, as there is no comparison. I WISH I could tell you the whole story on that guy! He ended up being a huge disappointment, despite bragging about how special and different he was. Yeah right!
sera
So he's just a full toad then? :) Glad you have Beast!
The Beautiful Kind
Thank you! yes it's a lovely thing, having an open relationship with a fabulous man. The bar is set high. This guy turned out to be a toad, not worth kissing and seeing if he's a prince. No matter, I have my King!
Shannon
I'd definitely agree with this (following your gut) and have heard two things on this topic. The first being this very point about kissing too fast, the other being that if you wait too long, they will figure you're not interested and move on.
I think it's like that with anything, really. Waiting increases your interest in something, but *TOO* much waiting is disastrous. Like after you've had a really great job interview and you're interested in the job, and the employers drag their butts and hem and haw on making a decision. That initial wait is excruciating and does increase your interest, but after months go by with inaction then they could go to hell for all you care and you're looking at the next great opporunity.
The Beautiful Kind
It's easy to compare dating with job hunting. With both,you have to sell yourself, play the game, deal with rejection. And both will fuck you - one if you're lucky, one if you're unlucky.
isabella
its the slowly built fire that feels the warmest... when love like that finally engulfs you, it's indescribable...i knew i liked my superman, we played and teased and laughed and had fun until suddenly it hit me that the chemistry between us was so much more than i'd ever expected...we were both quite frightened by the depth of our feelings, we still are! although we're in contact, we don't see each other every day, the fire just keeps smoldering and reignites three or four times a week...sigh
The Beautiful Kind
That is awesome, isabella! Yep, we see each other about 3 times a week, too. But I'm no longer frightened by the depth of our feelings, just surprised from time to time. :)
Mon-Mon
"- There is no give and take in true loving, only giving. A healthy relationship consists of two way giving."
I've been stating this ever since I found polyamory. The biggest pitfall I see in polyamory is that some poly folk seem so me-centric. They sometimes acts like poly is meant to fulfill all their needs (ie the idea of finding different partners to fulfill multiple needs). Whereas I think poly should be more like this comment.
The Beautiful Kind
Good point, Mon-Mon! I'm definitely mindful of this comment as I go about my relationship. Beast gives me so much, I can barely keep up with giving back, but I sure try!
Beast
You're doing a great job Slut!!!
RachaelBenedict
Wow- really good article- Your writing keeps getting better!
Experiencing all different kinds of relationships, from slow courtships to faster (as an escort, silly college-girl, & lost post-college chick)... I've found alot of joy and alot of heartbreak in each.
Interesting, and thought provoking!
silvershovler
are you sure i can not just phone it in?
The Beautiful Kind
why don't you try that and let me know how it works for you?
silvershovler
attempt: 2
failure: 2
success :0
results may vary.
the velvet lilly
Silver: hee hee heee..
yeah... keep that up slugger....
(you KNOW that wont' work silly)
xoxo, TVL
The Beautiful Kind
Got a giggle out of me, silver. :)
silvershovler
see i am more than just a pretty face.
LostInTranslation
A little later, but I want to say this is a great post, TBK. I'm amazed at how you go through almost every interesting subject I can think of. Really thought provoking.
Also I want to recommend "Slowness" by Milan Kundera. Reading that book made me think a lot about this some years ago.
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