By Kendra Holliday | October 5, 2015
Dr. Marty Klein is coming to St. Louis this month! Not only will he be presenting at the 60th American Academy of Psychotherapists Conference (YES I’m going!), but you can also catch him at a FREE event at Wash U!
Thursday, October 22, 7-9pm
Location: Washington University, Brown School, Hillman Hall 70
Hillman Hall is just east of Brown and Goldfarb Halls on the corner of Forsyth Boulevard and Hoyt Drive.
FREE, donations welcome
America’s War On Sex—And Why Humanists Should Care
If you want to get people thinking less, just throw the word sex into a room. To further subvert their rationality (and their trust in science), add the word kids. Or danger, promiscuity, pleasure, and “sexual rights.”
For many people, the combination of these words creates a nightmare vision that the Religious Right has conveniently located, described, and promised to eliminate.
That’s what their War On Sex is about: generating fear, and then promising to reduce the danger by undermining secular democracy. All by demonizing sex, and proposing ways to control it.
By focusing on the word sex, the Religious Right has been extraordinarily successful at excluding science from public policy discussions about education, medicine, the media, criminal justice, and civil rights. They have also successfully re-conceptualized private sexual expression into public behavior, which is therefore subject to public control.” Their obsessive focus on sexual danger has undermined everyone’s sexual rights, from swing clubs to South Park, from sex toy stores to internet porn, from sex education to birth control.
“The Religious Right is using the issue of sexual regulation to undermine secular democracy,” says Klein. “Its War On Sex uses phony categories, dangerism, and abroad Sexual Disaster Industry. They take sex very, very seriously—and it’s time we did, too.”
Marty Klein, Ph.D
Fellow, Secular Policy Institute
Co-Sponsored by The Skeptical Society of St. Louis and The St Louis Rationalists. Hosted by Washington University, Brown School of Social Work
Dr. Marty Klein is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist. For three decades he has written and lectured about the intersection of sex, politics, and the media. He is the award-winning author of seven books about sex, including America’s War On Sex: The Attack on Law, Lust, & Liberty, which details how the Religious Right uses the issue of sexual regulation to undermine secular democracy.
Marty serves on the editorial board of The Humanist, is a Fellow of the Secular Policy Institute, and he has keynoted conferences including TAM, American Atheists, and the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex. He recently gave two Congressional briefings on evidence-based sex education.
Marty was the first writer to challenge the then-new concept of “sex addiction,” and is still its best-known critic (see Wikipedia!). He continually challenges the sex-negative quackery of American psychotherapy, with its gender stereotypes, iatrogenic beliefs about childhood sexuality, and prejudices about monogamy and pornography.
About his current book, Sexual Intelligence, Psychology Today simply says: “If you want to improve your sex life, read this book.” Audiences around the world say that goes for his talks, too–which are thought-provoking, down-to-earth, and entertaining.
Here is my Amazon review of his book, America’s War on Sex:
“I’m aware of how backwards and fearful the U.S. is when it comes to sex, but it’s nice to see it all spelled out, organized, and backed with facts. Some of the facts are appalling! It’s incredible how much people want to control other people’s personal lives, and the lack of empathy. So many people are not just ignorant, but stupid! The author brings up some interesting points, such as our sex ed for kids approach is in order to make adults feel more comfortable, and does a great disservice to our children. The way our society is set up now will keep therapists in business for decades. This book is an important read for a sex-positive activist. I wish we could change our methods to match countries that have a successful model, but there are too many rich religious groups invested in profiting from the current set up that is preventing us from self-actualizing and being happy and healthy.”
Be sure and meet him when he’s in town!
By Kendra Holliday | September 30, 2015
Are you a woman who hasn’t had an orgasm in a few years? How about ever?
Want to expand your orgasmic repertoire?
Betty Dodson has been a pioneer of female orgasm for over 40 years. She’s 85 now, and while she tends to rub some people the wrong way, I have to admit she is on to something!
She’s known for her book Sex for One, as well as being a champion for the vulva and clitoris.
A few years ago, she had an advice column in Bust magazine, and I was dismayed at some of her replies. She seemed very dismissive of women masturbating outside the box and seemed to be on her way out, introducing her sidekick, Carlin Ross.
But then earlier this year, she caught my attention by pissing off a bunch of politically correct people at CatalystCon East. She joked about grabbing someone’s ass and fucking a dog or something, and people were outraged.
So that got me interested in her again, and then I heard her piece on the RISK! podcast and that was great. And then I read Jenny Block’s account of a group masturbation workshop hosted by Betty. Mark my words – we’re totally going to do something like that in St. Louis in the near future!
So I’m back to being a Betty fan (just like how Dan Savage won me over again by being bold and owning up to past foibles, while still sticking to his guns.)
My friend who is in her 40’s and newly dating just discovered the Hitachi Magic Wand. She CROWED about how she doesn’t NEED a man now! The wand helps her take the physical edge off when her hormones are raging, and allows her to take her time finding her next partner, one who is well-suited for her.
So, yeah. Click around this blog post and discover some new tools and tips. I love learning something sexy and new everyday!
And spreading the good word!
By Kendra Holliday | September 30, 2015
The other day I received this email:
I’m a 50-year-old heterosexual woman, and I have never had an orgasm. I want to learn how. I honestly don’t believe that it’s a psychological or emotional problem. I believe that I haven’t been able to figure out the mechanics of my body yet. I have read a lot on it and practiced a lot, but every time I feel like it’s about to happen – like I’m on the edge of the waterfall – it just goes away. Doctors haven’t been helpful – they are dismissive and tell me I’m perfectly normal down there. Any advice on how to get over the waterfall?
Here is my response to her:
I like how you use a water analogy – as a fluid person, I often associate water, the ocean, rocking boats to my sexuality, pleasure, and orgasm.
Let’s review the four stages of orgasm: arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. I’m guessing you stall out during the plateau phase. Let’s examine some causes.
Have you experienced any sexual trauma? I spoke to a woman who didn’t have her first orgasm until she was in her 40’s. The reason why was because when she was a kid, she would hear her mom masturbate loudly and it traumatized her. They never talked about it and she decided she didn’t want to be like her mom.
It was only after her mom died that the woman could claim her right to orgasms and break free from the mental hang up. She said she always enjoyed sex before but never let herself go – she would back off whenever the sensation became too much. She finally had to force herself to stick with it past that overwhelming sensation (it was scary for her) and get past that point and was glad to finally learn what she had been missing all these years!
Are you on any medications such as blood pressure or anti-depressants? Years ago, I was on Prozac and it really numbed me out.
I haven’t personally found any herbs or supplements that actually increase arousal – in my opinion, all those creams and enhancers are shady.
By Kendra Holliday | September 28, 2015
My friend offered to conduct an orgasm experiment with me!
He came over wearing a lab coat, carrying a clipboard and some measuring equipment.
We wanted to see how long it would take me to orgasm while he measured my heart rate and blood pressure every minute. We also audio recorded it.
He got me hooked up to the portable blood pressure monitor and sat by my bed, dutifully holding the clipboard and taking notes.
I stripped down and grabbed my new wireless Magic Wand.
“What are you going to fantasize about?” he asked.
“I think I’ll go with recalling some erotica I read earlier today about a virgin who gets impregnated on an island by a caveman, that was pretty hot.”
He nodded, then offered, “Here’s what I think you’d be into – imagine Matthew calls you up and is with another woman and is giving her an orgasm and wants you to listen.”
“OH that sounds good, too, I like it! And no doubt he’ll get off, too!”
With that, I was ready to rock. RIGHT as I was about to hit record, my next door neighbor fired up his motorcycle right outside my bedroom window! Arrghh!
My Doctor said, “We can wait a minute, he’ll leave soon.”
By Kendra Holliday | September 16, 2015
I was featured on my friends Charles and Justin’s great podcast Here and Now – take a listen!
I was really impressed with where the conversation went – it got deep. Not only did we talk about sex and love, but also rape and forgiveness. I’m going to listen to it with my daughter and partner – it will be the first time we’ve done something like that.
And just a week later, they featured my brother from another mother – David Wraith! Here is his sassy interview. I’ll bet they’d like to hear his, too – my daughter is a bit fascinated by him – he can come off as intimidating, but he is kind and supportive to her. He’s an enigma.
By Kendra Holliday | September 11, 2015
When my daughter was 7 years old, a boy kissed her hand on a dare. She confided to me, “It was the most enjoyable moment of my life.”
Now she is 15, and identifies as asexual. She doesn’t feel sexually attracted to other people, but she yearns for romance. She wants to hold hands, cuddle, and be intimate with someone special.
I’m thrilled to tell you she went on her first date the other night! They held hands!
I asked how their date went, and she gushed to me, “It was AMAZING. Not only were the events we attended awesome, but he was super sweet. He put his arm around me during the movie, and we held hands twice and he is so very kind all the time. God, I adore him, he made it so amazing.”
He’s like a young George RR Martin, they’re so cute and nerdy together.
I’m SO happy with this new development. She tends to brim over with teenage angst and melancholy, so it’s wonderful picking her up from school and she’s smiling so hard, her face hurts. The rush of happy hormones and feeling connected to someone special to her is better than any pill she could take!
I asked if he is her boyfriend, and she said she didn’t know, but she would ask him. She has ups and downs, and frets over being too direct with him.
I reminded her that she is probably advanced in the realm of communication, and needs to be patient with others and teach them how to be open and honest. I also let her know that the wonder is part of the fun of the early stages of a relationship – infatuation is a trip, and you should let it last as long as you can! After that, you get into attachment, feeling the person is a safe haven, then anxious when they are not around, then finally, secure (if the relationship is healthy.)
That’s where I’ve been with my partner Matthew for the past four years or so. We can’t ever go back to the infatuated stage with each other, but since we are polyamorous, we can feel secure while flirting with other people and enjoying novel experiences.
Anyway, my daughter shared her list of date ideas with me and gave me permission to share them with you. I think they’re so cute! She made most of them up, and collected some from the internet. I want to do a lot of them, how about you?
By Kendra Holliday | September 4, 2015
As you know, I’m a huge proponent of the Hitachi Magic Wand. I’ve used them for years. I say “them” because I had one for five years, then passed it on to a friend and bought a new one. I also have one at each household – my partner Matthew’s and mine.
I use it twice a day, and if you do the math, that’s a really good value. They might not look sexy, but they sure are sturdy and get the job done!
We added one more to the collection – the new version, which is rechargeable and has cordless capability. Here’s a comparison shot of the old one, top, and the new one, bottom.
Hitachi Corporation is embarrassed to be associated with something that produces countless orgasms, so they have tried rebranding and are just going with the name Magic Wand. There are tons of cheaper knockoffs, but you get what you pay for. The old version costs about $50-60, and the new version is more like $120 (you can shop around for a best price). I think it’s worth the investment.
The old version just had two settings – low and high. It was loud. It was tethered to the wall.
The new version has EIGHT settings – four speeds, and four patterns. You can read product specs here. The buttons are easy to use, and you won’t accidentally switch it off like the old design.
You plug it in to charge, then can disconnect it and have freer reign. The lithium-ion battery charge lasts FOREVER.
By Kendra Holliday | September 3, 2015
Guess what! Princess Kali is going to release a book on erotic humiliation soon! It’s such a great topic! I’m going to be quoted in it. Check out the title: Enough to Make You Blush: An Intro to Erotic Humiliation.
Filling out the survey she put out on Twitter the other day reminded me of this scene I had with my partner a few years ago. It was super intense for me, and taught us about the importance of after care…
It’s noon. I’m at home, just got out of the shower and dressed. Matthew stops by unexpectedly. He walks over to the whiskey, pours himself a drink, and says coolly, “I came for lunch.”
“Oh, you want me to make you something?” I offer.
“NO.” He looks at me. I think, oh shit, here we go.
He walks me back to the bedroom and pushes me onto the bed. He grabs big handfuls of my flesh and I cry out. “Are you finding my handles?” I try to joke. “How many do I have, anyway?”
That’s meant to be a rhetorical question, but he is glad to answer it. “One,” he announces, grabbing my hip. “Two,” grabbing the other hip. He continues to manhandle me, seizes a braid, my throat, my thigh…each body part he molds to fit his grip. He gets to 16…
He has my belly in a death grip and growls, “I want to take this part with me. Leave you here to bleed.”
He picks me up upside down by the seat of my pants, holds me over the bed, and says, “This,” and drops me, “is sub drop.”
He rips my clothes off and devours my pussy from every angle, he keeps flipping me around. He spits whiskey on my frightened pussy and it gets hot and burns.
I absolutely feel like a picnic basket being raided.
I gasp anxiously, “You can’t do this on the very day I posted Kodiak Attack!”
By Kendra Holliday | August 29, 2015
The majority of submissive men are so annoying!!!
As a sex worker, I can tell you that there are A LOT of submissive men out there.
And they are cluelessly milling around, desperately seeking Mistresses.
The definition of Mistress is this: “a woman in a position of authority or control.”
Sounds good, right? Trouble is, they’re so warped by our patriarchal society, they have it all twisted.
This is what they THINK it means: “a woman to be manipulated to fulfill every whim for the benefit of a silly penis.”
Fuck this Mistress shit. I am a GODDESS. I am a QUEEN.
That means whatever I say, GOES. Fuck your preferences. I mean, if I can do right by you, I will, but it’s really all about me, the Queen, and not you, the lowly minion with an eager dick and shallow wallet.
In our society men are not allowed to fully mature. That’s why I offer finishing school.
The words “entitled,” “eager”, and “annoying” should not come to mind as I review your application.
And in case you haven’t noticed, finishing school is NOT CHEAP.
Take Ceara Lynch …. just look at what she has to deal with. Sometimes she makes more than $1000 a day, and she EARNS EVERY PENNY. And since she makes so much damn money and knows sub men are plentiful, she offers tips on how to become a humiliatrix.
Here are three recent examples I’ve had to deal with – I’ll never get these 10 minutes back, and neither will you:
- panty guy
- servant foot sniffer guy
- spanking guy
By Kendra Holliday | August 29, 2015
The other day, I organized my cedar chest full of lingerie. Here’s what I pulled out:
I had such a nice time sorting through my sexy treasures and doing an inventory!
Here’s a brilliant rainbow sampling of some of the gems within:
(If you want to see more random lingerie and personal pics, you can go to my facebook page.)
It turns out I had more than 25 bras and 80 panties! Not to mention many stockings, thigh hi’s, and more…
Above are the undies featured in this post from three years ago showing me wearing them in 2007, and again in 2012. I never did go back and update it. Does this count? I don’t think I’ll ever look good in this pair again. And I guess I’m okay with that, since I have 80 other pair to choose from!
These are no longer part of the collection – I sold these to friends a few years ago when I was desperate for money, during the dark days of 2010 and 2011. They sent me this pic to show me they still had them!
Here is what they looked like on me – ooh la la!
By Kendra Holliday | August 24, 2015
Lea Thau is obsessed with my IUD.
At least, that’s what I initially thought when I listened to our interview on her awesome national podcast, Strangers.
A few weeks ago, she was in St Louis teaching a storytelling workshop, and I invited her over to my cute little fairy cottage to learn more about what I do for a living. Or, as I like to say, a loving.
Here is the interview!
We chatted for over two hours. It was late, and we were both tired, so I was worried I’d sound like a zombie or something, but I think it turned out well! Lea has mad editing skills, that’s for sure.
One thing she mentioned more than once was my IUD. I gave her a tour of my house, which included a brief tour of the dollhouse I bought with stripper money when I was 19. I love it SO much. It’s full of treasures and memories.
See for yourself:
There’s a kitchen, living room, bedroom, study, and attic. As you can tell, Granny is a bit of a crazy cat lady, but notice how there are no animals in the study. That’s because it’s haunted.
If you take a closer look at the attic, you’ll see all kinds of oddities.
By Kendra Holliday | August 21, 2015
Are you gleefully celebrating the Ashley Madison member data leak? Are you experiencing Schadenfreude thinking about all the married people being busted left and right? Are you hoping lawyers make millions off of this confidentiality violation?
If so, I’d like to let you know a little something.
I know several people who joined Ashley Madison because they are married to chronically ill spouses.
They took the vow, “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” to heart. Unlike ME – I scratched the itch and dumped my husband after seven years of marriage when shit went south.
These people have been dealing with a lifelong affliction – a chronic, painful rash that lasts decades.
One guy has been married to his blind wife for 30 years.
Another is married to her husband who has MS.
Another is married to his bi-polar wife.
Another is married to his abusive wife who suffers from borderline personality. Oh, and he has two autistic children.
Another has not had intercourse with his wife in over 30 years.
Another has a husband with early onset Alzheimer’s.
Another has a husband who was hit by a car and has a head injury.
These people are dealing with heavy burdens.
They are loyal, but they are broken hearted. Life didn’t go the way they planned.
But they aren’t tossing their sick spouses out and replacing them with shiny, younger, healthier partners.
They are desperately trying to fulfill their commitment to their life partner, but they have needs.
The people you are laughing at and judging are SAINTS.
They have pledged lifelong fideltiy, just like a lot of us have, but instead of being on their second or third marriage, they are still toiling through their first.
By Kendra Holliday | August 16, 2015
The other day, I was interviewed for a new NPR podcast. Not sure if it will ever air, but the topic really got me thinking. The question posed was:
“Does shame do any good?”
Given my background, my knee jerk reaction was, “NO.”
But the question wasn’t, “Does slut shaming do any good?”
“Shame” is humiliation caused by wrong or foolish behavior.
We often feel shame for who or what we are, but we have to ask ourselves – is who we are or what we are doing wrong or foolish behavior?
The woman who fired me certainly thought having a sex blog was wrong and foolish.
I’ll never forgot how livid she was as she hissed at me, “What were you thinking when you posted those things for everyone to read?! I feel like I’m talking to a 14-year-old!”
(For the record, April 27, 2010 was the last time anyone ever successfully slut shamed me.)
Maybe she was a conservative Christian and thought I was guilty of Lust and Pride.
Personally, I don’t think sharing your sex life publicly is a bad thing. For that matter, I don’t think Lust and Pride are bad things, either.
So, what is wrong or foolish behavior?
Is accidentally getting stuck in the middle of an intersection and blocking traffic at a red light wrong and foolish behavior?
Maybe. Or maybe it’s bad judgment.
By Kendra Holliday | August 12, 2015
One year on Twitter, I listed one of my fetishes every day.
Fetish: something that sexually charms you.
I went back and looked at the list and was turned on and amused!
Here is the list in its entirety – I replaced about ten of them. If I’ve featured one in a post, I will link it to that post.
Mmmm, I want them ALL! Do any themes jump out at you? It’s clear I’m into hair, booze, and incest!
What about you – how many things turn YOU on?
1. Hairy chest
2. Steel handcuffs
3. Having my lingerie ripped (panties, stockings, fishnets)
7. Redheaded women
8. Pre-1968 Elvis
9. Reaction cologne
11. Sleeping Beauty
13. Feeling hard cock through jeans/pants
14. Incest Fantasies
18. My man’s cum inside my pussy
20. Japanese Gardens
22. Bruce Springsteen
24. Bubble baths
25. Magic Wand
28. Arched doorways
29. A REAL beard
30. Mood lighting
33. Long skirts
35. Victorian Homes
37. Hairy underarms
41. Classical music
43. V-Safe Men
45. Period films
By Kendra Holliday | August 11, 2015
“Can I borrow that book when you’re done reading it?”
I can’t tell you how many people asked me that question as I carried Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex, by Joan Price around with me for weeks.
I absolutely adore Joan Price. She is a passionate advocate of living life to its fullest. She teaches ageless sexuality and doesn’t hold back when it comes to sharing tips for living a more fulfilling, sensual life. She boldly pushes past societal barriers, and she does so in a loving, accepting, joyfully positive manner.
Thank goodness SOMEONE is talking about senior sexuality, because guess what? Not everyone is obssessed with young, inexperienced hardbodies.
My friend David Wraith is attracted to older women.
My partner Matthew is into older women. He loves how in touch with their bodies they are. “They know what they want.”
This guy I just met was into women in their 40’s when he was 20, and now that he’s 40, is into women in their 60’s. He craves the seasoned softness of their flesh.
Even my 15-year-old asexual daughter expressed interest in learning about senior sexuality – “I think it’s good for seniors to be having sex,” she said matter-of-factly, “but I don’t really want to watch it.”
|Naked at Our Age, by Joan Price|
“Oh for goodness sake! You don’t want to watch ANYONE having sex!” I exclaimed with a laugh.
“True,” she agreed.
Here’s the thing – I have huge respect and admiration for people older than me. I’m 42. I’ve always been attracted to little old men. In fact, I have a huge crush on my partner’s grandfather, a wiry pistol in his 80’s who could probably hogtie you with barbed wire before you even had a chance to cry “Grandpa.”
My oldest sexual partner was 92 years old, He hadn’t had sex for more than 20 years, and he assumed his parts would still work. They didn’t. His penis had vanished from years of neglect.
The saying is true: USE IT OR LOSE IT.
I watched a documentary on Anna Nicole Smith and everyone interviewed in it talked about how disgusting it was that she married a man 63 years older than her. I find that judgmental attitude distasteful.