The Dysfunctional Bedroom: Top 5 Sex Life Woes

By Kendra Holliday | March 4, 2015

Naked wisdom

I am not a licensed therapist. I do not have a degree in sexology. All of my knowledge and wisdom about human desire and happiness is based on my own research and personal experience.

This allows me greater freedom and flexibility when it comes to the sex and relationship consulting I offer. I’ve seen hundreds of clients in the past few years. Most of them have been men – men are more in touch with their sexuality and are more ambitious when it comes to solving problems and getting what they want. I think this is due to their higher testosterone level, but even more so, the double standard in our society that still represses the majority of women.

It’s interesting to note that most of my clients divulge things to me in our first session that they haven’t revealed to the real psychologist they’ve been meeting with for months. It’s important to address the deep, dark sexual secrets, because they influence everything on the surface – it’s all connected.

Here are the top reasons people seek me out for guidance:

They need an atheist priest.

I’m the only person in the real world who knows that Lenny likes wearing pantyhose. Or that John wants to find a dominatrix. Or that Jenny has rape fantasies.

They feel guilty about something. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “Well, I was raised Catholic…”

They need someone they can be open and honest with, someone who won’t judge them, someone who is fluent in the language of sexuality.

They have baggage.

The baggage society weighs you down with can weigh a TON. Often people will repeat the same mistakes over and over, getting with a man who treats them as crappy as their last partner, who is echoing neglect from their father.

Something terrible happened to them years ago.

Someone wronged them.

They screwed up.

They still pine for their “true love.”

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Hygge

By Kendra Holliday | February 21, 2015

Do the right thing.

Do the right thing.

I used to HATE winter, but then I learned about hygge.

What is hygge?

Hygge is a Danish word that translates into: “GET COZY AND HAPPY EVEN THOUGH IT’S FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE!”

Well, here is what the Visit Denmark website says:

“Hard to explain and even harder to pronounce, the Danish word hygge (pronounced ‘hooga’) roughly translates to ‘coziness’. In essence, hygge means creating a warm atmosphere and enjoying the good things in life with good people. The warm glow of candlelight is hygge. Friends and family – that’s hygge too. There’s nothing more hygge than sitting round a table, discussing the big and small things in life. Perhaps hygge explains why the Danes are the happiest people in the world!”

Turning a negative into a positive = LIFE’S SECRET WEAPON.

I have a Norwegian friend and I make him pronounce it for me. Over and over, hee! As an ignorant, but now *enlightened* American, it’s a tricky word to say! But at least I know how to DO IT.

Since I learned about hygge, I’ve surrounded myself with glowing candles, soft scarves and blankets, warm spirits, and cozy-inducing activities. Mood lighting and inviting textures are KEY. Group sex is optional. :)

While the ice pelted down on us like pop rocks last night, I had an amazing foursome with some loved ones. We were one big, erotic cuddle pile!

Here are some examples of MY hygge – I range from sweet to sexxxy:

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Crazy Little Thing Called Love – No, Limerence

By Kendra Holliday | February 19, 2015

Are you obsessed with
the wrong person?

“Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in.” – Robert Seidenberg

I have two close friends who are suffering from limerence.

From Wikipedia:

Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person.

Some of the components:

– Intrusive thinking about the limerent object. (Note the word “object” used here when referring to a human being. The thoughts become pretty possessive.)

– Acute longing for reciprocation.

– Unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence.

– Intensification through adversity.

– Acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition, with one’s mood being affected by the limerent object’s actions.

I’ve experienced limerence many times in my life. The first time was in 5th grade when I freakishly obsessed over Michael Jackson. The second time was in 7th grade when I became obsessed with Duran Duran. I thought about Simon Le Bon’s sperm a little too much, let me tell you.

When limerence is mutual, it’s magical. It’s New Relationship Energy. It can fuel you for weeks, even months, until you get to a more simmering, contented love destination.

When limerence is one-sided, that pretty much puts you in the “stalker” category. One-sided limerence cloaks a person in delusion, false hope. You’re lovesick. When you’re under the spell of limerence, you are never bored. Nor are you mentally healthy. Your energy is being channeled down a dead end street.

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My Top Sex-Positive Recommendations

By Kendra Holliday | February 18, 2015

I weigh a size 8

Kendra Holliday!

I offer sex and relationship consulting, and I’m happy to say that I’ve been getting more women, LGBT folks, and couples these days. Historically, most of the people who have sought me out for my unique services have been men who crave female energy.

The Top 5 reasons why people contact me are, in this order:

1. He’s a married man in his 50’s or 60’s whose wife is not interested in sex (mismatched libido)

2. He/she/they have some sort of sexual issue they want to work through, such as inexperience, anxiety, or penis problems

3. He/she/they are interested in branching out sexually, either because they are in transition, not getting laid, or curious about alternative lifestyle options (non-monogamy, BDSM, sex work, etc.)

4. He has a fetish and is ashamed/seeking an outlet

5. They want to meet me, and possibly rub me for good luck

———

My goal is to offer tools, connections, and non-traditional options so that the people seeking me out can reach their goal of becoming happier and healthier. My approach is unconventional, and I get referrals from licensed sex therapists. I’m pretty well connected and have a strong network. Sex is my specialty, which ties into work, family, personal – everything!

Here is a list of resources I most often recommend to my clients:

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Cowboy Ethics

By Kendra Holliday | February 17, 2015

Do y’all know about Cowboy Ethics?

I keep the book by my bed, right next to the condoms, candles, and lube. It’s like my bible.

Do you follow The Code of the West?

Do you follow The Code of the West?

It’s also like porn to me – totally sexy. People who possess Cowboy Ethics TURN ME ON.

So, what are these good qualities that make me drool and take notice?

I’m not talking about rodeos and eating steak and slinging guns and chewing tobacco. I do like country music, however – it’s so sentimental! And I LOVE country living – give me a cabin in the woods any day!

Do the right thing.

Do the right thing.

Here’s what I’m talking about.

People with Cowboy Ethics are rugged. They are patient. They are passionate. They don’t quit. They have a heightened sense of justice. They do the right thing.

Some people come by their Cowboy Ethics honestly – it’s effortless for them. Others need training, like me! I strive to live by the Code of the West.

Here are the ten tenets – how many of these ring true to you? Which ones do you need to work on?

1. Live each day with courage.

Be brave. Be strong. Conquer your fears. Courage means “to have heart.” Having courage means doing what is right, even when it scares the living daylights out of you. Be true to yourself.

Talking openly and honestly about my intensely personal and kinky sex life, and posting photos of myself naked – right down to my hairy armpits and shaved pussy – being intimate with the world, sharing myself with strangers – that takes courage.

Don’t be a coward. Face your fears. Replace the fear with LOVE.

2. Take pride in your work.

My top three priorities are my daughter, my life’s passion (sex and relationships), and work (making money). Luckily, some of these things overlap. I’m a single mom, so I have to bust a move if I want to take my daughter on a nice trip or splurge on renting a fancy house for a play party.

I have a day job I don’t love, but I take it seriously and have pride in my work. I also work at Wash U as a Gynecological Teaching Associate. I give talks for medical professionals. I work with licensed sex therapists. I mentor women interested in sex work. I absolutely LOVE my work as a counselor and sex surrogate. That is where my true talent lies, and where I make a real difference in people’s lives.

You should always try to leave people, places, and things in better condition than you found them.

It’s good to have more than one way to make money. Be diverse in your skills, but also be an expert in something. Be passionate! What are your top three priorities? What are you passionate about?

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30 Shades of Great Erotica

By Kendra Holliday | February 16, 2015

Everyone is bitching about how terrible 50 Shades of Grey is. I’m no exception.

Yes, it sucks.

So where can you find GOOD erotica – the kind that will jump start a million libidos and celebrate kinky creativity?

Writing is not easy, but based on all the incredibly shitty erotica out there, it must be especially hard to craft this genre. You have to use the right words and flow to elicit feelings of arousal, rather than cringing. It’s a delicate balance. Plus, it can be pretty subjective. Some people hate the word “cunt,” while others can’t stand the term “nether lips.”

I asked friends and readers for their recommendations, and came up with this extensive list of 30 Shades of Great! Thank you to everyone who contributed!

Are you ready to check one of these out?

Are you ready to check one of these out?

1. Sleeping Beauty Trilogy – this one was mentioned the most. You should probably check it out.

2.Literotica – Hit and miss, but LOTS to explore. My favorite category is Incest/Taboo.

3. Lady Chatterly’s Lover

4. Anais Nin – I remember being so shocked and turned on reading the scene where a group of men pin down a woman and let a big, shaggy dog lick her pussy. I also got really disturbed and turned on reading about the man who found a freshly drowned body and had his way with it.

5. The Story of O - female submission galore

6. Rachel Kramer Bussel – The Big Book of Orgasms

7. Exit to Eden – more Anne Rice BDSM

8. Genesis Deflowered - the Bible is already salacious enough, but this author fleshes out some scenes…

9. My Secret Garden – published the year I was born! These fantasies are timeless…

10. Forbidden Flowers – encore to Secret Garden

11. Kushiel’s Legacy series by Jacqueline Carey – I’ve read this, it’s pretty good. Hell, you know it’s good when you remember certain scenes and incorporate them into your own fantasies – the one that stands out to me is when the slave girl is in the great hall and is presented to a Lord as a gift, and his Lady watches him take the slave girl on the table…

12. Whip Smart – memoir of a college student working as a dominatrix

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The Bonobo Way

By Kendra Holliday | February 15, 2015

The Bonobo Way, by Dr. Susan Block

The Bonobo Way, by Dr. Susan Block

We all know that humans are not unfeeling objects, right? – despite the mainstream media trying to push us in that direction. From what I can gather, our society tends to regard natural bodies and animals with contempt.

Here is what mainstream seems to like:

Robots

Mannequins

Screens

Fake

Fear

No body hair

No body fluid

No emotions

FUCK.

THAT.

NEWSFLASH: We ARE animals. Mammals, in fact. Primates, actually. We have body hair, fluids, feelings.

We are born natural (nature!) and can remain that way, if we wish.

We can fake or freak our way through life, or we can go The Bonobo Way.

We can REPLACE THE FEAR WITH LOVE.

You can read all about it in Dr. Susan Block’s book by the same title.

It’s very difficult for me to write about this book, because I want to share every single detail. There is not one sentence I disagree with. I could have written it myself, as it shares all my unconventional, sex-positive sentiments, except I didn’t – Dr. Suzy did, and you need to heed this good Doctor’s advice!

She writes in an extremely engaging, reassuring style, full of cute metaphors and alliteration. Yes, she has a freak flag and she’s not afraid to let it fly, but she keeps the tone very safe for bonobo beginners. She’s a REAL sex therapist who employs non-traditional methods for treating couples and individuals dealing with sex and relationship issues.  She offers solutions for bored couples, inorgasmic and uninspired women, inexperienced men, men suffering from anxiety when being intimate with a woman, and more.

One of her first steps for learning the Bonobo Way is to watch bonobos in action. If you can’t see them in the wild or in a zoo (they are only found in about 20 zoos in the world), you can find footage online.

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Demeter Massage Oil

By Kendra Holliday | February 9, 2015

I’ll cut right to the chase – Demeter Fragrance collection has their massage oils on sale this week. You can choose from over 200 scents – from typical to extraordinary.

demeter-fragrance

Demeter fragrances

This is an image of the goddess Demeter – she’s the goddess of harvest, fertility, life and death:

The goddess Demeter

The goddess Demeter

Just look at that little bunny by her feet!

I found this on a fun website with beautiful artwork that profiles all the Greek gods, goddesses, and mythical creatures called Greek Mythology Pantheon.

This massage oil sale is the perfect deal for lovers and those who like being touched. WHO DOESN’T LIKE BEING TOUCHED? Especially in an attentive, sensual manner?

Even when the massage oil is not on sale, it’s still a good price.

So here is what you do: you go to the Demeter website, and each of you gets to pick out your scent of choice. Eagerly await its arrival. They always include a free gift with purchase. You can order sample smells as well for only $2.50 each. I always do. That’s how I found out that New Zealand smells like the ocean, and Thunderstorm smells like ozone. (If you’re curious about any of the scents, they have reviews posted for most of them, and you can also ask me – I’ve tried almost all of them. But of course, scents are highly personal and subjective!)

Then, you dedicate a block of time to that person and scent.

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My New Profile Pic

By Kendra Holliday | February 6, 2015

Background story to my new profile pic on this site, twitter, and facebook:

On Holliday!

On Holliday!

I know it’s blurry and raw, but it perfectly captures my spontaneous, happy, natural, sex-positive essence, right down to the little sparkling gem over my heart! You can even glimpse a bit of underarm hair, which a lot of men L O V E.

In other words, I’m freshly fucked!

Here is how the gem looked before I got naked. We were having a fancy dinner:

* Sparkle! *

* Sparkle! *

The night these photos were taken was a special night – a kinky client from out of town had an unusual request. He was in town for business, and he booked a fancy suite in a luxury hotel with grand marble floors and the smell of gingerbread wafting through the opulent corridors – it was December and they had a huge gingerbread house with sugar glass windows and a roof dripping with white icing, constructed in the lobby by a team of chefs.

While he was out for dinner with clients, he invited me to use his room – with my man. He wanted to come back from dinner and find his bed used, the scent of sex lingering.

I was VERY happy to oblige!

Here are some other pics from the evening:

Glimpse

Glimpse

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Should I See a Sex Worker?

By Kendra Holliday | February 1, 2015

Remember reader Creideiki who posted about his first time with a sex worker? Here are some thoughts he wanted to share with other men pondering the idea:

========

Victoria's Secret

Mmm, Victoria’s Secret lingerie

Recently a male friend of Creideiki’s lamented:

“I am coming up on nine years without sex and it’s eating away at my self esteem, and making me suspect that women regard me with a basic contempt, at least romantically. Pretty much the last time I had successful sexual intercourse, my daughter was conceived. There have been a few unsuccessful attempts during those years, but I prefer not to think about that.

So the question is – what do I do about this? I’ve tried dating and that hasn’t worked out. I’m no good at picking up women, and prostitutes are out because I have no way of confirming they are doing so of their own free will.

I’d like to change the situation but have no clue how to do so except to continue my flailing dating life. Suggestions are welcome.”

Creideiki sent him the following message:

Hey Friend, I used to be in a similar boat and thought prostitutes were out. But when I started researching it, I learned a lot about the industry – and a lot about myself.

I can teach you the ropes if this is a route you want to take, but before you decide, I would encourage you to answer the questions below for yourself.

1. Why do you want to have sex? I realize the instinctive answer to this question is most likely, “well, DUH!” I was in a good place mentally, but my sex drive was getting very strong and I just felt like it was way past time for relief. For me, though, the full answer was more complex. I felt like I had literally forgotten how to have sex, and had forgotten how it felt to be with a woman. Plus I was, frankly, petrified of going into a sexual situation with a girlfriend after such a long layoff and not remembering what to do. I wanted to experience sex again, while my health and some of my youth remained.

2. How much do you want to spend? I developed a budget for seeing sex workers. No, seriously. My criteria was that I would spend money on sexual companionship only after all of my other financial obligations were taken care of. That included bills with aggressive paydown of debt, putting budgeted money in my two savings accounts, and paying for my aboveboard activities such as (legit) dating and dancing. I set up my life deliberately to live below my means, so that I would have financial flexibility, and that gives me financial space to see providers. In my area the going rate for an hour with an escort is $200, and for the so-called “elite” escorts their rates can be $500 or more. That’s substantial money, even on my very good income.

3. What are your ethics for this? In the U.S., paying for sex is illegal in 49 states, so the sex industry ends up being a very gray unregulated free market, unlike in other countries, such as this openly advertised “Babes of London” escort service in England. When I was researching seeing a provider, I found that there were providers who were independent, and in the sex industry of their own free will. Streetwalkers were never considered, and I eliminated the so-called “Asian Massage Parlors” from consideration because of human trafficking concerns. Rachel, my first, and so far, only provider, is an independent woman who chose to go into sex work after working in the corporate world. For me, if they are in it of their own volition, especially if they have other career choices, that rests well with my ethics, and I see no ethical dilemma in paying for their services. Almost invariably, it’s the women who are 30 years old and older who fit this profile.

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myLAB Box – Safe is Sexy!

By Kendra Holliday | January 25, 2015

As a promiscuous sex worker and educator who has had the pleasure of hundreds of sexual partners, I get tested for STI’s on a regular basis. I’ve tried all kinds of options – my private doctor, Planned Parenthood, county health clinics… (I’ve compiled a list of local resources on the SEX+STL Links page, under “Sexual Health”.) Some are cheap and take two weeks to get results, some are pricey but fast, some are creepy and judgmental.

Well guess what? I just added a new, very cool sex-positive option!

It’s called myLAB Box.   TA DA!

myLAB Box allows you to test yourself at home!

myLAB Box allows you to test yourself at home!

It’s like a pre-party in a box! HA!

Before you jump into your next orgy or TBK Party, you should read this very practical guide on STDs by Mark Manson, and make plans to get tested.

I just tried out myLAB Box, and it was great!

After reading this scary article that St. Louis ranks highest in the nation for cases of chlamydia and gonorrhea, I thought that would be a good package to purchase. At $80, that’s about $40 per test – not bad!

Here’s how it worked for me:

1. I went on the website and ordered my tests.

Reading is sexy!

Reading is sexy!

2. I got myLAB Box kit delivered via UPS, straight away and right to my front door.

3. I spread the kit out on my table and carefully read all the instructions. The instructions were easy to follow and it only took five minutes to collect the sample.

4. I washed my hands and collected my sample in the bathroom – one vaginal swab for both the tests. (You can even turn it into a medical roleplay scene, hee hee!)

5. They provide you with the correct shipping stuff to return it easily – a biohazard bag, box, lab form, even a ready-to-mail UPS pouch.

6. I dropped my package off at UPS (you can arrange for pickup as well).

7. Within the week, I got an email that my test results were ready to be viewed online.

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My Daughter and Me

By Kendra Holliday | January 25, 2015

This is a picture of my daughter and me, from half her life ago:

My daughter and me

My daughter and me

She was 7 in this picture. Now she’s 14!

FOURTEEN.

TEENAGER.

She is slightly bigger than me. I never imagined that! Taller, bigger boobs, feet, etc. But we’re still pretty close in size, and share clothes.

We also share a super intimate, platonic relationship. She’s my top priority. We’re both proud of each other, and we’re both moody and crazy women. We share an unconditional love; accepting each other for who we are.

She is fine with me being a super slut goddess, and I am fine with her being a panromantic graysexual.

So last weekend, when I needed to attend a SEX+STL roleplay talk at Shameless Grounds, I told her I was going to the talk and would be back in a couple hours.

She immediately piped up, “Oh can I go?”

She’s geeky and loves roleplay.

I said, “You don’t understand. This is SEX roleplay talk.”

She snorted. “Of course I understand. Why wouldn’t it be about sex if it was one of your events? I’m curious about these things and I think I can handle it.”

Unconvinced but open to the idea, I negotiated, “If you go, do you agree that will let me know if you are uncomfortable at any time and would like to leave? And do you agree that we can talk openly about it afterward?”

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Cabin 2015

By Kendra Holliday | January 18, 2015

This was our seventh year at the cabin! Such a magical place to reconnect!

The drive there is always fun – we stop in small towns and look for weird and new things to explore. You know, like the world’s largest rocking chair.

One outpost has moonshine tastings – 12 different kinds! We got apple pie and egg nog flavor, which is amazing in root beer.

Cuba, MO has an Amish store where we bought the most amazing cinnamon rolls.

Finally, we arrived at the cabin in the woods, near a lake:

Cabin in the woods!

Cabin in the woods!

As soon as we got there, he built a fire and made us whiskey cocktails. In celebration, I threw my panties on the fire – I couldn’t help myself! They were kindof ugly anyway. No undies for the rest of the weekend! We mostly stayed in robes or were naked.

We brought loads of pillows and super soft blankets to snuggle up in by the fire. One of them is a fake fur pattern – made me feel like we were in a cave!

I loved stroking the fur, and then my soft tummy, sipping hot toddies and reading gorgeous books, the fire crackling and throwing warm light:

Soft blankets, soft tummy

Soft blankets, soft tummy

We had an amazingly hot roleplay scene in the hot tub (SEX+STL is giving a roleplay talk today!)

Here is the path leading to the hot tub:

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Cabin Advent Calendar

By Kendra Holliday | January 9, 2015

We disappear here.

THIS IS OUR SEVENTH YEAR AT THE CABIN!!!! HEADING THERE NOW…………………………

Matthew and I go to the cabin every winter, and about two months prior, we start getting CABIN FEVER.

A couple days ago, he texted me: “I hope each morning, you’re opening the Cabin Advent Calendar in your head.”

I sure am! Do you want a peek inside? Open each little window and it will reveal:

Maker’s Mark
truck
drunk
gluttony
lust
orgasms
smoke
bourbon cake
weed
hot tub
robes
fireplace
massage oil

Beard.

cum

country music
cabin playlist – example!
old traditions
new ideas
movies
heat
anal
love
warmth
cock
sex-scented beard
fantasy
roleplay
escape
sleep
connection
spanking
squrim
scream
pain
tears
us
timeless

yes

yes

yes

..

.

Back to the Cabin!

By Kendra Holliday | January 8, 2015

We’ll be sitting in front of this in about 12 hours!

This is our sixth year going to The Cabin!

It’s our favorite yearly ritual – stealing away right between the holidays and giving ourselves the best gift – time for just the two of us.

For 72 hours, we’ll be living in our own private universe where time and the internet doesn’t exist. In between all the fucking and frolicking, we’ll stoke the fire and eat cake at 2am, watch a movie, float away in the hot womb of the jacuzzi, listen to music playlists that celebrate different aspects of our lives, sip Maker’s Mark hot toddies at 6am…

Previous years have been epic. Last year was a Beethoven theme. Other themes have been BDSM, Ginger, Videos, Western…

I think this year’s theme will be Game of Thrones…

He is my Sun and Stars… I am the moon of his life.

We’ll be far, far away, experiencing something new, and something positively familiar. We’ve had another whole year to strengthen our bond.

Funny how driving four hours from both our houses feels like coming home.

He wrote this note to me four years ago, and it still holds true:

We need a cabin for a weekend together,
undress beside the ashes of the fire.
Your white gown smells of burning leaves.
It’s cold outside but I penetrate you with heat.
I keep you with every inch of my soul.
I love you.
I hate you.
I AM over you, peering down upon you worn and wet.
Reverting to your fetal shape in a torrent of emotion.
I am the man who defines you.
You are the woman who adores me.
A Burgundy box of worthless treasure in priceless proportions.
I will soak the thorny stem I place on your grave.
I am over you, in ALL ways.
We, Dear Slut, are far from over…..

 

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