Kinky Stories & Relationship / Sex Advice

SinFive Insigno

By The Beautiful Kind

You'd think I'd get the hang of sex toys by now, but no. Every time I get a new one in, I sit around fumbling with it like a chimp trying to figure out how to get bananas out of a combination safe.

Enter the SinFive Insigno. Looks like a standard, high quality, classy vibrator, no?

(Why only five sins? Which two got excluded from the design process? Wrath, I hope, but what about the other one? Gluttony? OH I see - it comes with a FIVE YEAR GUARANTEE. In that case, it should be called VirtueFive!)

I pulled it out of its sleek white packaging and didn't even have to run and grab batteries - it came with two AA's - how nice! Sticking them in, it automatically turned on, one speed only, and I couldn't get it to turn off without unscrewing the bottom. I couldn't find the on/off switch.

Shit, I got a defective one! I worried, then shook the box. Ah, there was an instruction booklet stashed under the packaging shell.

Snatching it out and reading it, I promptly realized I had the batteries in backwards, so I fixed that and kept scanning through all that annoying 14-other-languages-besides-English stuff. ...German, Italian, Dutch, French, Suomi, Polish, bingo!

The instructions pointed out the subtle plus and minus buttons near the base of the vibe, which allowed a wide array of speeds, strength and pulse styles. The location and design of the buttons prevents you from accidentally pressing one in the heat of the moment.

It's made of this really flexible antimicrobial silicone that won't disturb your sensitive vaginal flora balance and comes in three shades - light pink, dark pink, and purple.

But what I got the biggest kick out of was the raised fleur-de-lis pattern decorating the shaft. This earned it the nickname

My French Penis.

Even though it's made in Germany like all the good sex toys. I brought it over to Beast's for a playdate.

To go along with the theme, we put in the movie Delta of Venus, an Anais Nin adaptation set in Paris. He was skeptical, but I assured him it was NC-17.

Check out this clip!

And anyway, we usually talk through the boring parts and then pay attention once things get steamy. Which they did often, thank goodness.

He asked to see the toy and I handed it over to him in the dark, and he immediately flipped it on with no problem. It purred quietly, as though satisfied to be in such capable hands.

"Show off!" I exclaimed. "It took me 10 minutes of reading the manual to figure out how it works! I thought I'd have to learn German in order to use it!" He smirked. He's used to me being a dork.

At one point he had the French Penis trained on my cunt as he commanded me to watch the gorgeous pale redhead on the screen get ravished by an even more gorgeous ebony man. He knows how much I love that, but we both wonder why so often in movies fucking is portrayed as a slow and twisty movement in the man's hips instead of proper urgent thrusting. Oh well, it was still hot.

Oui, oui, oui!

As soon as I came, he switched gears.

"Take off your socks," he ordered.

That, my friends, is the universal sign that I'm about to get pissed on, the weatherman's way of saying, "Golden showers heading your way."

"I want you to fuck that thing in the tub while I piss and cum all over you."

Good thing it's waterproof!

I trotted to the bathroom and assumed the position. I loved the blunt tip and flexible give of the toy. I fucked it like a rock star playing his electric guitar. We enjoyed a spectacular, messy finish. Clean up on Aisle Me!

But it wasn't NEARLY as messy as we got a few nights later. I'll post that wet-n-wild adventure next week!