The book King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine explores the archetypes of the mature masculine. Men who act out, have temper tantrums or are violent – jerks, bullies, know-it-alls and thugs – haven’t reached their full potential. The spoiled little princes of the world have work to do if they aspire to be superior men – if they want to be King.

So how do you become King? Here is the book that perfectly mirrors our relationship dynamic: The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. I underlined the shit out of this book. There’s no way I can feature all the awesome points, so please get a copy for yourself if you’re interested in tapping in to what makes our relationship so explosively orgasmic and fulfilling.

My partner Matthew hasn’t read the book, but that’s ok – he’s living it.

Here’s the premise. In order to have a passionate relationship with someone, you need to adopt a feminine and masculine contrast. It doesn’t matter who possesses the masculine or feminine – you can be a masculine female/feminine male couple, or a masculine female/feminine female couple, etc. The author maintains that 80% of people lean one way or the other – they either want to be ravished or do the ravishing.

For the most part, Matthew does the ravishing and I greatly enjoy it, I soak it up like a slutty sponge. But every once in a while, we’ll turn the tables and I’ll ravish HIM, which is just as fun and exciting. If neither of us assumed the ravishing mode, things would be more even keel. And boring.

That’s what happens in so many relationships – after the thrill of new relationship energy dies down, we get lazy and slip out of Lover role and become Managers, Caregivers, and Roommates. Then we take our partner for granted and lose respect for them and the sex turns lukewarm and resentment sets in.

So many men complain to me about how their wife doesn’t want to have sex with them, which makes him feel hurt and rejected. The reason the wife is cold to him is because she doesn’t respect him. The reason she doesn’t respect him is because he has let her down.

This is one of the books I recommend most. Click here to view my list of Top Sex-Positive Recommendations.

What do you do when, as a single person, you have a pretty great life but you also know that there are times when you miss having someone special in my life? I believe many of us live our lives and don’t really tell our partner who we really are and what we really want and expect. It’s not that we’re intentionally dishonest; it’s just that a lot of things seem to go unspoken in so many relationships. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want someone who knows me and who gets me-the real me. I want, and would expect, the same thing from her as well. The truth is, I think most of us settle in one way or another. I can compromise but I can’t and I won’t settle. I have decided that I would far prefer to be alone than be with the wrong person. I’m not looking for perfection; I’m looking for a potential partner, compatibility (in and out of the bedroom) and someone who is perfect for me!

Let’s face it – looks do matter, but it’s not everything. I tend to like women who are, in my opinion, hot but slightly different, and I mean different in a good way. Something that you don’t see everyday. Do you wear glasses and/or have bangs? Are you deeper than average and intelligent in a way that not everyone gets? Do you sometimes wonder how people would react if they only knew what you really thought? Do you ever find yourself listening to someone and thinking to yourself “what is this person thinking”? Do you yearn for something different and satisfying? I see women sometimes and I can’t help but think “she’s so cute but I wonder if there’s a wild woman underneath that facade?” I suppose you could say I’m like many men in that I kind of want a woman in public-well most of the time-and a freak in the bedroom. It’s not a requirement, but I think I’d like someone younger who prefers an older man and someone with a decent build, someone within a few years either way of 35 or so would probably be the best fit. I like heels-not flats. I also love dress up and sexy lingerie. If you’re into it, latex can be great on special occasions, too! When we’re going out casually, I love the look of a woman in jeans and a baseball cap or a beautiful dress.

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I love to explore.

(For some background on polyamory, please read my article Love Like An Ocean: Diving Deep Into Polyamory.)

My partner and I have been together for more than five years. We first met July 2007, at a friend’s wedding. We are in a long-term, committed open relationship. We started our relationship open. We don’t live together. We see each other about 2 or 3 times a week. We are open to countless possibilities when it comes to sharing intimacy with other people. We deeply enjoy and appreciate our non-traditional relationship.

But it certainly isn’t a reckless free-for-all. In order to keep it healthy and drama-free, we constantly communicate with each other to ensure ways we can exercise our freedom while operating on mutual respect.

Outlined below is an arrangement that works for us.

It can be difficult balancing everything, but this is how we prioritize:

1. Kids

2. Jobs

3. Our relationship

4. The people we are dating

5. Social/volunteer/misc.

Sometimes we will date a person or couple once or twice, or just for a weekend when they come visit. Sometimes we will date a person or couple for a few months or longer. Usually lives change and shift so much that we ebb and flow into things naturally. It feels very fluid. We can date other people solo, or together.

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Not only are nipples too freaky for mainstream, but apparently, so are vulvas. Of course.

We love women, but we fear them. We crave feminine energy, but we need to water it down, otherwise it will destroy us. Or remind us we are animals or something gross like that.

Case in point: here’s a shot from a 2013 Playboy spread:

You can’t handle the truth.

This woman was carved like a digital sculpture. She has been reduced to an hourglass shape, because apparently, that is all you can handle. You are a simple man, and you can only handle simple shapes. A wisp of a woman.

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Me enjoying sexytime. Photo by Mike Estes

Before I dig in here, read this article: The Orgasm Gap – The Real Reason Women Get Off Less Often Than Men and How to Fix It The gap between men’s and women’s frequency of orgasm is impacted by social forces that give priority to male pleasure.

OK, now I want to cover this recent article in the NYTimes Magazine called There May Be a Pill For That: The pharmaceutical quest to give women a better sex life.

The article is based off a new book (with a really boring cover design) coming out called What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire, by Daniel Bergner.

Basically, the drug industry has come up with a pill they’re trying to market as the Viagra for women. Their latest attempt is called Lybrido.

I’m serious, people. Millions of dollars are going into the research and development of this serious issue, and they hope to cash in and make millions selling it. Viagra is a great cash bull – now they want their cash cow.

So, why do some women lose their sex drive over time?

Is it because shame is wrongly associated with sex in our culture? Number of sexual partners and masturbation rates are heavily influenced by culture.

What about fear or disgust? Our mainstream culture puts out the vibe that sex is something to fear, it’s dangerous, messy, will get you into trouble. We’re also told that women’s bodies must look a certain way. If a woman doesn’t feel good about her body, she won’t be so willing to share herself with others.

Is it due to H.S.D.D. (Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder)? Is that a valid disorder? Can a pill fix it? Or is the woman suffering ennui? Should we take pills that aim to cure boredom, or should we try a different approach?

Is it because some women shut down after they have fulfilled their reproductive obligation?

Is it due to their partner’s disrespecting them or taking them for granted? Lack of communication?

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