The Father, The Son, and The Wholly Man

By Matthew | June 21, 2015

“Fatherhood” by Viktor Mikhaylovich Vasnetsov

Ed Note: This is a guest post by my partner, Matthew. He is the father of two children.

A couple of weeks ago, I started hearing the yearly buzz of “Father’s Day” gifts, salutations and tributes.  I started thinking a bit more in depth on the subject of Fatherhood and what it means to me.

Being a Father is synonymous to me with being a man. I hear so many people speak of “men” they know or have connections with and then start divulging details about these people.

I know women who demand flowers from their husbands as a way of apologizing for an act of relationship treason.

I know women who are dating “men” right now, but speak of nothing but their shortcomings.

I know of “men” whose wives have gotten up and walked away from them while they were eating her pussy.

I know of “men” who don’t make an effort to spend time with their children.

I know of “men” who can’t separate business from pleasure and vice versa.

I know of “men” who are so weak themselves, that they show their “strength” by preying on the eager and ignorant.

I know women who have settled for a “man”.

I know of “men” who live in their mother’s basement.

I know of “men” who can’t dress themselves.

I am sure you know plenty of “men” like this as well.

If a man has children, they are his number one priority.

When I got married, I knew it was the best thing to do at the time. When I had children, I knew it was the best thing to do at the time. When I got divorced, I knew it was the best thing to do at the time.

After my divorce, I waited for a few months until I unlocked the dating door. I needed to get my head back on straight before I allowed any more variables into my equation. I needed to make sure I was healthy for my children. I knew that I needed to take care of me first.

When I started dating, I made sure that every woman I came across understood two things:
1. They would never be number one in my life.
2. They would not soon meet my children.

I don’t recall any of them having a problem with that.

A man doesn’t NEED a woman, he HAS a woman. 

I love Kendra like I have no other, and I plan to keep it that way for as long as possible. She is a truly amazing woman and understands who I am. She affords me the freedom that I afford her.

If I needed to, however, I could absolutely live my life without her. Do I want to do that? NO. Are you fucking crazy?!?!? There is a big difference between want and need.  My eyes are open and I see what I have.

I WANT her. I HAVE her. She IS mine.

A man understands his pride and it is in balance with his reality.

I will be the first one to tell you that my ego doesn’t need a boost.  When I say that to people they nod in agreement but not disbelief. They aren’t shocked by my assertion because they know I mean it and can see it themselves.

A man can accept any emotion, from anyone, and deal with it accordingly.

The positive emotions are relatively easy to accept, the negative ones are the ones that really need attention. I think of myself as an emotional sponge in that regard. Whenever I see tears, I absorb them, soak them up and recycle them. When presented with a problem, I immediately start the solution process.

A man can adapt to any situation at any time and understands his role.

From my personal life to my business I am constantly morphing to suit the environment.  I answer to people at one, but not the other.  I accept that completely and have no issue with fulfilling, and often times exceeding expectations in both.

A man wants the people he cares about to be happy and feel loved above all else.

I hold no grudges against my ex-wife and I truly want her to be happy. I would lend her my bed so she and her boyfriend could have sex on it without a second thought. Even though I don’t think of her as often as I used too, I still want to see her happy. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem that she feels the same about me, which is fine for me, but not so much for her.

A man does not need approval from others.

I make the choices I make because I believe in them. If people trust you, they will trust your choices as well. If they see that you are happy, but are not happy for you, then they do not trust you. Let them be until they decide to trust you.

A man demands respect only in the ratio that he offers it.

I am all about mutual respect, but I do know a lot of people who do not deserve my respect.  In turn, I am not the least bit concerned if they respect me or not.

A man doesn’t dwell on the past, nor does he live there.

I choose not to stagnate in life.  I see so many people who hold grudges and can’t move on.  To me that is a choice those people make.   We all have things in the past that we are proud of (or not), but what you do in the present dictates the path of your life and the quality therein.  I wink at the past, nod at the present and look to the future.

A man doesn’t need anyone to help him live his life.

A man understands that he is not what every woman needs nor wants.

A man can see a naked woman and not feel the need to have sex with her.

A man isn’t concerned with the size of his penis.

A man puts the pleasure of his partner before his own.

I will finish my sermon by paying homage to a great man- my father. I love him dearly and respect him completely.  I see myself in him. He sees himself in me. He is proud of me for doing things even better than he thinks he did. I can tell you- he did nothing wrong as far as I am concerned. If I could go back and change something about my childhood, I wouldn’t. I am a man because of it. My son will be a man because of it.

When you celebrate Father’s Day, I hope you can accordingly….by honoring a great man.  I know I will.

All the Best,

Matthew

Comments

kaedyn 2011-06-11 15:32:09

I just wanted to say that this was an excellent post, and partly because some of it I knew and had forgotten, some I practiced but not nearly enough of the time, and some things had never clicked. You have, certainly, made a huge impact on my life today.

Thank you, Sir!

Reply

    Matthew 2011-06-13 08:28:36

    Thank YOU!

    Reply

Kevin Chan 2012-06-17 11:28:02

Thanks so much for this post Matthew! I’m 23 and recently broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I know that a man shouldn’t need a girl because he’s secure and all, but breaking up made me confront my inner neediness and insecurities. Any suggestions on moving on and growing as a more secure man?

Saving your wise words in my journal so that I can revisit this! 😀

Reply

    Matthew 2012-06-17 12:15:48

    Kevin- Thank you. I absolutely understand where you’re coming from, as I’ve been there..in fact just about every man has. The fact that you’re examining your feelings, and response to this particular situation, is a great sign! Want and need are two similar, yet very different, elements of life…only one of them can you live without. It seems to me that you are on the best path…the one to true manhood. Moving forward always and in all ways. 😉

    Reply

Kevin 2012-06-17 18:47:45

You are wise beyond your years Mathew…well said.

Reply

Jay 2012-06-19 12:23:54

Thank you for that. As a man still searching for himself, slowly realizing that he is no longer a boy and reconnecting with his own father your words resonated with strength. I believe that we must all recognize that we are never the epitome of any one thing. Any attempt to live up to the image of another person will be an exercise in futility.

As a man who is in a long term mono relationship that is turning into a poly relationship and finding that freedom truly benefits both parties (at least in my circumstance) your words ease some uncertainty. Somehow, your words managed to ‘click’ where others haven’t and I am very appreciative that you took the time to share this with us.

Reply

    Matthew 2012-06-20 18:28:03

    Jay- Thank you. I am truly glad you got something from it! Please share it with others you know. We need more true Men!!!! Be well and Often!!

    Reply

Dr Zoidberg 2012-07-11 16:16:43

Right on! It’s a shame we live in a society that feminizes our boys from a young age and tells them that their masculine feelings and intuitions are wrong and bad. Men, real men, are a rare breed these days.

Reply

PeterT 2012-10-11 03:53:05

Agree with a lot of the article content, very well written.

Sometimes however, being a man also means standing by your partner through the experience of realising you’re probably not going to be a father, that she’s not going to be a mother, despite the heartbreak of multiple IVF failures, and multiple miscarrages. It can also be about realising that you’re unfortunately not going to be able to be the great father everyone says you’ll be, and accepting that you only have your patner to dedicate your life to.

Reply

    Matthew 2012-10-12 17:33:22

    I agree with you. Man and Father are not synonymous by any means. However, you must be an authentic man to be an authentic father. Being a father does not make you a man.

    Reply

Michelle 2012-10-12 10:40:45

This should be a public service announcement to be viewed and learned from all over the world. Not to be one-sided, there needs to be the equivalent psa directed toward women. For each person that were to read and learn from the wisdom imparted here, the world would begin to change, humans to evolve on an intellectual, energetic and emotional level…

Your outlook, wisdom and words are inspiring, Matthew. As a woman, not all apply to me directly but indirectly, they lift my expectations to a higher level (and mine were already raised pretty high, but admittedly it took until my 30’s to get there). If I had been impacted by your words when I was 16 or 20 or 25, my relationships with others and with myself would have been different, for that I am certain.

Thank you for sharing.

Reply

    Matthew 2012-10-12 17:25:41

    Thank you for your thoughts and kind words. I am glad you liked my message. I agree that much of these could apply to women as well. I do beleive, though, that the majority of issues in our society stem from men and their issues.

    Please spread the word and share the link!

    Reply

Santa 2014-06-15 10:41:59

The BEST description of a man I’ve ever read!!!

Reply

Keith M 2014-06-15 10:58:47

Fantastic post! My wife just gave birth to twins 4 days ago. This was a great read from me and I appreciate you writing this. I’m going to save it so I can occasionally read it and be reminded of what it means to be a man and a father.

Reply

bimotarich 2014-06-16 08:35:00

Well said! Fathering is a tough business but one that once undertaken must be done with gusto and dedication… I am completely dedicated to my children… they come first… and despite the odd shape of my family they are of immense importance… Thanks for posting…

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WD 2014-06-16 18:25:25

Matthew, out of curiosity, what is your spirit animal? And I rank you a man among men. Keep up the authenticity and being a role model. Many men do not grow up with any initiation to manhood, especially in our society, what experiences have given you your wisdom and centeredness in your manhood?
Great article/posting. Blessings,
WD

Reply

Sandy 2014-07-07 10:44:07

Matthew, excellent post!!!!! The men who figure this out early in their adult lives are very few. Most are lucky to figure it out at all.

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DP 2015-06-21 23:23:28

Thank you for this post, and I really like what you have to say about fatherhood. I can get where you are coming from on fatherhood being synonymous with being a man. It’s always gotten under my skin a little bit when somebody says what one has to do or to be in order to be “a man.” My personal opinion is that someone who isn’t much of a father also isn’t much of a man. Gender pride, right? Otherwise I’m not sure how I feel about a checklist for manhood.

Reply

Ken P. 2015-06-23 18:20:58

Matthew, inspiring and insightful column. I envy your reality. I am also a father, having gained custody of my daughter in 1975. She and her husband have given me four grandsons. I greatly admire her because she didn’t favor her mother or me, but is her own person. I am old and gray, and choose to remember the good from my past and try not to repeat the mistakes. Life is much easier if it is taken one day at a time. Thank you.

Reply

Mildred 2015-06-27 22:16:45

Hi Matthew.
I’m a woman and most of what you said resonated with me too. I guess I consider masculinity as an energy we all contain to varying degrees.
I have just split up with my husband and I’m not a girl anymore, I’m a grown up lady ie. I’m not going to hop on every dick I find laying about just to feel desirable, or okay with myself or to hunt for a new boyfriend/husband. A relationship is a blessing, not a necessity.
Though I don’t have kids, this is about me, it’s about self-awareness – about sorting my head out. This is something I feel like men and women can learn from. You can’t just present your problems to your partner and then resent them because they won’t/can’t fix them.
I find it really ignorant when people complain that their husband or wife isn’t the carefree person they met all those years ago. We make our partners slaves to our egos and insecurities if we don’t let them EXIST in their own right.
You gotta be secure above all else, not NEEDING validation from others.
Thanks for the post Matthew! Thought provoking stuff!

Reply

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