By Kendra Holliday | August 6, 2013 at 10:52 am
The definition of Unicorn, Urban Dictionary: “Synonym for hot bi babe. A bisexual person, usually though not always female, who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not ask or do anything that might cause problems or inconvenience the established couple.”
Amaze your friends!
Be the talk of the water cooler!
Finally finish that bucket list!
So… just what exactly is the best way to land that elusive Unicorn?
It’s a pretty simple process, really:
Step 1: Contact ACME to purchase a SUPER DELUXE UNICORN TRAP™.
Step 2: Buy the optional Poly Fantasy™ and/or Sister Wife™ upgrade kit(s).
Step 3: Install aforementioned upgrades where applicable
Step 4: Bait the trap*
Step 5: Sit back and wait for the Hot Bi-Babes to come pouring in!
(…see footnotes below for more details!)
Believe it or not, that isn’t far off from how many in the “not-strictly-monogamous” communities tend to approach looking for that elusive “odd (wo)man out”. This approach fails on multiple levels – most notably because it treats the entire operation as a competition, the target of which will end up being captured, stuffed, and mounted as a valued prize, but is never *really* acknowledged as a human being… The object of this sort of fetish is really never more than an objective fantasy – even when that fantasy is borne of human flesh. Never mind that. WOOT! I HAD A THREESOME! YAY!
As it happens, I have more than a little experience in this regard. I am polyamorous, and more than once have been used as the meat of FFM and double-meat of MMF or MMM threesome sandwiches, and 3 of my 4 current committed female partners have been used (or pursued) as the creamy filling for many FFM threesomes.
We have all concluded that it isn’t fun to be a “thing” – the disposable part of someone else’s fantasy.
For what it’s worth, the sense of being used really doesn’t get any better when you are dealing with someone who claims to be “looking for a relationship”, but is actually just someone to fit into such a hyper-idealized mold that they couldn’t actually exist in the real world. You feel like pretty much the same sort of meat being picked over when you are cast aside because you’re not submissive enough, or because you have existing relationships, or don’t want to cut off ties to the outside world and move into their compound on the second date to raise their children and milk their cows… oh, and you will have to make the first move with *her* because while he knows she will be up for it when she gets warmed up, she has never actually been with a woman, and doesn’t actually know about any of this yet…
I am a firm believer that some fantasies are best *left* fantasies, if for no other reason than that such things tend to become inflationary. When we check something off of our “to do” list, we tend to go looking for the next thing on our list of things we haven’t done yet… and by the time you find yourself painted over in liquid latex and dog shit, ass-fucking the pygmy goat with a cattle prod shoved up your own ass, while the sweating, panting leather daddy struggles to take out his Prince Albert so he can nut his load up your left nostril before you pass out from asphyxiation… you *might* wonder if it might have simply been easier just to have kept that threesome fantasy rattling around in the back of your mental closet as a nice goal to shoot for “someday”… and and wonder what the hell else you could possibly have left in the world to fantasize about without actually resorting to necrophilia…
But for those out there that are still committed to the idea of closing the deal on finding the elusive HBB and having a threesome, I will offer a few proven, concrete, real-world examples of how to make that happen. I apologize up front that I am aiming this listing at the guys in the equation primarily, but quite frankly, after talking through most of this with folks it seems like more often than not, the biggest stumbling blocks to finding a third ends up being on the guy side of the equation:
1. Make an actual friend, with an actual human person. Don’t have goals beyond friendship. Don’t limit your friendship to people of any race, gender, or sexual orientation. The goal here is actually to expand your social circle. *DO* make friends with people who are open minded, sex-positive, and intelligent. *DON’T* be doing it because you want to score, or as a part of a ladder plan to get a threesome, but because a better class of friends will help make your LIFE better and richer and help get your head right, and put you in a place where you can also help others in your social circle meet *their* goals to be better people.
Ultimately, the reason you can’t find your third is that in your small circle of friends, that third doesn’t exist yet because your circle of true intimates is too small or limited by traditional societal norms, and by expanding that circle, you will eventually find someone that fits the bill. The problem with “being a couple” is often that you tend to get so focused on “us” that it often becomes so insular that you lose touch with the rest of the world. Actively seeking out new FRIENDS will help put you on the right path.
The “downside” here is that most people looking for a threesome aren’t looking for an actual relationship, and this actually requires quite a bit of work and a long-term focus that most might find to be somewhat disheartening if they are stuck on a threesome as an immediate “goal”. While this one might sound like the most ephemeral and vague of the suggestions, it is also the only one that I can attest to actually working with the relationship model.
My partners and I weren’t *looking* for our “Unicorn” when she showed up. At the time, I had three committed relationships and really wasn’t looking for anything more at all. I met her at a birthday party of a friend of one of my partners. She had been “back-doored” into polyamory when her husband came home one day and declared that they were suddenly a polyamorous couple… and oh yeah, he had been cheating on her for 13 years or so. She had eventually come to her own identity as a poly person and was intrigued by how well my discussions of polyamory at our friend’s birthday party and in later conversations jibed with her own, and ultimately ended up being attracted to me, as well as one of my partners. After much discussion and with no small trepidation, we would ultimately all march off into the pink fluffy stupid sunset together… much to our mutual shock and awe.
Again, not everyone is looking for a relationship. Some folks just want to close the deal on a one-time thing. For those who *aren’t* pursuing relationship the following options are still perfectly viable:
2. Pay for it. Believe it or not, this is probably going to be the surest and fastest bet for most folks. There are actually people who specialize in this sort of fantasy that are more than happy to help you out. If you get it in a state where prostitution is legal, or from a licensed sexual surrogate, you can be assured that the experience will be safe, hygienic, ethical. The added bonus is that that you won’t end up with some sort of bunny-boiler haunting you for the rest of your life because of a misunderstanding that happened when her ovaries and your dick were doing the thinking and neither of you were actually listening. Don’t be afraid to Cast Off Your Old Tired Ethics when you are compensating someone for sex that you have no intention of maintaining a real relationship with… (but it is still good form to treat them like a human being… believe it or not, they *ARE* – you are just compensating them up front for putting up with your shit, instead of making empty promises that you have no intention on following through on.)
3. Discover the Joys of Tag Teaming. Lets face it, you are not the only couple out there looking to close the deal on this particular fantasy. I get that you might be a little selfish in this regard and not want to share your unique snowflake’s vagina with another OHDOG! TWO COCKS IN THE ROOM! THAT SHIT AIN’T RIGHT!
…but it seems to *me* that if you are serious about putting this particular notch in your headboard, you might do well to get over yourself a little and start shopping around on Craigslist for folks (like yourself) who are looking for that elusive unicorn… and offer your own *pairing* to them as an option. Now, yeah, I get that you probably have one of those infamous “one penis policies” in place, but c’mon dude, how small can it possibly be? If you are really that insecure, I can pretty much guarantee that when push comes to shove, you are going to have performance anxiety problems that will ensure that your “three way” ends up with you pulling your flaccid pud for an hour and apologizing while you watch two women have a good time without you, because you won’t be able to get it up.
It seems to *me* that two couples could form a convenient pact, whereby both couples could manage to have their own “don’t ask don’t tell” MFF threesome if you wanted… (with a polite and respectable fist-bump in the hallway for the guys in between if they really couldn’t deal with being in the room together.)
And here’s the kicker… if you could get over yourself to being open to having cocks in the same room, you could even potentially negotiate for two MMF threesomes, a four way orgy, and even some good old “partner-swapping” action… all just by making ONE connection with ONE couple, that is (at least nominally) looking for exactly the same thing that you are… and in the end, no one ends up discarded and alone and feeling like the odd person out.
Fuck win-win, man… there are potentially 10 holes to fill… and only two cocks in the mix… DO THE MATH!
– Mr. Karkadanni
*Little known Unicorn hunting fact: The real trick is to find the right sort of bait. If you are failing to attract an adequate supply of Sanity Star™ compliant Unicorns, accept the that you may not have the right bait to entice a Unicorn out of hiding and into your <strike>bed</strike> trap. The Unicorn is a wily and elusive beast that will generally actively avoid the presence of utterly vapid assholes. If you or your partner happen to *be* assholes you may simply be out of luck. Best bet is to down a sixer, and find a drunken sorority party and hope to luck into a 2DBB** instead.
**2DBB (aka: Two-Drink Bi-Babe) – [LATIN: Bi-Bibula Bi-Babeula] Generally not blisteringly hot like in your Penthouse fantasies, but you are getting pretty desperate at this point, even contemplating having sex with women that couldn’t make it into Penthouse. The Two-Drink Bi-Babe can generally be found on college campuses everywhere, but generally only before their Junior year, when they are forced to take vows and make denials. Your best bet is a Freshman or Sophomore with low self esteem, preferably a recent parolee from a residential all-girls Catholic school.
For, as the scriptures have foretold: “Ye shall know them by their plaid.”
NOTE: The 2DBB model is generally NOT Sanity Star™ Compliant, and is often prone to completely changing orientation during shipping and handling – even after repeated use. (especially in the absence of adequate ethanol.)
[For your protection, keep well lubricated. As always, your mileage may vary, void where inhibited].