What I Did This Summer

By Kendra Holliday | July 29, 2018

Years ago, I made it a point to post five blog entries a week.

Please no cock shots

Nowadays, I’m more prone to moving old posts to the top of the home page whenever the topic is requested or relevant. It’s pretty easy to do, since I have over 600 posts – some of them I forgot I even wrote!

But I keep wanting to write about new experiences – sharing is helpful for others, and it’s therapeutic for me. Life keeps zipping along in a blur! I still want to write about the medical-themed play party I hosted in March! It was such a mindfuck.

Here are some other topics on my list:

Wheel of Consent Training – shamans, witches, empaths, consent and power of touch, fruit, symbolism
The Pull of the Moon
Under Attack – SESTA FOSTA
It’s You. It’s Me.
Love, Sweat and Tears menopause documentary review
Recap of Tantra workshop
Reveling in my latest threesomes
Updates on my daughter, parents, struggle with booze

A wholesome picture of me!

Last month, I gave a talk at The Ethical Society on Desire (they will post a recording of it online soon). The very next day, Huffington Post published an interview with me about the work I do, and it generated a LOT of interest! And then this morning, I presented a workshop on sex and disabilities at the AASECT Summer Institute at Washington University.

In between all of that, I’ve been seeing clients, some local, some from out of state. Every week is different, with its own set of challenges and rewards.

Oh, and one more thing – I’ve been experiencing psychotic episodes.

I’ve touched on this before – the past couple years have been intense with a shift in my hormones. It’s like I’m going through puberty again. I’m very sensitive, and when I get too stressed or overwhelmed, I have a breakdown. I lose touch with reality.

This has happened about six times in the past 18 months. I go from cranky and irritable to a full-blown maelstrom of emotions – all I can do is hang on and ride it out. It’s better to lean into it than to fight it.

You, too, can be a sacred prostitute goddess!

When I’m in these states, I can’t function. I can’t drive. I can’t reply to emails. All the trees I see come alive – by that I mean they are more like beings than objects. They wave to me. I smell weird things, like sulfur, brimstone and decay. I get manic at first, and then cry and rage – I pace back and forth, like I’m in labor. I get overwhelmed by this intangible suffering that is painfully beautiful. I listen to music obsessively and see symbolism in everything – fire is male energy, water is female energy. I quell my fiery heat with cool showers and baths.

Ahhh….

Thankfully, I have a support team in place, and they help take care of me with love and compassion. They don’t question the process. The whole thing lasts about 2-3 days, and then I wake up feeling limp and calm – like a terrible storm has passed. I gently recover and move on. I’m back to normal, cheerful and productive and brilliant.

Rinse and repeat.

Cursed with Kink!

So, what the fuck is this? Severe menopause symptoms? Bipolar disorder? Ancestral trauma?

I wonder if I’m responding to all the chaos around me. I’m very sensitive, and I have a calling. I love what I do, but maybe all the pain and male energy I soak up from others builds up until it finally becomes too much, and I have to work it all out. I become pregnant with grief. I spend a lot of intimate emotional and physical time with people.

Not only am I bearing witness to their deepest, darkest secrets, but I’m doing so while physically holding them and allowing them inside my body. My pussy is a vessel. When I am with someone, I am fully present. I do not detach. We are naked. Our souls touch.

I embrace my role as passion midwife. It is a special gift. Sex is my portal to creation. The etymology of the word witch = power, skill, wisdom.

Just pondering all this extraordinary stuff – I find it fascinating, and think there is so much that we don’t understand.

 

 

Comments

DrAlanK 2018-07-31 06:55:23

Oh dear. Glad you have friends. They help.

These symptoms sound like they may have a physiological basis; there are many possibilities, but a good psychiatrist (ideally a psychopharmacologist specializing in physical causes and cures) should be able to help enormously. Most of these are controllable by medications, and once the symptoms are stabilized the drugs can often be replaced by…the kinds of friends you have. So please, PLEASE see the right kind of specialist if you haven’t already done so.

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2018-07-31 07:12:51

    Thank you so much for this caring comment. I have been getting bloodwork done at a women’s clinic the past couple years and am using hormones based on my levels. I hope it’s helping. I tried one anti-depressant that is used for menopause symptoms but it killed my orgasms, so I stopped taking it and haven’t tried anything else. I would LOVE a good psychiatrist and therapist, but have no idea how to find them, since waitlists are so long and compatibility is important. In the meantime, I’m trying over therapies that are more accessible. Reducing stress is critical for my health at this point in my life.

    Reply

Debb 2018-08-02 18:31:54

Spontaneous Kundalini awakening?

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2018-08-02 18:38:48

    oooohhh???? maybe?….. I did experience a Kundalini thingie in the past http://thebeautifulkind.com/kundalini/
    I’m looking into some retreat options and am learning about ancestral trauma.

    Reply

Dale 2018-08-02 19:47:19

I love these pics. You know how to turn a guy on.

Reply

Steph 2018-08-03 16:19:26

“I become pregnant with grief”

THAT is excellent writing right there. You are SO multi-talented.

Reply

Dave 2018-08-04 20:14:55

Wow… I agree with Dr. Alan. Find a good psychiatrist. My previous shrink was excellent, and provided great insights & help with me and my 2 special sons. Finding a good new one is tough.

The brain is so mysterious. There’s so much we don’t know about its inner workings, like ‘where does our consciousness exist”, and what’s up with all this synchronicity.

I hope you can find some relief. You deserve it. Make sure your man gives you some nice snuggles & soft touches!

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2018-08-05 07:12:58

    You’re so right it’s tough! I can’t even find someone to cut my hair the way I want! I tried finding my mom a psychiatrist and we finally found one with a 6+ month waiting list. When we finally got in to see him, he wasn’t very good, but we’ve stuck with him due to lack of options.
    I would love to have a good therapist, but for now, I’m taking care of my physical and mental health solo (with the loving support of friends), and I’ve had a really good two weeks. I’ve gotten more accomplished in that time than I have in 3 months! I have a massage scheduled tomorrow. 🙂

    Reply

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