What’s With Picky Orgasms?

By Kendra Holliday | August 27, 2014

Dear Kendra,

I’m 18, in college, and Female-to-Male transgendered. I have had three male sexual partners in the last eight months or so. Of the three, TWO have claimed that a handjob or blowjob WILL NOT DO, and absolutely NOTHING but penetration will get them off, and in the case of one of the guys, even that wasn’t enough, and he had to turn to his own hand.

However, on your site and elsewhere, I see tales of guys that can get off with ease using various methods beyond penetration.

So what gives? These guys are 20 and 21, respectively, shouldn’t they be rarin’ to go? What on earth is going on that penetration is the only thing that seems to get them off?

My reply:

It’s unusual that you ran into two men in a row who require penetration to get off. I think it’s a fluke. They probably both used penetration in their early masturbation routine and have become dependent on that way.

I’ve been with a couple guys recently who needed to take over and finish with their own hand. It didn’t bother me, as one was new and the other often finishes that way, but can just as easily get off other ways.

I think everyone should experiment solo and with partners to expand their menu if possible, but hey, at least they know what works! I have a few girlfriends who can ONLY get off via clit stimulation with a vibrator. Some of their partners are bothered by that, but they aren’t, and that’s what matters. They know their body and what they like.

What about you all – can you only get off one way? Can you only get off solo but not with a partner? Does it bother you if your partner can only get off one way? Do you think it’s important to train yourself to get off in many different ways? Have you ever been surprised at an atypical orgasm? Do you find a difference in how you respond when engaging in casual sex vs long-term partner sex?

What’s your favorite way to get off? Mine is lying back, relaxing, and having my pussy worshiped with an experienced tongue.

PS: Have you seen those videos where a woman gets off using a door? Never would’ve thought of that!


Delli 2011-08-09 12:11:11

Unfortunately, many or most of us have not been educated in the various ways that men/women can have orgasms or have knowledge in the different ways to experience sexual pleasure.
Tantric/Taiost Beliefs and Practices talk about Kundalini Energy or Sexual Energy. It’s a great way to experience passion and bonding.
Men and women can have many types of orgasms, 26+. They can, also, have many, (100+), orgasms in a row.


secondwind 2011-12-18 13:16:47

This may be somewhat of a side issue, but the OP struck a note for me. Now in my mid-fifties, after many blowjobs in my adult life I can report coming maybe 3 times. Anything else works. I speculate that there are two possible explanations. Most women seem unable to keep their teeth off my dick, and that’s seriously uncomfortable and distracting. Some can, though, and some are wonderful, and extraordinary, and very very talented, and it still doesn’t work much. More likely, I believe it’s related at some level of deep psychic wiring to the fact that I got tangled up with a child molester from 13-17 years old, and it generally involved oral sex (with climax). Over recent years I’ve quit thinking of my peculiarity as a pathology, and accepted it simply as part of who I am. I explain my theories early on to partners, and tell them that while I really like oral I very rarely come that way, and tell them why I think that is — the second theory, anyway. After that, though, they’re often overly sensitive, and are afraid, tentative, hesitant to go there at all, even when it’s an obvious turn on for them.


    Kendra 2011-12-19 07:19:07

    It’s great that you are open and honest right upfront about your situation. I’m surprised it intimidates women, I would think the vulnerability would inspire them to “heal” you.

    PS: Watch the teeth, ladies!


TheDeep 2012-02-29 14:16:59

Actually, secondwind, I also find that BJs are problematic mostly for us ‘cut’ guys – circumcised – the mouth is too wet, not enough friction. If the BJer uses a hand while also sucking, bingo, orgasm achieved!

Aside – yes, teeth are not a welcome addition to the stimulation.


Stephen 2014-08-27 11:31:47

I am one of those guys who have been ruined by porn. I had a gf for over a year and a half, and it was very very very difficult to orgasm with her, without some sort of ‘shocker’ stimulus, something to turn my damn brain off and just ignite an OMG feeling…where I would then get rock hard and orgasm within seconds. Before then, I could get hard, but not necessarily stay that way during any act – bj, hj, penetration.

Part of it is my masturbation using only porn (not obsessively, either – I only masturbate sporadically). Part of it is being woefully out of shape! Keeping that blood flowing to ANY portion of my body isn’t natural for me.

All of this goes to prove your point, Kendra, made many many times – orgasms aren’t physical, they are mental. And my mental state has become too filled with thoughts and blocks, so that only something that sidetracks my brain works. Alcohol, a new girl (which porn accomodates), maybe a sudden finger in the bum (hasn’t happened yet), something like that.

Add to that what TheDeep just said – some BJs just don’t provide enough friction/stimulus at the right times, even when asking for what one wants – I’m just so used to my own perfect stimulus while my brain is used to voyeurism rather than participation.

It sucks.

Any advice?


Phoenix 2014-08-28 00:40:48

I’ve never had an issue getting off – I can get off in a myriad of ways – one time I orgasmed with just nipple-play – that was phenomenal! As a woman, I’ve found I get off more and more easier as the night goes on. When I’m giving a BJ, I do think it depends on the person. I personally haven’t had any guys that had a difficult time, but I would think that the older a man is (generally) the more sexual experience he’s had, (hopefully) the better he’ll know his body. Since sexual chemistry is so important to me, I won’t have a long-term partner with someone who doesn’t orgasm easily and they also need to be able to bring me to that point easily as well. 🙂


Mildred 2014-09-13 03:10:38

I’ve not known a single guy who was fine with vibrators….


    Kendra Holliday 2014-09-13 04:26:17

    Are you serious??? Why?? Grown ups should have toys and feel pleasure!


      Mildred 2014-09-13 22:26:46

      I haven’t had sex with anyone but my husband in 5 years, but even he is creeped out by it because he says he feels not involved and slightly creeped out? I’m cool with that, it’s for my alone times, do sort of wish we could incorporate it though because I am basically left unsatisfied and I’m kinda bored of penetration because it doesn’t ‘lead’ anywhere its slightly unexciting but husband has totally veto’d it and isn’t down at all. As for previous partners in the past, same story, it seems to really affect the male ego if you’re upfront that you can’t have an orgasm from anything they do (not that it’s personal or anything!) – I’ve had plenty say that I can’t get off because I’ve ‘desensitized’ myself, and implied I’m not a ‘real woman’ who can take a dick gleefully. Bear in mind I’ve been off the market since I was 23 so there’s plenty of young dumbassery in those comments. I can get off myself just using my hand but basically I’ve never found someone who could do it the exact way like right speed or pressure.
      I actually have like really specific fantasies while masturbating and they almost always and I mean borderline obsessively go back to this fantasy of a guy tying me up and ‘forcing’ me to cum many, many times with a vibrator. I’ve totally like sexily brought that up with H twice. In a way I am a bit glad it hasn’t come to fruition because if it was disappointing maybe I wouldn’t have that to go back to in my mind. You know its surprisingly hard to find that scenario (in porn) aside from a few kink.com clips.

      But I mean I have to question how would I feel if I was with a guy who HAD to pull out a fleshlight to come. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t feel inadequite.


        Kendra Holliday 2014-09-16 09:03:14

        Well, just imagine if a man was stimulated to orgasm by having his balls tickled, and the sex you did focused on his head and shaft. It would still feel good, but wouldn’t quite do the trick. Our anatomies are very similar in some ways, but worlds different. Oh and your fantasy is hot, by the way! Mmm forced orgasms!


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