Where Can I Find an Extraordinary Man?

By Kendra Holliday | May 12, 2015

Dear Kendra,

I finally read your ebook, The Book of Goddess and loved it! It reminded me of some very important things, especially the section in Chapter 3 about relationships. It helped reaffirm my choices, as well as made me open my eyes a little as to what may be out there.

I have a topic of interest: the single goddess. I have found it incredibly difficult to find a solid partner. I have men and women who come and go, who are OK with our situation for a while, and then things end up sour. I have been with people who have primary relationships and I’ve been their outlet, but they eventually find it’s not something they want to/can continue. It’s been very hard as a single bi poly gal to find a partner who is truly OK with my choices and loves me unconditionally.

I’ve tried to conform to others which has only lead to disaster. I’ve tried to explain my ways to others which only led to disappointment and hurt. I have spent a good portion of the past few years since my divorce working on myself and my happiness, and not finding reciprocation.

I get satisfaction from living my life the way I want to, but I feel something’s missing. It’s a lonely place to be sometimes. I tell myself often that my primary relationship is with myself. And I do believe that – physically, emotionally, and mentally. I still have people in my life who bring me physical, emotional, and mental pleasure as well. But it’s not the same as somebody, one person who is on the same page; who wants me to be happy; whose idea of happiness includes being with me (the real me) as well.

I’m tired of being the third wheel that gets cut from the mix when things get too hairy. I want to be someone’s Number One!

My reply:

(For those of you who don’t know, I wrote an ebook on female empowerment a few years ago called The Book of Goddess. I’ll be updating and republishing it later this  year!)

I totally hear you – you want what I have. You want to be someone’s Number One. You want to be with someone who accepts the fact that you have complex emotional and physical desires. You want an extraordinary man who can handle an extraordinary woman.

Like you, I went through life trying on many men and relationships, and none of them fit right. They loved that I was bi and open-minded, they could handle that part just fine, but they couldn’t handle ALL of me. I felt so guilty, and finally decided I just wasn’t relationship material and needed to remain single.

Then I met Matthew through a mutual friend. He was freshly divorced from a traditional, monogamous marriage. We started out friends and had many deep conversations. What started out as an unlikely match turned out to be a perfect fit.

I don’t think you’ll have much luck finding a great partner if your immediate goal is to audition him for the role of partner. Start off with friendship first. Allow many deep conversations. Get to know each other before jumping in bed. Find out if he is a mature man. Let him get used to the fact that you’re extraordinary. He needs time to process your kinks. If he’s the right match, he’ll warm to them.

It’s fine to try online dating, but I’ve had the most luck meeting people through my network, so keep active and put yourself out there. Look for opportunities outside your normal bubble. Join new groups. If you’ve been invited out that night and you’re really tired, splash some cold water on your face, put on your heels and go out. You just never know. That’s how my good friend met her electric soulmate lover – friends invited her out. She almost passed, but she didn’t, and the rest is female ejaculation history.

You’ll be glad to know that my group SEX+STL offers events for learning, growing, and meeting like-minded people. In the past, Matthew, David Wraith, and Justin, three very different men who have enjoyed great success with women and open relationships, have shared their wisdom and experience. We’ll try and schedule another talk soon.

And remember – the following traits are desirable for ANY healthy relationship: agreeability, confidence, conscientiousness, maturity, and, the trickiest one — being emotionally stable.

Comments

capnmarrrrk 2011-08-29 14:11:37

Interesting! I’ve put it on my calendar.

Reply

    Kendra 2011-08-29 17:26:06

    Awesome! I really hope EVERY man who is interested in attracting women will attend. The ones who want to learn how to do better in this department can learn from those who are having success. The evening is ripe for opportunity to improve your game!

    Reply

Colin Sphincter 2011-08-29 17:42:18

This problem is universal and affects people of all genders and orientations. As Kendra says, you just put on your heels, boots, or flip flops and keep moving on one step at a time.

Reply

RainMan 2011-08-29 20:03:02

Like the others have said, you’re looking for a rare kind of guy (what’s the male counterpart to the unicorn? A phoenix?). It is really just a numbers game, the more people you meet, the better your chances.

The only thing I’d offer up is the idea that you often find what you need by not looking for it. In plain terms, when you meet guys, meet them as guys. Just regular, everyday guys. Only after time has passed will you discover if they are your phoenix. If your initial perspective of each guy is “can he be my phoenix?”, you quickly risk becoming jaded.

Reply

Creideiki 2011-08-29 20:58:05

I’m working hard on becoming that extraordinary man, but in the meantime, I have put that class on my calendar–sounds like just what I need!

I’ll echo what RainMan posted just above me–the less you overtly look for “the next one,” the more likely you may be to find him. I know when I go out to dance that I do better when I set my intention beforehand to dance and have a good time–and let go of the rest. I’ve made some good friends of both sexes that way, and, as Kendra’s story illustrates, a friendship can lead to more, if we are open to it.

Reply

Miss 2011-08-30 04:47:28

I’m going to risk being unpopular here, and say Shut The Eff Up about it for a while. You Americans (!) are so into everybody loving you for who you are, finding your inner child, being a goddess, being all you are meant to be, etc. Just chill, guys!! Sheesh.

How can somebody love and accept you for who you are unless they know you? Give them a chance. Stop freaking them out by telling people you just met and have a crush on. Give it a year, two years. If people can fight in wars and stay sane (etc) then you can limit sex to one person for a couple of years.

Finally, I know it’s just a letter but you don’t mention any other interests. I read your letter and thought, YAWN. Start looking outwards instead of inwards for a bit. A little less introspection can be a very healthy thing. Get another hobby. Make yourself interesting by enjoying stuff. All the best people enjoy stuff.

If your sole interest is “finding someone” (and I’m not saying it is) then you run the risk of being really, really boring, like so many others.

Reply

    capnmarrrrk 2011-08-30 22:34:17

    I’m just gonna put on a peacock tail and strut around. 🙂 All flash on the outside.

    Reply

Nora 2011-08-30 09:52:37

“Looking,” here. I should clarify that this is NOT my sole purpose in life. In fact, I think one of the reasons I’m in the place I am is because I have a very fulfilling life, professionally and personally. I’ve long believed that I’d rather be alone and happy than be with someone and unhappy. So I make sure I do a lot of things that I love to do and surround myself with people who are also interesting and creative.

I love Kendra’s thoughts about being friends with someone first. It’s not something that’s crossed my mind before. I date people, thinking that the friendship will stem from that, and it often does. I have made great friends with people with whom I was initially physical. I’ve never done it the other way around.

And I think the general concensus here is for me to stop looking and just meet people. I like that. Point taken!

Thanks for the advice, Kendra and everyone else!

Reply

    Kevin 2015-05-12 09:43:20

    Hmmm interesting
    Have you attended one of Kendra’s stl sex pos happy hour?
    Great group lots of like minded people
    We all seek the same thing…
    If you have questions drop me a note

    Reply

      Kendra Holliday 2015-05-12 10:20:55

      We do have a lot of great folks attending our SEX+STL happy hours! Last time, 160 people showed up!

      Reply

1Phoenix 2011-09-01 16:03:38

would definitely attend the the class if I where in St Louise, Am always interested in what brings others success.

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Yackityyak 2011-09-14 14:41:54

Being monogamous really helps a lot with that problem of getting ccut because things are “too hairy.”

Reply

youknowme 2015-05-12 18:39:36

I’d love to talk to you. We have a lot in common as single bi poly females. I’m here to support you if you need a friend who understands your position. Kendra can give you my info if you’re interested.

In the same boat!

Reply

stephen 2015-05-12 20:09:26

gee,an extraordinary man is a good idea…. How about an extraordinary woman?

Reply

    Kendra Holliday 2015-05-12 21:32:14

    Um, that would be ME.

    Reply

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